₦airaland Forum

Rich returns a book to the library, bangs it on the counter and yells, “I read this entire novel; there are too many names of people and no story at all!”

The Librarian looks up and responds, “Idiot! So you are the one who took the Attendance book

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voicemail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:

Thank you for calling Heaven. For English, press 1. For French, press 2. For Yoruba, press 3. For Chinese, press 4. For Igbo, press 5. For all other languages, press
#. Please, select one of the following options:

Press 1 for request. Press 2 for thanksgiving. Press 3 for complaints. Press * for others.

I'm sorry, all our Angels and Saints are currently busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it inthe order it was received. God be with you as you repent

A man comes to a bar and saw his pastor drinking an alcoholic beer drink (Star Lager Beer)... surprised, he asks his Pastor why he was drinking a beer and not non-alcoholic drinks like Malt or Pepsi.

The Pastor replied, "Where were Malt and Pepsi when STAR was leading the three wise MEN

is a very Touching Story... Read Below:

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I feel like crying especially that part where he said, 汦睯攺

One day, a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole, the priest missed an extremely easy pot. He shouted, "Damn, missed again!"

The nun, shocked, warned him, "God will get you for that."

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed, "Damn It! Missed again."

The nun repeated her warning, "God will get you for that!"

On the third hole, the priest again missed and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the Heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out, "Damn It! Missed again!

I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole on the other. For most of the day, I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in 'n' out a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I am. What am I?

I am your very own, Toothbrush!

What were you thinking? You dirty pervert!!!

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.

After the offering bags were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly made her way towards him.

The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks, he asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed," he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied, "But I don't have a computer, nor an email."

"I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And he who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day.

Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future and decided to have a life insurance. He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story...

1. If you don't have an email and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

2. If you received this message by email, you are probably already an office boy/girl and not any close to being a Billionaire.

P.S: Do not forward this email back to me, I' m closing my email and going to sell tomatoes

[quote author=Bakrabas post=118747396]Credit alert that's your own ooo[/op i sight you, na real matter sha]

An accident occurred today, 11 were injured and 12 died, so the Minister of Health said he had to offer 2,000 Naira to the injured and 8 Million Naira to the dead for their funeral.

One of the injured got up and laid where the dead were.

One of the dead said, "My dear go back to that place, they've already counted us

A reverend father was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his reverend brother friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The brother told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the reverend father told him to come on over and he would stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The brother came and he and the reverend father were in the confessional.

A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

The reverend asked, "What did you do?"

The woman said, "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

A few minutes later, a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Reverend: "What did you do?"

Man: "I committed adultery."

Reverend: "How many times?"

Man: "Three times."

Reverend: "Say two Hail Mary's, put 1,000 Naira in the box and go and sin no more."

The brother told the reverend that he thinks he has got it so the reverend left. A few minutes later, another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned."

Brother: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Brother: "How many times?"

Woman: "Once."

Brother: "Go and do it two more times. We have a special offer this week, three for 1,000 Naira

A Nigerian ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by the Russian ambassador. For three days, the Nigerian ambassador was wined, dined and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the Nigerian slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The Nigerian ambassador was impressed with the courageous game and thought hard about the subject before the Russian ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the Nigerian ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the quarters, the Nigerian ambassador spoke, "Now, it's time for you to sample our game, Nigerian roulette."

He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and Unclad Nigerian girls. The Nigerian ambassador said, "These girls are the most beautiful members of one of our states. Any one of them will give you sex, take your pick."

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, okay, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the Nigerian ambassador answered, "Two of them has H.I.V

A new longest muscle in the body has just been discovered, it is called palpebral anal muscle connecting the upper eyelid to the anus, that is the reason why when you wink an eye the anus opens.

I bet you are now busy winking your eyes... happy blinking!a

A drunk was charged to court for getting drunk in public...

THE JUDGE: You have been brought here for drinking

THE DRUNK: (happy) Great! Let get started!

The President and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but he could not. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of stout in one hand, a cigar in the other hand, smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked the President.

"Well," the driver replied, "the Farmer gave me the beer, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked the president.

The driver replied, "I'm the president's driver and I just killed the pig

Earlier today, when I was teaching my pupils a topic, 'GENDER', I elaborated the topic by letting them know that we have the MASCULINE gender, FEMININE gender, COMMON gender and the NEUTER gender!

After teaching them for some hours, I asked them the feminine genders of some masculine genders.

I asked the first pupil, "Ezekiel, what is the feminine of KING?"

He said, "QUEEN."

The second pupil, "Cynthia, what is the feminine of BOY?"

She said, "GIRL."

The third pupil, "Rich, what is the feminine of ACTOR?"

He stood up and shouted, "BOZZ

Heart attack

HUSBAND: Call the ambulance, fast! I am having a heart attack.

WIFE: (took his phone) Quick! Tell me the Password!

HUSBAND: It's ok... I am feeling better now

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.

HUSBAND: Sukitaki, Mojitaka!

Wife replies, "Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily, "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife, on her knees, literally begging, "Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily, "Na miaou kina Tim Kinji!"

I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this! You don't know any Japanese! You'll read anything as long as it's about sex...

Sometimes I worry about you. You're in need of serious help

JAMES: Hi, cousin, I learnt that you are no longer free, that you now work at the bakery.

KEMI: Yes yes!

JAMES: Ah! And you have never brought me some bread?

KEMI: Your sister who works at the airport, has she ever brought an Airplane to the house? Even you who works at the mortuary, how many times have you brought a corpse to the house

No Drug is as Effective as a Bank Credit Alert. It can wake up your dead cells in a matter of minutes, return your lost appetite and even make you smile during a Funeral Service.

May Credit Alert be a Regular Part of Our Lives

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the class teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word, 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Ejiro, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Ejiro," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Agnes, "My mommy planned a beautiful party and it turned out beautifully," she said.

"Excellent, Agnes!"

Then, the teacher called on Akpos.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant and he said, "Beautiful! fucking beautiful

A man came home drunk and went straight to the toilet...

HUSBAND: Baby, it's like the light in the toilet is now automatic!

WIFE: What happened?

HUSBAND: When I opened the door, the light came on and after I urinated and closed the door the light went off!

WIFE: You drunk! You have gone to urinate in the fridge again

Nigerians at not stupid


All of us met at the Stadium for a convention tagged; "Nigerians Are Not stupid". The leader told us that we were all there that day to prove to the world that we Nigerians are not stupid. He asked if he could have a volunteer. I stood up and worked my way through the crowd stepping up to the stage. He asked me what is 15 + 15? I thought for 15 seconds and answered, "18!".

The crowd made up of 40,000 were disappointed. They cheered, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader said, "Well since we have gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of you all in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I guess we can give him another chance."

He asked me, "What is 5 + 5?"

After thinking for thirty-five seconds, I said, "90!"

He was quite perplexed, he looked down and sighed dejectedly. Everyone was disheartened, I started crying and they started jumping and waving their hands shouting, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he was doing more harm than damage said, "Okay! Okay! Just one more chance, what is 2 + 2?"

I closed my eyes, and after a whole minute, I replied, "4!"

Throughout the stadium, pandemonium broke out as the crowd jumped to their feet, waved their hands, stamped their feets on the ground and shouted, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance! Give him another chance

Real Definitions of everyday word

CIGARETTE: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

MARRIAGE: It is an agreement where a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master's degree.

DIVORCE: Future tense of Marriage.

LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either of them.

CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he or she got the biggest piece.


DICTIONARY: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

ECSTASY: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but never read.

SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

YAWN: The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth.

ETC: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

COMMITTEE: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

EXPERIENCE: The name men give to their Mistakes.

ATOMIC BOMB: An invention to bring an end to all inventions.

PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of, when dead.

DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

OPTIMIST: A person who while falling from OLUMO ROCK says midway, "SEE, I AM NOT INJURED YET".

PESSIMIST: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in OPPORTUNITY.

MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die RICH.

FATHER: A banker provided by nature.

CRIMINAL: A guy not different from the other, unless he gets caught.

BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

POLITICIAN: Someone who shakes your hand before an election and your CONFIDENCE after the election.

DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills

Yesterday I got drunk, came back late and decided to take a shower. But before I continue, please listen to this story...
In 1973, the King of ikot Ataku Village was sent to the future. He was meant to return in 1 week time. After 1 week, he didn't return. Unfortunately, he had an accident and died.

They now choose me to go to the future, return with his dead body and become the new KING. On our way back to the past, it was heavily raining as I kept paddling the canoe with the corpse of the dead king in it. I had already removed his crown and put it on my head. Unfortunately, our canoe tumbled and sank, I started drowning and drowning as I struggled to survive...

My Mum kept banging on the door, "Come out of that bathroom! How many hours do you want to spend there?! Are you sleeping in the bath tub?! Come out of there! Come out now!!

A guy took a vacation to Lagos. While there, he met up with a prostitute. After sex, the prostitute said, "N5,000."

The guy handed her N10,000.

The prostitute, surprised, responded, "You're so kind."

Some days pass and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again. The prostitute demanded N5,000, but the guy again says, "No, here's N10,000."

The prostitute, feeling really happy, says, "You're so kind."

More days pass and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex. The prostitute says, "N5,000, please."

The guy hands her N10,000.

The prostitute, really surprised about the guy's gesture towards her , asks, "Where are you from?"

The guy answers, "I'm from Calabar."

Looking surprised, the prostitute says, "I'm from there too!"

The guy replies, "I know, your mum sent me to give you N30,000

I used N4,000 to buy fuel for my car. I decided to use the remaining N1,000 I had left in my pocket to get some food in a restaurant before I face the Lagos traffic. As I ordered the food and sat down to eat, a well-dressed man in a suit sitting beside me said, "I love the way you eat, try their snail, I will pay."

I hastily added four pieces of snail at a cost of N2,000 and continued eating. He said again, "You eat so well, please get a bottle of wine so that you can drink after eating."

I hastily made the order and was having fun. My total bill came up to about N10,000. I thanked him for accepting to pay.

As I stood to leave, my car key fell down and I bent to pick it. I discovered that the man was bare-footed! I thought the man was attending a certain church but 3 hefty guys immediately busted in and grabbed him by the arm. One of them said to me, "I'm sorry if this man has been disturbing you, he just escape from our psychiatric hospital this morning...''

I fainted

Two guys seated on a long bench, one facing south and the other facing north, were smoking one weed. They shared it at intervals. The one facing south would smoke and give the other one facing north. They continued like this until they were both "high".

The one facing south suddenly sighted a policeman. He alerted the other, got up and runs away, "Guy, take off, take off, black and black is coming!"

But because the one facing North was more "high", he didn't hear. The weed was with the one that took off.

"Guy, give me the thing!" said the one facing north. He then turned and was face to face with the Policeman. "Guy, stop o! Just now, just now you have turned to a Policeman. Please turn back

PASTOR: Praise the Lord!!!

CHURCH MEMBERS: HALLELUJAH!!!

PASTOR: That Hallelujah is too small for my God.

RICH: Who are you? Heaven's sound system engineer?