Happy sunday peeps.This is an issue brought to me a by a friend of mine.I will add the advise i gave her but thought to share and get other opinions anonymously cos this person asked me in confidence(i dont know about others but am really uncomfortable about givin marital advice,who i be or wetin i know but for some odd reason peeps keep asking me for advice )

Anyway my friend lives here in the uk with her hubby and two kids.Can i even say she is my friend?I got introduced to her like 5 yrs ago as she made someone's hair that i liked and she has made my hair since then.She is a very very nice person and i can see that she really likes me so i guess she is my friend ojere.Anyway she and hubby have been living here illegally for a while and hubby finally got his papers about two yrs ago.The kids by virtue of their dad are also now legal but she has her papers still in the home office(what she told me)

By virtue of this she cant really work.She just does this hair and also sells bits and pieces that come her way.I can see that she is very industrious and can travel miles just to fix 30 pound weave.I had to tell her o gal if ur travelling far you get to charge extra for home service abeg.

Well the issue is her mum.She is more or less the one who supports her family back home and has been doing that for a while now.But as most mums and indeed parents would know having kids just makes your finances less disposable.Coupled with the fact that they are not legal and are not entitled to some benefits that most legal low paid workers are entitled to.Making ends meet for the last couple of yrs has been a struggle.Her hubby pays all the bills and she helps with the lil she makes from making hair which is even trickier now that she has two young kids in tow which brings up child care issues.And London is such a hotbed for afro salons and hair dressers so she is unable to make as much as before.

Due to all this,she has been unable to send home money as much as she used to.She tried explaining to her mum and siblings that things have changed but they are finding it difficult to understand.She asked for my advice cos she said her mum called her one day to ask what exactly is happening cos she is worried(not too bad any mother should be.concerned if she feels her child is not doin toowell).She said she explained all their issues and the next thing her mum asked is how much does she and hubby make?Am like maybe its just a rhetorical question?She said no,she actually wanted to know the exact amount cos she cant understand why she keeps complaining that she cant send money?That if she was in Nigeria sef even if she earned 30 thousand naira wont she feed her mother?That her hubby is not man enough to take care of her needs cos if he settled all his responsiblities,the money she made doing hair could be sent home.That she is hungry and she has a child abroad That her hubby that keeps saying he does not have is it not some men that build houses for their MIL and train all his wife's siblings?

My mouth was wide open and i had to ask what age range is your mum.She said late fifties to early sixties?I had to say you know if she was in public service she might just be retiring,she is old but not helpless.Does she have a medical condition?She said no.Ok what does she do?She said nothing.I told her point blank your mum is bang out of order(i had to say this cos i could see from her tone that she was kind of resenting her hubby as she asked him for monet to send home and he said no that he still had to pay her solicitor).Your mum is not your hubby responsibility(my opinion or am i wrong?).You can take care of her but i think you need to equip her to be making something no matter how lil.So when you are not able to send money you wont be hearing they are hungry.As soon as you guys are settled,look for a way to set up something that she can do with lil capital.I know everyone sells in Nigeria but at least she can make something extra to feed till you are able to send something.I honestly did not know what to say cos she was sort of reporting her hubby to me for not giving her something to send home.I gave her something on top of the money for my hair and told her to.send that.

So my question is was Mum in this case being caring or just being plain selfish?And how can she handle it aside the advise i already gave her?

Any relative that would put pressures on you or make you feel less loved because of financial gains or lack of thereof should be kept at arms lenght, IMO .

They'll survive well with or without her and are most probably having a time of their lives while she's soaking in penury and unhappiness.

Since her mom don't want to act mom, she better get wise. No look Uche face.
When next they call,she should beat them to their game. Once she picks, she should go "thank God you called mom, please can you transfer 50K into my account, I need it urgently for xyz purpose. . ." repeat same line each time she calls and she'll stop bugging her.

Or better still, add their numbers to "screened numbers/reject list", she'll only reach them when she wants.

If she's lily livered and don't wanna hurt anyone, she can just change her phone lines temporarily.

I understand grandma's frustration due to the current situation in Nigeria... Nobody back home understand what goes on here until they come on down ( Bob Parker ) and see for themselves...,

However Damiso... Saying grandma's well being is not her hubby's responsibility is kinda little outta line ... Infact it's falls both on them..no matter how small her contribution is to the family purse is what she can afford for now because of their current status... they need to find a way to send the little( even very little) they can to grandma ... what bout the hubby, did you ask if he sends money to his own family or not?

Unity is preached every-time in Marriage but is taking care of your parents not supposed to be part of your family budget?( Extras aside?)

To answer your question, I think grandma is suffering and they only way she thinks she could reach out is to be inappropriate...

CC you know i used to be angry when some if my male friends then when i was working in naija say they cant marry from some kind of families.I would argue and argue that you are marrying the person but now i kinda see their point.

You are right she has to be respectfully firm to let mum not disrespect her hubby.My mum too can sometimes in her bid to be caring sometimes come across as nosy.So i saw this land in kini kan estate for 2M se u wont bring money ti buy?I tell her ok mum we will look into it.Ehen there is this stock in UBA se you wont tell your hubby so you people can buy.One day i told her like a joke,you know there is something called the internet and we know whats going on in Naija more than you sometimes sef.I know ur worried about us and want us to invest back home but dont worry we are thinking about it.She rarely tells me stuff like that anymore(am not saying she is wrong o but sometimes it felt like she was kinda comparing).I do what i can and if i give something its from Us.When he gives,its from.Us.I have one aunty(spoken about her in another thread)she will be like you buy me perfume,hubby buy me watch, i warned my mum that is rubbish.Whatever we buy she has to live with.She says things like eyan oma kin gbe okunrin kpon bayi(one does not back men like this) but she knows not to tell me all that anymore.So its how you present your relationship to people.

I hope she got my point about hubby not being the issue.Its not easy without papers and the guy is trying.At least they are making headway with that issue.Thats why i go out of my way to go to her house to make my hair cos i can afford childcare or get hubby to babysit.Her hubby has like two jobs and this immigration case has cost so much.Thats why i wonder if this living without papers thing sef is worth it

how old are her siblings?

jidegirl12: I understand grandma's frustration due to the current situation in Nigeria... Nobody back home understand what goes on here until they come on down ( Bob Parker ) and see for themselves...,

However Damiso... Saying grandma's well being is not her hubby's responsibility is kinda little outta line ... Infact it's falls both on them..no matter how small her contribution is to the family purse is what she can afford for now because of their current status... they need to find a way to send the little( even very little) they can to grandma ... what bout the hubby, did you ask if he sends money to his own family or not?

Unity is preached every-time in Marriage but is taking care of your parents not supposed to be part of your family budget?( Extras aside?)

To answer your question, I think grandma is suffering and they only way she thinks she could reach out is to be inappropriate...

Did you type this while dreaming? Abeg, the woman should be considerate joor. Does she want to destroy her daughter's matrimonial home because she is 'suffering'? Is the woman in question her only child? Can't she be productive or she expects to live for the rest of her life on the 'fruits of her labour'? It is the responsibility of the couple to take care of the woman, but when things are very hard, you consider your family first! Besides, they still have two children oh whose growth isn't stagnant.lol.

sholay2011:

Did you type this while dreaming? Abeg, the woman should be considerate joor. Does she want to destroy her daughter's matrimonial home because she is 'suffering'? Is the woman in question her only child? Can't she be productive or she expects to live for the rest of her life on the 'fruits of her labour'? It is the responsibility of the couple to take care of the woman, but when things are very hard, you consider your family first! Besides, they still have two children oh whose growth isn't stagnant.lol.

I'm Kuku awake... I'm just thinking outta the box here and realistic.... ofcourse you're a man right so I'm not surprised ....not being the first child even makes her contribution very little sef.

... Damiso pls I asked ; is the guy sending money to his own people or not? very little won't kill him.

jidegirl12: I understand grandma's frustration due to the current situation in Nigeria... Nobody back home understand what goes on here until they come on down ( Bob Parker ) and see for themselves...,

However Damiso... Saying grandma's well being is not her hubby's responsibility is kinda little outta line ... Infact it's falls both on them..no matter how small her contribution is to the family purse is what she can afford for now because of their current status... they need to find a way to send the little( even very little) they can to grandma ... what bout the hubby, did you ask if he sends money to his own family or not?

Unity is preached every-time in Marriage but is taking care of your parents not supposed to be part of your family budget?( Extras aside?)

To answer your question, I think grandma is suffering and they only way she thinks she could reach out is to be inappropriate...

Jidegirl thats my TAKE on the issue.Believe me God forbid but if i am needy in my old age i will take my kids providing for me as an extra not their sole responsiblity.Maybe its how i was raised(my dad esp)used to say we taking care of him was more in the way of thinking about his welfare not necessarily financial or material.I.think its unfair to place extra finacial burden on a young couple with a growing family.Take my mum now she does not really have anyone she is responsible for.We are three,i am the first,my sis is working and the last boy just got a job.So does she not have more disposable income than me?

Dont get me wrong am not saying hubby should not help his MIL.They should do it as a couple.So if she sends say 100 pounds(just an examaple) which is just 25k in naija,mum might not see it as anything spectacular.But to them it might be their gas bill for the month.

As i said at beggining of the post,thats why am.squeamish when asked to advise someone .
Maybe i am wrong but that is my belief.

jidegirl12:

I'm Kuku awake... I'm just thinking outta the box here and realistic.... ofcourse you're a man right so I'm not surprised ....not being the first child even makes her contribution very little sef.

... Damiso pls I asked ; is the guy sending money to his own people or not? very little won't kill him.

I did not ask that cos i did not want to be like its a your people vs his people kinda advice.Most of his family are here dont know about the parents.I dont think the guy is against them sending something but i think its more to do with them having money issues at the mo.As i said the guys pays most of the bills and as i said she helps with the lil she gets from her not too regular income.Even me that am talking the last i made my hair with her was in October.

tpia@:
how old are her siblings?

She should be(am guessing) in her late twenties so am guessing her siblings are early twenties or maybe late teens.Dont know just guessing.As i said we got to know on a hair makjng basis and she took a liking to me.She calls me aunty sef(that makes me uncomfortable too am not that old ).

I doubt grandma will complain if she recieves that^^ amount every month or every other month..,

My Yoruba people says.. Oun ti ko Dara ko dara( call a spade a spade)... Ati talaka lati ma mo omo to ma Shanu eni! ( it's from grass you determine a child that'll take care of you when he's graceful/blessed)

...let it be instilled in him from now to care for his MIL as part of his responsibility!

Let him send even 30 pounds/month and see what happens.... I talk bout boundaries and principles... wife should spell it out to her mum; that's all we can afford now mom and grandma will never question it... she might to other people( who cares eh?) but not to her.

jidegirl12: I doubt grandma will complain if she recieves that^^ amount every month or every other month..,

My Yoruba people says.. Oun ti ko Dara ko dara( call a spade a spade)... Ati talaka lati ma mo omo to ma Shanu eni! ( it's from grass you determine a child that'll take care of you when he's graceful/blessed)

...let it be instilled in him from now to care for his MIL as part of his responsibility!

Let him send even 30 pounds/month and see what happens.... I talk bout boundaries and principles... wife should spell it out to her mum; that's all we can afford now mom and grandma will never question it... she might to other people( who cares eh?) but not to her.

But jidegirl,they were taking care of this family.From the story she told me,she is even the one who rented the place they are living in.She told me its not hubby fault that when she was working(i think she was working with dagbo papers before she stopped and faced hair) and had kids she had single handedly sent home like £1000 at once.Tell me if hubby was not doing his bit then how would she have been able to be sending money home?She does not seem like (and to be honest her hubby ) she does not want to take care of her mum but its just their PRESENT circumstances.

damiso:

But jidegirl,they were taking care of this family.From the story she told me,she is even the one who rented the place they are living in.She told me its not hubby fault that when she was working(i think she was working with dagbo papers before she stopped and faced hair) and had kids she had single handedly sent home like £1000 at once.Tell me if hubby was not doing his bit then how would she have been able to be sending money home?She does not seem like (and to be honest her hubby ) she does not want to take care of her mum but its just their PRESENT circumstances.

Well grandma is used to the frequent income from them, I'm not saying they should send same amount now... but half quarter one-eighth bread is better than none.

Wow... na by force to stay abroad? Their situation sounds very uncomfortable now

jidegirl12:

Well grandma is used to the frequent income from them, I'm not saying they should send same amount now... but half quarter one-eighth bread is better than none.

Wow... na by force to stay abroad? Their situation sounds very uncomfortable now

Abi now.Its another story...i.e living abroad illegally is not beans.But if they go back home,same people will say with all your years abroad nothing to show for it and start ridiculing them.


That said,i dont like being judgemental about this illegal immigration thing(always tell hubby the same thing oga britico ).I dont know her that well so i cant say what sort of life she lived back home and what might have prompted her decision to emigrate if illegally.I think she met hubby here sef.

Also who says they cant run into hard times back home? .I have a friend back home who she and her hubby worked in new generation bank.They lost their jobs within two weeks of each other.

Thats life ojere,its full of ups and downs.

Well, personally, i will call a spade a spade..............d mama is damn selfish.........yes, she doesnt sound like a caring mum, if shes caring, she would be more concerned about what d couples are passing thru and not about her personal gain, she would be more concerned about d care of d little kids d young couples have, she would be more concerned about their ultimate success than all dis "if you like, succed, if you no like, dont succed, just send money to me" attitude.


I dont know why people seems not to be considerate with their daughters when their daughters get married, i dont think why some parents think that when their daughters get married, d husband MUST be responsible for all their (financial) needs, as if d man is a money-making machine, as if they didnt pass thru that stage, when they were passing thru d stage, was it easy for them to be metting all d MIL's needs then?

Your friend should just let her mum realise how dissapointed she is towards her, how she seems insensitive to their cnditions over there and tell her to take it easy with them, she should also tell her that whatever and whenever they are able to send her money, she should accept with love and be praying for them to be able to do more.

The problem here is not even of papers or stay or whatever you pple call it, it is AFFORDABILITY, whatever they can afford and whenever they can afford, they should send money to mama, and mama is obliged to appreciate them, d mama should not put her interest over d young family's interest, except, the mama is suffering from any form of ailment, if not, she should augument whatever she is given by this couple with what others give her and manage with that, afterall, all her children are grown ups and there is no any heavy financial responsibilities on her again. Im not saying they shudnt take care of mama, but mama aiso have to be considerate, if they having bben sending money b4, but could not now, she should understand and always pray for them.

Understanding is very essential here, if she fails to understand their present condition, and she feels more concerned about her own interest, then, she is damn selfish.
May God help us all.

Well, personally, i will call a spade a spade..............d mama is damn selfish.........yes, she doesnt sound like a caring mum, if shes caring, she would be more concerned about what d couples are passing thru and not about her personal gain, she would be more concerned about d care of d little kids d young couples have, she would be more concerned about their ultimate success than all dis "if you like, succed, if you no like, dont succed, just send money to me" attitude.


I dont know why people seems not to be considerate with their daughters when their daughters get married, i dont think why some parents think that when their daughters get married, d husband MUST be responsible for all their (financial) needs, as if d man is a money-making machine, as if they didnt pass thru that stage, when they were passing thru d stage, was it easy for them to be metting all d MIL's needs then?

Your friend should just let her mum realise how dissapointed she is towards her, how she seems insensitive to their cnditions over there and tell her to take it easy with them, she should also tell her that whatever and whenever they are able to send her money, she should accept with love and be praying for them to be able to do more.

The problem here is not even of papers or stay or whatever you pple call it, it is AFFORDABILITY, whatever they can afford and whenever they can afford, they should send money to mama, and mama is obliged to appreciate them, d mama should not put her interest over d young family's interest, except, the mama is suffering from any form of ailment, if not, she should augument whatever she is given by this couple with what others give her and manage with that, afterall, all her children are grown ups and there is no any heavy financial responsibilities on her again. Im not saying they shudnt take care of mama, but mama aiso have to be considerate, if they having bben sending money b4, but could not now, she should understand and always pray for them.

Understanding is very essential here, if she fails to understand their present condition, and she feels more concerned about her own interest, then, she is damn selfish.
May God help us all.

damiso:

She should be(am guessing) in her late twenties so am guessing her siblings are early twenties or maybe late teens.Dont know just guessing.As i said we got to know on a hair makjng basis and she took a liking to me.She calls me aunty sef(that makes me uncomfortable too am not that old ).

The reason i asked was because i was wondering if she's catering for the mother alone or if the siblings also needed assistance ( looks that way).

My opinion is nigeria is a poor country ( we cant deceive ourselves), so she should send what little she can spare. But if she doesnt have at all, she has to inform her mum and the siblings hopefully can get assistance from people in nigeria. You never know what God can do.

People in nigeria usually assume overseas is a land of milk and honey where gold is lying around on the street waiting to be picked up and sent home.

A lot of diasporans do give this impression with the way they blow cash when they visit nigeria. How they acquired the money is best known to them but not others.

Its not until folks actually travel out that they understand the real situation of things.

tpia@:
People in nigeria usually assume overseas is a land of milk and honey where gold is lying around on the street waiting to be picked up and sent home.

A lot of diasporans do give this impression with the way they blow cash when they visit nigeria. How they acquired the money is best known to them but not others.

Its not until folks actually travel out that they understand the real situation of things.

exactly......reasons why some Nigerians are alwayas dependent on their pple in diaspora.

The mom is out of order here

tpia@:
People in nigeria usually assume overseas is a land of milk and honey where gold is lying around on the street waiting to be picked up and sent home.

A lot of diasporans do give this impression with the way they blow cash when they visit nigeria. How they acquired the money is best known to them but not others.

Its not until folks actually travel out that they understand the real situation of things.

Not me .Customs sef no like me right from the airport.In short the only time people dash me money is when i go to Nigeria .
People are rich in that naija men.100k for lunch no be beans who will dash you £400 for lunch in Uk .My daughter had never seen that many notes in her short life