Hi peeps.I was watching this programme on TV where they were debating a research that concluded that kids from Homes where the parents are married tend to do better in Life than those whose parents were not.Note it was not the normal single vs two parent debate but rather those co-habiting and those who were officially married.As normal for such programmes,you had the expert and people from both sides of the debate i.e. married folks and co-habiting partners.The married folks were married for 10 years and the co-habiting folks had been together for 16 yrs and had teenage kids.The arguments on both sides prompted me to open up this topic.

I am quite a traditionalist when it comes to marriage and could not see myslef living with a man am not married to.I often joke with my husband that it would be difficult for him to get rid of me cos we got married in all the ways possible(nikkah,registry,traditional and church).I was raised that way and i know my mum used to fight her female relatives who moved in with men that had not done the proper thing.I had this colleague at work(white lady) who has been living with her partner for years,like 10 i think.They have kids,a mortage and generally seem to be quite happy.I asked her if she never felt they should marry and she was like they are happy as they are and marriage is just a piece of paper.I always felt it odd and maybe cos we africans are quite legalistic i just thought this oyinbo peeps sef.

But that programme though not changing my views has made me question that maybe am just being rigid about the whole thing.Or just being Nigerian.The couple on the programme argument(not too sure about that sha)kept emphasising that a certificate does not define their relationship and countered the married couple(christian) to show where adam and eve got married and got a piece of paper.I know people who married and divorced in less than a yr so that definitely proves that marrying someone does not automatically equate happy relationship.The ummarried couple kept insisting that they are as committed as married folks to making their relationship work but the typical nigerian in me kept asking then why not just make it legal then?Or maybe cos i have been trained to believe if a man has not paid your bride price and married you properly(to my mum sef registry is not proper,she hounded my aunty to do engagement last yr after 11 yrs and 2 kids) he cant respect you.So many questions that debate threw up for me.


So guys,whats your take?Is Marriage ie getting married really just the certificate or making it legal.Though i am christian and i still beleive that you should marry as its a convenant in the eyes of God, i would also like to hear views not wholly coloured by religion.

chaircover: Long time dami how are you doing?

Cant write much as im rushing off, but I dont see marriage as a piece of paper. It goes a lot deeper than that. I also think that the commitment in marriage is more than if you just lived together with a man. I think that you will work harder at the marriage when problems occur and problems do occur in marriages as is with other relationships, but You will think about all the people that came to your wedding and all the
vows that you made to each other before just packing your suitcase and leaving

Lets also rememebr that marriage is held very highly in our culture and like you said about your mum, women that just go off and live with men are not given due respect within the mans family and even their own families.

Marriage also gives you a sense of belonging. You know that you are at your last bus stop and so you invest into it. Living together with a man to me will feel as if I have one leg in and one leg out and that anything can happen. In short I wont feel so settled.

Then we have the names. Maybe Im a traditionalist but I dont feel the Miss Abc mother of Miss xyz on documents
. . . thats just me.

But seriously speaking, personally I will fight more for a cause that I know will take me more to undo, than something as easy as me being able to pack a suitcase and walk out of the door

You also have to remember that many people here in the UK dont marry for financial reasons. Many claim more benefit as single mothers than if they go and get married and many cant even afford to get married. A proper sit down meal in a decent hotel is no less than £50 per head and this is not like Nigeria where many a time family chip in towards wedding costs. here the bride and groom have to foot the whole bill and for some, they will rather spend that kind of money on a holiday of a lifetime.

Fine thank you o Madam CC we thank God for his mercies. back at you.


I dont see marriage as a piece of paper either.To me its much deeper than just the wedding or certificate.Its choosing to fuse your life with someone else's and become one unit.You work together to keep the relationship afloat and stay comitted to it like a cause you believe in.
I get all the inferences you have made and all but my questions and why I created the topic comes from things I have observed.Eg For some people its not just about the money (kourtney kardashian comes to mind not a good example I know cos she has major issues but she is the one famous person I can think of for now) its like they are in a comfortable and happy place in the relationship and just feel why get married when even married people cant gurantee happiness and divorce all the time.Why should someone who is unhappy in her marriage feel superior to someone in a common law partnership simply because she bears MRS? Are people like us not likely being sentimental about marriage as an instituition mainly because of our religious and cultural beliefs?

It can be a mere piece of paper and it can be more....

depends on the 2 people involved ...after nikkah, reggistry and church they should then gum them together....it could still be a piece of blooody paper except they geniunely love eachother and wish for each other to grow in all aspects of life

I believe in soul mates !

Reserving this spot. Hello Damo.



OP,
I think whatever works for the couple. Some people dont like commitments, and are perfectly okay co-habitating. Some will rather be partners without kids sef. As long as both people dont mind, then i think they have the right to do what they want. However, i think for most people who go the legal route. The idea is to have their kids and them seen as legal in the eyes of the law and in God. As we know in relationships, people can just wake up and say they have had enough. They are not compelled to work at it, or really have anything binding them to such a relationship. In a lot of countries, illegal children are entitled to nothing. Zip, zilch, non.

OP Thats your friend at work in some places is already in a marriage without the ceremony

Here if you cohabit with a man for 5yrs its already a common law marriage and in case of separation she has the same rights as a married couple

Maybe thats why she isnt worried

Is education just a certificate or more than that?

If marriage is just a piece of paper why are they afraid to get it?

baby_123: Reserving this spot. Hello Damo.

Hello Baby

dayokanu: OP Thats your friend at work in some places is already in a marriage without the ceremony

Here if you cohabit with a man for 5yrs its already a common law marriage and in case of separation she has the same rights as a married couple

Maybe thats why she isnt worried

I think its the same here.Common law partners have almost the same rights as married people.Not too sure how it works.

jmoore: Is education just a certificate or more than that?

Uhhhm education is more than the certificate but you will agree that loads of people have the certificate and are not really educated in the real sense of it.

My view is simple - the certificate represents the formal/official commitment, no buts or maybes. For me, it validates the huband/wife relationship/commitment and all that it entails.

damiso:
Hi peeps.I was watching this programme on TV where they were debating a research that concluded that kids from Homes where the parents are married tend to do better in Life than those whose parents were not.Note it was not the normal single vs two parent debate but rather those co-habiting and those who were officially married.As normal for such programmes,you had the expert and people from both sides of the debate i.e. married folks and co-habiting partners.The married folks were married for 10 years and the co-habiting folks had been together for 16 yrs and had teenage kids.The arguments on both sides prompted me to open up this topic.

I am quite a traditionalist when it comes to marriage and could not see myslef living with a man am not married to. I often joke with my husband that it would be difficult for him to get rid of me cos we got married in all the ways
possible (nikkah,registry,traditional and church). I was raised that way and i know my mum used to fight her female relatives who moved in with men that had not done the proper thing.I had this colleague at work(white lady) who has been living with her partner for years,like 10 i think.They have kids,a mortage and generally seem to be quite happy.I asked her if she never felt they should marry and she was like they are happy as they are and marriage is just a piece of paper.I always felt it odd and maybe cos we africans are quite legalistic i just thought this oyinbo peeps sef.

But that programme though not changing my views has made me question that maybe am just being rigid about the whole thing.Or just being Nigerian.The couple on the programme argument(not too sure about that sha)kept emphasising that a certificate does not define their relationship and countered the married couple(christian) to show where adam and eve got married and got a piece of paper.I know people who married and divorced in less than a yr so that definitely proves that marrying someone does not automatically equate happy relationship.The ummarried couple kept insisting that they are as committed as married folks to making their relationship work but the typical nigerian in me kept asking then why not just make it legal then?Or maybe cos i have been trained to believe if a man has not paid your bride price and married you properly(to my mum sef registry is not proper,she hounded my aunty to do engagement last yr after 11 yrs and 2 kids) he cant respect you.So many questions that debate threw up for me.


So guys,whats your take?Is Marriage ie getting married really just the certificate or making it legal.Though i am christian and i still beleive that you should marry as its a convenant in the eyes of God, i would also like to hear views not wholly coloured by religion.

Bump.

Insightful.

Marriage is a social construct that sharply varies from one culture to another. Happiness and family
cohesion should be the keywords in co-habitation or marriage.