₦airaland Forum

TenQ:
She never said that her husband isn't working. She was concerned that he wasn't motivated to doing more. She used the example of him sleeping at 9 pm as an example.

Semantics. He "works" remotely at a Job that pays the equivalent of $340... rent alone in their apartment is $950. How can a man, a leader of his home, go to bed at 9p with this reality? Why isnt he motivated to assist his wife to cover the rest, let alone other household expenses, including the cost of the very cell phone he uses?

TenQ:
The first solution to a marital problem is not Divorce. Divorce or Separation is only an option either when every solution proffered had been exhausted with no resolution in sight or the life or sanity of the other person is threatened.

That is correct. But assumes that we have both partners pulling in the same direction. That's clearly not the case here. This is basically forcing a woman to bear with an abusive, indolent spouse.

TenQ:
I mentioned LOVE because of the lack of understanding of what Love is amongst married people. Love is NOT an emotion: love is a CHOICE we make in building the life of the other person.

Irrelevant. There is nothing in her post that suggests that her complaints are centered around her emotions. She has talked about practical realities - financial responsibilities on her shoulders alone, a husband who is unsupportive, abusive, indolent, unwilling to take on his role as a leader and provider, and who withholds his body from her for no justified reason. Those are CHOICES he makes, and no spouse should be forced to "build" a grown man into his basic responsibilities.

TenQ:
We don't reject our children and take them to an orphanage when they are not compliant : the reason is because we chose to love them. When we can't do this for our spouse, it puts to question if we really do love our spouse in the first place

Irrelevant. This is not a child, but a grown adult. Based on her account, there is a serious question as to whether her husband ever loved her in the first place. You're asking the wrong person.

TenQ:
It was marriage!
She only did not do her due diligence during courtship. Thus this is equally her fault.
She must have noticed these traits in him before marriage BUT she overlooked them.

Fully agree. She is at fault for marrying someone she felt was "spiritual" when it was all a cover for an empty shell of a person.

TenQ:
The question every person in courtship should ask themselves is "Can I live with the consequences of each of his weaknesses!?"
If you cannot, why go on with the Wedding in the first place.

Agreed. She made that mistake, she is not bound to continue to suffer in it. She has a CHOICE to leave.

TenQ:
No one can change another person: it is an impossibility!
As you make your bed, so you sleep on it!

But earlier, you encouraged her to "build" her spouse? Which is it?

Kobojunkie:
I continue not to see your point since OP never hinted at his wife completely withdrawing sex and affection from him after a ring and a baby. How you even arrived at those being what she wanted.... I fail to see in any of what OP posted so far about his woman.

You're perpetually arguing with everyone, so I'm going to bow out. You have the floor.

Kobojunkie:
Again, OP tested her ability to give and receive affection and gave her his approval.

All of which she promptly withdrew once she got what she wanted - a ring and a baby. Your point?

lucane123:
This is why I'm not a fan of no sex till after marriage, don't quote me wrong, I'm not saying is not good.. infact it's godly, but I'm not just a fan. I have to know my woman and ensure we sexually compatible before marriage.

Not necessarily true. My wife said no sex before marriage... and she's easily better sexually than any other woman I've been with. The difference is that she understands what a marriage is and fully commits herself to it. Looking back, sex before marriage was completely of no value.

Kobojunkie:
The major reason why asexual women choose marriage is because society tells women they are nothing without men. And many of us have mothers and grandmothers who are asexual women, but were forced into marriage and then had to force themselves to accept having their bodies poked and prodded in marriage. So, let's please stop trying to paint asexual women black or as bad women.

According to OP, he tested her ability to give and receive affection before marriage and did not find her wanting. This means she ticked all of the right boxes for him — she is the wife material of his choice. That she has not been giving him affection ever since discovering that she is pregnant is something entirely different. It does not matter whether you think she is asexual or not, as what matters is that she submitted to marriage and was accepted by OP as his partner as-is.

Other than not giving him sex and remaining firm about her decision, OP hasn't complained about anything else about his wife. Why make her out to be a villain?

That is not true. It's not so much the sex op has complained about, but the complete withdrawal of ALL forms of affection. As he puts it, he is no better than a roommate with his supposed wife. To pretend it's just about sex, so we can hide behind "she's pregnant" is just as dishonest as a woman who knows she has a very low sexual libido leading a man into a marriage she fully does not intend to commit to.

Kobojunkie:
There are several reasons why a person can literally shut down in that way, and some of them happen to be psychological. Fear/Anxiety is a major reason why many people do so.

You literally concluded that the woman is asexual, and I am unable to share your conclusion, given that OP himself revealed that they said that they would kiss and smooch before marriage.

OP literally told his story from the point of his not getting his libido and want for affection satisfied, and didn't really reveal much else except that this all started after the woman realized she had taken in, and according to him, has not impacted her daily life. Without much else to go by, the best we can do is point him towards allowing the woman, whom he assures us is brand new to sex and pregnancy, to wrap her mind around potential fears that may be associated with such changes in the life of a woman. Simple!

If she refused to even kiss and smooch before marriage, likely op would have chosen not to marry her. Lots of asexual women put up with sex to get married or have kids.

Kobojunkie:
You married a woman without an established sexual history — you literally have no reference to work off of as far as her sexual history—expecting that she would automagically jump into your sexual rhythm right after marriage. I am afraid what you need to check at this point are your expectations. What choice do you have other than to let her work through her issues and come out to explain it to you when she is ready to? 🥱🥱🥱

This doesn't make sense. If she were only choosing not to have sex, I would understand. She's basically shut down any form of affection completely. How is it crazy to expect that newlyweds would want to touch each other, hug, kiss, and hold hands? Bizarre.

Double0h7:
That’s got to be so terrifying for her. Imagine, to never have had sex and on your first attempt you get pregnant. For a woman that’s 2 fears in 1. The anxiety of having to give birth before you even set your mind on being a wife. Why wouldn’t sex be the last thing on her mind.

What’s even sadder is ops selfish attitude. He doesn’t even care about her wellbeing because a wife is an incubator and a sex tool for him and his like. I honestly believe a lot of men hate women and refuse to see them as human beings. Reading the comments from men on this thread is shocking. No mercy.

I really hope young ladies are paying attention and are not looking to these men as some knights coming to save them. My sister prioritise your education and be ready to rescue yourself before one beast uses you as a sex tool before he throws you and your seed out of HIS house.

Women with no interest in sex would be doing men a huge favor by being up front about it, so unsuspecting men don't end up in fruitless marriages. Marriage is a give and take... even the bible acknowledges that our bodies are to be sex tools for each other. 1 Corinthians 7:4.

Enough of the guilt tripping.

NotOfThisWorld:
Just talk to her, or wait until May 2026 when she will deliver. May 2026 is just around the corner, even though you'll have to give her some time after that as well. You cannot expect her to want to do the do with you right after she puts to bed. She's your wife; she's not going anywhere. Just be patient. Patience, patience.

Which is probably why she is comfortably switching to the real her. Its not the sex that is a worry, its the complete refusal for any form of affection - even touching her or hugging.

He's stuck with an asexual individual. Good luck.

TenQ:
One of the first rules of marital counselling is never to judge or condemn until you have heard the back and forth from both parties.
Notwithstanding,
1. Since you've not heard from the man, how did you arrive at the notion that her husband is cruel, lazy and a fraud?


2. You claim that you see some of his traits in yourself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs. Since you know that your wife wants you to go out to club with her, why is it difficult for you to do this simple thing?

Is this deliberate on your part or it's your default nature?


3. You conclude that He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully BUT the Wife herself said that her husband is WEAK!
Are you aware that some men have very low Libido? Their level of Testosterone is below average and thus both their drive, interest and strength are low!

As a man, if your wife has a naturally low libido, is the answer to divorce her because of this?

So, my brother!
My stance is to encourage her and give advice on remedying her situation because it is a one-sided story for now! Divorce or separation is the LAST option to be put on the table except her life or sanity is under immediate threat.

The first point of call is to see to the resolution of the problem from a one-sided point of view UNTIL the other partner can be made to come to the table.

A Fundamental mistake was made in their courtship. The objective is to build and repair their marriage and not to destroy it.

The problem with many is that they assume that LOVE is an emotion. But, no: LOVE is a CHOICE and COMMITMENT to Build the other Person at Personal Expense!

I will respond to two points here:

1. You are correct that we must not judge, having not heard from the man... but certain things can be inferred from objective facts. Unless we believe she is 100% lying, a man who spends most of his time sleeping, refusing to pick up basic jobs to provide for his family, is rightfully described as "worse than an infidel" in 1 Timothy 5:8. That is the bible, not judging. Such a man does not deserve the title of "husband".

2. That love is a choice is not a unique insight to counselors only. Many of us make conscious choices every day to nurture a commitment. But I must add, marriage is not a shield to avoid living up to your responsibility. I doubt you would tell a man to commit to building his wife at personal expense if she were busy cheating. I did not read anywhere in the ops post that her problem with her husband was about emotions. She called out PRACTICAL reasons - doesn't work to support his home, is lazy, never bothers to ask how bills are paid, does not support his wife's ambitions, selfish, unhelpful, ungrateful, can't even be bothered to lead his family in prayer... I'm honestly struggling to connect your advice to anything she said.

You talk about building and repairing the marriage rather than tearing it down. From her words, it was never a marriage from day 1. So what is there to build, repair, or destroy? She is basically living in a roommate situation.

breadtoaster:
Hmmm......
Yesterday was down a bit sad..... useless all evening. Hoping to come out stronger and feel better. Some women are being beaten and injured yet they stay.

So if someone isn't just concerned about me or just cold or minding his business, I am still in a better condition.

And the one who is being beaten will say, at least he buys me cars and flies me first class to Dubai for vacations. You are both in the same boat... You don't know it. The men here are pushing you to "manage it" because many of them are the same. As I said, I saw some of myself in your husband (not the lazy part), it took my wife giving me an ultimatum to realize I had to take meaningful steps to change... and I still have a long way to go. You have a man who has no desire to change, improve his life, or do more than sleep all day. It will get worse, regardless of what YOU do. You can get a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink.

TenQ:
As a marriage counselor and a Christian, I will tell you that your problem is minor so, please wipe your eyes.

Yes, a number of things were wrong before you got married like you did not truly know him because you didn't discuss those areas of your lives.

The Solution
1. Stop feeling miserable!
Why? Your husband is not supposed to be the source of your joy, inspiration and future in your Marriage. You are entirely responsible for that!

2. Stop looking at his weaknesses and failures!
Why?!It is too late to change him now. This is who he is by nature. You cannot change him!

3. Stop comparing him with your dreams !
Why? He is different from what you hoped, accept him for what he is!

4. Begin to create the atmosphere you desire in your home by yourself. Don't expect him to do it. He is seriously PHLEGMATIC, nothing will move unless you move it! He will join you when you initiate prayers or call him up for church or Bible studies. Don't expect him to lead... you'd be wasting your time and you'll get frustrated.

5. Acceptance and Independence is your key: Of the situation knowing that it is a long sprint. You may be the one to run the household. You will be the one to get your land and house. You may be the one to go to your children's school. You may be the one to run the Family.

6. Pray for strength to Love him in spite of these obvious weaknesses and ask God help you carry your cross.

7. Don't expect Romance from a Phlegmatic like him. You will just hurt yourself if you do!

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.


People like him need a strong Wife.
Every marriage is different!
Every marriage have their own problem.




If you have any questions, please feel free!

In all sincerity, I am worried who you are counseling.

He isn't phlegmatic. Let's not overspiritualize things. He is cruel, lazy, and 1 Timothy 5:8 is written for men like him. I see some of his traits in myself - quiet, not as willing to go out, took lots of trying for my wife to get me out to clubs... but I cannot imagine my wife having to worry one day about how her bills are paid, having to work 2 jobs and go to school while I sleep all day, etc. He withholds sexual satisfaction from his wife willfully, a violation of 1 Corinthians 7:5.

She married a fraud. A man who hid behind "spirituality" to explain away the fact that he was simply a shell, not fit to be a husband. He is not holding up his end of the marital bargain, so she is free to move on.

Note:
Be joyful in the fact that
1. He may never cheat on you
2. He may provide financially to the best of his ability
3. He would probably never lift his hands or mouth at you.

There is nothing to be joyful about in the above:
1. Withholding his body as punishment is cheating.
2. He isnt - she's been the sole breadwinner. The best of his ability so far is sleeping and nagging her every day
3. As my wife would tell me, the silent treatment is worse than slapping your spouse.

So exactly what should she be joyful about? This is the Nigerian brand of "christianity", where we are taught to endure abuse in Jesus name.

breadtoaster:
No, I didn’t stay with him during courtship. We courted for 8 months together and were in a long-distance relationship for one year. He was quiet while we were dating, I agree, but to be honest, he wasn’t my go-to for ideas or when I needed a solution to something quickly. I had a friend who was 19 years older than me that I would always reach out to. He had become more of a brother, and my family knows him. He’s married with kids, and his wife and I have become like sisters. But he relocated out of the country in December last year.

So, I feel this never gave me time to see my husband’s creativity or all that. Life was always happening so fast. Or maybe, somewhere inside, I knew he wasn’t very solution-oriented, so I never asked him. But I never saw his quietness as a sign that he wouldn’t be social or wouldn’t know how to love a woman or anything like that.

I remember when he was about to propose, I asked if he wouldn’t give me a romantic proposal, and he said he didn’t know my ring size and couldn’t go and buy a ring that might not fit. He also said he didn’t know which of my family members to meet to run the package or surprise. I remember being hurt — that should have been the writing on the wall for me, though. He said I should follow him to the market to get it.

As an update, he told me this morning, after I was crying, that we are both adults and can decide what we want as a lasting solution on what to do with our relationship because he is tired of seeing me cry. All I needed was a soft feeling of care, even if it just meant holding me, because I am on my period same time and I’m just all over the place emotionally.

I just feel hungry — like when, as a woman, your emotions are not being cared for or attended to. If I’m unable to have sex once (I couldn’t because I was having serious period cramps), he won’t even bother to touch me again until whenever Jesus says it’s time. He wouldn’t care that I was in pain at that moment. He would just say that I’m refusing him, and if he doesn’t try again, then its my problem andfault. It just feels off — everything, the connection, etc. Its almost no existent. I am not even sure if its because maybe he doesnt love me or maybe he isnt experienced on how to show it (him not having relationships, sisters only brothers, him being a virgin, spiritual brother back then etc).

Today I went downstairs, picked up my phone, and wanted to call all my friends since I was really feeling sad and all. I had to leave him because he would still judge me if i call them in his front. As I was going down, he said he knows that’s why I’m crying — so I can “use style” to find my way out to go and talk on my phone. Before, I would feel guilt-tripped and sit down asking myself whether I don’t have right to use my phone. But I just ignored him and went down. I came back and he isn’t talking to me. Apparently, I’ve sinned and I know I would be punished with silence for as long as maybe two days or so for choosing to call others and smile with them. (he would say he is not punishing me, but he would keep silent).

Its more like i cant go anywhere or talk to anyone if he doesn't follow me. I had an office party and told him I wanted to go, he was already angry as it was going to be an evening party. I didn't get to go again because he had said to me, that me, I want to be living my life (all because I wana go to my office party).

The dynamics are just childish and tiring for me. Until when will I do this? I didn’t marry him for money, because at the moment I’m working in a better place, though we’re still praying for a better job for him so at least I can rest too. I don’t know if that insecurity eats at him as well. I’ve cut off a lot of people because of this marriage, and I don’t want to keep doing that continuously.

A friend of mine that I introduced to him came over one day, and he asked the person why the person came to our house and if it was right I forgot to mention (which OfCourse isn't right but to let the person know they arent welcome because i forgot to genuinely mention is huge).

That person has never stepped foot in my house again. He is insecure around my friends — maybe he thinks they are better than him, I’m not sure. As it is, I know I can’t share any friend I have with him because he’s always insecure around them, or he’ll say that I’ve told them one thing or another about him. But he knew I had friends while dating and acted normal. He would say once you just explain, its fine by me, I dont have any issue. Not once did he fight any.

I really regret telling him to come meet me abroad after I left Nigeria. I thought we would work together as one to do great things, have coule goals, be driven etc. even get a good house instead of this one room and toilet we’re managing, until he gets his papers. I even thought we can find two jobs to do and he would support with applying and then he can assit on the second one so we can do more together for now before his papers come. bu he wont even apply, just do his Nigerian work he is doing and sleep the rest of the day or lazy around.

He has told me that because I want to do papers, I think I am God. different talks that hurt. after he told me to find who I lost my virgintiy to as it wasn't him. I told him I had pictures of that night it happened because I know he can flip on me. Then he said it could be any picture of blood. then i told him i remembered to make a video in case he wants to say i sleep around or he dont trust me simply because i dont want live a graveyard live like he wants to. Isolated from information, ideas etc.

He said I always say we should go back to Nigeria since we’re not happy here, that i am threatening him and i should better give him his application money if I know i want us to go back. He always tells me that when his work permit is out, I will see how hardworking he is. He is still working in his office in Nigeria remotely though, and I’m managing a low-paying job here at least enough to pay for the room and toilet and feed and schooling at the same time, doing certifications and all, applying wickedly for better jobs, doing interviews, just to get higher. It’s just a lot sometimes.

I just wish I felt like I had a partner — a ride or die. I kept myself so well and didn’t mess up; I don’t know why it ended up this way. I even cried on the wedding day because apparently, he was with my sister’s friends and they said they met him unhappy in the corridor. When they asked why, he said, “Whatever his family does is not enough.” I was confused because I was wondering what that meant. That was the first time his family was showing up, which was for the wedding. The last time they came was a year ago when they came to meet my parents for the marriage, and my parents kind of slowed the wedding down because they said they weren't very aware of our relationship and wanted to observe themselves and pray.

Since then both parents have only spoken on phone and greeted each other once in two months or three months until the day they showed up the night of the wedding.

So I don’t know. We have fought so much, even in front of my family / parents . We’d go to their house and still end up fighting / shouting on each other. As it is now, he says my mum and my sister have offended him. Only my dad and my sister’s husband haven’t offended him.

I called his brother a few weeks back, saying I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was tired — especially after my husband kept saying he never wanted to come here in the first place, that it was their elder brother who made him come and that he would only sleep with me now using condom and doesnt want to sleep with me unprotected till he finds work. I started to wonder what is this guy's plan? does he want to get paper and then not have child with me and use that period to then escape? or what. He said he wanted to take responsibility.

He is just too serious. I’m playful. No dirty words during sex, no knowledge of any position — only missionary. His brother even had to teach us how to have sex on the phone after I called him that time and he sent some traditional drugs that can help with sex. It’s just been so much.

I have only one piece of advice to you - cancel the immigration plans and send him back home. Take a grip of your life. Not sure why you decided it was a good idea to go back to Nigeria to marry when you had men around you. Of course he feels inferior.

Memory lane! The 1980s and 1990s kids would know this by heart.

DrRasheed:
So because a bride didn't wear hijab on her wedding day, your immediate conclusion is that religion is bondage—and only for the poor? That says more about your own intellectual laziness than anything about Islam.

Let’s be clear: the hijab is not about poverty or wealth. It’s a religious command, not a class symbol. Millions of educated, empowered women around the world—doctors, engineers, CEOs—wear the hijab out of conviction, not compulsion. Reducing a deeply spiritual choice to "bondage for the poor" exposes your shallow understanding of faith and your tendency to mock what you do not understand.

And if you're pointing fingers at the elite, ask yourself: why do the powerful often abandon principle the moment power blinds them? That isn’t proof that religion is fake—it’s proof that humans are weak. Don’t mistake hypocrisy for truth.

Instead of using one bride’s dress to dismiss an entire faith, maybe pick up a book, study history, theology, or philosophy. You might realize that Islam, when sincerely followed—not politicized or flaunted—isn't bondage, but guidance. Not for the poor, but for the conscious.

is it a religious command that is not by compulsion?

seunmsg:
Two very unfortunate deaths this night. This is a big loss to Nigeria and Yoruba nation. May Kabiyesi’s soul rest in peace.

What did we lose?

free2ryhme:
Trump has destroyed this man's life forever

chai 😭😭😭😭

He was a life long criminal. He destroyed his own life... it was only a matter of time before he landed in a life sentence in Texas anyway.

Most of us don’t prepare ahead. I am just lucky as a person, I haven’t planned my retirement as well. I invested in my children instead of building houses and in old age, they will take care of me.

This is irresponsible and an excuse many parents who fail to plan use to avoid accountability.

Being a parent is not an "investment" in your children. You're simply doing what ordinary goats and sheep do - providing for their offspring. Nothing special. It is your responsibility to provide for your children while also planning for your financial sustainability when you are no longer able to work. He wasn't investing in his kids, he simply had too many.

1. She didnt have a "valid" visa. She had a current visa incompatible with the purpose for which she sought entry,

2. Misrepresentation... she earned herself a 10-year visa ban.

3. As usual with the Nigerian, the devil is needlessly blamed for a problem she willfully caused, while invoking 'god', who is fine with a little white lie here and there.

PigTormentor:
Zionist genocide. A day will come when Zionist children will pay for the crimes of their fathers.
Nothing lasts forever.

It's not genocide, it's payback for Oct 7. Slowly, everyone is getting tired of placating Muslims.

Jihadists had this coming. Too bad.

lalaH96:
Hello, any mamas who did their baby’s hearing test independently in Houston? Was offered one by the Pediatrix Group at the hospital and I declined because I once saw posts here about how they bill you ridiculous amounts/hidden bills so I didn’t want to take a chance

I would have taken the audio tests at the hospital. Shouldn't that be part of the routine pediatric exams once the baby is born?

He said many of the courses pursued abroad under the scheme were readily available in Nigerian universities.

So let me guess: Will his children also study in Nigeria?

Luckysbab:
They took a stand (side with their government). The Swiss boys have the right to take their own stand too.

That is not the Swiss government's stance. That is the stance of leftists with a white savior complex.

Luckysbab:
Is the fencing team in charge of the country's finance?

Was that Israeli team in charge of the government?

TruthU87:
Why is Israel in a European fencing championship? I thought they were indigenous to the Middle East. They're middle-easterns Only if they want to steal lands.

If you think they are not indigenous to the ME, why are you asking this question?

They are in the EU precisely because in many ME countries, as an American, i am denied entry if I have an Israeli visa stamp in my passport. Now, imagine what that means if I carry an Israeli passport.

So, when next you want to ask this foolish question, research.

Eriokanmi:
Na so baba God dey run tinz. Psalm 113 sayst it all. I remember the day I was inside same hall with barak Obama inside the DAR Hall near the White house in Washington DC. The moment this man was invited to the podium to give us his speech, i was like them that dreamed. Don't limit yourself,believe! I was the only one invited from the whole of subsaharan africa

What of the white people who were in that hall? They viewed it as just another day... You viewed it as "baba God". This is how much religion (not Christianity) has paralyzed the Nigerian psyche.

xpressionx:
Just like Dunsin,He doesn't charge to minister in programmes.
He once travelled with his team to another country,he was not given honourarium nor their air fare paid for.
Yet God has so much honour him.

You wouldn't need to charge if you had the same number of YouTube views. We need to view issues in context.

He had a DUI case... expungement does not go away when it comes to immigration.

This is why these Christian artists don't charge when they "minister." They already make hundreds of thousands of dollars streaming their minstrations on YouTube.