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Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 8:22am On Apr 24, 2005
Submit your Nigerian (or '[I]Nigeria-nized[/I]') jokes here!

This is more or less a continuation of what Axeprince started on the popular MobileNigeria thread ('SMS's (Jokes,Rhymes,Love Poems et al').

Please, no obscenity or obscene language is allowed. Tribal or religious jokes are allowed, as long as they are not inflammatory. Comedians, feel free to post any joke you've invented on this thread, so you can get some feedback wink.

Thanks, and happy [I]joking[/I]!
Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 8:48am On Apr 24, 2005
A European pilot came to Nigeria and hired two local hunters to help him get some 'bush meat'. He dropped them in the forest in a chartered plane and returned a week later to pick them up.

He looked at the 'bush meat' they had shot. "There is no way the plane can take all this bush meat. We will have to leave a third of it behind."

"But we did it last year", the hunters insisted. "The pilot took the two of us and the same amount of bush meat in a plane just like yours"

The pilot hesitated, but then decided to take their word for it. "Well, if you did it last year, I suppose we can do it again this year."

The plane took off. As it approached a nearby mountain, it could not gain height. it crashed into the side of the mountain. The pilot and the hunters crawled out of the plane, dazed but glad to be alive.

"I wonder where we are," the pilot asked. One of the hunters looked around, "Don't worry, I think we are just 15 metres east of where we crashed last year."

1 Like

Re: Nigerian Jokes by dominobaby(f): 9:05am On Apr 25, 2005
Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable!" wink

2 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by whizkid(f): 4:50pm On Apr 25, 2005
I hope you enjoy reading this, it's a bit long but funny. Please enjoy.

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain (Boniface) welcoming you on board of Nigeria Airways. We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery. This is flight 126 to Lagos. Landing in Lagos is not guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in the south. If luck is in our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Nigeria Airways has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us!
It is with great pleasure; I announce that since starting this year over 50% of our passengers have reached their destination. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary Bongo tea and Okin biscuits! For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God!

We regret to inform you, that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But for our movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Al Barka, where their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this plane. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seatbelt. For those of you who can’t find a seatbelt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat …and for those of you who can’t find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to your suitcase."
Enjoy Nigeria Airways

4 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 6:14pm On Apr 25, 2005
Nice one, Trish! grin. While we're still on the issue of transportation here's another story:

A Lagosian pastor and his driver died in a car crash and went to heaven. Both of them were welcomed. The angel on duty showed the driver a 3-storey duplex of pure gold and said "this is your mansion". He showed the pastor a small wooden shed and said "this is your dwelling place!"

The pastor was confused. "I don't understand", he said. "Why should my driver get a golden duplex while all I get this wooden shed for eternity. I have been a faithful preacher for several years."

The angel replied, "when you preached, people slept. But whenever your driver drove, people cried to God!"
Re: Nigerian Jokes by diakim(m): 6:24pm On Apr 25, 2005
Nice one, Seun:

A man brought his elderly father on visit to Lagos from the village for the first time. After dinner, the son asked the father:

Son: "Father, should I bring you Coca-Cola?"
Father: (not knowing what Coca-Cola means), "You can bring the Kola now, but as for the Coca, you can keep it till later".
Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 6:49pm On Apr 25, 2005
grin And while we're on the issue of drinks.

Clarus went to Mama Put's shop and ordered 3 bottles of Ogogoro. He drank them one after the other. Day after day, he repeated the ritual. He would order three bottles of the strong drink, and empty them one after the other.

One day Mama Put became curious and asked him why he did that. "You see, I have two brothers. One is now in Australia and the other is in England. We made a pact that we will remember one another when we drink."

Sometime later, he came into the bar and ordered only two bottles of Ogogoro. Mama Put felt that something was wrong. "I am sorry to see that you have lost one of your brothers.".

"No," he said, "I still have two brothers."

"Then why do you order only two bottles?"

"You see," Clarus explained, "recently my wife took me to a crusade. To the glory of God, I have decided to stop drinking."
Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 10:25am On Apr 28, 2005
And then this Nigerian Alfa went to the beer parlour around 3pm during the fast...after taking 3 bottles, the madam asked if he'll like to take more. ''Haba madam....you are bent on making me break my Ramadan abi?...God no go gree''
Re: Nigerian Jokes by shillout(m): 7:15pm On May 01, 2005
Laff it out!!!
A man was going around 1.00am alone in his car, he got to a check point.

The policeman stopped him and asked for everything which he gave out.

The police had nothing to ask again, in order to charge him, guess what the police man said; "I charge you for driving alone at this time of the day, if you come get accident now who go go tell your people?"

The man replied: I'm not alone, Jesus Christ is with me here, Angel Gabriel, Angel Rapheal, Angel Micheal and five angels are with me here.

The policeman said: "all these people inside this your small car? I charge you for overloading!!!
Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 11:20pm On May 01, 2005
Talking about drivers...A man was driving his taxi from Port harcourt to lagos. He had a sticker in the car that said ''He will give his angels charge over me''
By the time time he got to warri, he was doing 135km/h. The passengers cautioned him, but he simply responded by saying...''don't you see the sign?, the angels are on guard''. He approached Benin on a speed of 185km/h. By this time the passengers got very nervous and decided to get down. Everybody except the driver disembarked and he decided to continue the journey to lagos alone. ''Mumu faithless people...they don't believe that angels are on guard, despite my sticker''...he said, as he drove on.
Nearing Ore, he was comfortably cruising at 215km/h...when he heard people in his car shoulting....''abeg oga drop us o..we no dey go again''...puzzled, he looked around...''sebi I dropped all my passengers in Benin..so na who dey talk?''
''Oga, drop us o..na we be the angels wey dey on guard...this one don become suicide mission we no dey guard again ooo!!!''

Needless to say, our man drove into lagos with a reasonable speed of 35km/hr.

2 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by silverbird(f): 12:05pm On May 03, 2005
During school hours one day, a teacher was teaching the students spellings. This conversation ensure between him and one of his student.

Teacher: You boy, spell plantain.

Boy: Whish one? The ripe one or the unripe one?

Teacher: What difference does it make? Just spell plaintain.

Boy: Teasha, if you fry the ripe one na 'DODO', ir you fry the unripe one, na 'SHIPS', if you roast am na 'BOOLI'. All of them na plantain. Whish one u want make i spell?
Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 12:20pm On May 03, 2005
Yes ke! cheesy

1 Like

Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 8:48pm On May 03, 2005
Yes o! smiley

A man dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decides
he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany hell & asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in ... Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so many
people waiting to get in?" asks the man.

"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

3 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by hope(f): 3:08am On May 10, 2005
Yesterday as we were going to opebi, getting to Allen junction we saw Baba suwe shotting a film .we stop and look suddenly one of the girl say hey heylook over there they are shotting another film we ran over there only to to see two area boys fighting with a okoda rider i didnt wait for anybody to tell me to run for my life b/cos the film has just begin.
Re: Nigerian Jokes by dayojong(m): 8:50am On May 10, 2005
A chinese man and his newly wedded, pretty chinese wife moved over to Nigeria to have a taste of Africa. After a while, the wife got pregnant and finally gave birth to a black baby! The chinese man named the baby...''SUM TIN WONG'' undecided

1 Like

Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 10:21am On May 10, 2005
For the people who may not have understood hope's joke:
Okada men and area boys are some of the most violent groups of people in the country. When you hurt an okada man, the others would mobilize themselves to attack you. Same with the area boys. So when you see an area boy and okada man fighting, you know there is going to be a full scale war - "the film has just begun! grin"
Re: Nigerian Jokes by shillout(m): 11:02am On May 20, 2005
In a small southern town, Billy Joe shows up at the doctor's office at 2:00 p.m. one Sunday afternoon with several bruises on his face.
The doctor says, "Another barroom brawl, eh Billy Joe?"

"No!" answers Billy Joe. "This happened in church!"

"In church? What happened?" asks the doctor.

Billy Joe says, "Well, I went to church and sat in the pew. Then a real big fat woman sits in the pew in front of me. We get up to sing, and I see that her dress is stuck up the crack of her butt, so I pulled it out for her. Then she whopped me with her purse."

The doctor treats his wounds and warns him not to do that again.

A week later, on Sunday afternoon, Billy Joe is back at the doctor's office, bruised worse than before. The doctor said, "Now this must have come from your friends at the bar, right Billy Joe?"

Billy Joe looks sadly into the doctor's eyes and cries, "No! No! This happened in church again!" Extremely puzzled, the doctor asks for the explanation.

Billy Joe says, "I went to church and sat in the pew. My friend John Boy comes in and sits down next to me. Then comes this same big fat woman again, and she sits in the pew in front of us. We get up to sing, and her dress is stuck up the back of her butt again."

The doctor says, "Oh no, Billy. You didn't pull it out again! Didn't you learn your lesson last week?"

"No, no, Doc, I didn't pull it out," replies Billy Joe. "John Bob did. And knowing how much she doesn't like that, I tried to push it back in for her!"
Re: Nigerian Jokes by emmlaura(m): 10:08am On May 28, 2005
put two fingers slowly and rub gently, if the opening is too big put in three fingers and rub gently{ DIRTY MIND I'M TEACHING YOU HOW TO CLEAN A GLASS CUP}

2 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by dominobaby(f): 3:56pm On May 29, 2005
{Em seun, the thread states jokes for April and May, guess you might have to extend it}[/i]Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a



Nigerian, were talking and bragging about the technological
advances their representative countries have achieved in the
field of medicine.
Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born
without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him. And
now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer
and a gold medallist at that."
The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in
Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is 3
times marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!!"
The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abuja, we have a baby born without a head! We
attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president"
tongue
[i]{no be me tok am o!}

1 Like

Re: Nigerian Jokes by Allenpowered(m): 11:18am On Jun 11, 2005
no be hear am too dominobaby...na aremu u dey talk about?
Re: Nigerian Jokes by dominobaby(f): 9:44am On Jun 12, 2005
Allenpowered:

na aremu you dey talk about?

e be like wink
Re: Nigerian Jokes by kemmy(f): 10:09am On Jun 16, 2005
E l'agba nle o,........abi na omode una no get?Na baba Iyabo una dey talk about like that?!..........yi....yi....yi.......I no dey laff o!

Silverbird, I still dey laff from that your boli joke o!
O.K.,make I try my own,even if e no funny,Make una try laff small,I beg.

E get one man wey come spend xmas with im pikin for Lagos.

Na so two of dem go market one day go buy things to take cook food.Dem buy life chicken,turkey pepper,tomato,rice,....all medemede sha wey dem go take cook.

When dem don almost reach house, na im the pikin remember say im never buy curry, thyme and onion.E come give im papa the house keys say make im carry the other things go house so that im go buy the things wey dem forget to buy.

Small time reach the chicken comot form Papa hand begin dey run, dey go.People come see papa start to dey laff na im dem ask am say why im dey laff chicken dey go?.....e say,silly chicken,im think say im go reach house enter before me when na me hold the key to the house........I beg tell me,... who silly?

2 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by angel(f): 3:27pm On Jun 17, 2005
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. I have some Nigerians up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, and they've got Maggi sauce and Ogbono soup all over their robes; hamhocks, Isi-ewu, Cow-feet and Bokoto bones are all over the streets of Gold.

Some folk are walking around with one wing, they have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are soda bottles all over the clouds, some aren't even wearing their halos, saying it doesn't fit with their hairstyles."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? What the.! ...!, hold on one minute." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold.

After 5 minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't belieee.....hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Nigerians put the fire out, and now they are trying to install air conditioning! They even bribed my guys!!"

3 Likes

Re: Nigerian Jokes by angel(f): 3:32pm On Jun 17, 2005
An American, a Japanese, and a Nigerian were sitting Unclad in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The American presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile I have a microchip in my hand."

The Nigerian, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive.

He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet. He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.
Re: Nigerian Jokes by angel(f): 3:34pm On Jun 17, 2005
A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?".

He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"

He is told.."First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"

"Because there is never any electricity, so the electric chair does not work, someone stole all the nails, and the devil used to be a public servant, so he comes in, punches his time-card and then goes back home..."
Re: Nigerian Jokes by angel(f): 3:35pm On Jun 17, 2005
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton & Abacha died and all went straight to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said "I miss England, I want to call England and see how everybody is doing there.

She called and talked for about 5 minutes, then she asked "Well devil how much do I owe you for the call?

The devil replied, "Five million dollars"

She wrote him a cheque and went to sit back on her chair.

Bill Clinton was so jealous, he starts screaming, "My turn! I wanna call the United States, I want to see how everybody is doing there too"

He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he asked, "Well,devil how much do I owe you?

The devil replied, "Ten million dollars"

With a smug look on his face, and feeling more important than the English, he made a cheque and went to sit back on his chair.

Abacha was even more jealous & starts screaming, "I want to call Nigeria too, I want to see how everybody is doing there too. I wanna talk to the ministers, the deputy, I wanna talk to everybody".....

He called Nigeria and he talked for about twenty hours, he talked & talked & talked, then he asked, "Well, devil how much do I owe you for my long call?

The devil replied "One dollar!".

Abacha is stunned & queries the devil. "One dollar Only one dollar ke??"

The devil replied. "Well, when you make a call from one hell to another hell, we bill it at a local rate".
Re: Nigerian Jokes by gina34(f): 12:13pm On Jul 05, 2005
angel i think u and seun is good with jokes,

well a little boy fell frm a mango tree and he got up and told his friends,. THANK GOD SAY I NO DIE IF TO SAY I DIE MY PAPA FOR KILL ME
Re: Nigerian Jokes by Seun(m): 12:51pm On Jul 05, 2005
grin
Re: Nigerian Jokes by innocent1(m): 2:21pm On Jul 05, 2005
Well this one happened in a  village called Warri, in this village their commonest miss of transportation is by water (sheep).

so one day one of the sheep driver was loading his passanger, normally the fee is N20 for one person. so now, all the passangers has entered the sheep and the journey begin. after they might have gotten in the middle of the sea.

The driver said "Please hold your N200 Change Oh, I no get Change oh"
All the passangers now shouted "wati, is it not N20 that we are paying, how come you now jump to N200 abi u bi tiff?.
The driver replied " I no beg anybody, if you no get your N200 Make you come down now"

The passangers have no option than to pay the N200
Re: Nigerian Jokes by Chxta(m): 10:08pm On Aug 01, 2005
Three Americans and three Nigerians are traveling by a US train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three Nigerians buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch the ride my youth !" answers a Nigerian. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Nigerians cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Nigerians on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Nigerians don`t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my youth !! " says a Nigerian. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Nigerians cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Nigerians leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

1 Like

Re: Nigerian Jokes by hotangel2(f): 5:15am On Aug 02, 2005
Nigerians will always be nigerians.
Re: Nigerian Jokes by oluwizard(m): 8:56pm On Aug 02, 2005
Seun close from work on Friday last week 29th, July this year and decided to give any lady that came his way a lift. After the 2nd turn from is office along Ikorodu expressway, he saw a catholic sister and gave her a lift.

While they were going he did not know how to start a conversation with her, therefore, he placed his hand on her laps pretending if it was a gear stick.

The sister softly said Mathew 7;7', he quickly removed his hand, and resume concentrating on his driving.

He attempted it the 2nd  and 3rd time, and each time, she repeated, Mathew 7:7'. When the sister  got to her destination, she opened the door and said to the man, 'Youngman, the problem with you is that you don't read your Bible

When seun got home, he opened his Bible to MATHEW 7:7 which reads "ask and it shall be given".He nearly cried.

2 Likes

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