₦airaland Forum

He over sheyped

they perform better dan humans,i'vt seen one anyway

did you say far,i'll farest if there's anytin lyk dat

xtremly smart

how can men trust the chick they love

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa Mnnnnnnnnnnn can't xpalin the way i'm laughing rite now

if you have it flaunt it,wit dat one i will win 98.9% chicks out there.

xtremly oucchy

abeg tell am

abeg tell am

crazy set of people

i tot they were meant to be sexy,dis one no be chic at all.

They've learnt thier lessons

if da kid no soji,wetin he come be?

apologies to da chics in da house.

only if they had d idea of wot they just swallowed

Actually i wasn't talking to the bobo's in da house alone,if you can be of help kindly do sumtin.

Guys please i need help on how to attach pics on the jokes forum,cos i jst saw some pics and i feel i should share it wit you guys.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any".

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a few quid, go and buy yourself some underwear".

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"By Jesus woman, you've no knickers - why not?!"

She replies "I can't afford any on th' money ya gimme."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's a fiver, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.

"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"

She too explains, "You don' give me enou' housekeeping money to be able t' afford any".

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit!"

A brother and a sister went to the park to play. They came home and mom asked them how the park was.

"Look mom, we found this really funny looking white balloon!"

Mom shrieks at the sight of the latex balloons, knowing what they really were, and sends the two children off to wash their hands. Once in the bathroom, the sister says:

"Boy, mom sure was upset at us."

"Yeah," said the brother "I'm just glad we didn't tell her we ate the white yoghurt inside the balloon."

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going
back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says,

"Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe.

A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them.

Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence.

Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.

Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f***ing fence wasn't electrified."

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her
students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can
go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"

Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down
and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer.

Harry: "Shake hands"

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Harry: "Yep".

Ms Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense!

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
blow me, you feel good".
Harry: "Nose"

Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Ms Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

Man goes into the doctor and says, “Doctor, I‘ve got this problem you see, only you‘ve got to promise not to laugh.”

The doctor replies, “Of course I won‘t laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I have never laughed at a patient.”

“OK then,” says the man and he dropped his trousers.

The doctor is greeted by the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about the floor laughing uncontrollably. About ten minutes later he is able to struggle to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.

“I‘m so sorry,” he says to the patient, “I don‘t know what came over me. I won‘t let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?”

The man looks up at the doctor sadly and says, “It‘s swollen.”

Breaking Scientific News, Yesterday Yale University scientists
released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain hytoestrogens) - and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
1-hour period.

RESULTS: 100% of the test subjects:

a) Gained weight.
b) Talked excessively without making sense.
c) Became overly emotional.
d) Couldn't drive.
e) Failed to think rationally.
f) Argued over nothing.
g) Had to sit down while urinating.
h) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Breaking Scientific News, Yesterday Yale University scientists
released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain hytoestrogens) - and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a
1-hour period.

RESULTS: 100% of the test subjects:

a) Gained weight.
b) Talked excessively without making sense.
c) Became overly emotional.
d) Couldn't drive.
e) Failed to think rationally.
f) Argued over nothing.
g) Had to sit down while urinating.
h) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary.

Mum comes back from work earlier today and finds her 6-year old boy smoking a cigarette.

Yannick, what are you doing?!

I am smoking, so?

You are smoking and you are 6 years old! Is there anything else I should know?

Emmm, yeah, I Bleep.

Mum faints.

When she wakes up, she tells her husband what happened.

Dad cannot believe what she says, so he goes to talk to his boy:

Yannick, do you have something to tell me?

I smoke!

Nothing else?

I Bleep.

You are 6 and you "Bleep"? But who

I don't remember, I was drunk.

there might be a next time,if tries to use juju

true talk i've been in this country ever since i was born

Joseph comes up to the Cotonou border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The Customs official stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Garri", answered Joseph.

The Customs official says, "We'll just see about that get off the bike." The Customs official takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but garri.

He detains Joseph overnight and has the garri analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure garri in the bags.

The Customs official releases Joseph, puts the garri into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The Customs Official asks, "What have you got?"

"Garri", says Joseph.

The Customs official does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but garri. He gives the garri back to Joseph, and Joseph crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Joseph doesn't show up one day and the Customs official meets him in a beer palour in Cotonou.

"Hey, my friend," says the Customs official, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about, I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Joseph sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

A man from the village came to the capital and learned three phrases.

1.Only fifty Naira
2.Very, very fresh one
3.Not today, maybe tomorrow.

A lady came to his pepper stand and said ''how much are these peppers?'' The man said ''only fifty naira''. Then she asked ''are they fresh?'' The man said ''Very, very fresh''. She then asked, ''can I buy one?'' The man said, ''not today maybe tomorrow.''

A robber comes and said ''I'm a robber how much money do you have?'' The pepper Seller said, ''only fifty naira''. The robber said, ''are you being fresh with me?'' The pepper seller said ''Very, very fresh one''. The robber said ''Alright, that's it. I'm going to shoot you.'' The pepper Seller said ''Not today maybe tomorrow!"

You've been out of Naija too long if you say the following…

• 'Fireworks/Firecrackers' instead of 'Banga/Knock out'

• 'Soda/Pop' instead of 'Minerals'

• 'Weed' instead of 'Gbana'

• 'Concrete' instead of 'Cement'

• 'Peugeot' instead of 'Pe-geot'

• 'Trash Can' instead of 'Dozbin'

• 'Security Guard' instead of 'Gateman/Mai gadi'

• 'Faucet' instead of 'Tap'

• 'Pants' instead of 'Trouser/Trousees'

• 'VCR' instead of 'Video"

• 'Lotion' instead of 'Cream'

• 'Cornrows' instead of 'Weave'

• 'Weave' instead of 'Weave-on'

• 'Suitcase' instead of 'Box'

• 'Sneakers' instead of 'Canvas'

• 'Soccer' instead of 'Football'

• 'Flipflops' instead of 'Slipas'

• 'Nail polish' instead of 'Cutex'

• 'Braids' instead of 'Bob Mali'

• 'Gum' instead of 'Chin-gum'

• 'Shower' instead of 'Baaf'

• 'Clothes' instead of 'Spoot/ Baaffs'

• 'Living/Sitting Room' instead of 'Palor'

• 'Balcony' instead of 'Veranda'

• 'Ballpoint' instead of 'Biro or Bic'

• 'Arithmetic' instead of 'Mats'

• 'Abroad' instead of 'Oversis'

• 'Luggage' instead of Load (or for some Igbos, Ngwongwo)

• 'Menthol' instead of 'Vicks'

• 'Shot' instead of 'injekshun'

• 'Boss' instead of 'Oga'

• 'Manners/Etiquette' instead of ‘Home training'

• 'Flashlight' instead of 'Toch-light'

• 'Knock knees' instead of 'K-leg'

• 'Eye infection' instead of 'Appolo'

• 'Taxi' instead of 'Drop'

• 'Hood' instead of ‘Bonnet'

• 'Trunk' instead of ‘Boot'

• 'Motorcycle' instead of 'Okada/Machine'

• 'Truck' instead of 'Lorry'

• 'Bra' instead of 'Brazzier'

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side, You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."