if you want to live long then you need to know these.

1 knowledge
Many died early because they lack knowledge. the Bible said
My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge: because thou hast rejected knowledge, I will also reject thee, that thou shalt be no priest to me: seeing thou hast forgotten the law of thy God, I will also forget thy children. Hosea 4:6
if i say knowledge i am not taking about denominational or self knowledge am talking about divine knowledge of God.

2 Honour people.
honour your parent and you will live long. not just your parent but the elders, the shepherds, and the authorities God set over you.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise; That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. Ephesians 6:1-3

3. Believe that the God you serve is Almighty, and there is none greater than Him, believe that in Christ Jesus you are untouchable.

4. Prayer
The people we studied before who cancelled death in there lives in the bible, did that through prayer, (cried, plea, pray talk with God). Even now when a wicked person is attacking you physically or spiritually through prayer and putting the whole armour of God you will surely overcome always

5 Humility. always humble yourself

6 control your tongue
the scripture says the power of life and death is in the tongue Prov 18:21, don't use your tongue to end your life, use it well that you may live longer.

if you can do these believe me you will live long, not even virus, watches, wicked people can terminate your life

7 David
2 Samuel chapter 11&12

King David saw another man's wife (Bathsheba) bathing, as a king he enquired and sent for her, committed an adultery with her and send her back, when the woman realise that she was with a child (pregnant) she sent a word... David realise that and he wanted to cover his wrong doing, so he sent a letter to Joab saying *send me Uriah the Hittite* (the woman's husband), David try to make him sleep with his wife but he refused he slept at the door, David got him drunk the next day but he refused again, David decided to end his life, he sent him back to Joab with a letter and he wrote in the letter, *saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die.* And it happened that way Uriah died in that battle, and David took Bathsheba and she became his wife. God was not happy with David and the consequence of his sin is suppose to be death.

The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him. “Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.” David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’ “This is what the Lord says: ‘Out of your own household I am going to bring calamity on you. Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight. You did it in secret, but I will do this thing in broad daylight before all Israel.’”

*After everything hear what David said*
Then David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” Nathan replied, “The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.

Though God punished David for his wrong doing, but the way David humble himself and plead for mercy adverted the death upon him. All you need to do is to stop looking at yourur wrong doing, look unto the merciful God, full of compassion through Christ, and plea for mercy and you will live long.

6 Paul

Is possible for one to face all kind of difficulties yet live. Mind set is our main problem, we fear many things forgetting the fact that the LORD God said fear not.
Paul suffered yet he didn't died, hear what he have to say about himself.

been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches. 2 Corinthians 11:23-28

All these doesn't take away his life
Paul discovered the mystery of life and death, he refused to die, he choose not to rest until he finish the race.

Think of all that Paul went through yet he didn't died, infact he didn't wish to died for the sake of the church, when Paul was ready he began to talked of fighting a good fight, finishing the race... And not long after that he fall asleep. Keep telling yourself that you won't died until you fullfill your destiny, and you will live, not even a virus can take your life.

5 Stephen

He was one of the seven elected people that are to serve at the table.
He was a man full of the Holy Spirit. One day he preached and people accuse him wrongly, they secretly persuaded some men to say, “We have heard Stephen speak blasphemous words against Moses and against God.” Acts 6:11... They accused him of blasphemy and drag him out of the city and stone him.
Before Stephen died something happened
He saw the Son of man standing on the right hand of God. Act 7:55
After saying that they rushed him out of the city and began stone him, Stephen prayed one prayer
Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep. Acts 7:59-60

First thing I want you to understand is Jesus was always seen seated at the right hand of God, this is the only scripture we saw Jesus standing, that means Jesus Christ was telling Stephen ask anything *I AM is here for you,* but Stephen said Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep.

Do you know that Stephen died because he prayed for it� Not just because he was stone, Paul was also stone but he refused to pray Stephen kind of prayer and he live. Hallelujah

No matter the pain you are experiencing, if you didn't pray a prayer of dead believe me the pain won't kill you, so many people in the hospital keep praying such kind of prayer, Lord am tired I want to go... and must of them died.
Please if you are not ready to rest, never pray such kind of prayer for your self. Even if they shut you with a gun, pray for yourself I will not die and you won't die even though you will feel the pain but you will surely recover fastly. The power of life and death is in the tongue Prov 18:21

4 Peter and the church

Peter head the church at Jerusalem, he was one of the must closed disciple of Jesus Christ, he was one of the three Mark 5:37, Matthew 17:1, 26:37.
When they started preaching Christ after they received the Holy Spirit the church keeps growing day by day Acts 2:4,14,47, and the oppositions also grew Act5:17-18, they were warned not to preach Jesus again Act 4:18...
King Herod wanted to gain favour from the Jews and so he arrested James and killed him, seeing how his wickedness please the Jews, he went ahead to arrest Peter, he wanted to kill him as well Acts 12:1-4.
But before the trial and execution the church did something, that save the live of Peter.
the church was earnestly praying to God for him. Acts 12:5

The night before Herod was to bring him to trial, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries stood guard at the entrance. Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. “Quick, get up!” he said, and the chains fell off Peter’s wrists. Then the angel said to him, “Put on your clothes and sandals.” And Peter did so. “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me,” the angel told him. Peter followed him out of the prison, but he had no idea that what the angel was doing was really happening; he thought he was seeing a vision. They passed the first and second guards and came to the iron gate leading to the city. It opened for them by itself, and they went through it. When they had walked the length of one street, suddenly the angel left him. Then Peter came to himself and said, “Now I know without a doubt that the Lord has sent his angel and rescued me from Herod’s clutches and from everything the Jewish people were hoping would happen.” When this had dawned on him, he went to the house of Mary the mother of John, also called Mark, where many people had gathered and were praying. Acts 12:6-12

*Lesson
The church didn't pray for James when he was arrested and he died, but when they arrested Peter the church realise that if they didn't pray they will loose Peter as well, and so they pray earnestly pray for him, and he didn't died physically the next day.

3. Ahab

was the Son of Omri 1kings 16:29
He did evil in the sight of God 1kings 16:30
He married Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Zidonians, and went and served Baal, and worshipped him 1kings 16:31
Ahab did more to provoke the Lord God of Israel to anger than all the kings of Israel that were before him. 1 kings 16:33.

In 1 kings chapter 21
Some time later there was an incident involving a vineyard belonging to Naboth the Jezreelite. The vineyard was in Jezreel, close to the palace of Ahab king of Samaria. Ahab said to Naboth, “Let me have your vineyard to use for a vegetable garden, since it is close to my palace. In exchange I will give you a better vineyard or, if you prefer, I will pay you whatever it is worth.” But Naboth replied, “The Lord forbid that I should give you the inheritance of my ancestors.” So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, “I will not give you the inheritance of my ancestors.” He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat...._
Jezebel heard that and she calmed her husband down promising that she will help him get the land. _So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, placed his seal on them, and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city with him. In those letters she wrote: “Proclaim a day of fasting and seat Naboth in a prominent place among the people. But seat two scoundrels opposite him and have them bring charges that he has cursed both God and the king. Then take him out and stone him to death.” So the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city did as Jezebel directed in the letters she had written to them._ And so an innocent man died and the king took over his inheritance.
Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite: Go down to meet Ahab king of Israel, who rules in Samaria. He is now in Naboth’s vineyard, where he has gone to take possession of it. Say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’” Ahab said to Elijah, “So you have found me, my enemy!” “I have found you,” he answered, “because you have sold yourself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord. He says, ‘I am going to bring disaster on you. I will wipe out your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel—slave or free. I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat and that of Baasha son of Ahijah, because you have aroused my anger and have caused Israel to sin.’ “And also concerning Jezebel the Lord says: ‘Dogs will devour Jezebel by the wall of Jezreel.’ Dogs will eat those belonging to Ahab who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country.”...

On hearing that Ahab did something which I want us to see
When Ahab heard these words, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and went around meekly.
Ahab humble himself and he fasted for that God said

Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite: Have you noticed how Ahab has humbled himself before me? Because he has humbled himself, I will not bring this disaster in his day, but I will bring it on his house in the days of his son.”

*Lesson
Ahead was an evil man, he deserved to die, but because he *humble himself before God and he fasted* God was pleased and the death sentence was shifted.

You as a Christian if you want to be victorious over Physical death then learn how to be humble, learn how to pray and fast.

2. Hezekiah

_
In those days was Hezekiah sick unto death. And the prophet Isaiah the son of Amoz came to him, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Set thine house in order; for thou shalt die, and not live. Then he turned his face to the wall, and prayed unto the Lord, saying, I beseech thee, O Lord, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore. And it came to pass, afore Isaiah was gone out into the middle court, that the word of the Lord came to him, saying, Turn again, and tell Hezekiah the captain of my people, Thus saith the Lord, the God of David thy father, I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee: on the third day thou shalt go up unto the house of the Lord. And I will add unto thy days fifteen years; and I will deliver thee and this city out of the hand of the king of Assyria; and I will defend this city for mine own sake, and for my servant David's sake. 2 Kings 20:1-6

It's clear Hezekiah was supposed to die physically but he did something that makes him live, and what was that
He talk to God he pray (he cried), and he remained God the good things he did how he walked before Him* but the must important is he humble himself before God

Hezekiah was bold to pray this prayer

Vs 3 I beseech thee, O Lord, remember now how I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight. And Hezekiah wept sore.

You as a Christian my questions for you are:
Are you bold enough to approach God,
Are your deeds okay that you can stand boldly and say to God I have walked before thee in truth and with a perfect heart, and have done that which is good in thy sight.
Are you humble enough to cried before God to plea for your live?��‍♂️ Thank God for Jesus, in Christ we are righteous,

Yesterday I make mention of the power of life and death is in the tongue Prov 18:21, Cry to God and you will live, even if your medical report say you will die, cry and the death will be cancel. Hallelujah

,1 Cain

Cain slew his brother out of jealousy hear what God said to him and his responded

And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand; When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth. And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me. And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden. Gen 4:11-16

Cain understood his punishment, he knew that everyone he meet will kill him with or without reason, willingly or unwillingly... and that will happen because of the cursed that was upon him.

*How does he escaped that
Vs 13-14 And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.

Cain talk with God about his punishment, he plea he admitted that he can't bear the punishment, and because he plea, God said

Vs 15-16 And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him. And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.

Lesson
Cain sin and he deserved to die, but because he plea, because he admitted, God allow him to live even though he was driving from God's presence. The lesson is talk to God, admit, plea for your case and you will live long. Amen

After reading this, I assure you, you will not die unless you choose to

Do you know that a believer can Choose to die and he can choose to cancel death, the power of life and death is in the tongue Prov 18:21, therefore whatsoever you say about yourself has a great impact upon your live. Before I tell you what God revealed to me, let me take you to the scripture so you can see examples of people who cancelled death and those who accepted death.

So these ppl fear tiny virus instead

*HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:*

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him in peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his movements

So what's so hard about that?

*HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:*

It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly
45. go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. not stress her out
48. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

49. give her lots of attention
50. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
51. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

52. Should learn not to ask for change when u give money for shopping. Whatever u give out becomes rightly hers no matter how big the note is.
.........

TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY IS A SERIOUS BUSINESS OO

Send this to everyone on your list. Make a happy home.

Wishing you all a HAPPY FAMILY.

What is *YAWA*?
.
*YAWA* is when u give a beautiful girl a lift and she faints in your car.

You take her to the hospital and when you get there, the Doctor says she's
pregnant and congratulates you that you are going to be father very soon.

You then shout that
you are not the father and the girl says you are the
father.

Things are now getting *YAWAFUL*.
You require a DNA test to prove you are
not the father.

Things are now getting *YAWASTIC* when
the doctor comes with the result saying you can not
be a father because you are infertile.

You are relieved, but on your way home you remember you are married with three kids at home!... Now you are extremely *YAWACIOUS*.
Now, you begin to ask yourself who is the
father of those kids. You get home to find out that the
gateman is their real father. You are now
*YAWADED*..
You decided to travel home to complain to your mother about the latest development.. And your Mum with tears running down her cheeks tells u, my son.. I'm so sorry... Your Dad ain't really your Dad...
Then u know that things are now *YAWASTICATED* .

Wishing you a YAWA FREE DAY

Spiritual problem
is when u walk for 2hours to work just to get there and realize that you forgot the office key at home. So you managed to walk back home leaving your heavy bag at the office doorstep...

On getting home, you realized that your house key is in the bag you left at the Office Doorstep...

You got upset, but had no choice, so you walked back to the office again, picked up your bag angrily, and walked your way back home again..

Upon getting home, you dipped your hand in your bag, only to realize that the office key was in your bag all along...

Now you sit on the floor shouting... "kill me ooohhh village people.

Bravest Man

One day, a king held a party to look for the bravest man who will marry her daughter. He invited all the men in the land and told them that the person to swim across the pool with alligators gets my daughter or a million naira. Suddenly, Akpos was swimming very fast across the pool. He successfully made it through.
KING: Wow! You made it sir, what do you want, 1million or my daughter.
AKPOS: Sir with all due respect I want nothing of yours. All I want to know is the person who pushed me in the pool.
������.

WIFE: Darling why are you home this early wearing such a long face?
HUSBAND: Had a terrible day, I lost all my colleagues today at work
WIFE: Blood of Jesus! What happened?
HUSBAND: There was a fire out break down the tunnel and everybody died!
WIFE: What a pity! Darling I thank God for keeping U alive. How did you make it out my dear?
HUSBAND: Darling, it was God`s work. My stomach was upsetting me so, I took a break to ease myself in the toilet.
WIFE: Darling, thank God you are alive. What would have happened to us? I feel so much pity for their families, how are they going to survive now?
HUSBAND: My dear it’s a pity, but UNITED NATIONS has decided to give the families of the deceased $10 million each.
WIFE: What? !!!! ten million what? Chai!! Honey you didn't do well oo, why are you always absent when God wants to bless us?

Boy dropped girl at home, he put his hand on the wall by the gate for support, leaned towards her. BOY : Can I kiss you? GIRL: Not now, I'm at home. BOY : Pleaseeeeeeeee! GIRL: No. BOY : You were too sweet in bed today. GIRL: Woooow! You too, full of energy. I could not believe we did it four times! BOY : Let me kiss you good night. GIRL: Someone may be watching, they still think I'm a virgin at home. .... This goes on for ten minutes, then the girl's
brother appears at the gate and says "Dad says whether you kiss him or not, it's your decision, but tell that bastard to remove his hand from the intercom button, everyone in the house is listening to your conversation and you are disturbing the prayer session....

bluecircle470:
Well it’s a dry joke...

what of this one
A teacher brought two buckets in a classroom, filled one with BEER and the other filled with WATER...
Then she brought a DONKEY to drink.
Donkey smelled both buckets and decided to drink WATER...
Teacher then asked the students, "What have u learnt from today's lesson?"

The students chorused
"ANYONE WHO DOESN'T DRINK BEER IS A DONKEY"

A Governor wants to paint the Government house.. He calls for quotation..

Chinese guy quoted 3 million.

European guy quoted 7 million..

Nigerian guy quoted 10 million...

The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?"

Chinese guy replied .."1 million for paint, 1 million for labour and 1 million profit.."

The Governor asked european guy.. He replied-".. 3 million for paint 2 million for labour 2 million profit.."

The Governor asked Nigerian guy.. He replied...."4 million for you..."3 million for me.... and we will give "3 million to the chinese guy and ask him to paint..!!"

The Nigerian guy got the contract!
How you see am ?

;Dhahaha

Aremu on his sick bed in the hospital called for his wife and four children.

Aremu: To you my wife (Deroju), take over the Petroleum Company.
Deroju: Started crying loudly.

Aremu: To you my first son (Ola), take over the shopping mall and the gas station.
Ola: Screaming.

Aremu: To you my second son(Ishola), take over the Airport.
Ishola: Crying louder.

Aremu : To you my third son(Dolapo), take over Sheraton Hotel.
Dolapo: Wailing.

Aremu: To you my only daughter(Dammy), the Teaching Hospital is yours.
Dammy : Crying loudest.

The confused nurse in the room with them asked: "I don't understand why you people are crying and screaming in pain, at least your Dad left you a great deal of properties to make you all comfortable till the end of time".

Wife: Properties kor, comfortable ni. He is a Cleaner and those are places he cleans everyday.

A man sits on the balcony having drinks with his wife, and he says, “I love you!”. Out of surprise, the wife asks, “Is that you or the beer talking?”
He replies, “It’s me… and am talking to the beer

A boy was appointed as receptionist in a girls hostel. After 2 months the warden called the boy and said, "Why have you not come for your salary?" Boy: Oh my God! You’re paying salary also

*I asked my friend where I could meet women who scream loudly in bed. And this idiot took me to maternity ward.*

Am still standing there baffled.

A drunkard falls from the 1st floor of a storey building. A nearby crowd rushes to help him: Crowd: What happened?
Drunkard: I don't know ooo. I also just arrived

Osman was in love
with a girl but
never had the
guts to tell her.

One night around 10pm,
he gathered
some courage &
sent her a text
with these
honest words...

"Kadiatu, I love you,
Plz reply & tell me
how you feel."

A few seconds later
he received a
message alert
on his phone.

He was so scared and
too tensed to open
it that night
so he decided not to
check the message
until the next morning
when he's less tense
and in better senses.

So he went to sleep.

When he woke up
the next day
he prayed seriously
about the message
for good news,
went about doing
his morning chores,
brushed his teeth,
ate his breakfast
took a bath,
dressed himself up then climbed into bed
and picked his phone
to read the message
on his phone.
This was the response
he read:

"Dear customer you have
insufficient balance to send this message. Please recharge your account and try again".
*LAMAR*

�����

Human beings fall and rise, Dick fall and rise, currency fall and rise. But when breast fall, ehhhh ... It is finished! ... ���

If all women in the world decided to pause sex until the cure for aids is found, men would find it in 30 days.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit."

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."