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How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by akumarism(m): 8:16pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
I 'm a Yoruba man married to an ebira lady, our marriage has being blessed with a kid. In recent times, I discovered that she prefers communicating on phone with her family member in her local language when these people can speak and understand yoruba and english language well and knownfully well that I don't understand ebira. Each time this happens, I always feel insecured and I've sat her down and discuss this with her on several occassions but she refuse to change. Firstly,I want to know, is this feeling of mine normal and if not, kindly advise on next line of action. Thank you. 2 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by dayokanu(m): 8:18pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
When you call your own family what Language do you speak French? 16 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 8:24pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
learn the language,2hrs every day.some Nigerians are married to even Chinese and they go on well 1 Like |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 8:26pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
akumarism: No, not at all normal. It's quite ridiculous actually. and if not, kindly advise on next line of action. 1. Nothing. As in, do nothing, say nothing. There's absolutely no problem here except the one you are deliberately manufacturing. 2. Go learn ebira. 7 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by slimyem: 8:42pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
Why would you want her to change? You mean you want her to stop communicating with her people in her language? What are you insecure about? 1 Like |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by greatgod2012(f): 8:50pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
Ileobatojo have answered your question. You dont need to feel bad at all when she is communicating with her pple in their language,except you did something bad that is making you think she is reporting you to her pple OR you dont trust her and her pple, as regards, may be, they can harm you. If these two reasons are exempted, then, remain cool, calm and collected, no qualms, she is just proving to her pple that she has not forgotten their language. Cheers! 2 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 9:22pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
If this happens only over the phone why does it bother you? Maybe her parents prefer speaking in Igbira,why should she not talk to them in her language? Moreover are you supposed to be listening to someone's phone conversation let alone complain about what language they spoke? This is one of the disadvantages of inter tribal marriage,didn't you go into it prepared? Or you want to mandate her to only speak in English or Yoruba and abandon her native language because she married you Stop sounding insecure. 5 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 9:54pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
IMO it's rude really...... can't she speak Yoruba when her hubby is around? Ofcourse he's gonna be insecure that moment , it's normal and it's not a shameful feeling ......this is a marriage..... It's not all about her anymore, she has to take somebody else's feelings into consideration too. OP express your feelings and see if she's willing to make a change...... I'm for learning igbira too but she has to work with you on this.... It's partnership , not a solo project anymore. 20 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:06pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
I see you don't trust your wife enough. 3 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:17pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
You can overcome it by minding your own business. She is not speaking to you, why do you want to understand her? You should be bothered about the language you communicate with your kids and not the language your wife communicate with her folks. Let her be, pls 2 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 11:25pm On Jan 05, 2013 |
Wow Vikin, you surprise me o! He should mind his business but its okay for women to snoop on their hubby's phone ? Jeez |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 12:29am On Jan 06, 2013 |
jidegirl12: IMO it's rude really...... can't she speak Yoruba when her hubby is around? In a phone conversation with her own parents? 3 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 12:46am On Jan 06, 2013 |
babyosisi: **waves** long time babyosisi ! Happy new year! Yes ma'am provided her hubby is there ...... It's rude IMO .... another reason why local dialects are banned in workplaces here, go elsewhere to take/make your calls..... it's just damn rude. But it's nobody's call to tell OP it's not his business.... It's his home. I have Yoruba/Igbo couple friends and even on the phone convo with bro we speak English .... if I see him elsewhere alone then we can go crazy with Yoruba Yoruba no problem..... the first and last day I tried it.... I felt soo mean and self centred when we were lost in our dialect in his wife's presence.... but we learn everyday . 5 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 1:23am On Jan 06, 2013 |
jidegirl12: Been back a little while Aka baby mama She is speaking with her parents though not chit chatting with friends I don't think the husband should read any meanings to it |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 1:56am On Jan 06, 2013 |
babyosisi: What!! you are a character ! I need those soup recipes you posted on food section Abeg want to do something different. Topic; it's easy to presume the situation that way....... we all react to things differently ........ he's not happy with it..... they should meet in the middle and work it out rather than brush him off like a nag.... doesn't work that way.... |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 2:07am On Jan 06, 2013 |
jidegirl12: Hehehe Baby mama is the alter ego Now what was your old name |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 2:41am On Jan 06, 2013 |
babyosisi: Me? I only use this handle for all posts .... Ehem, Well I have another one but its strictly for Auto section only..... You know jaman jaman runs ....wetin God pikin wan lie do? Leave story Abeg .... the recipe ? I don ask like 4 times already |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 2:43am On Jan 06, 2013 |
jidegirl12: OK I was just wondering how you knew my handle. It had not been active since 2008 or so |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 3:16am On Jan 06, 2013 |
babyosisi: I read your posts recently here ... How I for know you then? 2008 gini? |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by greatgod2012(f): 3:49am On Jan 06, 2013 |
@ jidegirl....... I disagree totally with you on this, its a phone conversation with her peeps for goodness sake, she has to prove to them that, she has not forgotten their language. If d couple are really in love with each other, she will definately tell her hubby what she was discussing with her pple, if its what she can tell him, no need for insecurity. Marriage should not rob one of his/her identity. I, for example, anytime my mum or any of my siblings is around, its my dialect i speak with them, and he never felt bad about it, even though, me and hubby are from d same tribe, but he doesnt understand d language......jokingly he ask me or even my mum, what we are discussing and we tell him, there shouldnt be need to feel insecure if true love and trust is intact in their relationship. May God help us all. 3 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 4:35am On Jan 06, 2013 |
I totally understand you o my sister..,,, but your own hubby never felt bad bout it ...but OP does , we are different and can't judge every situation the same, and even tho your hubby still used style to ask you wetin una dey talk after .... what does that tell you? I won't answer that Marriage is togetherness even tho myself I feel chocked up sometimes ...... he deserves to know what's going on in every aspect of my life....and my family understand this too Now don't get me wrong ....nobody's robbing her of her culture..... keeping OP in the loop is not asking for too much is it? It's part of being in love .... And if she told the OP their discussion I don't think he'd be here whining bout it ..... Or Mr. OP did she? |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 9:04am On Jan 06, 2013 |
It's rude to speak in a language your spouse can't understand, more so when the wife and her family have a common language with her husband - English and Yoruba. It's just as rude as whispering in the company of others. If she chooses to communicate with her family in Ebira, knowing fully well her husband doesn't understand, she's sidelining him, cutting him out. The whole idea of marriage is INTEGRATION. Not SEPARATION. And right now, she's doing her hardest to alienate her man. Vikin: You can overcome it by minding your own business. Are you kidding me? When you speak within earshot of another, and the person can hear one side of the conversation, it becomes his / her business! If you wish to have a private conversation, then you simply excuse yourself, and go to another room. It's bad manners to speak in a language alien to present company, or whisper. My wife grew up in Lagos, so speaks Yoruba fluently. But she would NOT disrespect me by conversing in Yoruba with anyone in my presence, that's out of order. I have never told her not to do so, I've never had to, because she knows it's not right. This is one of the reasons at work, you speak in a common language amongst your colleagues - in this case, English. 13 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by MissIfe(f): 9:30am On Jan 06, 2013 |
@op : That's a "rule" you have to discuss and decide with your wife. IMO, there's nothing rude about it, especially if it only concerns her conversations with her own family. Hubby and I have english in common, but we both speak our own language with our family AND friends, whether on the phone or in their presence. At the beginning we didn't understand each other language at all, with time we can now tell more or less what the topic discussed is. We are both very comfortable with it, we naturally translate from time to time for each other, or we directly ask what we are/were talking about. For example, despite the fact he can now understand my language pretty well, hubby still asks me why i mention his name in my phone conversations with family/friends : I just tell him what we said (usually people ask of him), and topic closed. Same thing when I hear a repeated "iyao mi" in his conversation with others... or on the contrary when I don't hear it (how come he's not mentioning ME )... no big deal, really. English, to us is just a tool but none of us is comfortable enough to enforce it as a law in our home. |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 9:33am On Jan 06, 2013 |
2 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 9:51am On Jan 06, 2013 |
Siena: It's rude to speak in a language your spouse can't understand, more so when the wife and her family have a common language with her husband - English and Yoruba. It's just as rude as whispering in the company of others. She is speaking to her folks and not her friends. This is the language she grew up with. I am in the same situation, hubby speaks french and English, I speak English and basic french....now, his family speaks just french and my family speaks English and Igbo. When I communicate with my family on phone as long as we are not talking about him, I speak Igbo. That is the language we speak at home, it doesn't mean we can't use English, but he understands that I have a local dialect. Back to him, when he speaks with the family, he speaks french and so fluent that I don't even understand a word he says. Am I angry? No! Do I want to change it, no! The only thing am working on is learning the language better not only because I want to understand them when they speak fluently and crack jokes without having to explain to me with slow and steady manner( when everybody had finished laughing at joke) but also( more importantly) because of our future kids. If he trust his wife, he should let her comfortable when chatting with her parents. As for excusing herself, that I will even find annoying, 5 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:12am On Jan 06, 2013 |
Vikin, my partner in Feline dislike! It is rude to converse in a language not common to present company - that's a fact! The OP, his wife and her family have two common languages - English and Yoruba. Ebira is common to his wife and her family - but not him. You and your husband are happy to converse in different languages, that's fine. The OP is clearly NOT happy with the situation he finds himself in, and little wonder! His wife's first allegiance is to her husband, her family second. The same goes for her husband, his wife comes first. It's not about him not trusting her, that's absurd. It's about social etiquette. She should feel comfortable in any language commone to all parties - English and Yoruba. If she's not comfortable speaking English, then all her years of education have been a waste. Would she answer her parents at work on the phone, in Ebira? If that's the case, she's going to be in for a rough time if she works abroad! If her family feel her marriage is important, they WILL understand if she speaks to them in English or Yoruba. If they insist in speaking in Ebira with her, knowing full well they're inardvently (or intentionally) alienating her husband, then this marriage will become wobbly. In a marriage, respect is mutual, or it should be. One thing that's pretty common in Nigeria is selective social etituette. Leaving your spouse, or even a friend out of a conversation is wrong, end of. 3 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:19am On Jan 06, 2013 |
Vikin: Exactly Vikin. I don't understand why my husband should need to understand everything I'm saying if within earshot. On the phone for that matter when he's not part of the conversation? She has been speaking this language with these family members for decades, the fact that they understand English and Yoruba doesn't mean it's the natural or most comfortable mode of conversation for them. There's nothing disrespectful about speaking to your family the same way you have done for over 20 something years whether within husband/wife's earshot or not. If she can't freely have conversations with her family in her own home, where can she? As for leaving to go have the convo, that's quite ridiculous. So, she's cooking and her mother calls she has to take the phone and speed off into another room to go and talk? In her own house? So because I'm married, I have to tell all my parents, uncles, aunts, cousins, family friends, extended family members that call me to only speak English? Rubbish! 5 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:33am On Jan 06, 2013 |
ileobatojo: She has been speaking this language with these family members for decades, the fact that they understand English and Yoruba doesn't mean it's the natural or most comfortable mode of conversation for them. There's nothing disrespectful about speaking to your family the same way you have done for over 20 something years whether within husband/wife's earshot or not. If she can't freely have conversations with her family in her own home, where can she? As for leaving to go have the convo, that's quite ridiculous. So, she's cooking and her mother calls she has to take the phone and speed off into another room to go and talk? In her own house? No disrespect - why wouldn't English be a natural mode of conversation?? I don't get this - regardless of what our local languages may be, English is taught in all Nigerian schools, ahead of local dialects. When you say "her family," doesn't that include her husband? Who comes first? When a man and woman marry, their respective partners become their immediate families. No, she doesn't have to tell her family and friends to only speak English or Yoruba. It would be obvious if she responds to a phone call in English or Yoruba, that present company can only understand these languages, and they'll flow with it. That's how it goes. And if you dismiss your husband's opinion as rubbish, it's going to be a rocky ride. You're telling him it's non-negotiable. And if you told him to his face his opinion doesn't count, and is rubbish, you couldn't disrespect him more, and you're inardvently giving your family and friends license to do the same. Let's say the OP's wife works in a US Corporate setting, in a shared office, and her parents call (yes, private calls aren't encouraged at work, but they do happen). Whould she respond in Ebira, and carry on a conversation that's alien to her colleagues, or excuse herself, and take her call out of earshot? If yes, why can't the same courtesy be extended to her husband, or does he matter less? 2 Likes |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:38am On Jan 06, 2013 |
@Siena, am beginning to like the cats oh! What choice do I have? But sometimes I still wipe them ( just a little) when no one is watching . I understand what you mean, but I think they should sit themselves down and talk about it, he is not happy, she is comfortable speaking her language etc. This is not about education learning the EnGlish language and Courtesy, I feel so odd speaking English to my folks when he is around and Igbo when he is not around. To me, am not being real... If I am in office environment, then I can practice this courtesy you are talking about. Not when am at home, my relaxation venue, calling up my sister to hammer my Igbo language then he comes with courtesy. Am sorry to say, am not used to such courtesy. Sometimes when I laugh too much, he ask me what we are talking...I tell him immediately right there then continue where I stopped. Marriage is not one sided, they should however reach an agreement. |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:47am On Jan 06, 2013 |
@ileobatojo, the way Mr Siena take this English language and Courtesy ehn, I wonder... For me, my local language still exist oh...if I don't keep practicing the language, I could very well forget about it, and I don't want that. Am not English, I come from tribe. The OPs wife is not Yoruba, she comes from a tribe, she has to associate herself with her tribe and language least she forgets where she comes from. If hubby no like am make I'm go learn egbiri 1 Like |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:55am On Jan 06, 2013 |
Vikin, there's little chance of forgetting how to speak your language, it's not like you won't ever speak it. 1 Like |
Re: How Can One Overcome Language Barrier In Marriage? by Nobody: 10:56am On Jan 06, 2013 |
Siena: My entire family speaks very good English including my >80yr old grandmother who's English is superb. Our natural/default/go to mode of conversation except between us siblings is Yoruba. It would be incredibly awkward to try to conduct a whole phone conversation in English, quite uncomfortable to be honest. Now if we are all physically together with my husband, English it would be because he is part of that discussion but between just 2 people on the phone? No! Siena: I see no reason why this involves him to the point that I even need to rank who comes first. Siena: I'm sorry, but if my husband is trying to impose an inconvenience without a logical explanation, he will face a lot of resistance. Siena: When I receive family calls at work, I respond in Yoruba to the people I always respond in Yoruba to even if I have to whisper, if I can't talk for long, I have them call back. |
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