Any pastors in the house? I have a request. If the holy spirit permits, please mention in your sermon to your members who are parents about the importance of having respect for their adult children, especially those who are no longer dependent on them financially or otherwise. I have seen so many issues arise from this in our society that I feel this must be addressed.

I feel this is a matter that is never touched in churches. Always with the "children obey/honor your parents" and hardly ever is there any emphasis on "for this reason a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife" etc and similar scriptures that state the need for parents to "back off" and maintain themselves at a distance after a certain point.

As I am sure you have read your bibles, there was a point in his life where Jesus himself had to make it abundantly clear to his family members that they were to mind their own business. He especially also didn't feel the need to "discuss" with them his mission to die at the cross, otherwise we all would have had to wait for another messiah.

You will understand that anywhere there is a one-sided use of scripture concerning the interaction between 2 parties, instead of keeping it balanced and making sure to always state the terms for both parties to follow instead of just one, you end up with situations where the one party starts to abuse this situation and will often go past the line of acceptable behavior towards the other party, thinking they have a God-given right to override the will of the other.

An example of this is where people are always in a hurry to use the "wife obey your husband" scriptures, but then none or fewer emphasis placed on explaining the return behavior and conduct a man should have with his wife in terms of loving her, respecting her and being considerate to her (Maybe because most pastors are men? ). The results are the noisome, emotionally-damaging braggarts some have as husbands today. But I digress...

The same manner in which some wives feel in this position is the same way some adult children who have left the nest feel when their parents feel the need to try to meddle into affairs that really are none of their business anymore. Granted any sensible adult will[should] always tell their parents to back off when they try to push their own will or give unsolicited advice over specific/sensitive matters, but the harassment gets tiring after a while and it would just be better appreciated if they just STOPPED the behavior entirely.

These parents need to understand that it is this behavior of theirs and their inability to respect the choices of their children that strains their relationships with their adult offspring and keep them away. Several people ignore calls from their parents because "I am currently feeling happy. Why will I now pick up this call and waste 2 hours of my life arguing with this unreasonable person/persons and then spend the rest of my day gloomy? I have better things to do with that time..."

One thing I always wonder, Do these parents themselves tolerate these sorts of meddlesome behavior from their own parents? I know the answer to this to be a resounding NO, so why in all of God's blue earth do they feel they should repeat this same behavior to their adult offspring?

They need to understand that they can only pray for, advice (though never being the one to bring up an issue again when told to drop it) and leave it to the other adult (aka their adult child) to decide. Anything other than that would essentially be an insult to the other person (especially when told to leave it alone) as you have just called them a fool who require you to interfere and live their life for them. This is ever so important because, parents are not always right. They lack the context of a first person perspective to truly sympathize with what may be going on.

They must understand that no 2 adults can agree on every single thing. There will be differences of lifestyle between parent and offspring and that is not an avenue to try to make that other person an exact duplicate of yourself or to make them start feeling bad or being overly judgmental like every other way aside from yours is wrong. This is insulting. The act of agreeing to disagree seems a very hard thing in Nigerian society, and even more so with parents.

So many marriages have failed today because of the unneccesary pressures parents put on these poor people's marriages. Always watching, always sewing seeds of discord, always seeking out one thing or the other to support and overly amplify their pre-established bias about someone e.g child's spouse, always looking out for opportunities to go "Ehen!" etc instead of just living out their own lives. Is this joblessness?

Eventually, on a weak period between the couples, one of them might fall into the trap of succumbing to all this backlog of rubbish from their parents and would then allow irrationality into their union...eventually beginning the death of that marriage.

These parents may have good intentions, but are actually causing more harm than any good their singular minds may think they are doing. Parents of adults should learn to trust God after a certain point as to the lives of the adults after they are no longer dependent on you, otherwise they may find themselves actually STEPPING ON GOD'S TOES as well and interfering with the natural courses he plots for the adult's life. Let go and let God.

Due to Nigerian society, pastors and religious leaders have a unique position of influencing and instructing people of every station on their manner of conduct, so we would generally appreciate it if they created more awareness on this matter.
I have never ever heard a sermon EVER reminding parents about their VERY NECESSARY role-change after their children become self-dependent adults.

It is better for people to make mistakes on their own than for people to make it for them....if at all a mistake is to be made.

If you discern, You will notice that the style of parenting I am suggesting is exactly how God does his own parenting of us.

Unsolicitated and untactfully delivered advice, even if it happened to be golden, will often be seen as unwanted trash.

God bless you as you extend this wisdom to others within your influence.

-2Buff

Wow

Gudintent: Wow

It's just one of those things that have to be said

Good morning 2buff,

Quite unlike your experience, I have listened to a number of sermons about the need for parents to respect their Children just like the kids have a duty of honouring their parents...

I believe your concerns are well founded and it is quite sad that some parents are so domineering that it becomes impossible for the child to grow up...you see adults who are married still depend on their parents to help them make simple decisions they and their partners could have made...it is indeed sad!

You say parents should respect their adult children but I take that one step further and say that parents are meant to accord respect to every child of theirs (whether adult or not)...their rights should be respected and the sooner they allow them learn how to take responsibilities and get involved in decision making from their 'earlier years' the better it will be for both them and that child.

2Buff, its been submitted. Nice thread!

JeSoul: 2Buff, its been submitted. Nice thread!

Thanks sis. I haven't seen it up there though.
I take it it goes through a review process?

Please take no offence but I must confess, I find it rather funny/strange that important societal matters such as these sit in review yet it's threads like "Dipping Bread In Tea: Good Or Bad Habit?" that get posted on front page same day.

Anyway, I'll keep looking out for it

2buff:

Thanks bros. I haven't seen it up there though.
I take it it goes through a review process?

Please take no offence but I must confess, I find it rather funny/strange that important matters such as these sit in review yet it's threads like "Dipping Bread In Tea: Good Or Bad Habit?" that get posted on front page same day.

Anyway, I'll keep looking out for it

I CAN ASSURE YOU JESOUL AINT NO BROS. OR IS SHE ? HMMMMM

OMG lol sorry JeSoul. Corrected

I also helped the process by repackaging it to make it not seem directed to just pastors alone.

Thanks.

@op
you really vented. Ar u wrtg somwat from personal xperience?
Thank God for d internet and d opportunity, its given ppl to air their minds. The world as a whole has suffered 2 long frm oppresion of truth.
I wantd to create a post titled: Parents d greatest Manipulators On Earth- based on personal experience and the charades i see played out in society. Some of these set of ppl called parents are outright devils. Satanic tools of manipulaton. And som hav wrecked their childrens destinies.
Their atrocities ar always justified because theyr parents. Parents like ive seen want docile goats dat obey them unquestioningly, wen yung som children hav been drilld to obey mum n dad either thru merciless beatg , still is d case in som homes.
Or shame/guilt inducemnt :
harrasment. Disgracg child in public etc.
Threateng child either with disownment(removg name
Especially in afrca, this satanic culture is accepted as d norm,
some mothers will stupidly try 2 use d pregnancy thng to manipulate.. (i carried u for 9 months. I cud hav divorced u bla bla bla )...
If u ddnt hav a child u'd b puttg in prayer requests and calling God unjust.

ther's a verse in d Bible sayg. Parents do not offend ur children lest the b discouraged ( i never hear dat verse ever uttered by a parent. They skip over it. Never heard it in church. ). Theres a verse tht says parents TRAIN up a child in d way he shud Go ... Many mistake ths for insult,debase,contrl a child etc and som parent will justify this.
Many parents control evry aspect of their childrens lives esp the rich.
Their children ar mor like their puppets . Its a terrble charade. If a child gets outspoken and tries to thnk 4 himself, he is labelled rude stubborn he is warned tht it will not b well with him.. Most children bcome ridden with guilt alone and backdown. The manipulation continues...
It's chronic in rich homes, families.. If child doesnt marry Parents pick threat cud b - disownment, open cursing, makg life diffcult 4 d child, removg his name frm their will etc.
Manipulation atrocities and it's all ok! Some screwed thnkg adult called a parent will try to tell me y it is ok. It's sickeng.

2buff: These parents need to understand that it is this behavior of theirs and their inability to respect the choices of their children that strains their relationships with their adult offspring and keep them away. Several people ignore calls from their parents because "I am currently feeling happy. Why will I now pick up this call and waste 2 hours of my life arguing with this unreasonable person/persons and then spend the rest of my day gloomy? I have better things to do with that time..."

One thing I always wonder, Do these parents themselves tolerate these sorts of meddlesome behavior from their own parents? I know the answer to this to be a resounding NO, so why in all of God's blue earth do they feel they should repeat this same behavior to their adult offspring?

They need to understand that they can only pray for, advice (though never being the one to bring up an issue again when told to drop it) and leave it to the other adult (aka their adult child) to decide. Anything other than that would essentially be an insult to the other person (especially when told to leave it alone) as you have just called them a fool who require you to interfere and live their life for them. This is ever so important because, parents are not always right. They lack the context of a first person perspective to truly sympathize with what may be going on.

They must understand that no 2 adults can agree on every single thing. There will be differences of lifestyle between parent and offspring and that is not an avenue to try to make that other person an exact duplicate of yourself or to make them start feeling bad or being overly judgmental like every other way aside from yours is wrong. This is insulting. The act of agreeing to disagree seems a very hard thing in Nigerian society, and even more so with parents.

true words 2buff.

more parents need to accept that their children won't be children forever.
in the same bible it says to "honor thy mother and thy father so that your days shall be longer" but it also says parents must not forsake their children.

i understand that they want what is best for us (some anyway ) but at the same time, don't provoke your children just because you are the parent. once a child reaches adulthood or the age where they can make conscientious decisions for themselves, their decisions should be respected being that they are old enough to think and fend for themselves.

It's as if parents want to sate their power cravgs by outrightly rulg their children. Statements like "u'll always b a child even if you are 50" , such stupity is uttered by this som1 called a parent. It's so indoctrinated dat ppl beliv it.
In a nutshell parents crave somtin tht shd only go to God, Worship, by their children.. It gets pathetic wen they see the tides turng as they get old and feeble. This is a sinful cravg i see in any tango. Boyfriend craves wrshp frm gf , friends crave wrshp frm co-friends the entire society structure is set up to create som form of human wrshp of sorts. Pop stars, billonaires , presenters, politicians ar presented as extra human and all that 4ck society and its sick structure. Respect and reverence is very ok, even d bible recognizes honor and human promotion but theres a satanic tradition practiced where som ppl ar psychologcally manipulated into acceptg tht theyre inferior to others. Based on some mundane criteria like amount of money in the bank, cars they drive, education,dressing, physical appearance, etc. It's even in d church. Sick human segregation and d bible condemns it roundedly. This culture is sadly imbibed and practiced in d most home.

som dwnrght typical manipulatv statements are the norm like:
"i want to have my grand children" or "i want more grand kids". (ur children arent married for ur sake respct tht).
- forcg , shamg child into marraige...
- "ur parents know better"
(to a grown adult. Parents hav
run lives wth ths statement)
- " but they did it cuz they luv u"
(yeah. Ths is d justfctn 4 brutality, psychologic traumatztn, etc)

solution:
"God hasnt given parents a spirit of fear but of love of power and a sound mind".
When parents feel tht fear grip them tht their grwn up children wont b able to manage their
lives without them, they shd attack d fear instead of giv in and try 2 run and control their children's lives.

All I know is that a parent who finally has an adult for a child should CELEBRATE about the independence of the adult and the new freedom the parent now has to go rest or do something, I'm sure even they have things they'd like to spend their mind on...not to be looking for how to keep the adult a child and helping devil to suffer the man/woman.

If you raised them with the right intentions (i.e. not trying to live life thru them or not trying to make them into your own personal trophies), you really shouldn't be "fearing" that they don't need you anymore. You've already done the raising. Go on and live your life ma/sir. You have done a great job, thank you for the love and care over the years...

respect is resiprocal

tobechi74: respect is resiprocal

^^gbam!

it's almost as if steve harvey read this thread!
tonight's episode of his show features this very topic and of course according to him
our parents "gave us life and we are therefore in debt to them".

2buff: All I know is that a parent who finally has an adult for a child should CELEBRATE about the independence of the adult and the new freedom the parent now has to go rest or do something, I'm sure even they have things they'd like to spend their mind on...not to be looking for how to keep the adult a child and helping devil to suffer the man/woman.

If you raised them with the right intentions (i.e. not trying to live life thru them or not trying to make them into your own personal trophies), you really shouldn't be "fearing" that they don't need you anymore. You've already done the raising. Go on and live your life ma/sir. You have done a great job, thank you for the love and care over the years...

^^^^

*Kails*:


^^gbam!

it's almost as if steve harvey read this thread!
tonight's episode of his show features this very topic and of course according to him
our parents "gave us life and we are therefore in debt to them".

Steve Harvey is a black american fool


Was he not the one giving advice to women not to date atheists? Someone in the same country as Bill Gates?


My parents brought me to this world but the dont own me.....they didnt give me life, they just procreated....they didnt create.

Logicboy03:


Steve Harvey is a black american fool

Was he not the one giving advice to women not to date atheists? Someone in the same country as Bill Gates?


My parents brought me to this world but the dont own me.....they didnt give me life, they just procreated....they didnt create.

GBAM!! don't get me wrong!
I love, honor, and respect my parents who for the most part are very understanding..however I am my own person.

I deserve to be recognized as such.

*Kails*:






GBAM!! don't get me wrong!
I love, honor, and respect my parents who for the most part are very understanding..however I am my own person.

I deserve to be recognized as such.

coolio

Logicboy03:

coolio

@buffy where you dey?!

[size=14pt]

Treat him gently, but do not cuddle him, because only the test of fire makes fine steel.

[/size]

I wish my parents would just read this! My mum especially! My dad has always told us right from my second schl days,that he has done his part and its time to live our lives! He respects our decisions! But mumsy ehn!chai! That woman can worry! Of recent she was tellin me i dnt tell her stuffs and i said yes,cos u'r too judjmental and she has this habit of going off point sometimes! Mumsy still wants to control everybdy,imagine her tellin my elder brothers to go and shave or change theri hair-cut styles i guess she's jst being α mother but abeg,we need α breather! I guess cos we still dey her house sha!
PS: am not α child anymore,am 22 o!

Mr 2buff, thank you for preparing 99.9% of the email i have been thinking of sending to my father. You captured our relationship in 3 BRILLIANT posts (ironically, your example is what i am going through right now lol).

naanxie: I wish my parents would just read this! My mum especially! My dad has always told us right from my second schl days,that he has done his part and its time to live our lives! He respects our decisions! But mumsy ehn!chai! That woman can worry! Of recent she was tellin me i dnt tell her stuffs and i said yes,cos u'r too judjmental and she has this habit of going off point sometimes! Mumsy still wants to control everybdy,imagine her tellin my elder brothers to go and shave or change theri hair-cut styles i guess she's jst being α mother but abeg,we need α breather! I guess cos we still dey her house sha!
PS: am not α child anymore,am 22 o!

unfortunately as long as you live in her house, she has the right to control you.

I love the "carried you for 9 months" part. This is an emotional backlash as if the baby had a say in his/her coming.

@Most:
@op
you really vented. Ar u wrtg somwat from personal xperience?
Thank God for d internet and d opportunity, its given ppl to air their minds. The world as a whole has suffered 2 long frm oppresion of truth.
I wantd to create a post titled: Parents d greatest Manipulators On Earth- based on personal experience and the charades i see played out in society. Some of these set of ppl called parents are outright devils. Satanic tools of manipulaton. And som hav wrecked their childrens destinies.
Their atrocities ar always justified because theyr parents. Parents like ive seen want docile goats dat obey them unquestioningly, wen yung som children hav been drilld to obey mum n dad either thru merciless beatg , still is d case in som homes.
Or shame/guilt inducemnt :
harrasment. Disgracg child in public etc.
Threateng child either with disownment(removg name
Especially in afrca, this satanic culture is accepted as d norm,
some mothers will stupidly try 2 use d pregnancy thng to manipulate.. (i carried u for 9 months. I cud hav divorced u bla bla bla )...
If u ddnt hav a child u'd b puttg in prayer requests and calling God unjust.

-

naanxie: I wish my parents would just read this! My mum especially! My dad has always told us right from my second schl days,that he has done his part and its time to live our lives! He respects our decisions! But mumsy ehn!chai! That woman can worry! Of recent she was tellin me i dnt tell her stuffs and i said yes,cos u'r too judjmental and she has this habit of going off point sometimes! Mumsy still wants to control everybdy,imagine her tellin my elder brothers to go and shave or change theri hair-cut styles i guess she's jst being α mother but abeg,we need α breather! I guess cos we still dey her house sha!
PS: am not α child anymore,am 22 o!

If you want to show her that you're all grown then you should beliving in your own house. As long as you live in her house, she lords over you.