₦airaland Forum

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied,

"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said,

"That's a very pretty name!
Which name you give my pikin (What did you name my son?"
The brother replied, "Denephew."

A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices rashes on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the America, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but decides, if it is common in America they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in New York.

The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?"

The man replies, "Yes a few in Abuja."

The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"

The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."

i guess he needed the stuff dats why he went back for another one.

Frankly speaking if you were in his shoes wot would you be thinking?

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away.

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the
church, Haven't seen one back since!"

Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding, "I'm not sure if
my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that. All you need is
some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel. You paint one ball red and
one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those are
the funniest balls I've ever seen!' you hit her with the shovel!"

A little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,
really bad now.
Doctor: "What happened to you?"
He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant joysticks are very narrow and
couldn't cause that much damage!"
He says "Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!"

i will need the xmas tree for decoration this december,whose popsy is dat? nice joke

Late one night a man watched an obviously drunk man searching hard for something under a street light. After watching him search for almost 30 minutes without success, he finally approached him and asked, "Hey, what are you looking for?"


"I am looking for my bunch of keys, I dropped them further down." he said, pointing to a dark area further down the street.


"Then why are you looking for them here?" asked the completely bewildered man.


The drunk straightened up and looked at him for some seconds as if he was an utter slowpoke, then snapped- "Cos the light's MUCH BETTER HERE, ofcourse!!"

A 5 year old boy asked his mom, "Mum, was Moses ever sick in the widerness?"


"Ofcourse not," replied his mum, "why do you ask?"


The boy then responded, "But then the Bible says that God gave him 2 TABLETS at Mount Sina."

Hello Ladies and gentlemen! it is before you to stand behind you to tell you a story i know nothing about. Tomorrow there wil be men's party for ladies alone. Admission wil be free but you have to pay at the gate. Invite all your friends and enemies, young and old but nobody is to attend. In addition to my story there were two blind them. Back to back they fought each other and shot each other with swords. A deaf policeman heard the shots and his lame partner raced to the spot. Just in case you don't believe me, ask the blind woman. SHE SAW IT ALL!

we'll be relocating very soon

A dubious man who had been fond of robbing taxi drivers of their fares by telling them he was a walking corpse met the shock of his life one fateful day.This is how it happened.


On previous lucky occassions,a dialogue like this usually ensues:


taxi driver:oga,please pay your money


passenger:hmm-DO-YOU-KNOW-YOU-ARE-CARRYING-A-CORPSE?


taxi driverstops the cab and runs so fast) yeeeh!a corpse,help! help!!


But on this fateful day,


taxi driver:oga,please pay your money


passenger:hmm-DO-YOU-KNOW-YOU-ARE-CARRYING-A-CORPSE?


taxi driver:hmm-DO-YOU-KNOW-THAT-I-AM-ALSO-A-CORPSE?


taxi driver:hmm-THAT-MEANS-YOU-ARE-MY-FELLOW-CORPSE


passengerterrified as he runs out of the cab) yeeeh!a real corpse,help!!


As he was running,he met a man who asked him what the problem was.He explained everything to him and could not believe his ears when the man replied saying "when I was alive, the same thing happened to me too."


The dubious man had no other choice than to faint.

o boy tank your star oooooooooooo,that i would say would have been the greatest mistake you've ever made in your life,had it been you had the stuff in your pocket.That's a nice one kudosss

Actually on the day they started i also danced along wit them from 12am to 6am,it's not easy,but i already had the faith nigerians that particpated would break the record and even set another record.The leader of the white group really motivated her group members,i guess thats why they turn out to be the last group wit most members still dancing after they broke the record.Nigerians are to much

General Sani Abacha of Nigeria at his weekly cabinet meeting, informed his ministers that President Jerry Rawlings of Ghana built a Space Shuttle and would travel to Mars in the coming months. General Abacha then declared that he wanted to build a Rocket and would travel to the Sun.

In fear, Abacha's ministers replied, "But General, how can we travel to the Sun when it is so hot? We will melt from the heat".

"You fools!" shouted Abacha. "Of course we will melt. Don't you think I know that? We will build the rocket and travel to the Sun at night!"

wot God has joined together let no man put assunder

A barber suspected his wife of having an affair after neighbours tipped him off that one of his customers was the culprit.
He knew the exact time the barber would leave the house for the shop and he discreetly crept into the house to meet with the barber's wife.

One day, the barber decided to set a trap for them.

As soon as he left the house, the lover sneaked into the house unaware that his liason with the Barber's wife was out in the open.

Several minutes later, the barber went back home and from the front window of the house, he was able to have a good view of the man's face. He went away and never did anything. He even arrived home later that day and said nothing to his wife.

Then one day, the same man came into the barber's shop to cut his hair. He had side burns (George Micheal style) and wanted this trimmed as well. Then the barber took his time cutting his hair and making sure every detail of his hair was profesionally done. Then he switched to the sideburns.

Our guy relaxed, checking himself in the mirror and thinking to himself what a silly fool the Barber was. He was having an affair with his wife and he was cutting his hair. Anyway, what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

Meanwhile, as the barber finished trimming the left side of guy's sideburns, he turned to the right side. In no time, he had finished that as well.

Then lastly, he decided to trim the mass of hair underneath his beard when he placed the scapel on his throat and said "Sho mo pe mo mo sha" (Translation: Do you know that I know what's going on?)

An Ondo village woman took her case to the village Chief to report that the village school teacher had raped her.

Following is the dialogue that took place;

Woman: Mo ro ran, Baba. E wa gba mi.!
(I am in trouble, please help me!!)

Chief: Emi lo sele?
(What happened?)

Woman: Oga tisha lo fagidi ba mi lopo, baba.
(The village teacher raped me)

Chief: E o,, moku. Ko tifo? Asakasa. O mi sha la ye, ohun mi sele
(Oh my goodness!. What did you say? This is an abomination. Explain how this happened?)

Woman: Mo mi kiri oja lori ate ni, Oga tisa koya pemi wonu ile, iko omi fera oja.
(As I was hawking my wares, the teacher called me into his house under the guise he wanted to buy something I was selling)

Woman: Mo mi wole to o, oga tisha ya ba le mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(I entered the house and the teacher quickly grabbed me. I just watched him, but didn't utter a word)

Woman: Omi kenu bomi lenu. Momi wo, me soro.
(Next thing I knew, he started kissing me. I watched him, but didn't say anything)

Woman: O mo wo lemi laya, o si te omu aya mi. Mo mi wo, me soro.
(He put his hands on my boobs and caressed them. I watched him, but still did'nt utter a word)

Woman: Iba le kewu mi soke, me wo, me soro.
(He then lifted up my skirt, yet I didn't utter a single word or resist)

Woman: Iba le bo sokoto, gbe mi sori ibusun. Me wo, me soro.
(He then undid his shorts, lifted me up and placed me on the bed. Still, I watched him)

Woman: Iba le wole si mi lara, oya yi mi lata faka fiki faka fiki. Me wo, me soro
(He got on top of me and he started having sex with me. Even then, I did not utter a single word)

The Chief was becoming very irritated and exasperated at this stage.

Chief: Duro lube! Igba wo gan koya soro.
(Enough! Stop there! When did you actually talk to voice your protest?)

Woman: Ha Baba, Igba ke han kedere simi pe mo fa rakun ni.
(My Chief,, When it dawned on me that I was pregnant!!!)

There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos.

A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.

The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?

The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you.

On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus.

The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately.

Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical

The Wife: What the hell did you just do?

The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet

An Isoko man was visiting Lagos for the first time and had to visit his son's office in a high-rise building.

On getting in to the lift to journey to the son's office on the 10th floor, the man was visibly shaken and looked quite uncomfortable.

He was muttering something to himself inaudibly, probably in the Isoko language.

As soon as the door of the lift flipped open for the first passenger to disembark at the 6th floor, the man shouted Oghene Buko!! and immediately jumped off the lift.

He was still muttering, this time loudly. "Thank God, these people are still after me from my village - They will not succeed.

I woke up one Saturday morning, after a hard night of drinking, with a serious hangover only to overhear two rats casually discussing in my room.

The first announced triumphantly 'you dis weak man, yesterday you know say na me eat all the fish for on top all those gum traps for the house!'.

In an effort to prove tougher, the other rat replied 'na that one una do? Shioo!! I dey use the rat trap as swing!'.

As the first rat was thinking up something else to brag about, out from one other corner came another rat's voice.

'See dis weak dodos as dem dey talk'.

I turned to see and there stood this rat in a waist coat and a comb in it's hands. He then proudly announced 'Una no know say na me give the cat for the next house belle!

A rolling stone -> Na person push am

A stitch in time -> Dey avoid futher tear tear

Birds of the same feather -> Na de same mama

One good turn -> Na power steering be dat

A friend in need -> Na long throat kill am

A bird in hand -> Na chops be dat

This is an imaginary situation, but it may be interesting deciding what you would do.

The situation:
You are in the West, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost, water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.

Let's say you're a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes.

If you were to stumble across Olusegun Obasanjo struggling to keep from being swept away in a raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph of the death of a President, what shutter speed would YOU use?

A young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly, "Mummy, Mummy!, come quickly! There is a strange man playing with the house maid in her room.

His mother stood up in anger.

"In my house?! Abi this girl craze! Ewo! If na true junior de talk I go kill this girl today"!

She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, junior who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee,

"April Fool Mum!, It's only Daddy playing with the house maid!"

There was this naija guy who was attending a meeting in France. He didn't speak much French. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting.

While they were where having sex, she kept yelling, "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise and appreciation for his technique. So he kept going even faster.

The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. To praise the guy, he yelled, "TROU FAUX, TROU FAUX !"

They all looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will, if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa, " He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh, The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

obasanjo attended a conference in america togther with paul biya as african representatives.after the conference they went to the white house and president bush asked his wife laura to offer them some salad.the salad was served on the table and paul biya served himself and started eating.obasanjo interupted and told biya"you most be very hungry.biya asked why he said so and obasanjo asnwered"because i don't understand how you can start eating the vegetable when they are still about to serve the pounded yam to be eaten with

There was a poor man with many kids. He always did his best to get them food.

Unfortunately, this man had only 5 Naira with him which on one particular day, he used in purchasing fried fish.

So this man made the local Garri and tied the fish up above the Garri.

A calculation was made and each individual in the family was allocated their quota - take a spoonful of Garri and inhale the aroma from the fish once.

Beginning from the father, then the mother and progressing through all the kids, they all took a spoonful of Garri and inhaled the aroma once.

The last kid, feeling brave, took a spoonful of Garri and inhaled the aroma of the fish twice.

Damn!

His father gave him a dirty slap and said DROP ONE!