My cousin was just telling me that his wife deceived him. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he replied me that before they got married, they had always discuss having 4 children, but now the wife has refused to have any more children. So I called the wife and we were just gisting and then we started talking about the children issue, and she said she really meant it, because she did not realise so many things before having a kid. Meanwhile her first child is only 11months old. These are the reasons she gave for not wanting anymore kids, she said my aunty refused to come help her out when she had a baby that if it was my aunty's daughter, that would she not go and help her out with the baby no matter what? She said that she wants the best for her child e.g. private school etc and that if they have another child, affording a private education is just near to impossible, another reason she gave was that with another child, she won't be able to achieve all the things she wants to achieve, career wise that even right now she feels like her life is on hold, this person I am talking about is just 25 year of age. I have a 10months old baby as well but I still achieve and will keep achieving soo much with my son.

But in your own opinion would you call this deceiving and what advice can I give to my cousin if she never changes her mind?

i did see it as a deceiving and i dnt think she want to rebellion her husband,she's only want her child to have fixed life
before havin another,
there's family that have kid every year without even thinkin their income and how these children are livivg,the innocent child
we sufer from hungry,look sick everytime,end up in jss2,tell ur brother to listen to his wife she is wise than.........
there's no deceiving pls

Did you say the first child is just 11months? Abeg tell your cousin to relax himself...she is just still shell shocked.

It takes awhile for some women to come to terms with the realities of being a honest to goodness mother for the first time. This isn't their sister or friend's kid who they can play with for 10 mins, hand back to the momma and be on their merry way. This is their own child, their responsibility...it ain't going nowhere. Come rain, come sunshine, come whatever....this little itty bitty human being is theirs.

Talking about another child while she's still grappling with that...he should be happy she didn't run outta the house screaming like a banshee.

i feel where she's coming from sha. the economy these days doesn't favour having numerous children. its better to have as few kids as possible if you want the best for them. i don't think she deceived him tho. the human mind is very fickle and can be subject to change at any point in time. what the couple needs to do is to sit down together and talk this through.

Don't be surprised to hear your cousins wife sing another song by next year. She most likely would change her mind very soon all he needs do is keep persuading her.

Like someone's already said, she's still coming to terms if being a mother it's not easy. Tell your cousin to listen to his wife, she's the one having the babies not him, she's one who's gonna have sleepless nights and sacrifice much more not him. Men should learn to let their wives have the number of kids they want.
My dad wanted 5, my mum gave him 4 and locked up. Today with the economy of this country he's grateful for that.

IfeLuvely: My cousin was just telling me that his wife deceived him. I asked him why he would say such a thing and he replied me that before they got married, they had always discuss having 4 children, but now the wife has refused to have any more children. So I called the wife and we were just gisting and then we started talking about the children issue, and she said she really meant it, because she did not realise so many things before having a kid. Meanwhile her first child is only 11months old. These are the reasons she gave for not wanting anymore kids, she said my aunty refused to come help her out when she had a baby that if it was my aunty's daughter, that would she not go and help her out with the baby no matter what? She said that she wants the best for her child e.g. private school etc and that if they have another child, affording a private education is just near to impossible, another reason she gave was that with another child, she won't be able to achieve all the things she wants to achieve, career wise that even right now she feels like her life is on hold, this person I am talking about is just 25 year of age. I have a 10months old baby as well but I still achieve and will keep achieving soo much with my son.

But in your own opinion would you call this deceiving and what advice can I give to my cousin if she never changes her mind?

There's nothing deceitful about what your cousin says / wants.

She's given some very valid reasons on why she doesn't want to have any more kids and I think her husband and others would do well to respect her wishes. This clearly is a woman who wants the very best for her (their) kid and I think it's commendable. There have been too many horror stories of late, about newborns left to die in ditches, dumps, cementaries, and so on.

It is way better to have just 1 child and give it a good quality of life - than to have x, y, or z number of children whose parents barely eke out living and are forced to live from hand-to-mouth on a daily basis.

^Even the lady making yanga doesn't believe all you've typed. Heck! You don't believe it... Her husband should not fret, just give her time and help her be comfortable as a mother. However, I don't buy this "her career" ish. Some women who have achieved excellence in their careers still found time for their family/children. Let no Sheila get high on a few million Naira, make we hear word.

maclatunji: ^Even the lady making yanga doesn't believe all you've typed. Heck! You don't believe it... Her husband should not fret, just give her time and help her be comfortable as a mother. However, I don't buy this "her career" ish. Some women who have achieved excellence in their careers still found time for their family/children. Let no Sheila get high on a few million Naira, make we hear word.

Who says she doesn't believe it? Or that I don't believe what I've typed??

Anyway sha, not surprised you're against women having a career. Left to you, all women would be barefooted, pregnant and chained to the kitchen sink...

Efemena_xy:

Who says she doesn't believe it? Or that I don't believe what I've typed??

Anyway sha, not surprised you're against women having a career. Left to you, all women would be barefooted, pregnant and chained to the kitchen sink...

*Yawns* It is a woman's duty to bear children. Let nobody try to sell us ish in the name of liberalism. Stop being hypocritical- are you suggesting that your children take away from your sense of fulfilment as a woman? By the way desist from inferring that I am against women being active members of society, it doesn't suit you.

Really.

So what suits me then?

Abeg, na you talk say you don't believe in her "career-ish". Your words, not mine. And that to me, implies that you don't really believe in women having a career of their own.

Before you ask if she is being deceitful please answer the following questions:
1. Did she have a traumatic child birth?
2. did she suffer or still suffers postpartum depression?
3. Are they both financially stable or do the suffer for pampers and feeding money but "believe that God will provide" for the mulitiple kids her husband intends they produce?

Most times we stick our noises in the affairs of others without considering what they are going through. People have issues they deal with, marriage is hard enough without some relative second guessing decisions of a couple, this is between her and her husband and he should find out why his wife changed her mind and give her time to reconsider her feelings, also find out why she is changing her tune if she has any of the issues mentioned above instead of going to gossip to his family members.
My Husband wanted 1 child, I wanted 3, but we agreed on 2 and have stopped at that, even though I have 2 boys, i will not do longer throat of looking for a girl, I am thankful for these 2 I have. Training children now is hard, I like being involved in my children's lives, I also have a career and a business to run, School fees are crazy, I intend to adopt later when we are more settled. Not to forget postpartum depression I had with my last baby after a life threatening and traumatic child birth. Immediately after my babys birth my husband took me to get long term birth control, a lot of people were twisting their mouths and saying what they want but they are not the ones who will birth or raise the kids, the kids are our responsibility and people should decide based on available finances and physucal conditions just how many they can care for and not just breed based on ":hope"

Efemena_xy: Really.

So what suits me then?

Abeg, na you talk say you don't believe in her "career-ish". Your words, not mine. And that to me, implies that you don't really believe in women having a career of their own.

Wear your spectacles and read again. Let me help you, I meant it is rubbish that the lady in question wants to claim that having more than one child would limit her career potential. In the same post I said there are several successful women who have built successful careers and definitely have more than one child whilst maintaining a stable marriage. You should have gotten it the first time but the little bias you have at the back of your mind wouldn't let you get it. The tone of my post understands where she's coming from but curbs her by implying that she should not over play her hand by giving silly excuses.

^^ Okay then.

Now what about the bit regarding finance. We are told that this lady in question wants the best possible choices for her child i.e private schooling and so on.

Do you not think that alone is valid reason not to want any more kids? Afterall, she did mention that having another one would put a strain on their resources as they'd have to stretch it even further to cater for the additional child.

I think she's got good family planning awareness. At the end of the day, it's not HOW MANY children you have that counts. It's HOW WELL you as the parent can look after them and give them the best standard of living ever.

A 25-year old mother of one saying she doesn't want another child because she wants to give her child "the best" is like a 7-year old little girl saying: "I don't like boys, I am sure I'll never marry a man when I grow-up". I have this for her .

I really have to sleep now- Good Night!

uj_sizzle: Like someone's already said, she's still coming to terms if being a mother it's not easy. Tell your cousin to listen to his wife, she's the one having the babies not him, she's one who's gonna have sleepless nights and sacrifice much more not him. Men should learn to let their wives have the number of kids they want.
My dad wanted 5, my mum gave him 4 and locked up. Today with the economy of this country he's grateful for that.

SO if the man says he wants 2 and the woman says she wants 5 does that mean she should go ahead and have 5?

A child is a joint thing between couples and no one should have 100% decision in that aspect. If she wants to make 100% decision then she doesnt need get married, Just get pregnant to a random one night stand guy who wouldnt even remember her face.

Though I believe if its related to the health of the mother then the woman should have the final say since its her health that would be most affected.

OP. Nothing your cousin can do other than to wait for her if she wld have a change of heart. But if after years they stil have different opinion then you might want to consider other options like adoption etc. Or simply (like Most ppl on Family section advise,) DIVORCE

Age has got nothing to do with it, Mac. It's having the resources to adequately look after your kids properly that matters.

Haven't there been enough stories here about couples breeding like rabbits, then calling on the state and "well meaning" Nigerians to "help" them out of the mess they created for themselves?

Do you not think it's pure wickedness on the part of the parents to bring more kids into the world, than they can comfortably look after?

Efemena_xy: Age has got nothing to do with it, Mac. It's having the resources to adequately look after your kids properly that matters.

Haven't there been enough stories here about couples breeding like rabbits, then calling on the state and "well meaning" Nigerians to "help" them out of the mess they created for themselves?

Do you not think it's pure wickedness on the part of the parents to bring more kids into the world, than they can comfortably look after?

Exaggeration, so having 3 kids over a 10-12 year period is breeding like rabbits. You make it seem like a couple's financial future is fixed once they have their first child. By the way, I am not necessarily bothered about age, but maturity. In this world, we have 35-year olds acting like 17-year olds and going by this story, this 25-year old is being naive.

^Applause... I can't shout.

maclatunji:

Exaggeration, so having 3 kids over a 10-12 year period is breeding like rabbits. You make it seem like a couple's financial future is fixed once they have their first child. By the way, I am not necessarily bothered about age, but maturity. In this world, we have 35-year olds acting like 17-year olds and going by this story, this 25-year old is being naive.

There is nothing exaggerated about it. It's not for you to dictate how many kids YOU THINK she should have or when she should have them, nor make inferences on their financial situation. All fingers aren't the same. If couple (A)feel they have the means to adequately cater for 3 children, then so be it. Couple (B) on the other hand might find having 5 kids works for them, whilst couple (C) might decide they can only cater for 1 child.

You can't give a number or say having 3 kids is the yard stick every couple should adhere to. What works easily for one might be an unbearable burden on another. Neither you nor I knows what exactly is going on behind closed doors here. Nevertheless, there is a saying: It's only the shoe wearer who knows exactly where the shoe pinches / hurts him or her.

I asked you a question in my previous post about families having more kids than they can cater for, who end up "begging" other people and the state to help them out. Do you not think that is irresponsibility of the highest order? Take for example, the thread about the roadside welder who already had 5 girls, and then his wife gave birth to quadruplets making it 9 kids in total. What was the reaction from majority of the contributors to that thread? Was it not:
~ Ah, the silly woman should have known better than to keep opening her legs for him
~ The woman is purely at fault here. Has she never heard of birth control?
~ Women are enablers of the situation. She only got pregnant (again) because she wanted to. At the end of the day, the man can make a disappearing act (which he did), and the stooopid woman would always be left holding the baby!
~ Illiteracy and poverty go hand-in-hand. Didn't she ever hear about FAMILY PLANNING?

These are just a few of the comments made on that thread. I'm sure you Maclatunji joined the crowd in castigating the woman there too. So why is your stance different here??

dayokanu:

SO if the man says he wants 2 and the woman says she wants 5 does that mean she should go ahead and have 5?

A child is a joint thing between couples and no one should have 100% decision in that aspect. If she wants to make 100% decision then she doesnt need get married, Just get pregnant to a random one night stand guy who wouldnt even remember her face.

Though I believe if its related to the health of the mother then the woman should have the final say since its her health that would be most affected.

OP. Nothing your cousin can do other than to wait for her if she wld have a change of heart. But if after years they stil have different opinion then you might want to consider other options like adoption etc. Or simply (like Most ppl on Family section advise,) DIVORCE

i kinda like a little bias in the family when children are concerned in favour of the woman, but then i doubt any woman in her right mind will want to have multiple children and go through multiple pain of birthing like a chicken if the means to take care of them isn't available.

chaircover: Funny enough most of her reasons dont quite hack it for me . . her career and her aunty not helping her is not a good enough excuse. She can have a career and still have her family. Its called multitasking and if she puts her mind to it and has her husbands support she can combine the two just like many many women are doing today. . . and its not her aunty's responsibility or any one elses for that matter to look after her baby for her and there are millions and millions of women worldwide looking after their own baby. Now if this woman had health problems and her wellbeing was at risk then by all means put your health first.

As far as finances are concerned, we have to be realistic. Yes good education is expensive, but on the other hand a newly married couple is always almost just starting out financially and things will be tight, but as their careers take shape, the money begins to roll in and they have more disposable income. They can space the kids, but to say no more kids just like that after you have both agreed a particular number previously, then yes the hubby has a right to feel hard done by, she would have felt the same if she was married to a man whose religion permits him to marry more than wife but he had told her that he would only marry one wife before they get married but he goes on to marry more.

My gut feeling is that as baby is only 11 months, in the next 2 years or so, the woman will throw away her coil or whatever and open shop again

The most important thing here is that we have a husband who thinks that he has been cheated and its eating him up so bad, he is telling people about it. This is a ticking bomb and the guys wife needs to talk to him. There are so many ways to cajole him without him feeling that he has been cheated. Worst case scenario, he goes about telling enough people who will advise him to go get another woman pregnant and at the end of the day there wont be any winners just loosers all round. Wifey needs to draw her husband to her and in whatever way possible try to get him to freely agree to what she wants or at least meet in the middle somewhere. This is not a by force issue . . . she moved the goal posts so she has to do the groveling.

I'm going to disagree with you on this one CC.

@The bolded, you've got to agree that no one goes into marriage knowing it all. Many men I know of start off by saying they want x, y, z number of kids. But the reality of what it takes to actually look after and provide for a kid let alone several hits them hard later on in the marriage. Here's a real life example:

A couple of years ago, just before my younger sister got married to her fiancee - I did ask them jokingly when they came over to London to visit us for a few week - how many kids they'd like to have. Would you believe it that this guy said 6 or 7??!! My sister at that time didn't find it funny and was like "hmmm oya, you'll borne them yourself..."

Now how many kids have they got? No where near that number and the man agree that his initial 6 or 7 was ridiculous, even though he meant it at that time.

Again, another inlaw of mine told his wife before they got married that they'll have 4/5 kids. Now, the reality of working more than 1 job, having to pay the mortgage, gas, light, phone, TV licence, water, council tax, car insurance, credit cards and a whole host of other bills has made the man put a big FULL STOP to having any more kids. Last I heard, he said 2 kids was more than enough even though his wifey wants just 1 more. Mind you they both work flat out too.

As far as I can see, going by this story, the lady in question made a very important statement: "...because she did not realise so many things before having a kid..." And that IS a reflection of the reality of true life. Just because they agreed on 4 kids initially doesn't mean they MUST have those 4 kids by fire or by force. Whose going to look after them and provide for them adequately? Why should they bite more than they can chew?

Or are you telling me that if I agree with my hubby to have a dozen kids before marriage and then the reality hits me / us that we really can't cater for more than 1 - then I must have those 12 kids...just to ensure that my hubby doesn't feel "cheated", or "hard - done by" or perceive that I've "moved the goal posts"?

They say cut your coat according to your size. This 25 year old is doing just that. Kudos to her for having her head intact.

uj_sizzle:
i kinda like a little bias in the family when children are concerned in favour of the woman, but then i doubt any woman in her right mind will want to have multiple children and go through multiple pain of birthing like a chicken if the means to take care of them isn't available.

Well said.

It's easy for some men to sit down and demand the woman pops out x number of kids for them. Do these same guys even know how to change a soiled nappy? or know what it takes to do "awoko" (night feeds) with a newborn?

Mac's already said in the typical self-centred Naija male fashion - "It's a woman's duty to bear pop out the kids". I haven't heard what the man's role should be in the upbringing of the kids should be, from him.

And if this poor girl decides the only way she can look after them adequately is to be a full-time stay-at-home-mum, these same people would castigate her for not "contributing financially to the upkeep of the home", or state that she's no better than "a piece of furniture" in the home as per she has no financial stake in it.

^Efemena relax. You already said it, it is a couple's decision not the woman's decision alone. Everything is about context- does the wife described in this story seem to you like someone who will have multiple children that she and her husband cannot cater for? You are just arguing for the sake of arguing here... Yes! She might not be ready for a baby right now but 2,3, 5 years from now, what will she be doing? Chasing her career and ignoring her husband's desire to build his family as quickly as is reasonable so that they can focus on other important things other than arguing over the number of children they want?

By the way, I never said 3 kids is the yardstick for everyone but in all honesty there's hardly any man that is married that will tell you that he is happy with only 1 child. Even the single child needs the companionship and friendship that siblings provide throughout life.

You know I know you are intelligent but for the purpose of this thread, CC has said what needs to be said. Stop arguing unnecessarily.

Could it be that the lady is ashamed to admit she can't think of having more kids (at the moment) because she is scared shitless about motherhood and is using the career and financial responsibility as an excuse?

Just thinking out loud.

maclatunji: ^Efemena relax. You already said it, it is a couple's decision not the woman's decision alone. Everything is about context- does the wife described in this story seem to you like someone who will have multiple children that she and her husband cannot cater for? You are just arguing for the sake of arguing here... Yes! She might not be ready for a baby right now but 2,3, 5 years from now, what will she be doing? Chasing her career and ignoring her husband's desire to build his family as quickly as is reasonable so that they can focus on other important things other than arguing over the number of children they want?

By the way, I never said 3 kids is the yardstick for everyone but in all honesty there's hardly any man that is married that will tell you that he is happy with only 1 child. Even the single child needs the companionship and friendship that siblings provide throughout life.

You know I know you are intelligent but for the purpose of this thread, CC has said what needs to be said. Stop arguing unnecessarily.

Well, sorry - I disagree with CC's outlook.

And I'm not having an unnecessary argument here. It's called freedom of expression

This is one of the best threads I've read on NL.

Some real wisdom.

By the way Efe, I agree with you. . .no one can say another person's reason for not wanting to have kids is silly.

We are the only ones who know what we are capable of. That one person can manage 12 kids in a one bedroom apartment does not automatically mean someone living in 50 bedroom mansion can and should have more than 12.

While I think the OP's cousin's wife's issue has more to do with still getting used to the realities of being a first time mom, I don't think the reasons she gave aren't legitimate.

Efemena_xy:

Well, sorry - I disagree with CC's outlook.

And I'm not having an unnecessary argument here. It's called freedom of expression

Oya! Dey express yourself dey go... don't stop O.

Myne White: This is one of the best threads I've read on NL.

Some real wisdom.

LOL.