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A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, Gear, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I was at the backseat by mistake."

Thanks Moderator

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

RIP

Guy u need to see a doctor!

A rich man walks into a bar in Warri and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you guys are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give #50,000.00 to anybody in here who can drink 12 bottles of big Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the rich man's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the rich man on the shoulder. "Ur bet still dey active?", asks the man.

The rich man says yes and asks the bartender to line up 12 bottles of big Guinness. Immediately the guy tears into all 12 of the big Guinness drinking them all back-to-back. The other patrons cheer him up as the rich man sits in amazement.

The rich man gives the guy the #50,000.00 and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

The guy replies, "You see I no wan disgrace myself in the presence of all dis crowd so i go the bar wen dey down road to try am first, na hin i com know say i go fit drink am".

LOl

yeah

Mrs Theresa loved to visit her children, aunties, uncles nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country.The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who is an expert in aviation security. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The expert looked through his files and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." Mrs Theresa nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her so that she will be the one in five hundred thousand and not be afraid that someone else is carrying a bomb.

thanks men

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot."What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $20."Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity""Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman "Bleep me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam""I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.A short while later, the woman's husband comes home. "Well Bleep me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

thanks

Well, it is not only ibo's that love money but all tribe.

guy leave am for us like that.

A boy walks down the street with a dead dog.He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

"Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon." he says and I want her to have herpes," "Why on earth would you want that?" asked the madam, "and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean." The little boy pulls out #2,500 and gives it to the madam."One dirty girl, coming up," she says.

The madam takes the boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed babe. When he comes down a little bit later, she says, "Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?"

The boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says, "It's like this lady, When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna Bleep her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

Then when my dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter and Bleep her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

Then when my mum gets home, she's going to Bleep my dad and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, my uncle is going to show up at my house and Bleep my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING DOG!"

A Father confronted his 18 year old daughter one night " I don't like that new boyfriend of yours, he's rough, common and bloody stupid".

Oh no daddy the daughter replied, Fred is very clever and a genius too. We have only been going out for 10 weeks and he has cured me of that bloody illness i used to get once a month.

The father fainted!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.

True love for me.

Yeah the #50,000.00 was taken by the Ibo Men

Tu Face and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Tu Face was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, who checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged.

The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye to the Pope as he went off to heaven.

On his way up, the Pope met Tu Face who was on his way down, and they stopped to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Tu Face: No problem!

Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.

Tu Face: Why is that? It's not that great.

Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Tu Face: Sorry, your Holiness - but you're about a day late.

A gang of robbers broke into a club full of Ibo men by mistake. The Ibo men gave them a fight for their life and their money.

The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got #15,000.00 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of the Ibos, we had #50,000.00 when we broke in!"

Yo momma's so ugly,
when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."

Yo momma's so ugly,
she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo momma's so ugly,
just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo momma's so ugly,
they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower

Yo momma's so ugly,
they didn't give her a costume when she auditioned for a horror film.

Yo momma's so ugly,
when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras

Yo momma's so ugly,
her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her

Yo momma's so ugly,
her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

Yo momma's so ugly,
the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo momma's so ugly,
they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

Yo momma's so ugly,
she made an onion cry.

Yo momma's so ugly,
when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out!

Yo momma's so ugly,
on Halloween the kids trick or treat her by phone!

Yo momma's so ugly,
she turned Medusa to stone!

Yo momma's so ugly,
people go as her to Halloween parties.

Yo momma's so ugly,
that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

An attractive young girl, with an ugly old lady entered a doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "It's my old aunt here."

"Very well, Madam, put your tongue out."

Mrs. Theresa went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.

The Doctor said, "Get undressed, Mrs. Theresa, and lie down on the examining table."

She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.

After a couple of minutes he asked, "How does that feel?"

" Wonderful," she replied, "but the discharge is from my ear!"

A Yoruba man and a Hausa man were seated next to an Ibo on a Bar. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their sex lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Yoruba man bragged, "and this morning she made me a delicious meal and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Hausa responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful meal also and told me she could never love another man."

When the Ibo man remained silent, the Yoruba man asked, "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Hausa man shouted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street-light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help. "What is it you have lost?" he asked.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch. "Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said: "Because the light's a lot better here."

definitely the woman.

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in December," his friend replied, "and left me #2,500,000. Then in January my father died, leaving me #4,000,000."

"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"The month of February my aunt died, and left me #1,500,000." His friend continued.

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"The month of March," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"