₦airaland Forum

A beautiful girl was given a pedicure to a man who was also getting a shave at a saloon. The man says ''what about a date later? '',  ''am married'' she replied. The man said: ''so? Call your husband and tell him you are going to visit a girlfriend'' she said ''you tell him yourself , he is the one shaving you'',

If u are the Husband, Wat will u do?

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom, What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Abeg. Make una no vex. Who be dis Uzor sef. The Guy must be popular o. I believe there must be something unique about this guy for him to be this popular.

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a very slight, very tight bikini strolled by.

The near-naked woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: “Hi there handsome. How are you doing?”

She then wiggled her backside and walked off.

“Who was that?” demanded the doctor’s wife.

“Err… Just a woman I met professionally,” replied the doctor.

“Oh yeah?!” snarled his wife, “Whose profession? Yours or hers?”.

Thanks

Pls I meant no harm. So all those that felt insulted should pls forgive me.

Little Johnny’s father was a rector in a small church. When the bishop came to visit, Little Johnny became very excited.

The bishop arrived late in the evening, well past Little Johnny’s bedtime. The next morning, Johnny asked his father if he would be allowed to meet the important man.

His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny take the bishop his tea and awaken him. His father gave him instructions: “first, knock on the door of the bishop’s room and then say to him ‘It’s the boy, my Lord, it’s time to get up.’”

Little Johnny was very excited. He rehearsed his lines, repeating them over and over. Finally, the tea was ready and Little Johnny picked up the tray and left the kitchen for the bishop’s room.

A few minutes later, the important man–still in his bedclothes–came running through the kitchen, out the door and down the lane.

The father turned to his son and shouted, “What happened?”

“Well, father, I was so nervous I messed up my lines. I knocked on the door and said. ‘It’s the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!’”.

write this on a sheet of paper

370HSSV 0773H

then turn the paper upside down and read,

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Every country on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time they lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Australian. The hands hard moved, indicating that their lie telling is minimal."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's for Finland. The hands move once in every 3mins.

"Where is that for Nigerians?" asked the man.

"That of Nigeria is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps liars. He decides 2 test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were u today during school hours?
SON: School. Robot slaps son! ok, I lied, I went to the movies.
DAD: Which one?
SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! ok, it was day with porn star.
DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was, Robot slaps Dad!
MOM: Ha ha! Like father like son. Robot slap mom.

Pls bear with me.Couldn't resist sharing, Anybody fit interprete?

Everytin in a Ladies upper body starts wit a“ B” , Blouse,Bra, Boobs, Breast, & d Lower body with a“ P” , Petticoat , Pants, Period,Panties, Pu**y . No wonder men suffer from “BP”

wen last did u check ur BP?

While walking down the street one day a Nigerian senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, champagne and lots of women to go with.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises,

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he has in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning, Today you voted.'



OH!

One day Ex President Obasanjo fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

Obasanjo thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing each in the whole world.

The first boy asked for a trip to Obudu Cattle Ranch, the next day he was there.

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV.

Obasanjo, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.

The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you"

A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.
The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad; he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.

A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don�t move, don�t even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I'll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"

A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their news show.

The first candidate walks in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is one thing you notice about me?"

The guy says, "Well dang! You don’t have any ears man!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

The second candidate comes in, and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What is something you notice about me?"

The guy says, "That's easy, you got no ears!"

So the boss yells, "Get out!"

As the second candidate leaves he sees the third candidate about to go in and says, "The boss has no ears so don't say anything about them, cause he is really sensitive about it."

So the third candidate goes in and the boss says, "This job requires you to notice a lot of details. What do you notice about me?"

The guy says, "You’re wearing contacts."

And the boss says, "Very good, how did you know?"

The guy replies, "Well you can't wear glasses cause you DON’T have ears."

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

lmao

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called the lawyer up.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $400,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um, no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stuttered an apology but was interrupted,

"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her broke with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea, "

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "So, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!!

Guy u try but na copied joke. U copy am from Basket Mouth. All the same it's still funny.

Two Yoruba Agberos were sitting on a bench on the Bar Beach walk way admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Abuja or the moon?"

"Duh, " said the other, "Can you see Abuja from here?"

lol

thanks

eyah

thanks

the joke is completed