₦airaland Forum

There were two evil brothers who were extremely rich. They went to the same church and on the surface appeared to be good christians.

One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sort out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said "I only have one condition, at the funeral you must say my brother was a saint". The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque.

At the funeral the pastor said "this man was a evil man, he lied, he stole, he cheated people" after going on and on for several minutes, he finally said "BUT compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"

Rich and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Rich promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out.

When the medical doctor became aware of Rich' act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Rich the news, he said "Rich, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead."

Rich replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry

Rich, a driver who survived in a tragic accident which rendered 50 people dead at Lagos-Ibadan Express Way was remanded in police custody to assist in police investigation.

Here is the Interrogation:
POLICE: Mr Akpos, how did you end up killing 50 people?
RICH: I was driving at 150km/hr when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brake but it failed, so I had to make a choice; either hit the two men or run into the wedding party.
POLICE: Hit the two men of course to reduce Casualties!
RICH: Exactly, we think alike oooh! But after hitting one, the other man escaped into the wedding party.
POLICE: So, what did you do?
RICH: I went after him to balance the equation...But unfortunately, people lost their lives in the process.

The C.E.O of a company was walking in the factory to see how the staff were doing. He noticed a guy leaning against the wall doing nothing, he approached the man and asked him, "How much do you earn?" The guy was amazed and said, "$600 sir".

The C.E.O. took out his wallet and gave the guy $3600 and yelled at him, "I pay people here to work and not waste time. This is your 6 months salary, now Get out of here, don't say a word and NEVER come back!"

After the guy had left, the C.E.O now looked at other workers and asked, "by the way, who was that guy?" The workers replied, "He was the pizza delivery guy sir...

The teacher instructed the class to write an essay of 5 pages on "What is laziness".Rich in his book left 4 pages empty and on d 5th page wrote ''DIS IS LAZINESS

It's Colonel Smith's first day at a new base in Saudi Arabia, and the company clerk is showing him around the camp. They tour the entire base and the clerk shows him around and points out every building of interest. At the end of the tour, the Colonel says, "What about that little stable over there? What's that for?"

"Well," says the clerk, and looks at the ground in embarrassment, "you may have noticed there aren't any women on the base. You see, we keep a camel in that stable, so that when the men get their urges they can..."

The Colonel holds up his hand, shakes his head and cuts off the clerk mid sentence. "PLEASE! Say no more. I get the point.

"Well, as you can imagine, after a few weeks on the base, the Colonel too felt the need for a woman, and so he found himself at the clerk's desk one Saturday afternoon. "Tell me." the Colonel said in a whisper, looking over his shoulder to be sure no one else could hear, "Is the camel free this afternoon?"

The clerk checks his appointment book and nods in the affirmative. "How about I schedule you in for 2:00?"

The Colonel nods and walks away. At 2:00 he makes his way to the stable, walks in, and gently closes the door behind him. He finds a small stepping stool nearby, moves it behind the camel and climbs onto it. Then he lowers his trousers and begins, well, making love to the camel. Just as he's nearing his peak, the door opens suddenly and the Colonel spins around in shock and embarrassment to see the clerk standing there with a big grin on his face.

As the Colonel begins to yell for him to leave, the clerk interrupts him with a quizzical look on his face. "Begging your pardon, sir, but wouldn't it have been simpler for you to just ride the camel into town to find a woman, like the other men do?"

Rich asked Chichi in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you?" Chichi answered with a loud voice; "I DONT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!

All the students in the library started staring at Rich and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, Chichi walked quietly to Rich table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

Rich responded with a loud voice: "N50,000 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THATS TOO MUCH!!!"

everyone in the library looked at Chichi in shock and Rich whispered in her ears "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply

Once upon a time, there lived a sorcerer and a wizard, they lived together under one roof, they eat from the same plate and drink from the same cup.

Unfortunately one day, they died...
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What are you scrolling down for?

I said they died... The end! Good day!

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looked in his rearview mirror and noticed a police car with its red lights. He thought, "I can outrun this guy", so he floored it.

The cars were racing down the highway - 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour.

Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realised he can't outrun the policeman so he gave up and pulled over to the curb.

The police officer got out of his car and approached the car. He leaned down and said, "Listen mister man, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I will let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my rear view mirror I thought you were the officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

A policeman stopped a car on the road and asked the driver for his usual roger (bride). The following conversation ensued...

DRIVER: My vehicle papers are in order. So, as a law-abiding citizen, I'm not going to give you any money!

POLICEMAN: With a sticker that says, "I'm a Cheerful Giver" on your car, you're under arrest for misleading the public!

A toasting conversation... GUY: Every time you smile I feel like inviting you to my place. GIRL: Awww... Are you single? GUY: No, I am a Dentist

A policeman, Rich, stops a motorist and asks for his driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in his purse and can't find it. He says to the Rich, "I must have left it at home officer

Rich says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?"

The motorist scuffles around in his purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

He looks at it and says to Rich, "All I have is this picture of myself."

Rich, says, "Let me see it, then."

So the motorist gives the mirror to Rich, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

If boys are not careful, they would date the same girl twice. They would be like... BOY: You look familiar. GIRL: Yes you dated me in 2012... I was dark then

How to nepa light problem

Go to nearby Bank. Greet Everyone. Plug phone to charge. Plug Power Bank and rechargeable fan.

Drink water from Dispenser, sit down, enjoy AC, watch Buhari on CNN.

Withdraw N1000...

Thank the bank staff and return home.

The next day, go and join the queue to pay back the N1000 into account

You think you know all colours until Yoruba people start sending you wedding invitation

You'll see something like this: Acid Green on Fushia Purple with little touch of Ojuelegba blue.

Bride's family to wear Cockroach Brown with Custard Yellow.

Groom's family; Jollof Yellow with Fufu White.

Friends; Coconut White with Agama Lizard Head.

While all other guests should wear Pomo Brown on Alligator Pepper Green with a touch of Onion Purple and Maggi Yellow

A helicopter was flying around above Abuja when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said , "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the ABUJA airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the ASO ROCK Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer

Advantage of fuel scarcity in nigeria

1. Most compounds are noiseless because 'I pass my neighbour generators are on sabbatical leave.

2. Wives are happy because husbands who like hanging out are now staying at home with the family because drinks outside are not cold and no fuel to drive out.

3. All the housewives are cooking good food because no more Crunches and Mr Biggs.

4. Kids are reading their books since watching TV needs fuel.

5. No more congestion in network since many peoples phones are off.

6. Browsing and downloading is faster than before cause not much people are online.

7. Everybody sleeps very early now, no more late night movies. Light no dey na.

8. There are MORE PRAYERS and less distractions.

9. Parents are over-joyed because their children that were always online now concentrate on their studies.

10. Even God Himself is very happy when he see people that haven't gone to church for months and years now going to church and staying for both first and second services just to charge their phones

Remember when your primary school teacher told you that you're good for nothing but now you are the admin of three Whatsapp groups? My brother, You made it!

The best way to know a Nigerian Girl's real name is to ask for her bank account details... That's when "Natasha Hills" turns to "Chinasa Okoro lobatan

A very wealthy man had a Birthday party and he invited everyone in his town. In his Mansion, he had a big pool filled with alligators. So he announced that anyone who was able to swim across the pool and come out unarmed would be granted three wishes.

Immediately, there was complete silence, nobody wanted to risk his or her life. All of a Sudden, there was a big splash and AY was swimming like hell! He successfully came out alive.

He was then given a round of applause. Everyone was anxious to know what gave AY the courage to do it, but then, the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"

AY replied, "Give me a shotgun, 3 rounds of shells (bullets) and show me the idiot who pushed me inside the Pool!."

7 TRUE FACTS ABOUT YOUR BODY

1. You cannot count your hair.

2. You cannot put soap in your eyes.

3. You cannot breathe through your nose with your tongue out.

4. You did No.3

5. When you did No.3, you realized it's possible, but only you look like a dog.

6. You're smiling right now because I fooled you.

7. Share this so you can have your revenge too

This is a story about four people named, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.

Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody

One rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale.

AY came to buy the book. He bought the book for 2,000 Naira.

The old man advised, "DON'T OPEN THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise, you'll face problems."

AY finished the book with great fear but didn't open the last page.

But, after a week, out of curiosity, he opened the last page and he almost fainted with what he saw.

This is what he saw
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Selling Price: 20 Naira

Takes car to a mechanic... AMERICAN MECHANIC: We need to run some tests before we know the problem NIGERIA MECHANIC: On am! Off am! On am again! Off am... Oga na radiator.

Just of recent, a teacher, a garbage/dustbin collector, and a lawyer died and met themselves at the Pearly Gates of heaven. St. Peter told them that in order to get into Heaven, each of them would have to answer a question, anyone who answers his question right would be allowed into heaven.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?"

The teacher had watched a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter allowed him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage collector and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder, he was asked, "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the garbage man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter." St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them!"

A very fat woman was about strangling the driver of a taxi she boarded. After being separated by passersby, the woman was asked what the taxi driver did.

She said, "When I came down from this taxi, the driver shouted, 'Space for three'".

My mum is too religious! Over 30 pictures of Jesus Christ hanging on our wall. I grew up thinking he was my uncle.

Two Friends were walking home and a lady was blowing a kiss to Kwame from the window of a storey building.

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy, it's like that woman is blowing a kiss to me!

2ND FRIEND: Brother, leave her oh, don't mind her.

The woman then signaled to Kwame to come...

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy, the girl is calling me oh.

2ND FRIEND: Bro, don't go oh!

1ST FRIEND: Why are you telling me not to go? Sweet Woman like that is calling me, and you are
saying I should not go?

2ND FRIEND: Bro, please don't go, don't go!!

The 1st friend ignored him and went over to the woman, she went to meet him and they both went upstairs. Suddenly, as they were about to have fun, they heard the sound of a car's honk.

WOMAN: (on opening the window) Ha! It's my husband oh!!

1ST FRIEND: Wow!!! I'm finished!

WOMAN: Don't worry, just pretend that you are the dry cleaner and iron these clothes (pointing at a load of clothes).

The 1st Friend spent the whole day ironing the clothes because the husband never left that day again.

The next day, the 1st friend came over to the 2nd friend's place.

1ST FRIEND: Oh boy! Do you know that it was clothes that I ironed throughout yesterday at that woman's place?

2ND FRIEND: Didn't I tell you not to go? All that clothes that you ironed, I was the one that washed them a day before yesterday

A Man went to the Police station in Lagos to report a robbery incident...

MAN: I was robbed to at gun point!

POLICE: What happened?

MAN: Someone snatched my wallet. I was about to shout "thief" when 3 heavy slaps landed on my face. I didn't see anything for 30 minutes except stars!

POLICE: Can you describe the stars?

At a restaurant in Lagos... WAITER: Would you like a table? ME: No. Not at all... I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please?

A man who bed wets went to see a psychiatrist...

PSYCHIATRIST: Does a dream usually precede your bed-wetting?

MAN: Yes.

PSYCHIATRIST: Tell me how it happens.

MAN: A little demon appears to me in my sleep and says, "Hey... Let us pee". Then, I wake up to see the bed wet with my urine.

PSYCHIATRIST: This is what you must do. If the demon comes tonight and tells you "let us pee", just reply him that you have already peed.

The man left and returned the following day with tears streaming down his face.

PSYCHIATRIST: Why are you weeping? Didn't my therapy work?

MAN: You have worsened my case!

PSYCHIATRIST: What? How?

MAN: When the demon came, I told him I'd already peed. Then he said, "OK, let us sh*t!