₦airaland Forum

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New Lawyer
Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking,

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million, "

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support, "

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details, "

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company, I came to hook up your phone. it been down for 2hrs now"

Do you like this

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him.

As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.

The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.

This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear,

"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."

Huh Hun and here comes another,

The bride and her husband at first Night

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

@chioya

Rate my 2nd joke and I will release another bomb

Thanks Segs

I have been wondering about the use the sim card slot on some dell laptops. Had anyone seen that before and Do you use it for anything at all?

Here's another one

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A man and a woman just had sex. The man pulls out a cigarette and asks the woman, "Do you have a lighter?"

The woman replies, " There's some matches in the top drawer. "

The man opens it and finds matches perfectly aligned in a row over a photo of a man.

The man asks, " Is this your boyfriend?"

The woman say's, "No"

The guy asks, " Your husband?"

The woman says, "No"

The guy asks, " Well who is it then?"

The woman replies, " That's me before my operation!"

hahahahaha

Anyone with any good informations regarding when the last 2007 UME list is expected to be out in the school, because it really confusing that up till now 100L admission had not been offered yet.

Your Info or Comment is highly Important to me and to anyone who is affected by this issue.

GREAT UNAD STUDENT, THIS QUESTION IS FOR YOU.

Thank you.

And for those of you want to do different things before eee paaai especially those with bad thought, You will just yourselves into trouble ( IKU GBONNA) rather than dying peacefully ,

for me it would be normal regular week. Nobody will knows maybe this week is the last for somebody

olulu:
this boy take your time o,
wetin dey worry your head,
u don kolo, or u wan kolo?

4 your info,
i dn't work for money,
because
money works for me
and
u can't pay my price
for
u are just a broke ass nigga



anyway, for your business/company ,
u dn't have a business plan,
no feasibility report,
no promoter,
not even a business name,
u ain't got shit man,
because u are d shit

U can't just stop making laugh, L O L

Thump Up to you my nigga

One may ask if there are indeed intelligent aliens out there, how come there is no evidence of their existence? Years of systematic searches (which is still continuing) under the Search for Extra-Territestrial Intelligence (SETI) project have failed to find a single positive prove of this things called ALIENS out there.

Hello Mr. Akin, I am interested too. Here is my E-mail 'tosin_oladokun@yahoo.com'

I have a new laptop which came with Vista Basic, but I really don't like it, so how do i downgrade Window XP. Although i have tried installing XP it but not working. Your tech support is highly, welcome please bring it in.

Just return the system back to the Engineer to complete his job, He should be aware about the problem for solution. get that

What does this man (ADEDIBU) think he is, a good leader or what that he thought he can speak for the GREAT yoruba people.

When talking of photographic in this country i think one of the best place to be is MEMORIEZ FOTOS. check out their website and see the portfolio.

YOU will be confuse to give a call, www.memoriezfotos.com

so, i wish everybody GOOD LUCK

sorry::::this is it : http://www.lautech.edu.ng/PostUME/index.php

just click on this link to REGISTER

Ladoke Akintola University of Technology, Ogbomoso (LAUTECH) invites all candidates who made LAUTECH their first choice and obtain a minimum score of 200 in the University Matriculation Examination (UME) conducted by Joint Admissions and Matriculation Board (JAMB) in May 5, 2007 to Post-JAMB UME screening exercise on the University campus on Wednesday 22 nd of August, 2007 by 10:00am.

Candidates are to complete an online bio-data form by uploading their passport photographs, print and bring the printed copy along to the venue of the screening exercise.

Candidates should note that the result of the Post-UME screening and admission status can only be accessed through the University website. In view of this development, candidates are to purchase the scratch card at the following GTB branches at the rate of N2,000 between Monday August 13 and Friday 17, 2007.
GTB Ogbomoso Branch
GTB Osogbo Branch
GTB Ilesa Branch
GTB Ilorin Branch
GTB Bodija Branch, Ibadan
GTB Dugbe Branch, Ibadan
GTB Kingsway Branch, Ibadan
GTB Oyo Branch
GTB Ile-Ife Branch
GTB Allen Avenue Branch, Ikeja, Lagos
Candidate who are awaiting May/June 2007 WASC/NECO ‘O' Level results are qualified to participate in the screening exercise.
Any candidate who fails to present himself/herself for the screening as scheduled for Wednesday, August 22, 2007 will not be considered for admission.

I learnt that cut off is just 200.

larger_20:
Hmm it must be really good . I wana sample it

u dey cr*z * o. Naa that kind a** u wan sample

[b]This is to bring to the notice of the general public that Aug 22nd 2007 has been fixed for 2007/2008 Post UME Screening Exercise. The modalities for the screening exercise application which is going online will be made know to the general public on Friday 10th of Aug 2007.[/b]

Here is another, giving to me by a friend.

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

"So, how is everything going?" God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place, with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

"That was the demo," replied God.

yes o::::::Original kolomental

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so >> what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: , Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!