Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!


A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda.
As he relaxed, he watched a couple ofmen working along the roadside. Oneman would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.
The men worked right past the man and continued on down the road.
Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed in their direction. "Hey there," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"We work for the county government," one of them said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. What's up with that?" the man asked.
"Well," the worker replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back, but Rodney's out sick."
"So what does the work you're doing accomplish?" asked the man, not quite believing what he was seeing.
"Well," Mike said. "Just because Rodney's out sick, that don't mean we can't work, right?"

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "with whom?"
"With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently,"don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!".

Little Johnny was with his mom as she was driving her old beat up car on the Highway. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to seeshe is doing 15 miles over the speed limit.
Slowing down she moved over to theside to let the group of cars get ahead. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.
As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"
Little Johnny peeped up from the back seat, "I do! It's because you couldn't catch the other cars."

One day a nursery school teacher saysto the class, "Who can use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?
A little girl jumps up and says...
"The sky is definitely blue!"
The teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can also be gray, or orange..."
A little boy quickly says...
"Trees are definitely green!"
Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the trees change colour..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says,"Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!"

One day a nursery school teacher saysto the class, "Who can use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?

A little girl jumps up and says...

"The sky is definitely blue!"

The teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can also be gray, or orange..."

A little boy quickly says...

"Trees are definitely green!"

Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the trees change colour..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says,"Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"Then I have DEFINITELY sh1t my pants!"

Little Johnny and his father were driving one afternoon, when his father accidentally honked the car horn by mistake. Little Johnny lookedat his dad, hoping to get an explanation.
His dad said, "I did that by accident."
Little Johnny replied, "I know you did,Dad."
He replied, "Yeah, how'd you know?"
"Because you didn't say 'ASSHO1E!'

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I toldyou how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asksyou if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later,Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face.

.

Little Johnny was walking down the beach when he spied a matronly woman sitting on the sand under a beach umbrella. He walked up to her and asked,
"Are you a Christian?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Do you read your Bible every day?"
She nodded her head, "Yes."
"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she answered, "Yes." With that, he asked his final question,
"Will you hold my quarter(1/4 of a Dollar) while I go swimming?"

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact because your lipstick is hanging out!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their
parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The
next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on
the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and
all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are
farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live
chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Lucy," said the teacher.

Oh no, here's little Johnny with his hand up.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had
was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank
the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed
seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the
blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare
hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral
did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Don't f..ck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

Johnny: Dad, what is a weapon?
Father: Well, Son, that's something you fight with.
Johnny: Is Mom your weapon?

some are funny while some are not
remark: more grease to ur elbow

Ruqaya: some are funny while some are not
remark: more grease to ur elbow

thanks ma'am

Cool jokes. You made my day. I have been bored all day

Very nice knc

clino: Cool jokes. You made my day. I have been bored all day

you too much sister

clino: Cool jokes. You made my day. I have been bored all day

thanks for dropping by

Funny jokes bt I liked d one of aunt karen most.
Gr8 job.

OMITAF: Funny jokes bt I liked d one of aunt karen most.
Gr8 job.

thanks bro

OMITAF: Funny jokes bt I liked d one of aunt karen most.
Gr8 job.

yea me too, great job

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm andtalked with the old farmer;
"I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said: "OK, but you better not go in that field."
In a wise-arse tone the Ag. Representative said, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card..?"
He stuck a plastic-coated card in the farmer's face.
"This card says I can go wherever I want to on agricultural land."
The old farmer shrugged and went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture rep running for the fence.
Close behind was the farmer's prize bull, Geronimo.
Geronimo was madder than a nest full of hornets and he was gaining onthe Ag Rep with every angry snort.
The farmer shouted, "Show him your card !"

nice 1

I can't just stop laughing

cool joke! Can't help but laugh