Giving people due praise in Nigeria is as rare as finding a three-breasted woman, which is why Sanni Abacha still doesn’t get his due praise as devil incarnate and Turai Yar’Adua as Lady Macbeth reloaded. A single woman held us all by our balls (insert image of all our balls in her hands) and we tagged her as being just ambitious? 

Our inborn arrogance dictates that we naturally believe that we can do better than whatever anyone thinks he/she has accomplished. That is what it means to be Nigerian. I am the only exception to the rule; I am daily confounded by your recognition of my genius. It is the worthy praise that I constantly receive that has informed my decision to lay before you the solution to global warming, after laughing my prestigious black hairy ass off while watching pedestrian scientists make a fool of themselves by proposing kindergarten solutions to something any genius worth his weight in bags of garri, like me, would have dealt with in an instant. Mere mortals really should not overreach themselves.

First, the bare facts: Global warming is here and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. If you had any doubt, I’m sure the recent heat wave would have fried such doubt out of your brain: we had 46 degrees on some days in Lagos sometime ago and torrential rain that led to flooding followed. Great stuff. Half of the heat in hell + half the flood that rocked Noah’s ark…really great stuff. The earth can’t be saved, no matter what you do. You may break all the yellow bulbs in your house and your street, eat grass, walk everywhere (preferably naked) instead of driving, grow a tree on your head…we are still doomed! Apparently, water expands when heated. With the kind of sunlight we’ve had recently (I saw a policeman’s brain melt out through his ears at Obalende.

Just enough to fill a teaspoon though, seeing that he was a Nigerian policeman) the Atlantic shall soon expand and consume the whole of Victoria Island, except for Yellow Chilli: the food is too good and prices too moderate for a place like that to go down! I can’t wait to see offices and hotels go belly up, EKO Hotel, especially. $400 per night piece of crap! Someday soon, we all will come to the realisation that V.I is the biggest slum in Lagos; we already know that the biggest mosquitoes and rats live there. That Atlantic City place Fashola, Tinubu, the Chagourys and their cohorts are building is primed for a tsunami…you watch.

To stem the effect of all this and keep our dear Naija safe, we need to do the following:
1.         Move all residents of V.I, Lekki and such places to Sango-Ota. It is full of green fields, a welcome change from the concrete jungle of their pitiable existence.
2.         Since we are currently handing over everything to Dangote, we need to quickly hand over the Atlantic Ocean to him so he can bag all the salt and sell the water to us as pure water. This will ensure that there will be no future flooding.
3.         We must insist that all Pentecostal yearnings for the descent of heavenly fires must be stopped immediately. The advent of global warming dictates that calling fire on anybody, even enemies, is an irresponsible act capable of wrecking havoc on an already bad situation. Ice could be an alternative. ‘Ice, Ice, Ice…Father rain ice on my enemies!!!)
4.         Also, God has got to discard the idea of a hell. The idea of hell as a physical place has always been suspicious but global warming has made it expedient that God abandons the thought altogether. Since the ozone layer is all but destroyed and heaven/hell is supposedly above, we can’t have constant burning fire anywhere, much less above. God has to come up with a new plan to punish the damned.

Ideas, anyone? Please tweet your ideas to Him @GodAlmighty. I have said my own.

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