sholay2011: Hello. I just drafted this 'insane' short film script and would love to be constructively criticised.
It's just a 6-page script, so don't be bothered about it taaking too much of your time. It's entitled 'paranoia'.

Please, find the attached document and see it below:


[size=15pt]PARANOIA[/size]



LOGLINE

A young man becomes deranged after losing his job. He starts seeing his new neighbour as his greatest enemy as a result of self-deception. On getting to know his‘neighbour’s wife’, he discovers real paranoia.


CHARACTERS

Thompson- A plain man in his early 30s, with moustache and a sparkle in his eyes

Funmi- A pretty lady in her late 20s, with a slightly unkempt hairdo and a quirky smile

Mrs Eze- A woman in her early 40s, well-dressed in a corporate sense

(Thompson’s) image- Same as Thompson




SCENE 1

(Thompson, wearing a short and t-shirt, is in deep thoughts on his mattress. He rolls from one side of the bed to another with tears rolling down his eyes. He flashes back:

MRS.EZE: So, where do you see yourself in the next…say five years?

THOMPSON: I can’t really say. Five years is not that long. My personal target is to have achieved some things by age 30.

MRS. EZE: May I know those things?

THOMPSON: Well, I see myself…you know…having a beautiful wife with two lovely kids, a house that’s mine, doing a lucrative job I love and…and…that’s it.

MRS. EZE: That’s it?

THOMPSON: yes, that’s it.
(He stands up weakly from the bed, staring at his image in the mirror. He then picks a paper and pen and writes down some things. He stares at the mirror again.)

THOMPSON: All my dreams are just…dreams that they are. They are not real…

IMAGE: Who told you so? Thompson! When did you become this faint-hearted? The fact that you are a little above thirty doesn’t mean you can’t achieve all your dreams. It’s never too late. Don’t give up.

THOMPSON: (sobs) I sincerely think it is too late.

IMAGE: It isn’t! Stop that! You can start achieving your dreams…starting from now.

THOMPSON: How is that possible? I just got laid off from work last…

IMAGE: (interrupts) so? Remember the pretty lady you saw during yesterday’s morning exercise…

(Thompson is seen jogging and suddenly stops. He fixes his gaze at a woman who is on her way to work and then smiles to himself.)

IMAGE: What stops her from being your wife? The mistake people make in life is to be rigid about everything. Don’t! You don’t have to start with a well-paid job before you start doing other things that matter. Go for it! Go for it!

THOMPSON: Okay…okay, I will go for it. (His image smiles)




SCENE 2


(Thompson, wearing a trouser and a jersey, is seen jogging and stops in front of a house. A woman comes out of the house, holding her handbag and busy with her cell phone. He clears his throat and quickly walks up to her)

THOMPSON: Em…hello. Good morning.

FUNMI: Morning. (There is a brief and awkward silence.)

THOMPSON: I’m Thompson. Nice meeting you. (They shake hands.)

FUNMI: I’m Funmi. Oh...are you the new neighbour that just moved into our street?

THOMPSON: Exactly.

FUNMI: You are welcome.

THOMPSON: Thanks. You really look beautiful. I mean you are every man’s…

FUNMI: Em…thank you. I’m already late to work…

THOMPSON:I guess you are single, right?

FUNMI: I beg your pardon. That sounds rude for someone you are just meeting for the first time.

THOMPSON: Nothing new under the sun. That’s why people say love at first sight.

FUNMI: I’m sorry but I am happily married with two lovely kids. (She shows him her ring finger.) I would like you to respect that.

THOMPSON: (Shocked) Two…two lovely kids? That’s…that’s…and this is your husband’s house?

FUNMI: (scoffs) You sound scary. I would love you to excuse me. (Looks at her wristwatch and leaves for work)




SCENE 3

(Thompson, in his short and t-shirt, washes his face into a bowl and sits in front of his mirror, staring at his image.)

THOMPSON: I can’t believe she is married…

IMAGE: Thompson! I hope you see what I’m seeing. That is your dream!

THOMPSON: I don’t understand.

IMAGE: Don’t sound dumb. All you’ve ever wanted is what her husband has! You name it- a beautiful wife, two lovely kids, a house of your own and…he probably has a nice job for him to have that house. And you know what; he should be in your age range. Your next door neighbour is living out your dream!

THOMPSON: So…so what can I do? What should I do?

IMAGE: You don’t deserve your present state, Thompson. Have you asked too much from life? Many want to become the President, the governor, the CEO of a bank, a world-class surgeon and so on; but all you asked for is a comfortable life. But life was unfair to you; it made you very plain, not that intelligent and presently jobless. It made your friends run away from you thinking you are crazy. Your dream life is just a stone throw from you. What matters is if you are brave enough to get it.

THOMPSON: (Taps the table) I am brave enough. What can I do?

IMAGE: That man is basically sleeping with your wife, fathering your children and staying in your house! You need to get him out of there…you need to take him out…

THOMPSON: how do I take him out?

IMAGE: Are you asking me?




SCENE 4

(It’s 5.30 pm. There is a knock at the door. Funmi, now wearing an evening gown, opens it and finds Thompson by the door. He quickly hides the sharp knife in his hand in a small bag)

THOMPSON: Good evening. I am here to apologise for…for yesterday’s episode. I guess we didn’t meet on a good note.

FUNMI: (smiles) No problem. Apology accepted.

THOMPSON: is your husband home? I would like to say hello to him.

FUNMI: He is not yet back from work but you can wait for him.

THOMPSON: That’s a good idea.
(Thompson is seated in the well-furnished living room, sipping a drink.)

THOMPSON: What of the children?

FUNMI: they are back from school. They should be in their room busy with their assignments.

THOMPSON: Nice. A boy and a girl?

FUNMI: Exactly.

THOMPSON: Oh…well.

FUNMI: Yeah I know…lucky me. Or…would you like to meet them?

THOMPSON: of course. (She goes inside and comes back with two dolls! She places them gently on the sofa.)

FUNMI: Here they are. That’s Tade; he is in primary four by now. The girl is Titi; she is about to leave primary school. So…

THOMPSON: (shocked) What the…? I asked for your…your children…not…not

FUNMI: Well, I’m happy you’ve met them. My husband always comes around six. I hope you can wait till then.

THOMPSON: (confused) I…I will try.

FUNMI: By the way, you scared me yesterday when you walked up to me. You kind of sounded crazy…but you know…I just had to maintain my cool.

THOMPSON: Oh really?

FUNMI: Yes. Welcome to AyedaadeStreet. You see, people here are strange. They just kind of avoid me and my family as if something is wrong with us but who cares? It’s not like I beg people to make a living. (Checks her wristwatch) Oh…it’s almost time. My darling should be around by now.

THOMPSON: Doesn’t he have a car because I can’t hear any sound of…?

FUNMI: (interrupts) Don’t worry; I always know when he is around. Tade and Titi, daddy is back. (She goes to open the door, and a dog runs inside barking. She closes the door gently and sits down.)

THOMPSON: Don’t tell me…

FUNMI: (cuts in) I think he is very tired and hungry now. I have to get him his food. You may have to come back tomorrow. I’m very sorry.

THOMPSON: Em…I see. (Swallows saliva and stands up, with his leg shaking) Thanks for the…the hospitality…and introduction to your family.

FUNMI: (smiling) it’s my pleasure. I am very happy to finally have a friend on this street. I think we are like minds.

THOMPSON: Oh…indeed. (He walks briskly out of the house.)

FUNMI: We would be expecting you some other time. Bye! The children are also greeting you…

THOMPSON:Yeah…bye. (Starts walking towards his house quickly; talks silently) oh my God! Am I dreaming? That’s one hell of a classic mad woman!



*LIGHT OUT*



‘I complained I had no shoes, not until I saw someone without legs’.

sholay2011: Hello. I just drafted this 'insane' short film script and would love to be constructively criticised.
It's just a 6-page script, so don't be bothered about it taaking too much of your time. It's entitled 'paranoia'.

Please, find the attached document and see it below:


[size=15pt]PARANOIA[/size]



LOGLINE

A young man becomes deranged after losing his job. He starts seeing his new neighbour as his greatest enemy as a result of self-deception. On getting to know his‘neighbour’s wife’, he discovers real paranoia.


CHARACTERS

Thompson- A plain man in his early 30s, with moustache and a sparkle in his eyes

Funmi- A pretty lady in her late 20s, with a slightly unkempt hairdo and a quirky smile

Mrs Eze- A woman in her early 40s, well-dressed in a corporate sense

(Thompson’s) image- Same as Thompson




SCENE 1

(Thompson, wearing a short and t-shirt, is in deep thoughts on his mattress. He rolls from one side of the bed to another with tears rolling down his eyes. He flashes back:

MRS.EZE: So, where do you see yourself in the next…say five years?

THOMPSON: I can’t really say. Five years is not that long. My personal target is to have achieved some things by age 30.

MRS. EZE: May I know those things?

THOMPSON: Well, I see myself…you know…having a beautiful wife with two lovely kids, a house that’s mine, doing a lucrative job I love and…and…that’s it.

MRS. EZE: That’s it?

THOMPSON: yes, that’s it.
(He stands up weakly from the bed, staring at his image in the mirror. He then picks a paper and pen and writes down some things. He stares at the mirror again.)

THOMPSON: All my dreams are just…dreams that they are. They are not real…

IMAGE: Who told you so? Thompson! When did you become this faint-hearted? The fact that you are a little above thirty doesn’t mean you can’t achieve all your dreams. It’s never too late. Don’t give up.

THOMPSON: (sobs) I sincerely think it is too late.

IMAGE: It isn’t! Stop that! You can start achieving your dreams…starting from now.

THOMPSON: How is that possible? I just got laid off from work last…

IMAGE: (interrupts) so? Remember the pretty lady you saw during yesterday’s morning exercise…

(Thompson is seen jogging and suddenly stops. He fixes his gaze at a woman who is on her way to work and then smiles to himself.)

IMAGE: What stops her from being your wife? The mistake people make in life is to be rigid about everything. Don’t! You don’t have to start with a well-paid job before you start doing other things that matter. Go for it! Go for it!

THOMPSON: Okay…okay, I will go for it. (His image smiles)




SCENE 2


(Thompson, wearing a trouser and a jersey, is seen jogging and stops in front of a house. A woman comes out of the house, holding her handbag and busy with her cell phone. He clears his throat and quickly walks up to her)

THOMPSON: Em…hello. Good morning.

FUNMI: Morning. (There is a brief and awkward silence.)

THOMPSON: I’m Thompson. Nice meeting you. (They shake hands.)

FUNMI: I’m Funmi. Oh...are you the new neighbour that just moved into our street?

THOMPSON: Exactly.

FUNMI: You are welcome.

THOMPSON: Thanks. You really look beautiful. I mean you are every man’s…

FUNMI: Em…thank you. I’m already late to work…

THOMPSON:I guess you are single, right?

FUNMI: I beg your pardon. That sounds rude for someone you are just meeting for the first time.

THOMPSON: Nothing new under the sun. That’s why people say love at first sight.

FUNMI: I’m sorry but I am happily married with two lovely kids. (She shows him her ring finger.) I would like you to respect that.

THOMPSON: (Shocked) Two…two lovely kids? That’s…that’s…and this is your husband’s house?

FUNMI: (scoffs) You sound scary. I would love you to excuse me. (Looks at her wristwatch and leaves for work)




SCENE 3

(Thompson, in his short and t-shirt, washes his face into a bowl and sits in front of his mirror, staring at his image.)

THOMPSON: I can’t believe she is married…

IMAGE: Thompson! I hope you see what I’m seeing. That is your dream!

THOMPSON: I don’t understand.

IMAGE: Don’t sound dumb. All you’ve ever wanted is what her husband has! You name it- a beautiful wife, two lovely kids, a house of your own and…he probably has a nice job for him to have that house. And you know what; he should be in your age range. Your next door neighbour is living out your dream!

THOMPSON: So…so what can I do? What should I do?

IMAGE: You don’t deserve your present state, Thompson. Have you asked too much from life? Many want to become the President, the governor, the CEO of a bank, a world-class surgeon and so on; but all you asked for is a comfortable life. But life was unfair to you; it made you very plain, not that intelligent and presently jobless. It made your friends run away from you thinking you are crazy. Your dream life is just a stone throw from you. What matters is if you are brave enough to get it.

THOMPSON: (Taps the table) I am brave enough. What can I do?

IMAGE: That man is basically sleeping with your wife, fathering your children and staying in your house! You need to get him out of there…you need to take him out…

THOMPSON: how do I take him out?

IMAGE: Are you asking me?




SCENE 4

(It’s 5.30 pm. There is a knock at the door. Funmi, now wearing an evening gown, opens it and finds Thompson by the door. He quickly hides the sharp knife in his hand in a small bag)

THOMPSON: Good evening. I am here to apologise for…for yesterday’s episode. I guess we didn’t meet on a good note.

FUNMI: (smiles) No problem. Apology accepted.

THOMPSON: is your husband home? I would like to say hello to him.

FUNMI: He is not yet back from work but you can wait for him.

THOMPSON: That’s a good idea.
(Thompson is seated in the well-furnished living room, sipping a drink.)

THOMPSON: What of the children?

FUNMI: they are back from school. They should be in their room busy with their assignments.

THOMPSON: Nice. A boy and a girl?

FUNMI: Exactly.

THOMPSON: Oh…well.

FUNMI: Yeah I know…lucky me. Or…would you like to meet them?

THOMPSON: of course. (She goes inside and comes back with two dolls! She places them gently on the sofa.)

FUNMI: Here they are. That’s Tade; he is in primary four by now. The girl is Titi; she is about to leave primary school. So…

THOMPSON: (shocked) What the…? I asked for your…your children…not…not

FUNMI: Well, I’m happy you’ve met them. My husband always comes around six. I hope you can wait till then.

THOMPSON: (confused) I…I will try.

FUNMI: By the way, you scared me yesterday when you walked up to me. You kind of sounded crazy…but you know…I just had to maintain my cool.

THOMPSON: Oh really?

FUNMI: Yes. Welcome to AyedaadeStreet. You see, people here are strange. They just kind of avoid me and my family as if something is wrong with us but who cares? It’s not like I beg people to make a living. (Checks her wristwatch) Oh…it’s almost time. My darling should be around by now.

THOMPSON: Doesn’t he have a car because I can’t hear any sound of…?

FUNMI: (interrupts) Don’t worry; I always know when he is around. Tade and Titi, daddy is back. (She goes to open the door, and a dog runs inside barking. She closes the door gently and sits down.)

THOMPSON: Don’t tell me…

FUNMI: (cuts in) I think he is very tired and hungry now. I have to get him his food. You may have to come back tomorrow. I’m very sorry.

THOMPSON: Em…I see. (Swallows saliva and stands up, with his leg shaking) Thanks for the…the hospitality…and introduction to your family.

FUNMI: (smiling) it’s my pleasure. I am very happy to finally have a friend on this street. I think we are like minds.

THOMPSON: Oh…indeed. (He walks briskly out of the house.)

FUNMI: We would be expecting you some other time. Bye! The children are also greeting you…

THOMPSON:Yeah…bye. (Starts walking towards his house quickly; talks silently) oh my God! Am I dreaming? That’s one hell of a classic mad woman!



*LIGHT OUT*



‘I complained I had no shoes, not until I saw someone without legs’.

Marvin G: As a scriptwriter myself, I appreciate the story on so many levels. First off, it's a unique idea. The plot is engaging. However, it needs to be fleshed out before it can truly be presentable for shooting. This 'fleshing' out can be done with a scriptwriter who knows what he or she is doing. I might be able to give you some more pointers on how to proceed, but I feel that you've already given away too much info on your script, hell. . . you've practically sent it out, now, anyone can steal it and develop it. For that reason, I wouldn't want to give you ideas which anyone can just pick up and make the story complete, then take credit for it.
You may reach me on ejogoken@yahoo.com for pointers.
Once again, it
's a great idea

omidhe: Surprising how everyone look at the story from the physical , I guess the writer himself didn't know how much abstract work he has created . Beautiful imagery. I belive the whole event happens in Thompson's head , between his sub-conciousness, a man who has built his own enemy , in other that he might have someone to blame for the woes that have befall him ,only for him for him to find out that he is stronger than the enemy he has created , and in all of that , his supposed enemy -the dog his happier than him . Lesson learnt , in all be contended with what you have , and if you want more in life , stand up and hustle for it , instead of looking for who to blame for your failure . Fumi probably most have looked everywhere for happiness -husband and kids , and since none was forthcoming , she created her happiness herself -the dog , and the dolls .lesson learnt , life will give to you what you first give to yourself , happiness is from within , nobody who cteat yours for you . Hey sholay , am a script writer , too . U wanna hook up ? Great work you 'v got there, I must say welldone .

sholay2011:
Thanks. I'm in Akure.

omidhe: Surprising how everyone look at the story from the physical , I guess the writer himself didn't know how much abstract work he has created .

VillageBoi:

I think the writer deserves much more credit than that and that he DID KNOW absolutely what he was creating.

VillageBoi:

I think the writer deserves much more credit than that and that he DID KNOW absolutely what he was creating.

sholay2011:
Thanks very much bro. You really see it from my view.
It's amazing how people also give deep interpretation from their angles on the same story.

kunle fox:
I think she was actually complimenting him and looking at it on the abstract sense...Though the part she goes "I don't think the writer understand the abstract work he had created" sounded like she was undermining the writers' imagination but she definitely credited him for saying the script can be viewed in abstract sense which I agree with her and I'm not undermining his imagery..it's a beautiful piece!

semid4lyfe: Not sure but I think this is the first movie script to make Nairaland homepage.

Congrats to the OP for making history

omidhe: Surprising how everyone look at the story from the physical , I guess the writer himself didn't know how much abstract work he has created . Beautiful imagery. I belive the whole event happens in Thompson's head , between his sub-conciousness, a man who has built his own enemy , in other that he might have someone to blame for the woes that have befall him ,only for him for him to find out that he is stronger than the enemy he has created , and in all of that , his supposed enemy -the dog his happier than him . Lesson learnt , in all be contended with what you have , and if you want more in life , stand up and hustle for it , instead of looking for who to blame for your failure . Fumi probably most have looked everywhere for happiness -husband and kids , and since none was forthcoming , she created her happiness herself -the dog , and the dolls .lesson learnt , life will give to you what you first give to yourself , happiness is from within , nobody who cteat yours for you . Hey sholay , am a script writer , too . U wanna hook up ? Great work you 'v got there, I must say welldone .