OLD BUT GOLD
Mr and Mrs Akpors at a zoo walk past a gorillaenclosure.
Mrs Akpors: Sweetheart, do u know that gorillas are the only animals that behave likemen? Look (seeing that no one is watching, she exposes one of her breasts)Sure enough,the gorilla gets excited & grabs the bars
of d enclosure as if it wantedto break free.
Mrs Akpors: See, now I knowwhy u react the way u
do; men can't control their instincts just like gorillas
can't...Men & gorillas are the
same.
Mr Akpors: Wow.. now expose both breast & see what
happens. (So she exposes both breasts to d gorilla & itgets very excited dat it wantto escape from d enclosure)
Mr Akpors: dis is incredible, now pull ur skirt up, turn
around, expose ur bum & let's see wat happens. (d woman did exactly & dis time, d gorilla breaks free
frm d enclosure, grabs Mrs Akpors and starts yanking her clothes off)
Mrs Akpors[yells]: Dear..wat do I do now? Plz help
me!
Mr Akpors: Nw, tell him u're in ur period, u av a headache or u're nt in mood,n let's see if Gorillas n
Men are really d same

Flat Belly
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly
dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and
goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks,"What were you and Dad
doing?"
The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a bigbelly and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.""You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled."Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it right back up."

Three rats were proving that they were strong.The first rat danced AZONTO on a trap,THE SECOND rat ate poison and did not die and the THIRD rat said a cat pregnated him.WHICH RAT IS THE STRONGEST
two birds named I LOVE U and U LOVE ME live in a house.U LOVE ME flew away.who is in the house..................

A ladies inbox....1(BRIGHT)helo gal i ve bieng trying ur numba butits nt goin,i just want to let uknow dat i love u..2(DAVE)just give me a chance i promise i wont fail upls..3(COLLINS)i will be goin clubing do u mind to join me...4(ALHAJI)send me ur account numba...5(CHEIF)i will love 2 see u again i rily enjoyed last nite...6(CHRIS)plsdont do dis to me just let me kiss u just once........A GUYS INBOX....1(CHICHI.,sister)pls send me money 4 my waec exams its just 18000 naira...2(BLESSING)dont call dis line again...3(LANDLORD)pay ur rent b4 weekend cus ur money is due or u will be trown out of d house afta d wk...4(MOTHER)my son our money 4 feedin is almost finishd pls send anoda one or we die of hunger...5(neighbours daughte)i missd my period last week...6(FATHER)am in d hospital now,i need money 4 kidney operation,120000 is needed,bring it b4 2morow or u can keep d money 4 my burial.

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note – romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he bought a pair
of white gloves; the youngersister purchased a pair of panties for
herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items andthe sister
got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and
mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:
Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long
ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to
remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from
showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three
weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me
and she looked really smart.
I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no
doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a
chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love,
Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing

1. Someone calls you at 2
a.m in
the mid-night and
ask you, are you
sleeping?
Answer: no, I'm picking
beans to cook.
2. When its raining and
someone
notices you going
out, yet they ask; are
you going
out in this rain?
Answer: no, in the next
one.
3. You're making out with
a girl,
then you start
pulling her pants then she
asks;
what are you tryin
to do?
Answer: i want to wash
them
for you.
4. They see you coming
out of
the bathroom, wet;
did you just have a bath?
Answer:
no, i fell into the
toilet bowl.
5. You standing right in
front of
the elevator on the
ground floor going to
your office,
yet they ask; going
up?
Answer: no, i'm waiting
for
my
office to come down
and get me.
6. Your boyfriend comes
home
with a bunch of
flowers, and you still ask
him; are
those flowers?
Answer :no baby, they're
carrots!
7. You're in the toilet and
you
locked the door,
someone knocks on the
door
asking; is anyone
there?
Answer: No! it is shit that
locked
the door.lol
8. You're in queue at the
cinema
to buy tickets, a
friend sees you and
asks; what
are you doing here?
Answer: i'm here to pay
my
school fees!p Punk.
9. When people see you
lying
down with your eyes
closed, they still ask; are
you
sleeping?
Answer:No, I'm practising
to
die. hiss
10. You are cleaning ur
room
with a brush and
someone
ask's
are u sweeping?
Answer: No, am teaching
the
brush how to dance..

A nigeria lady got married to a chinese guy, and gave birth to a son, d baby died after 5days. Her aunt started cryin sayin; l knew it, i knew it. A relative tuk her 2 a corna and ask her wat she meant by she knw it.she said . I no say china product no dey last, u no dey see their phones?

An Aboki man and an Igbo man went to an ATM machine to withdraw money....While the aboki man was withdrawing, the igbo man said, ''aboki u be mumu o!.... Idon see ur password, your password na four x (****)''.
The aboki laughed at him and said, ''na u be mumu, mypassword na 5298 no be four x!!!

u rili tried. Lol. Kp dem comin

An English Language teacherasked one of the students inhis class if he had done the exercise given to the class in the subject the previous week. The whole class was later engrossed in a grammatical battle as the teacher was not happy at the answer given by the students. This is how it goes:
Peace: I hadn"t done it.
Teacher: Stupid student, canyou correct her Emma?
Emma: I haven"t did it.
Teacher: oh! Stupider student who can say the right sentence?
Justice: I hadn"t do it.
Teacher: Stupidiet of them all. The correct sentence: I wasn"t do it.
Meanwhile, the school principal who was passing along overhead them and volunteered to help out.
Principal: Foolish students and teacher. The right sentence is I wasn"t done it.

one rich mama has one houseboy and she also has one cat,she name the enough.one day enough was missing ,the houseboy and mama were looking for enough.they were all shouting enough,enough,enough.The mama bent down looking for enough and the houseboy also bent down looking for enough,under the bed,unfortunately,the houseboy saw the mama"s hug breast.the mama shouted at the housebnoy"have you see enough the houseboy reply to her madam,l have see more that enough.

A pastor of a big church preached on sunday that everybody should love themselves and there were two teenegers of the same house and a girl who happened to be a pastor"s daughter heard the messageand agreed to go to bed withthe guy who has been looking for chance for a longtime.... what happened thenafter? watchout!

IF U WANT TO BE ANGRY WATCH OBASANJO TALK. IF U WANT TO FEEL SLEEPL LISTEN TO JONATHAN'S SPEECHES.IF U NEED GOOD COMEDY,TUNE TO DORA AKUNYILI"S REBRANDING. IF U ARE ALLERGIC TO LIES, AVOID AONDOAKA AND FARIDA"S ANTI CORRUPTION CRUSADE. IF U HAVE KIDS LEARNING GOOD ENGLISH AVOID TURAI, YAR ADUA"S WIFE WHEN SHE SPEAKS!

An aeroplane is flying over the United States at night. The pilot says "Ladies and Gentlemen, the plane is losing altitude and all the baggage must be thrown out." A little later, the pilot says "We"re still losing altitude, we must throw anything out that is in the cabin". Despite more things being thrown out the plane continues its descend. (Pilot)"Still going down - we must throw out some people". There"s a big gasp from the passengers! (Pilot) "But to make this fair passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order... so A.... any Africans on board?" No one moves. (Pilot) "B...any Blacks on board?" No one moves. (Pilot) "C....any Caribbean"s on board?" Still no one moves. (Little black boy - asking his dad) "Dad,...what are we?" (Dad)"Tonight son, we are the Zulus!

a man went to see his doctorfor a blood test. as he was coming out of the doctor`s office, he burst into tears. another man who was at the reception, also waiting for the doctor asked him what happened, the man said the doctor mistakenly cut off his finger while drawing blood from his hand. the man at thereception started crying seriously and when asked what the matter was, he saidhe`s waiting to see the samedoctor for a urine test!

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joinedthe army. But, wait a minute!! said z listener, wont she have to dress with the boys,and shower with them too? sure, sure replied z man. so wont they find out? The speaker laugh, and who`s gonna tell?

A man went to his pastor andtold him he was a sinner andthat he would never get to heaven. The pastor asked him what made him think so and that there was no sin bigger than forgiveness. The man responded that he had slept with almost every living female in the church. The pastor asked him not to worry that he(the pastor) was doing the same thing. They agreed to meet at the church entrance the next sunday to know the ladies the"ve both slept with and the number of times. If you slept with a lady once you say "keu". if you slept with her twice, you say "ke, keu"three times you say "ke, ke,keu" and so on.
The next sunday, they met as agreed.
The choir mistress approached
pastor: :"ke,ke,keu"
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
A female choir member approached
pastor:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
Another female choir memberapproached
pastor:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
Pastor"s 14 years old daughter approached. pastorwas silent
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
Pastor looked at him disgustingly. He became furious. Then pastor"s wife approached. The pastor waslooking at him angrily. The man didin"t bother
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu"
pastor was not able to breathe again, he was waiting for his mother to pass. And as she approached, the man responded
man:"ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,ke,keu!"
The pastor looked at him and said " there is no way you can make heaven. your sin is beyond redemption and now, i"m expelling you from this church you agent of the devil!"
The man looked at him and said " you see what i"m saying? Thanks for the expulsion, i earned it."

One night, after a couple hadretired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outsideof her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote.

A Nigerian youngster who was visiting the United Kingdom for the first time was taken to the London zoofor sightseeing. On getting tothe section where monkeys are kept, he was amazed to see other tourists giving outplenty of money to the monkeys that were hopping around doing acrobatics. Themore the acrobatics, the more the tourists enjoyed the show and the more the money (hard currency) the monkeys got.
This young man suddenly had an idea and when he gotback to Nigeria, he started learning all kinds of acrobatics. He visited his medicine man and asked for a portion that will transform him into a monkey.
During his next visit to London, he went into the zooand took the portion and was transformed into a monkey. He joined the other monkeys and started his own type of modern, systematic and attractive acrobatics. He soon caught the attention of all the tourists who wasted no time in showering him with plenty of pounds sterling. He was now making more money thanthe real monkeys.
The king of the monkeys didn"t like this and challenged the new monkey to an acrobatic duel. The contest was tough and very keen but the new monkey won. The king monkey had togo on exile in shame but before he left he set a trap for the intruding monkey whonow became the new king.
The next day, monkey business started as usual, with money coming in from the tourists. There was this particular tourist who really enjoyed the show that he threw a lot of money into thecage. The new king pocketedhis money but to his amazement all the other monkeys threw their earnings into the adjacent cage. The new king could notcomprehend this and would not allow all that money to goaway like that; so he jumpedinto the adjacent cage to pick up the money. It was only when he got there that he realized it was a lion"s cage.
The lion looked at him, looked at the money and roared and started toward the monkey who was now sweating, shaking and foaming in the mouth.
Half way, the lion suddenly stopped, looked at the monkey again and said:
"Oh boy, if no bi say we all na Naija, I for show you.

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkeyhad been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher) D onlyway to make the donkey go is to say "Hallelujah".
and d only way to make it stop is to say "Amen"
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediatelygot on the animal to try out the preacher"s instructions.
Hallelujah he shouted and immediately the donkey began to trot. Amen! shoutedd man and the donkey stopped immediately. This is great he said. With Halleujahhe rode off very proud of his purchase.
The man travelled for a longtime through some mountainssoon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.
STOP!!, He shouted., HALT hecried the donkey just kept going,
Oh, no..... Bible.... Church..... please stop! shouted the man, he was getting closer and closer to the edge of thecliff.
Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer "Please, dear God Please make this donkey stop before i go off this mountain, in Jesus nameAMEN. D donkey cam o an abrupt stop just one step fro the edge of the cliff.
HALLELUJAH shouted tha man.

Just 4 laugh
There was this priest who lived in a little village in Scotland. He had a small poultry close to the Parish house where he lived. One sunday morning he discovered that the cock hadgone missing he searched but couldn"t find it. He made up his mind to ask the congregation.
In the church he asked; Whohas seen a cock?
all the congregation raised up their hands, then he said i"m sorry,
but who has a cock? All the men raised their hands, oh no, i"m sorry that"s not whati mean.
then he asked again who has seen a cock that doesn"t belong to them?
some of the women raised their hands oh no he said.
then finally he asked who has seen my cock?
the Catechist and some af the choir boys raised their hands.

Nationality Test
1. You decide that the relationship with your partner is over. How do you break the news you are leaving?
(a) Leave a tearful note on the table and slip quietly away.
(b) Calmly discuss the reasons with your partner for your decision.
(c) Attack them with a chair infront of a rabble of cheering pumped-up inbreds on national television.
2. You and your mates decide to have a game of football in the park. What do you need to take?
(a) A ball.
(b) A ball and 2 coats.
(c) A ball, 50 crash helmets, 4 tons of body armour, 20 cheerleaders, a marching souzaphone band with a grand piano on a trolley, anda team of orthopaedic surgeons specialising in spinal injuries.
3. You are driving along a country road when you accidentally run over a rabbit. What do you do?
(a) Stop and see how badly injured it is, taking it to a vet if it is
still alive.
(b) Carry on driving, but hope it is still alive, or if not,that it died quickly.
(c) Strap it across the bonnet of your car and drivehome hollering, whooping and throwing empty Budweiser cans out of the window.
4. You wake up in the morning with a stiff neck after sleeping in an awkwardposition. What do you do?
(a) Ignore it. It will probably loosen up as the day progresses.
(b) Take a couple of aspirin and get on with things.
(c) Take yourself to a prostitute-addicted TV evangelist faith healer in an ill-fitting wig, who will lay his hands on you head, whilst screaming about the devil in front of an audience of gibbering inbreds.
5. What do you have for breakfast?
(a) A bowl of cornflakes, a slice of toast, and a mug of tea.
(b) A glass of orange juice, acroissant, and a cup of coffee.
(c) A bag of donuts with ice cream, a 32 ounce steak withsix eggs sunny side-up, fifteen pancakes with maple syrup, ten waffles, five corndogs and a diet root beer.
6. You and your partner decide to take the plunge and get married. What sort of ceremony do you have?
(a) A quiet party with a few friends in a registry office.
(b) A church service followedby a traditional reception at a hotel.
(c) A minute long mockery at a 24 hour drive-through chapel in Las Vegas, presided over by a transvestite vicar dressed as Elvis.
7. Your 14-year-old son is going through a difficult phase, becoming disruptive at school and reclusive at home. What do you do?
(a) Don"t worry. Its just a phase and will pass.
(b) Encourage him to get out more, get involved in team sports or join a youth club.
(c) Take him to an armoury and buy him an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons andenough ammunition to slaughter a small town.
8. Whilst getting ready for bed, you stub your toe on your wife"s dressing table. What do you do?
(a) Shout and swear a bit, after all, it did hurt.
(b) Make a mental note to move the table so it doesn"t happen again.
(c) Immediately call a hotshot lawyer with an uptown reputation, and sue you wife"s ass.
9. There are peace talks in another part of the world. What do you do?
(a) Let them get on with it, but offer your advice if needed.
(b) Let them get on with it and offer help to both sides.
(c) Ignore all parties wishes and protests, and take overthe talks.
10.There is a popular black leader in your country. Whatdo you do?
(a) Welcome him with open arms.
(b) Listen to what he has to say.
(c) Assassinate him.
11. There is a war in another part of the world, doyou:
(a) Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed and step in when necessary.
(b) Monitor to see if human rights are being infringed and bring the culprits to justice.
(c) Invade the country, flattening all buildings, and fire at all allied and enemy airplanes killing people no matter which side they"re on.
After all, a kill is a kill.
12. Your city has been the victim of a terrorist attack you should:
(a) Treat victims, clean up, and find those responsible.
(b) Treat victims, clean up, find those responsible and bring them tojustice.
(c) Treat victims, clean up and find those responsible, but continue to support and fund terrorist activities abroad.
Answers...
If you answered mostly (a)s& (b)s then you are a normal well balanced individual.
If you answered mostly (c)s then sorry, you are an American.

Holiday Banana Bread:
Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes,2 loving arms, 2 well shapedlegs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana
Cooking Instructions:
1 - Look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2 - Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3 - Squeeze & massage milkcontainers until the fur-linedmixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4 - Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5 - Lower nuts and sigh withrelief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6 - Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."
PLEASE NOTE: If bread rises,leave town.
Feel free to find me should urequire a break down or more directives on this. R E JO I C E!

14 February, Valentine"s day, dedicated to Saint Valentine.
25 December, Christmas day,dedicated to Jesus Christ
even June 12 is rememberedbcos of Abiola, then this April1...
Who is the fool that"s being remembered...
Even before seven o"clock that morning several people tried playing me fool, but it was too obvious "cos I was ery aware of the date. My question then was, why do so many people keep trying, and to who"s honour are they doing this. Ok if not honour, then to who"s remembrance.

i found this really funny and decided to share it with you lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don"t Do It!
Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.A loud sigh means she thinksyou are an
idiot and wonders why she iswasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That"s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That"s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you"re welcome.
Whatever:
Is women"s way of saying F@!K YOU!
Don"t worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What"s
wrong?" For the woman"s response refer to #3.

i found this really funny and decided to share it with you lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fine:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes:
If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing:
This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
Go Ahead:
This is a dare, not permission. Don"t Do It!
Loud Sigh:
This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men.A loud sigh means she thinksyou are an
idiot and wonders why she iswasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That"s Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That"s okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks:
A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you"re welcome.
Whatever:
Is women"s way of saying F@!K YOU!
Don"t worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What"s
wrong?" For the woman"s response refer to #3.

May God bless you as you read!!!
1. The Lord na my shephard,i dey gidigbaa.
2. E make me sidon for where betta dey flow and come put me
next to stream make mai bodi thermacool.
3. E panel beat mai soul comespray am white, come dey lead
me dey go through express road of righteousness sake of Hin
name.
4.
Walahi !, if I waka pass where arm robber, 419 and juju
people plenty,
come even join okada reach valley of the shadow of death
sef, mai bodi
dey inside cloth. Your rod and staff nko ? Na so dem dey
like back bone
dey comfort me.
5. You don prepare Egusi and Pounded yam with
plenty-plenty meat,fish and okporoko make I chop. All mai
enemies dey
look waa waa. You rub me for head wit vaseline intensive
lotion. Mai
cup na River Niger wey overflow hin bank.
6. True true, betta life and mercy go gum mai back till I
quench. And man pikin go tanda for God house from lai lai to
lai lai.
GOD ALMIGTHY NA U BIKO
AMEN.

A few months ago,there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.These highly classified positions are hard to fill,and there"s a lot of testing and background checks involved before anyone can be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,training and testing,they narrowed the possible choices down totwo men and a woman,but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see who amongst the three really qualifies for the extremely secretive job.The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to alarge metal door and handedhim a gun.
"We must know that you"ll follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances",they explained."Inside the room isyour wife sitting in a chair.Take this gun and kill her".
The man got a shocked look on his face and said,"You can"t be serious!I could never shoot my own wife!""Well said the CIA man,"You"re definitely not the right man for this job then".
So they brought the 2nd manto the same test,hand him a gun."We must know that you"ll follow instructions no matter the circumstances",they explained to the 2nd man."Inside you"ll find your wife sitting in a chair.Take this gun and kill her".
The second man looked a bitshocked,but nevertheless took the gun and went into the room.All was quiet for 5mins,then the door opened.The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes."I tried to shoot her,I just couldn"t pull the trigger.iguess I"m not the right man for the job"."No!" the CIA man replied,"You don"t havewhat it takes.Take your wife and go home".
Now it was the woman"s turn.The only one left for thetest.She was lead to the same door and handed her the same gun."We must be sure that you"ll follow instructions no matter the circumstances,this is your final test.Inside you"ll find your husband,take this gun and kill him".
The woman took the gun,opened the door and went in.Before the door closed all the way,the CIA men heard the gun go-off.One shot after the other for 13 rounds.They heard screaming,crashing,banging on the walls,etc.This went onfor several minutes,then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly,and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,"You guys didn"t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with chair!"

If Nigerian ladies were banks:
The tall slim ones would be called –Skye bank;
The robust and spacious ones–Oceanic bank;
The ones that move from one relationship to another–Intercontinental bank;
The silent but dangerous ones –FirstInland bank;
Those who are not cute yet they love being heard– BankPHB;
Those who stick to one man–Fidelity bank;
Those who seem caring yet debit you massively for every affection–UBA;
Those who go to any extent to make you sad–Zenith bank;
Those who are old yet they don’t realize they are no more in vogue–Union bank;
The brief and summarized ones–Micro Finance;
The huge ones that ‘’stand gidigba for ground’–Firstbank;
The beautiful, reserved and homely ones–Diamond Bank;
The ones that must spend their annual vacation abroadeven when their husband is broke–GTB,
all other ladies who don’t fit any of the criterias above are justATMs.

A pastor was travelling one night and was stopped on the highway by the nigerian policeman.the policeman asked for his particular and it was in order.he sought fora way of taking bribe and angrily asked-
POLICEMAN-why are travelling alone by this time of the night
PASTOR-no am travelling with ANGEL GABRIEL,ANGEL MICHAEL,ANGEL PHILIP,ANGEL PETER,ANGEL PAUL AND 10 OTHER ANGELS
The policeman quickly shouted-Common park.we are arresting you for carrying overload

Unavoidably, all domestic rules and regulations have been revised as
below and, under no circumstance is any violationallowed.
1. The Kitchen and all pantries are declared Restricted Zones.
Entry and/or passage shall require express permission from
myself upon submission of written request.
2. Breakfast is banned. This matter is not for discussion.
3. Such food items as rice, chicken, butter, jam, eggs, bread and
milk are Restricted. Anyone intending to eat
any of such food, must write to Me in triplicate, with three days
notice, giving convincing nutritional reasons backed by a qualified
dietician.
4. Watering with hoses is banned. Further, only food-giving plants
shall be watered. No lawns or flowers
shall receive water. For internal decoration, only plastic and
dry-flower arrangements shall be permitted.
5. Bathing in the morning is limited to 5 litres of water per day
per person while bathing in the evening is banned unless there are
medical reasons.
6. Security guards are being removed with immediate effect. All
dependants shall abide by an all-night
guard-duty roster I shall make available shortly.
7. No dependant shall entertain friends indoors, far less attempt to
offer food, drinks or even music. Those who
want their guests to listen tomusic shall sing for them.
8. No one is allowed to talk to officials from police, Council or
Court Bailiffs; doing so shall carry an instantaneous penalty of ejection
from The House.
9. Anybody who breaks a glass, furniture or any otherproperty in
The House, shall immediatelyhave to seek temporary employment somewhere
to earn money to replace such broken item(s)..
10. All visitors intending to spend a night/week or more shall apply
in triplicate and give two months notice,
with an endorsement from their town Mayor, Village Headman or Church
Priest, giving convincing reasons why they can"t stayhome. Failure to
do this shall result in their being turned away upon arrival.
11. Everybody shall do 5hours farm work in the family farm every week, exemption shall be
purely on health grounds & duely certified by a well known village native doctor
THESE RULES ARE BINDING AND NOT SUBJECT TO ANY DISCUSSION WHATSOEVER.
LETS ALL BE GIUDED.
Thank you.
FATHER OF DA HOUSE