http://topeolowu.com/2012/11/09/friend-zones-and-other-stories/

“Friend Zone” is as old as prostitution itself. It has been around for as long as anyone can remember and it is in many ways, a dream killer.

What’s a friendzone? It is that position you attain after you fail to impress a woman you’re attracted to. Usually initiated by the woman saying, “You’re such a good friend”. Usually associated with long days of suffering and watching your love interest hop from one bad relationship to another.

Being stuck in a friendship and wanting more can be a frustrating position. Sometimes this frustration is sexually-motivated, with one friend desiring a physical relationship with the other, in any case, wanting more than you are currently getting is a heart-wrenching situation. The “friend zone” is not an easy place to live!!

No matter how smart of a player the dude is, he has been through the “Friend Zone”. Studies have shown that only 30% of every 100 in a friend zone actually end up becoming the real thing. So it like a game of life. Try to impress too much and you become a “maga”, try to be stingy and you may never get there. It involves wits, guts and street instincts to maneuver this ladies who enjoy having the brothers see but don’t touch.

Below are the differentt levels of the “Friend Zone” and their characteristics in no particular order.

Zone: Buy me sharwama zone

Hope level: 25% (maga zone)

Name on Her Phonebook: Segun Shawarma

Place of Reward: Heaven is your home

Characteristics: A believer. Got money but little brain. Spender per excellence. A lady’s delight anyday

Zone: Unhook My Bra Zone

Hope level: Could be 0% or 99.9% depending on how street smart the brother is.

Name on Her Phonebook: Segun

Place of reward: On her bed doing the real thing or on your bed wanking to memories.

Characteristics: any dude at this stage is considered to be gay by a sister. Smart enough, he could change her mind by giving her some surprise action. Operative word being “smart” though.

Zone: Help me pick beans Zone

Hope Level: 0% ( never gonna happen)

Name On Her Phonebook: none. (you are an idiot and you don’t deserve a place in her life)

Place Of Reward: Fools paradise

Characteristics: a broke ass brother who hopes that by helping out with housework, he can land the sister. Except the lady is an OSU chic, he can never be successful.

Zone: Help me paint my fingers zone

Hope Level: none ( your are like your cousin in the help me pick beans zone)

Name on phonebook: Segun P&M (pedicure and manicure)

Place of Reward: fools paradise.

Characteristics: Dude with low self esteem. Lady sees it too and takes advantage of it.

Zone: Loose my haır zone

Hope Level: -5%

Name On Phonebook: Segun hairdresser

Place of Reward: Hell

Characteristics: has both characteristics of both the dude in the pick my beans zone and the ewedu zone.

Zone: Brother-in-christ zone

Hope Level: 1% when she’s young. 99% when she’s spent.

Name on Phonebook: Brother Segun

Reward: Heaven is your home bro

Characteristics: holy, long suffering and patient dude. His patience usually pays off…… When our lady is old, spent and almost the oldest spinster in her neighborhood.

Zone: Sign Attendance For Me Zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: Segun Class.

Reward: Nowhere.

Characteristics: a dude who is the dictionary’s pictorial definition of being Used and dumped.

Zone: Comforter zone

Hope Level: 10% ( you get to hold her when her BF kicks her ass and she cries into you new shirt)

Name On Phonebook: Segun Best Friend

Place of Reward: Heaven or hospital bed (Jealous boyfriend could beat you ass to near-death)

Characteristics: Mr Nice man trying to impress. Will always be mr nice man

Zone: walk me home in d midnight zone!

Hope level: 1% to 99% depends if you are street smart.

Name on Phonebook: none (depends on how each midnight walk ends)

Place Of Reward: heaven, kidnappers den, jail (for wandering) hospital (hit and run things)

Characteristics: Long suffering individual. Prepared to risk his life to show her love. He will get his heart desire or die trying.

Zone: Make her laugh zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on Phonebook: Idiot (if she has more dan one person in this zone then you have to pick a number depending on how hard she laughs when u display your stupidity)

Reward: Hell

Characteristics: a struggling upcoming comedian. Dude is only remembered when the lady’s mood is down. He is forgotten when he has served his purpose.

Zone: Best cook in the world zone

Hope level: 50% (depending on how big of a glutton she is)

Name on Phonebook: Segun “Fried rice” (depending on the name of the delicacy that had her hooked to you in the first place)

Place of Reward: heaven or on her bed.

Characteristics: he is a very good cook. If he is smart enough, his dishes will get him his lady. He must also be prepared to do the cooking for as long as possible too else……….

Zone: My Bis will soon expire” Zone”

Hope Level: 1%

Name on phonebook: Segun BIS

Place of Reward: hell

Characteristics: dude is a believer. He believes as long as he keeps renewing her Bis, she will one day be his. When her BIS is almost expired, she uses his picture as DP and send virtual kisses and all. As soon as BIS is renewed, DP is removed till the end of next month.

Zone: Make my boyfriend jealous zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: Segun Assistant

Reward: Heaven

Characteristics: un-sharp dude. When the lady’s boyfriend is acting up and he needs to be put in place, this dude comes into use. As soon as the boyfriend comes begging, he is hung to dry.

Zone: Drivers zone

Hope Level: 30%

Name on Phonebook: Segun Car (wey her papa no buy)

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: Dude believes in his mind that he is the boyfriend. But seriously he isn’t. Lady needs to be mobile and bike accidents isn’t good for our fine sister’s skin so there comes his usefulness.

Zone: Relationship expert zone

Hope Level: 0%

Name on phonebook: my friend

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: has read a lot of relationship books and know all of Oprah winfrey quotes. Most of his advice to the lady works for a relationship and he is alone forever and ever.

Zone: Friends with benefits zone

Hope Level: 100% (BOSS)

Name on phonebook: Oluwasegunfunmi

Place of Reward: Heaven!!!

Characteristics: Boss of the friend zone. Dude with 100% street smartness. Able to harness the potentials of the friendzone to his advantage and has sex with the lady under the disguise of “being friends”

Zone: Fashion Buddy (Aka Gay Zone)

Hope Level: 0%

Name on Phonebook: Segun BFF

Place of Reward: Hell

Characteristics: has a great fashion sense and hopes to use this to his advantage. Fails because lady wants someone with a good eye on fashion as a buddy instead. He can see but can’t touch

Zone: Help me do the Ewedu zone

Hope Level: -10%

Name on Phonebook: none

Place of Reward: in her kitchen, with one plate of amala and ewedu soup with or without meat.

Characteristics: Hungry dude with a lot of free time on his hands. Hopes he can help the lady with ewedu to get closer. Fails everytime and even owes hope some marks.

Zone: Uncle zone

Hope level: 25%

Name on phonebook: Uncle Segun

Place of reward: heaven

Characteristics: believer. Hopes he can one day turn the respect the lady has for him into something more progressive. Fails more than half the time..

Zone: Send me call credit zone

Hope level: 1%

Name on phonebook: Maga 11

Place of Reward: heaven.

Charateristics: Believer. Dude believes the more credit he sends, the better his chances of getting the real thing. Lady knows this too so she skim everything she can off him

Zone: Silverbird/Oniru/Elegushi Zone

Hope Level: 70% (if you are street smart)

Name on Phonebook: My Boo

Place of reward: Anywhere.

Characteristics: Hustler with hope. Got swags but no brain and most often, they are mostly comfortable with this zone.

Yeah…. A lot of guys reading this may have found themselves in more than one of this zones. Some are seriously in denial but to them that will admit, don’t worry, be happy. Even PDP zoned us too

Special Shout Out to the ladies who have at least one guy in every of the zones stated above. Ye are the true daughters of Eve.

Special Shout Out to the brothers still trapped in the Friends Zone. I feel your pain brothers.

Follow the writer on twitter @Dolusegun