I was asked to write a 3mins screenplay about 1-2 actor, 1-2 location and this is what i could come up with. Please Read and criticise. Thanks

Apart from some things like tenses and 'showing more rather telling'....this is a good script.

I also admire your vivid description of each scene...something I am not good at. Though, the story itself is not that engaging. The sky is your beginning.

Btw, what software did you use for this? Nice work.

sholay2011: Apart from some things like tenses and 'showing more rather telling'....this is a good script.

I also admire your vivid description of each scene...something I am not good at. Though, the story itself is not that engaging. The sky is your beginning.

Btw, what software did you use for this? Nice work.

Thank you very much. I used Final Draft 8. i think thats what most hollywood screenwriter use.

alkaline.ak:


Thank you very much. I used Final Draft 8. i think thats what most hollywood screenwriter use.

Yessir. Thanks for the info.

@alkaline.ak; Good scene description. May I sample some other script you have written. Email me ojiscute@yahoo.ca. I have a romance comedy story fully written out, I don't know if you can write a feature script on it?

real-teflon:
@alkaline.ak; Good scene description. May I sample some other script you have written. Email me ojiscute@yahoo.ca. I have a romance comedy story fully written out, I don't know if you can write a feature script on it?

Thank you very much. I'm writing one at the moment, i'll send it to you when i finish. About your story, You can send it to alkalinefilms001@gmail.com. i love working on other peoples work.

The story is decent...having in mind that it is just a short movie. The scene description is very good....And As Sholay said, 'you were kind of showing rather telling.." but the script is okay. I will love to read more of your works...I also have a feature film script i will love to know ur opinion on the script.

chiboymuoneke@yahoo.com

To be honest there wasn't anything in this script to keep it interesting.

You have to realise that from the moment we open our eyes when we wake up until we go to bed at night we process hours upon hours of 'real life' footage... more often than not 99% is extremely boring stuff. The trick to writing a script is picking the 1% (which might not even be ours) that is actually interesting and/or dabbling into the boring 99% and finding a way to make it interesting.

As Sholay said - tenses; I'll also add grammar. Additionally, the style doesn't read like a script but a short story / novel.

With what happens in this story, first, there is no need for the clock and date - it's an immediately significant 'image' that has no relevance to the story. It can be January or July... it makes no difference to the audience as they never see or find out a reason for it being shown.

You can probably come up with something for just the single character 'Mike' and his application. It's a 3 minute film and the first 2 mins are wasted on a practically pointless phone conversation. Get rid of the phone, get rid of the mom and give us the 'drama' of what he's been through/ going through by showing us... and find a way to create tension in his predicament.

Also there are certain things the 'character' knows that we DON'T need him to tell us (the audience) because it doesn't work... for example... He knows for a fact that his fridge is empty - so why is he looking in it for something to eat? It's not as if any food will automatically materialise. However, if you really needed to show us that this guy is broke to the extent that he doesn't have food why not let there be something like a half eaten tin of tuna and a half eaten tin of baked-beans... he takes both out and mixes them together to make a 'meal'... 'grimacing' as he eats it. No one in their right mind will eat that combination... but the guy is so broke that he hasn't even got a few coins to buy 'more' bread... as obviously common bread sef don finish.

Also far too many Nigerians write that same UK landlord stuff... It always makes me wonder if they even live in the UK because it really just doesn't happen that way or they just want to show the characters as being so daft they have no idea where they live or what to do. In fact NO, no be character fault... you've taken something that might still happen in a Naija setting and put it into a UK setting where the rules are different. You must know WHAT you are writing and the 'WORLD' it is set in. You wouldn't be shooting in Mexico and every character is dressed like an Eskimo or shooting a WWII film and people are using iPads - different 'worlds'.

Anyway, there is nothing in this story. Find a way to make it interesting... give a challenge to your character or just write something completely different. This is far from it!

mufex: The story is decent...having in mind that it is just a short movie. The scene description is very good....And As Sholay said, 'you were kind of showing rather telling.." but the script is okay. I will love to read more of your works...I also have a feature film script i will love to know ur opinion on the script.

I appreciate you guys criticism. but i'm kind of confuse about what you mean by I'm showing rather than telling. I think theres a phrase in screenwriting that says ''Show, Dont tell'' I personally think i didn't ''show'' enough in the script. But anywayz i'll like you guys to elaborate more on what you mean so to help improve my writing skills. Thanks guys

alkaline.ak:


I appreciate you guys criticism. but i'm kind of confuse about what you mean by I'm showing rather than telling. I think theres a phrase in screenwriting that says ''Show, Dont tell'' I personally think i didn't ''show'' enough in the script. But anywayz i'll like you guys to elaborate more on what you mean so to help improve my writing skills. Thanks guys

I meant the other way round dat you should do more of showing and less of telling. I believe mufex was saying the same thing too.

The person that taught me dat has commented; read his comment and take some notes if necessary. Seems like he saw what some of us didn't see. I am talking of the boi from a Village

Yea i understand where his coming from. Thanks guys

Villageboy sees things most people don't. How did he notice those stuffs? Meh!!!

mufex: Villageboy sees things most people don't. How did he notice those stuffs? Meh!!!

Villageboi...Oga na Master...!

Pal........ I don't think a clock reveal dates.........and it is suppose to be MOM (O.S) not MOM(V.O)

allan_dutch: Pal........ I don't think a clock reveal dates.........and it is suppose to be MOM (O.S) not MOM(V.O)

No Mr Alan you're completely wrong. First of all there are a gazillion clocks that show the date... but who really cares about that anyway?

It's also best not to say stuff you're not even 50% sure about. Basic screenwriting on the use of (OS) & (VO)

(OS) = Off Screen - The person is in the 'scene location' but cannot be seen. eg - they walked out of shot but still speak
(VO) - Voice Over - The person is not physically in the scene for example - they are 'the other voice' on a telephone, a narrator that isn't seen or the inner voice of a character also, which seems weird, an 'on screen' charatcter's thoughts.

So the writer of this script very correctly wrote the mother on the phone as a VO.

VillageBoi:

No Mr Alan you're completely wrong. First of all there are a gazillion clocks that show the date... but who really cares about that anyway?

It's also best not to say stuff you're not even 50% sure about. Basic screenwriting on the use of (OS) & (VO)

(OS) = Off Screen - The person is in the 'scene location' but cannot be seen. eg - they walked out of shot but still speak
(VO) - Voice Over - The person is not physically in the scene for example - they are 'the other voice' on a telephone, a narrator that isn't seen or the inner voice of a character also, which seems weird, an 'on screen' charatcter's thoughts.

So the writer of this script very correctly wrote the mother on the phone as a VO.

you are right "Voice over the phone". Sorry my mistake

allan_dutch: you are right "Voice over the phone". Sorry my mistake

No big deal, just double check what you write as various people do learn from these threads.

VillageBoi:

No big deal, just double check what you write as various people do learn from these threads.

Panadol extra ...Oga na master!

sholay2011:
Panadol extra ...Oga na master!

Ah. Na you be our 'Oga at the top'.

Its good to have you guys on here. Looks like we have some experience screenwriter here. More to learn.