CAMBRIDGE, MA—Heralding the
breakthrough as a landmark
achievement for artificial
intelligence, engineers at the
Massachusetts Institute of
Technology announced Thursday that they have
successfully developed the
first robot capable of feeling
human lust. Lead researcher Tomás Soto,
who confirmed that the
invention features a highly
advanced operating system,
powerful data processors, and
cutting-edge optical sensors, told reporters that the
machine’s behavior was so
lifelike that it can take one
look at a person and grow
uncontrollably aroused,
becoming completely consumed by its own passionate sexual
appetite. “The idea that a robot might
lust, much like you or I can
lust, has long captured the
imaginations of scientists,”
said Soto, adding that for
decades engineers have strived to create automatons
with the ability to feel intense
carnal yearning. “Today, our
lab has finally succeeded in
making a computer capable of
the sudden bursts of overwhelming desire and
lascivious cravings that are at
the core of what it means to
be a human being.” The product of eight years of
experimentation, the robot’s
central processing unit
reportedly has the capacity to
generate over 2.5 million erotic
impulses per second. After fixating on an image of a
person it desires, the machine
reportedly enters an infinite
loop, obsessively analyzing the
image until it can analyze
nothing else. While the initial results were
reportedly discouraging when
a prototype failed to display
the most basic lewd cravings,
the MIT scientists said they
upgraded hardware components and added a
sexual objectification program,
instructing the robot to
perform tasks such as leering
at women’s posteriors, legs,
and breasts. “They said we couldn’t build
a conscious machine that
perpetually lusts for flesh, but
we achieved that objective
and much more,” said Soto,
boasting that the automaton possesses the computational
power to obsessively fantasize
about salacious encounters as
rapidly as an average 18-
year-old male. “This robot
wants more than anything to throw a person down on a bed
and have sex with them.” According to researchers, the
first major breakthrough
occurred in June of 2011,
when the robot completely
lost its sense of boundaries
and personal space as soon as 29-year-old technician Julia
Breton entered the room to
work on the machine. “Our robot started giving off
this strange, domineering
energy, making sudden,
aggressive movements
whenever I moved,” said
Breton, who mentioned that she noticed the speed of the
robot’s cooling fan had
increased and the motor
strained as it edged toward
her. “Before long it was
pretty obvious that it was completely preoccupied with
me.” “Just being near it made me
feel extremely
uncomfortable,” Breton added. Soto confirmed that the
engineers knew they were
closer to attaining their lofty
goals after they observed the
robot’s arm mechanisms
growing tense and its console starting to overheat every
time Breton entered its line of
sight. “That was one of those
moments when you could feel
the line between man and
machine starting to blur,” said
Soto, adding that lust was
previously believed to be an intrinsically human experience.
“My colleagues and I knew
simply by looking its visual
sensors that we had created
a machine that desperately
wanted to Bleep.” “It gave us an incredible sense
of pride,” he added. Despite his team’s
achievement, Soto said the
next phase of research will
have to wait several months
as they rebuild the robot,
which violently self-destructed after realizing it would never—
indeed, could never—be with
Dr. Breton.
www.theonion.com/articles/mit-scientists-create-robot-capable-of-feeling-lus,33147/

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