Hello house, please I need your candid opinion and advice. What do you think is wrong with this couple. I am the wife in question and talking or chatting with hubby usually degenerate into misunderstanding. The BBM chat below is just a sample of what I mean.

Background of this chat: It was on a Saturday and we had planned to pay a visit to a couple who just delivered a baby. Coincidentally, a church meeting was summoned for 11am and hubby was to go while I do other things. He was to go for this meeting and later pick me and our baby for the earlier scheduled visit. (Please note that a day before, our car broke down and hubby worked on it, he was also talking about taking the car for servicing later). When it was 3pm and he was not back I called him to know where he was, he didn’t pick it but he replied via a BBM chat. The chat below is the mgs exchanged:

Hubby: Do other things b4 I come. Not through
Wife: Kk, but no other tins to be done o. Where r u?,Are you not thru wit d church meeting?
Hubby: Read
Wife: Where r u?
Hubby:I told u not through and u are asking where I am. Where did I say I was going to?
Wife: (the following emoticons were sent to him)
love
kiss:
love:
rose flower:
rose flower:
love
Hugs:
Hugs
Smile
winks
Kiss:
Love:
Gift:
gift

(At 4pm, he was not back)
Wife::Where r u now, still in church or at the mechanic?
Hubby: Did I at any point in time mentioned mechanic to u?
Wife: Relax bro God is in control and don't get worked up for nothing. Life is too short. (Hugs Hugs) .
Hubby: And who is getting worked up. If not that u just wanted to be silly. I asked u back where did I say I was going to. Instead of u to get d drift u remained stubbornly adamant and asked me where I am, haba

Wife (pointing out the negative words he used): Silly, stubbornly adamant (Emoticons- love,kiss,winks)
Wife: One good turn deserves another. It’s just that I remember how dis couple stood by us in our time, making several trips to d hospital and home even b4 d naming ceremony. During d naming nko? Who made most of d purchases? Dis may be d only time I'll have to say hello to them, it's really bad. Haba, God dey.
Wife: My asking you where u are is just to know whether you are on your way or not. It’s sad that such a simple question can generate such heat from you. It is well.
Hubby: I never knew you could be this senseless

Most conversations with him end like this. Communicating with him is really difficult as he takes offense at trivial things that many people will let go of or will not notice. He seems to be always defensive when I talk to him especially if I have a contrary opinion. To me I feel we don’t communicate except for normal day to day issues. I find it easier speaking with outsiders- family and friends as he is usually not receptive. I don’t like this situation and I am tired – It can really be so lonely even while married. This is just 2 years marriage o. What do you think is wrong and how can I help this situation? Thanks for your advice

HMMMM! my sister, pls relax. take it calm... two wrongs can never make a right

pls, try to call his attension to this, let him know dat u are not free with him
explain ur pains to him pls. nd tell him calmly...

Hmmm na wa

You will be the best person to ask him

Maybe evening after a good meal and some good loving..

Let him know how you feel and that you feel on edge when he talks to you like that

You don't want to undercut his authority or anything

Also for a while make a commitment with him that you want to talk to each other rather than bb as bb tends to be impersonal and cannot substitute a sweet loving voice

My own

It is well wit you

Go to the second family and pay your respect
Tell them hubby will come again

I guess alot is running through his mind kind of, and maybe you are not showing him listening ears to his problems or maybe HE didn't trust you enough to share is burden with kind of. Search yourself and look amend the cracks in your marriage. We men love to feel like an HERO,always convince him he's and make him free whenever you have the opportunity.
Take out of your little time and study his likes and dislikes, respect his wishes and PRAY to GOD.

Was he like this when you were courting or the other way round, please to time to study him more and if both of you are Christians, please tell it to God, He answers prayers.

Tell it to God first and not your friends.

I almost rolled over laughing.

My dear this happens to me from time to time.It has its seasons....Let me tell you my experience.

First- the question where are you?/Where are you going. ALWAYS brings out the worst in some men well let me just say my husband(hes the only one i know), for them you are trying to tie them to your apron strings. For my husband i dont think he has ever answered that question without a rude remark or insult. Moral of the story i have trained myself not to ask, if he wants to say where he is going fine if not fine. You cant tie a man down.

Second- A form of abuse. It is not only when you hit a woman that you abuse her. Insults and demeaning comments is a type of abuse. For some men that dont hit, this is a way out. They try to potray you as stuid, dumb e.t.c. In my own case he uses downright insults that if you ever try to use on a man they would call family meeting for you. I believe someone or something is biting them, it could range from money, external brainwashing(men in bearparlours/close male friends/controlling mothers)extended family concerns, work or job security concerns to another woman.They want to lash out their fustrations and the best outlet is the one who is 'under' them , their loving wives. In my own case, a warning solved this, at least for the time being, communication has been better for about a week Infact i didnt know the warning would work. i told him, he was being abusive and i didnt like it, that i didnt deserve it, that if he had things bothing him he shoulkd bring it up and share lets solve together and stop using me as a buffer. That he should be aware that a woman had a sharper mouth and it was out of respect i havent used it.


Third - Communication skills. IT took me time to understand that most times we were on different wavelenghts. Later when i understand his point of view it is like eureka...so thats what your meant or had in mind. So my dear, try to also listen more. When asking questions its to understand and not to challenge. Any thing that appears as a challenge would recieve a push back and degenerate to a quarel. Sometimes its not in your question but in your tone or body language.

Fourth - Continue with the petting, hugging, kissing e.t.c. have patience they would pay off in the end.

@OP, I am curious to know what happened in the end. Did he eventually return home on time for you lot to visit the other family? Did he explain what caused the delay?

I've got a fair idea on what's caused him responding to you the way he did, but I'd like to get your response to my questions first.

Oh dear!!!!
You really are a very patient woman!!
Thumbs up!!!

I noticed how much you made an attempt to keep him calm with all the emoticons and stuff you kept sending to him!! Not many women in your shoes will remain that cool after his rude throw backs!!!

Like someone had earlier said, I think something might be eating him up!
Work ur magic into letting him tell you what is wrong!!! I guess he wasn't like this before u married him!!

Wish you all the best in your effort!!
Remain sweet, all will be well.!!!

modele2:
Infact i didnt know the warning would work. i told him, he was being abusive and i didnt like it, that i didnt deserve it, that if he had things bothing him he shoulkd bring it up and share lets solve together and stop using me as a buffer. That he should be aware that a woman had a sharper mouth and it was out of respect i havent used it.


Third - Communication skills. IT took me time to understand that most times we were on different wavelenghts. Later when i understand his point of view it is like eureka...so thats what your meant or had in mind. So my dear, try to also listen more. When asking questions its to understand and not to challenge. Any thing that appears as a challenge would recieve a push back and degenerate to a quarel. Sometimes its not in your question but in your tone or body language.

Fourth - have patience they would pay off in the end.

I like the bolded. @Op, that is tutorial from someone with similar experience... You need to communicate and have a good discussion with your husband about this issue. I am sure he will change if you both communicate and not just be chatting.

Averagely, men hate being monitored. While I was growing up till I left my mum, the question I hated most from her then is "where are you going.." I just always have this natural repulsion towards it. Your husband may not like his movement being monitored. Although, that shouldn't generate such response from him.

You know your husband well, talk with him and express your grievances.

It is well with you

Funny enough lots of aggressive men don't mean a thing. deep down they are like a lamb. I like the way u handled it, keep it up. Men are also complex beings even though they don't go through hormonal issues.

Thanks for the responses.
@Modele - This is just an example of what communicating with him is like.I don't monitor him and his movement is quite predictable. I was just asking that question because of our initial plan and agreement. Thank you for sharing your experience, I have learnt one or two things from it.

@Biolabee, - hmmm. For now it's like our communication via BB is better o. I know this should not be so though. He is the type that raises his voice when talking to me. So if we are just discussing, his tone sounds as if we quarreling or arguing. If I point it out, he may shout more or few times adjust.

@Baba Oyo - I have to admit that it is not at all times I am that patient sha. His responses can be very annoying and if I point it out he never agrees and would blame me for one thing or the other. He feels it is his place to correct and he does not see himself as being wrong no matter what.

@Efemana- the end was not good. He got home by 4:30 with no explanation or apology. Came home with a take away (I presumed was shared at the meeting). While he was eating I jokingly brought a spoon that I was also interested in the food, he shouted back at me that I was disturbing him. On our way to the the couple's place, I told him I didnt like his responses and in his usual way he started shouting back at me. He called me some names and I replied him (eg he said I was a fool and I replied that that makes him the husband of a fool etc). I know that I should have handled it better but I was also angry.

In all of this, he believes I am always 100% wrong and he is 100%right. I guess I will try to over look his tone and shabby/sharp way of talking.

adetoks2010:

@Efemana- the end was not good. He got home by 4:30 with no explanation or apology. Came home with a take away (I presumed was shared at the meeting). While he was eating I jokingly brought a spoon that I was also interested in the food, he shouted back at me that I was disturbing him. On our way to the the couple's place, I told him I didnt like his responses and in his usual way he started shouting back at me. He called me some names and I replied him (eg he said I was a fool and I replied that that makes him the husband of a fool etc). I know that I should have handled it better but I was also angry.

In all of this, he believes I am always 100% wrong and he is 100%right. I guess I will try to over look his tone and shabby/sharp way of talking.

Na wa o!

Not really sure what advice I can give here, but I'll try...

I think, you're hubby's response to you when he got home was a carry over of the bad mood he already was in. I know majority of the time we advice couples to communicate, communicate and communicate some more with each other so as to clear the air. When courting / dating him, did you notice this was his usual manner of relating to you?

If it was, then you do know that you were at fault for not taking corrective measures then - to let him know you weren't happy with it, and seeing if he could work on his attitude towards you. If on the other hand, this isn't his usual way of relating to you, then even better. It could mean that he had a really stressful day and was taking it out on you. (Not an excuse, I know).

Sometimes, it's best to give your spouse some breathing space. At least till he's calmed down enough or maybe till he approaches you. (Take note, I'm not advocating that you keep malice with him). You're married to him so you of all people should understand his moods better. If you see that he's getting uptight with you (i.e clipped responses, irritability, etc), calmly walk away from him to another room preferably. Get yourself busy. Household chores, looking after your baby, or even go read a book or something. Allow him breathe. When he's much calmer and in a better mood to talk, gently approach the subject about his way of talking to you and how it's made you feel (upset, eroding your self esteem, etc).

Make sure while he's talking, you don't interrupt him, no matter what he says. Let him bring it all out. When he's done, take a deep breath and in a calm, even voice, tell him what your own grievances are. Try not to argue with him, raise your voice and definitely no insults or retorts. Yes, I know you mentioned that you lashed back at him because you were angry but as you can see, it only made matters worse.

Sometimes, it takes super human effort to swallow an insult and not let go. If you notice he's getting verbally abusive, kindly let him know that you won't be discussing the matter any further until he calms down and addresses you in a more respectful manner. If he doesn't take heed and continues, then make sure you keep quiet. Responding to him will only fuel the matter.

No marriage is easy, but it takes time, patience and perseverance to make it work. As long as he isn't physically abusive to you, keep trying to make it work. Kudos to you for being patient with him so far and don't give up.

It is well.

Hmmmmmmmmmm.....Reading your post, you just described my EX....If you were not married I would have said we dated the same man.
My dear, You are a good woman..from your chat, I can say you have Grace..
All I can say is that just pray to GOD, because from what I went through with my EX for four years, I can't wish that to my enemy.
If you were just dating I would have said RUN FOR YOUR SOUL NOT LIFE, because if you continue like this you'll still be alive but your soul will be dead.

My dear, All I can say is PRAY because the more you try to talk the worse it becomes. I was a victim of this for four years. You are even better than me in handling the discussions.

All is well..

Efemena_xy, you've spoken well.I wish your words bear fruits. I just hope her situation changes.

modele2:
Third - Communication skills. IT took me time to understand that most times we were on different wavelenghts. Later when i understand his point of view it is like eureka...so thats what your meant or had in mind.

This is what I see as this couple's problem. You don't 'get' each other. Husband is probably the sharper of the two and so finding it difficult to communicate on her own level and that leads to his impatience. That's why it's easier for you to communicate via text because it's all clearly spelled out there. Harsh as this may sound, OP you may need to sharpen your mind, your wit et al for things to improve. He's got to see you in a new light and not as a 'fool' or 'as a stubborn person who didn't get what he meant the first time'. Develop new interests, be spontaneous, read books. Learn to understand non verbal cues, develop a keen sense of humor.

*I may be wrong, but this is what I'm sensing.*

^^ Ile, even if that were the case, it's no excuse for her man to talk down to her in such a manner. It's disrespectful and if he continues at it, will only succeed in eroding her self confidence.

Besides, did he not know all that before marrying her? If indeed he is the sharper if the two, he should be smart enough to realise she is human and is hurting.

She comes across as a non-confrontational person, trying very hard to be submissive to her man. The least he can do is meet her halfway and be a bit more understanding and respectful.

No one deserves to be called a f00l. Some men sha.

Efe has some good points..

Hmmm...

What I can just add is obtain clarifications clearly before u do anything so u do it right once


It is well

ileobatojo:

This is what I see as this couple's problem. You don't 'get' each other. Husband is probably the sharper of the two and so finding it difficult to communicate on her own level and that leads to his impatience. That's why it's easier for you to communicate via text because it's all clearly spelled out there. Harsh as this may sound, OP you may need to sharpen your mind, your wit et al for things to improve. He's got to see you in a new light and not as a 'fool' or 'as a stubborn person who didn't get what he meant the first time'. Develop new interests, be spontaneous, read books. Learn to understand non verbal cues, develop a keen sense of humor.

*I may be wrong, but this is what I'm sensing.*

Sadly the op used to be all of those, but had to suppress her own personality to suit the husband. Atleast that's what I gathered from her previous thread. This is a thread opened by the husband last year. please read thru.
https://www.nairaland.com/1011119/what#11719308

Efemena_xy: ^^ Ile, even if that were the case, it's no excuse for her man to talk down to her in such a manner. It's disrespectful and if he continues at it, will only succeed in eroding her self confidence.

Besides, did he not know all that before marrying her? If indeed he is the sharper if the two, he should be smart enough to realise she is human and is hurting.

She comes across as a non-confrontational person, trying very hard to be submissive to her man. The least he can do is meet her halfway and be a bit more understanding and respectful.

No one deserves to be called a f00l. Some men sha.

I completely agree.

Will y'all spare me 'was he like this when you're courting?' over flogged safe but weak line??

ileobatojo:

This is what I see as this couple's problem. You don't 'get' each other. Husband is probably the sharper of the two and so finding it difficult to communicate on her own level and that leads to his impatience. That's why it's easier for you to communicate via text because it's all clearly spelled out there. Harsh as this may sound, OP you may need to sharpen your mind, your wit et al for things to improve. He's got to see you in a new light and not as a 'fool' or 'as a stubborn person who didn't get what he meant the first time'. Develop new interests, be spontaneous, read books. Learn to understand non verbal cues, develop a keen sense of humor.

*I may be wrong, but this is what I'm sensing.*

You sensed right, Your head dey there jare.

Because you married a man on same level doesn't mean he will stay on that level forever, intelligent people develop and aim higher..... move and develop with him, stop living in ol' time dating fantasy . Some people just don't get it


Talk her down Efe ?, I dey laugh, so you actually think OP was all quite and the good one here just cause of what she typed here. You're fooled.

@Topic, there's nothing wrong with you, you just need to get it that's all.

jidegirl12: Will y'all spare me 'was he like this when you're courting?' over flogged safe but weak line??



You sensed right, Your head dey there jare.

Because you married a man on same level doesn't mean he will stay on that level forever, intelligent people develop and aim higher..... move and develop with him, stop living in ol' time dating fantasy . Some people just don't get it


Talk her down Efe ?, I dey laugh, so you actually think OP was all quite and the good one here just cause of what she typed here. You're fooled.

Okay, Jide.

So what's your advice to her? She came here soliciting for help. What do you suggest she does?

Her man from what I get here is quick tempered and sharp with his tongue. You want her to adopt a gra-gra approach and match him fire-for-fire?

Is that it? Cos I fail to get your point.

honey86:
Sadly the op used to be all of those, but had to suppress her own personality to suit the husband. Atleast that's what I gathered from her previous thread. This is a thread opened by the husband last year. please read thru.
https://www.nairaland.com/1011119/what#11719308

Wow! You're right. It seems like it may be the other way around! The OP is the lively, chatty, spontaneous one and the husband is overcompensating and trying to forcefully exert control? Sorry o people. Whichever it is, make una try find a middle ground somewhere o where everyone gets to retain a good portion of their own personality jare!

^^ Lmao!

Efe I'm not a gra gra woman, I'm a submissive and supportive wife and I got that in return from him.

You won't get my point. Leave it there.

jidegirl12: ^^ Lmao!

*Ahem* Welcome back from your suntanning vacation.

Why you dey laugh?

Now I'm confused...@poster please you and your hubby should take your family affair out of nairaland.

It's not healthy for your family..
After reading the older post, I would haave sworn your husband had a twin because I had that same 'setting the table' issue with my EX..

@efe, tanks for your advice. I actually noticed this trait in him while courting and I called his attention to it. He promised that he won't talk to me that way. He talks to his siblings like that sometimes especially wen he is angry but I am not ready to accept that.

@ileobatojo, that is not the issue here. The truth is he has a mindset that I like challenging him, not submissive etc. I don't know why he feels challenged by my person. Fine, I may be the main financier of the home but that should not be a reason for his reactions. Sometimes I feel if things are working better for him, he won't be this irritable.

I remember that thread.

@op, if you both really want to make a go of it, I suggest seeking out the services of a good, independent marriage councellor.

It is well.

My dear, it is well..go see a marriage counsellor fast...

adetoks2010:
@ileobatojo, that is not the issue here. The truth is he has a mindset that I like challenging him, not submissive etc. I don't know why he feels challenged by my person. Fine, I may be the main financier of the home but that should not be a reason for his reactions. Sometimes I feel if things are working better for him, he won't be this irritable.

Yeah, I saw that from the old post and already made the correction. And yes, the bolded likely contributes a lot to his reactions coupled with the fact that he doesn't seem to believe it's a woman's place to offer any contrary opinion to her husband's or challenge or correct him in anyway.

Good luck.

This is pure emotional abuse and most ppl telling her to calm down, massage him, feed him etc.

Na wah, most nigerian marriages na slave master relationship.

OP, i think u are at disadvantage here and he doesnt respect u enough. Marriage is a 2 way thing. Just ignor him and make urself happy. U will surely come around. All dis petting will likely piss him off!

shirley whyte: Now I'm confused...@poster please you and your hubby should take your family affair out of nairaland.

It's not healthy for your family..
After reading the older post, I would haave sworn your husband had a twin because I had that same 'setting the table' issue with my EX..

Maybe ur EX is her husband . Small world!