WASHINGTON—After more than
five decades of tireless work,
brave exploration, and
technological innovation aimed
at a single objective, the
National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced
Wednesday that it had finally
completed its mission to find
and kill God. NASA officials celebrate after
finally locating and murdering
the Supreme Being. "I am ecstatic to tell you all
today that we have beheld
the awesome visage of the
supreme architect of the
cosmos, and we have
murdered Him," jubilant administrator Charles Bolden
said after being drenched with
champagne by other
celebrating NASA employees.
"There have been innumerable
setbacks, missteps, and hardships over the past 50
years, but we always stayed
true to our ultimate goal and
we never gave up." "We finally got the son of a
bitch!" Bolden continued. "He's
dead! God is dead!" According to officials, God was
killed this morning on the moon
by a highly trained team of
seven astronauts. He was
reportedly lured into a trap
after coming into contact with the Voyager 2 probe, which
was transmitting a false
message that NASA wanted to
broker a truce with God on
"neutral ground." Astronauts prepare the
Creator's body for its return
to Earth. "One of our lunar rovers
captured an image of God at
approximately 2100 hours last
night, and we immediately
launched a vessel manned by
our best assassins," said Richard Egan, Mission Control
Chief at the Johnson Space
Center in Houston. "After
exiting the lunar lander, the
astronauts approached God
under the false pretense of peace, but He must have
sensed something was amiss
and fled. Our men gave chase
in a moon buggy, finally
overtaking Him in a crater
where He was subdued after several minutes of violent
hand-to-hand combat." Egan told reporters that it
took as many as five highly
trained astronauts to fully
restrain the Supreme Being. He
also confirmed that three of
the astronauts sent to kill God were badly injured, but were
expected to recover. "He was damn fast. And strong
—as strong as anyone I've
ever engaged," said Captain
Trevor Sullivan, the astronaut
who, after his weary team
dragged a bloodied and beaten God back to the lunar module,
executed Him with a single
gunshot to the head. "He
fought like a wild animal, and
the fact that He's omnipotent
really worked against us. But we know a few tricks
ourselves, and after all was
said and done, we took Him
down for good." "Gotta give Him credit, though,
God was defiant right up until
the end. Scrappy bastard spit
right in my face just before I
pulled the trigger," added
Sullivan, smiling. NASA was founded in 1958 by
President Dwight D. Eisenhower
for the express purpose of
locating and assassinating God.
By 1969, it had completed a
successful lunar landing, bringing mankind that much
closer to neutralizing the
Almighty. It was in that year
that U.S. astronaut Neil
Armstrong became the first to
step on the moon, and uttered the legendary phrase,
"Where are you, God, you
fucking gay? Come and get
me!" Over the years, officials told
reporters, God had proved to
be an elusive and formidable
foe. In 1986, He destroyed the
Challenger shuttle, killing all
seven crew members, including Christa McAuliffe, a special
operative who had been given
orders to seduce and then
strangle God with garrote
wire. The Lord subsequently
blew up the Columbia Destroyer Shuttle on reentry
in 2003, and several times
sabotaged the Hubble Space
Telescope, a large piece of
surveillance equipment
launched into orbit in 1990 to monitor His activities. "I can't tell you how many
times God gave us the slip,"
NASA aerospace engineer David
Williamson said. "We learned
pretty quickly that you
couldn't underestimate Him, not for a second. He was an
unbelievably intelligent and
resourceful enemy, and if you
made even the smallest
mistake, you can bet He'd
make you pay for it." Sullivan's begrudging respect
for God was echoed by many
other NASA officials and
employees. Though most have
spent the majority of their
adult lives working toward killing God, a certain reverence
for the deceased deity
pervaded NASA headquarters. "It's ironic that despite all of
the technological advances and
powerful weapons we've made,
it was God's trusting and
compassionate nature that
was His final undoing," said Buzz Aldrin, a former
astronaut who ripped out
pages of the Bible on the
moon's surface in an effort to
enrage God and draw Him out
of hiding. "I mean, you've really got to hand it to Him. He gave
us one hell of a fight." "I only wish it had been me
personally who got to pull the
trigger on that RoosterDrinker,"
Aldrin added.
www.theonion.com/articles/nasa-completes-52year-mission-to-find-kill-god,19263/

I dey come . . . abeg

Stupid thoughtless animals

Can somebody pls tell me the title of this movie and when it 's going to premier?

rotfl

"But will God indeed dwell on the earth? behold, the heaven and heaven of heavens cannot contain thee; how much less this house that I have builded?" (1 Kings 8:27).
give me another story

Silly joke! SMH.

The source is a well known joke site