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Nairaland Forum / Nairaland / General / Family / Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families (2987 Views)
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Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 1:51am On May 30, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by fotodaddy: 1:42pm On May 30, 2008 |
This is not something that is peculiar to Nigerians. And I guess it has to do with the level of financial security the man is willing to accept as "sufficient". I often ask myself the same questions when I see my friend doing these things. So forumites, abeg, wetin dey happen?? |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by deor03(m): 1:53pm On May 30, 2008 |
@ poster, I will say i am someone that loves family life, being around my siblings, parents, wife etc but professional calling has turned me to another person. I have been 'lucky' to have jobs that take me away from home for months etc. Anytime i try changing my work, i'll get anither one that requires more travel than the previous. Infact i left my wife for 3 months just 5days after our marriage. Right now, i have seen my wife just for a total of 9days this year. It's not because , i am nigerian, but for my professional calling. It's same for most of my collegues ( who are not Nigerians, anyway) |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 2:05pm On May 30, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by deor03(m): 5:05pm On May 30, 2008 |
amber_ella: No problem, Before we got married, i was into somethings like that , but after exchanging vows at the alter, I make bold to tell you that i have not seen the undies of another woman. It's been difficult but i am very determined to keep to the vows. It's about two years now and i am still good to go |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by debosky(m): 5:15pm On May 30, 2008 |
Its really very common, because of economic conditions and the need to earn enough to make ends meet. My parents thankfully didn't have to do that, the longest my mum was away that I remember for was when she went to do her Masters degree, and I was almost 10 by then so it wasn't too bad. I think most people would not voluntarily choose this way of life, but when they see others doing it and 'coping' (whatever that entails) and getting a 'better life' in the process, family pressures and the like make it almost inevitable, just to make sure you can provide for the family. @ deor can you enlighten us as to the kind of job you do? Not prying, but just to give a better understanding of the matter. I do think in many regards that family life has been set aside or made a lower priority all in the name of providing enough. I realise many do not have other choices, but some do and end up leaving their families in danger of breaking up. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by deor03(m): 5:26pm On May 30, 2008 |
debosky: don't you think, that's drilling too deep |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by debosky(m): 5:29pm On May 30, 2008 |
No probs mate, you can leave that out. . .but if there is a certain occupation that Nigerian men seem to engage in that takes them away from their families for long periods of time, it may help shed more light on the situation. Its your prerogative of course to leave it out if you want to. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by deor03(m): 5:33pm On May 30, 2008 |
These types of profession ( i am not sure if 'type' is the right word but 'nature') is for a short time. Maximum of 5 years, however i know a couple of guys that have been doing this for over 10 years. The Sad reality is that none of them has a compact family now. Examples of these jobs are offshore jobs, telecoms consultant jobs, etc Someone's got to do these job, I notice that once enter the cycle, it get more difficult for you to leave. The offers you get will be close to what you are doing now |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 5:40pm On May 30, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Uche2nna(m): 5:44pm On May 30, 2008 |
A thread like this was opened by Leilah and because of her record of tying everything down to culture I was a little bit harsh with my response. Now I am in the danger of repeating maself,,,,,,,,,, Whenever I hear a white woman trying to use culture to understand everything that goes on in thier marriage with our Naija brothers, it irritates me. Cos I know the so- called culture (of at least the Igbos) is the very opposite whatever is being advocated here. A little dig into the family structure of the Africans would show that it always consists of not only the dad, the mom but also extended family members. That is our culture. We even have a popular saying that goes this way "One person is not sufficient to raise a child". That accentuates the importance of the extended family viz a vis the whole community in the issue of raising a child. I remenber being disciplined not only by my parents but also by uncles and aunts. That is culture for U right there. Culturally, most Africans practice the extended family system rather than the nuclear family system. Now what U guys like to call culture are actually trends. And this is driven by a whole array of factors ranging from financial to academic pursuits. And these trends are not restricted to the Nigerian man alone. Part of the problem here is that most of ur Nigerian spouses dont actually take the time to educate U guys about what our culture is really like and that might be the reason why trends and fads like anal sex and patronising clubs would be classified as a Nigerian culture I have dated a couple of white girls and I always make it a point of duty to teach them a little bit of what it is like to be an Igbo man. Most of them grudgingly end up watching some Nigerian home movies with me. They always thank me later |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by deor03(m): 5:51pm On May 30, 2008 |
@Uche2nna Take it easy. It's quite difficult appreciating the the perception of our culture by whites. It takes a while, because the perception of us has been built around CNN,VOA,BBC view of Africa @poster What Uche2nna was trying to say is that, it is not by being African that makes a man want to stay away from the family. Infact, traditionally Africans lives and values are built around strong family ties. Different pursuit in life, however changes some of these values in everybody, including Africans |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 5:57pm On May 30, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Uche2nna(m): 6:04pm On May 30, 2008 |
amber_ella: If this statement was made without a reference to culture , then I would have held my peace.However, making it a Nigerian/African thing kind of got me hot under the collar. Sorry, if I came out too strong there. Nothing personal. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Uche2nna(m): 6:07pm On May 30, 2008 |
On a lighter note, Yeah, I agree that culture is always in a state of flux but it is more deeper and far more steadier than a trend. Anyway, back to the topic of Men leaving thier families. Hope U get more helpful responses. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 6:14pm On May 30, 2008 |
Uche2nna: I stated in my original post that I am not judging, that I love my in-laws deeply and admire their strong family values. Clearly I'm not coming here to criticise your culture. Your people and my people have a very different approach to families and the role of husbands and fathers. For that reason, if I want to understand my husband and his family, I should go to his people for answers, no? This is very different from a poster who comes on here asking if anal rape is a Nigerian thing. I quite resent being compared with that poster. Thank you, I do hope I can get some more helpful responses. It's difficult for me to get straightforward answers on this topic from my husband because I think he feels torn between his wife's expectations, his family's expectations and his own expectations of himself. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by HRhotness(f): 6:15pm On May 30, 2008 |
I too don't understand the whole working away form home and family thing. . . . If I'm willing to relocate to another country so I ca be be with my spouse, I'd expect the same in return. One way to look at could be "alleged" link between material wealth and success and the perfect life. I suppose couples who agree to this kind of arrangement want the best of both worlds. . . really doesnt make sense to me but it has become widespread especially with young girls. is now something of a status symbol to have a husband who lives half way around the world (some kind of marriage ) In a case where its about getting a degree or going on a course or sumthin that I can understand. but "living" permanently away from your family, i don't understand. A case can be made that the guy probably isnt settled enough to have his family over, again, this makes no sense to me, why not wait till you're ready to have a wife over before u marry or wait till u can get a proper job before u move to whatever country? This is me ranting but Its definitely not part of our culture but a recent trend that doesnt help our already decaying family values. amber_ella: that is a valid point. Unfortunately many people do it for many reasons and it could be that he feels the pressure to achieve whatever standard his peers are imposing consiously or unconsiously. Lets face it, Nigerian men, especially have huge egos and underachievemnt comes most especially in the form of not being able to properly provide for your family. Many nigerian wives put up with this arrangement, so i expect u shd get used to it too (in as much as i hate to tell u to ) |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 6:27pm On May 30, 2008 |
HR.hotness: We have discussed this and decided that we won't do it anymore. I believe him, since he is a man of his word. His family has high expectations of him. His father wants to do business with him in Nigeria. If that's what we decide to do, then I will stay in Nigeria. We will both make sacrifices. I know it will be difficult for his family to understand why I'm not more independent. But after 20 years, when they see that I've been a faithful, devoted wife and mother for all those years, I'm sure they won't be complaining! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Uche2nna(m): 6:28pm On May 30, 2008 |
amber_ella: Yeah, but wont it be much better and probably more productive if U talk to the parents of ur spouse. Parents of spouses in Nigeria most of the time help out in cases like this. People frown at divorces back home so the parent s would try all they can to reduce the strains in the marriages of thier kids. And since U said U are very close and friendly with them, I wan to believe they would be a better resource to tap into than coming opn a public forum where there are diverse opinions, motives and upbringing. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 6:31pm On May 30, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Uche2nna(m): 6:37pm On May 30, 2008 |
amber_ella: LMAO. Maybe I am naive but I want to believe there are more tactful ways to say these things |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by birdman(m): 9:49am On Jun 01, 2008 |
amber_ella: Like you said earlier, it has more to do with 'expectations'. It has less to do with culture (which is very family oriented), and more to do with fear, fear of ever encountering the 'rough' times he may have had as an immigrant initially. I'm not sure there is any way around it, cuz I think he may be right in some ways. There's just going to have to be compromises both ways. |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 5:00pm On Jun 01, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by ufofex(m): 9:35pm On Jun 03, 2008 |
Hmmmn, this one is hot. One cannot be comprehensive enough on this issue, lets try taking it in snippets. Ours is a culture of fast-eroding values. The Nigeria that I know, that I live in, is one in which culture has been relegated to the background. In the original African setting, family is everything. Today however, there is a difference, I would like to call it a 'generational shift' of ideas/values/fad, whatever. My Nigeria has become a place where unneccessary emphasis is placed on what one possesses, or what position one occupies. Respect and honour is according to the size of one's material possession or how high up his position is.So a lot of us try making more, achieving more, nudging higher. As someone who leaves his family for 2wks of every month, it is hard for me admitting to this problem. But, this is by no means exclusive to Nigeria. We are just a small part of a materialitc- driven world contributting it's share |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Xiomarra: 10:43pm On Jun 03, 2008 |
Because Nigerian men are born Pussy Treasure hunters! A disease that has no cure. When they are sick of pussies, they start searching for the anuses of other men to stick their shitty deeks into and back to more pussies! Like most have pointed out here. . . not a Nigerian thing really. But Nigerians are the worst culprits. The men are bonafide "pussy" sniffers and hunters. To accomplish this sordid task. . . they definitely have to spend time away from home. Wives are only meant to "breed" kids not to be loved and to spend time with. Please accept your fate. On the bright side of things. . .they phock very well with good lessons! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 3:33pm On Jun 05, 2008 |
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Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by trulyopal(f): 4:15pm On Jun 05, 2008 |
This is a serious issue that is fast becoming a trend.The wives like it cos they get more freedom, more spending money(if she is not working) .At the long run you end up becoming strangers with your partner and a nuisance to your children. The diffrence btw us and the parents of before is, there utmost priority is ther children(family), while for us its to keep up with the joneses |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Leilah(f): 11:39pm On Jun 05, 2008 |
Amber I know lots of ladies that live away from their husbands and vice versa in particularly one lady allowed her husband to go to somewhere like the Ukraine to study medicine for two years! she actually lives in London and him in Ukraine among the most beautiful women in the world his wife is a doctor herself and doesnt care where he is really. I work with a lady whose husband moved back to Nigeria and she stayed in europe. They still remain married. This was something that also puzzled me and still does actually. I suppose its all down to money. Personally, I dont see the point, how can you be still married when you havnt even slept in the same bed for years. Let alone cope with the 'secret children' he may have made while away! worse again the many STDs out there! God no! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Leilah(f): 11:48pm On Jun 05, 2008 |
Xiomarra you are brilliant! you always got me laffin! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by Xiomarra: 12:41am On Jun 06, 2008 |
amber_ella: Which bad experience? I am telling you that that is how God created them and you are talking of bad experiences? I have not had any bad experiences please. . . .I handle them well. . . in the only language they understand. . . "KRASE"! Period! Look at what you wrote up there and I quote:
You are very lucky you were able to cage that your husband where he belongs. I would definitely do the same. Most of these "so called businessmen" would leave their families for months to go and start other families outside while you remain married "in name only"! If your husband had succeeded in letting you deal with the pre-separation "Modus Operandi", you could as well kiss him goodbye. I will never allow such a marriage of long distance convenience. Of course family is more important. But like you noted, it is the norm for most Nigerian men especially to live "nomadic" lives in search of "greener" pastures. Thereby sacrificing the integrity of the marriage and family set up for their own selfish motives. I say thank your stars. That dude would have been phocking like a mad dog in Nigeria with all those "night bus" ladies! E be like say dem don lock that night bus ashewo thread! Leilah: he he he he he he. Leilah baby, you sure you did not start this thread with a new ID. Nairaland don teach oyinbo pickin 499! You go girl! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by amberella: 2:40am On Jun 09, 2008 |
anyone else care to add? I really appreciate everyone's responses. very insightful! |
Re: Nigerian Men Spending Time Away From Their Families by francessby(f): 4:44pm On Jul 04, 2008 |
Yes especially those that feels that they have cash, today they in this country tomorrow in another state with there mistress |
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