Saw this and decided to post it here, which in all ramification is the right section.

Enjoy!!!

You know the value of books. The process of making them intrigues you. You want your name on the front cover of a book and, like an earthworm inches through dirt into the ground, you want to make your way into people’s homes, heads and hearts. I am here to help you achieve that.

First, you must look the part. It is important to look like an African writer. Find multi-coloured kampala fabric and use it to sew shirts which you’ll wear to all writers’ events. Or an old t-shirt. You shouldn’t look like a model or banker. Your precious time is spent thinking of plot and theme and words, not on dress and grooming. Your hair needs to be unkempt. However, nothing says authentic-tortured-African-writer like dreadlocks. Please, note that in Nigeria there is a difference between dreadlocks and ‘dada’. Dada is less refined, naturally matted coils of hair due to superstitious neglect. Dada is uncool. Dreadlocks are deliberate. They are cool. They make you look wildly creative. If someone asks; no, you are not a Rastafarian. You are an African writer.

As a writer, you must flaunt your vices. You need to show that you are a flawed character. If you drink, drink too much. If you smoke, do it at inappropriate times. Show up at an event reeking of booze. People will understand. Vices are a tool of the trade.

Now, you have the basic tools: a multi-coloured kampala shirt, cool dreadlocks, and vices. You must set about the business of writing.

You do not need to read a lot to be a Nigerian writer. In fact, as a Nigerian writer you can make shameless statements like “I don’t really read much”, in public. All you need is a burning desire to write. It is sufficient to have read Shakespeare and Achebe, and maybe a little of Chimamanda Adichie for contemporary reading. The only thing you need to really study is a dictionary or thesaurus.

Please, note that all Nigerian characters are Africans who act the same: children are respectful of elders; parents are always responsible, wise individuals teaching children valuable lessons of life. Characters do not use cuss words or talk about sex, even when in the company of peers. Nobody’s mother smokes and we have no homosexuals in Nigeria.

Use big words instead of small words; ‘Discombobulate’ instead of ‘confuse’. How can you write like a layman when you are an African writer? It doesn’t matter how many people read or understand you. What matters is that you impress those who do.

Use many words. It is always better to err on the side of verbosity than to err on the side of brevity.

Protect your work fiercely and always insist that people give you constructive criticism. Anyone who points out, rightly or otherwise, that your writing isn’t quite there yet, is evil and an enemy of your hustle. You must believe that there is nothing like bad writing. After all, you were inspired by the spirits before you began writing – what do critics know?

Do not waste your time or money on editors. Editors are failed writers whose life ambition is to frustrate the hustle of real writers like you. Show your friends your work. But only the ones who are not jealous of your hustle, and who remind you that your writing is the best thing since point-and-kill. Find some popular person from your village who will write you a foreword without actually reading your book. Then, go to press.

A book is not complete without a book launch. In Nigeria, a book launch is a fund-raising ceremony. It is not important to have writers at this event. Well, maybe the book reviewer. You need your state governor (who may not come but will send a representative with a cheque or a pledge); your Local Government chairman; your Pastor or Imam to bless the event; and any minister, senator or rich person that you know. It is important to find a Chief Launcher who will encourage others to donate to your hustle. Do not leave it to chance or the discretion of the Chief Launcher, unless you are sure of his capabilities. In Nigeria, nobody is allowed to embarrass the Chief Launcher by giving more money. So, if you can, gently hint that you know he will set the bar high for others to follow. That is the job of the Chief Launcher – setting the bar as high as possible.

You do not need a marketer, publicist or publisher. These people eat into your profit margin. If you have a car, carry a few hundred copies in the trunk at all times. Be your own marketer. Steer conversation toward your book and tell them you have written this really cool book. Someone will ask for it and you will tell them to hold on for a minute while you get it from your car. If you don’t have a car, have a big bag that can carry at least 10 copies. Do not be ashamed to carry your books to public gatherings. Book by book, God blessing your hustle, you may end up selling off the 1,000 copies your printer produced, and maybe even go for a reprint.

Get an award. It doesn’t matter what. It may be from your church bulletin which you have been writing for since you were in secondary school or your old boy’s association newsletter. You can even have friends get together to organise and award you the ‘Roforofo Prize for African Fiction’. Then, you can have on your book, ‘Award Winning Author’. No need to state what award it is. An award-winning writer is a good writer.

It is my hope that you make it as a writer and have many successful books in the market. And with well organised book launchings, you can be sure that God will bless your hustle.

http://dailytimes.com.ng/opinion/how-be-nigerian-writer

Lolzzzz....this height of irony is really rib-cracking...

my goodness, this is hilarious! LWKMDFH!!!!!!

Rather hilarious piece. Sarcasm at it its best. I hope all those Bob Marley wannabes read this. I have come across a few that fall into various categories mentioned here, especially the 'dada' and kampala categories. These dada sporting, kampala wearing folks annoy the hell out of me. Their excuse for looking dishevelled and unclean is their claims to being privy to some great miracle that happened before their births or assertions being 'wild and creative spirits'.

Bullshiit.

Eccentricity and creativity doesn't equal insanity. You don't have to look like a homeless vagabond before people recognise you as an artist.

Even here on NL, I have seen many that will label one bad belle if you make the mistake of critiquing their work. Every one says your work is a 'masterpiece',so if there happens to be one ruffian somewhere who dares hold a contrary view, well then, that person must be an enemy of your hustle. Lol.

@post, very nice.

Moderators... This is due for the front page please

Foxy_Rebirth: Moderators... This is due for the front page please

No,"Picture of Davido eating Akpu" is already on the front page. Stories such as those are more worthy of the front page than this intelligent and funny piece.

ƪoƪ! Totally reminds me of a published writer-friend of mine..

To be a writer need that you become a reader first, because what you don't have you cant give out, invest in yourself first, then invest in other
Before i forget. I came across a site http://nigeriainfomarketing..com/, They sell ebook on various range of topic for just 100 naira only, i heard that the price will go up after christmas

This article has been published in a newspaper months before now. I wonder if the author is the poster

afroxyz: This article has been published in a newspaper months before now. I wonder if the author is the poster

The poster never said that

anybody that must emerge a great writer must be a READER. GET YOUR FREE E BOOKS @ focfunds..com

Wow! This is fascinating, I'm actually laughing out loud...weldone, poster.
But no! I refuse to follow these steps! Gone are those days of the eccentric Poe or Poirot. Writers of today look good enough to eat. LOL!
Bless you.

Larry-Sun:
Wow! This is fascinating, I'm actually laughing out loud...weldone, poster.
But no! I refuse to follow these steps! Gone are those days of the eccentric Poe or Poirot. Writers of today look good enough to eat. LOL!
Bless you.

Hey... Everything you are reading is konk IRONY.... Look at it that way but don't piss on yourself

Foxy_Rebirth:

Hey... Everything you are reading is konk IRONY.... Look at it that way but don't piss on yourself

I know, my reply may be ironic too, you know? Don't worry, I shan't piss on me...
Bless you.

yuzedo: ƪoƪ! Totally reminds me of a published writer-friend of mine..

Totally reminds me of a writer friend of mine too.

breathing:

Totally reminds me of a writer friend of mine too.

ƪoƪ! Funny we're on this thread from the "previous" one.. My guess I'm sure is as good as yours that we refer to the same person.

You want to send me an e-mail? Add @yahoo.com to my NL id.. I'd be glad to correspond with you

yuzedo:
ƪoƪ! Funny we're on this thread from the "previous" one.. My guess I'm sure is as good as yours that we refer to the same person.

You want to send me an e-mail? Add @yahoo.com to my NL id.. I'd be glad to correspond with you

Ehhhhm, ok, lemme do small shakara first, then I'd mail you later in the day

breathing:

Ehhhhm, ok, lemme do small shakara first, then I'd mail you later in the day

Ugh! Women..... We give up!!!
Please mail me now joor.. I'm ho.rny bored...

yuzedo:

Ugh! Women..... We give up!!!
Please mail me now joor.. I'm ho.rny bored...

Hehehe, ho.rny fellow, ok let me fast forward my shakara.

breathing:

Hehehe, ho.rny fellow, ok let me fast forward my shakara.

Owk... You guys should take your horniness to somewhere that is calm and cousy.... You all know the drill, use CONDOM

breathing:

And that my brother is the FACT