A country doctor went way out to deliver a baby.

It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was terrified. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here --

we could really use your help! We found mailman dead on our porch this morning!"

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.

The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A fool and his wife were flying to New York from London. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the Captain announced, 'One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry, we have three engines left.'

Thirty minutes later, the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry, we have two engines left.' An hour later the Captain announced, 'One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left.'

The fool looked at his wife and said, 'If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day.'

A pregnant lady went to an astrologer.

Astrologer: When u deliver the baby, the baby's father will die.

Pregnant Lady: Thank god! My husband is safe!

Wife: Why are you home so early?

Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.

Wife: Can u explain how this lipstick got on your collar?

Husband: No I cant. I distinctly remember taking my shirt off.

nice collection. . . hilarious

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," she said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice.

He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me! I want my dinner right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. YOU are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, you know who is going to tie MY bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

Ife was going on his first plane trip to London. He went to the airport and it turned out the girl at the boarding gate was his cousin. Now Ife and his cousin hadn't seen each other in a few years. After exchanging hugs and pleasantries, the cousin told Ife, "I can get you upgraded to First Class if you want to." Ife replied, "Sure, I'll take the upgrade. I've never flown First Class before." Ife had actually never flown before.

Because he was in First Class, Ife was the first person on the plane, sitting in seat 1A. After he sat down, the flight attendant came by and asked if he would like a drink while they waited for everyone else to board. "Yeah, I'll have a double Jack and Coke", said Ife. While the flight attendant was gone to get his drink, the next passenger, a world-famous preacher boarded the plane and sat in seat 1B. "Hello, Preacher. Good to meet you," said Ife.

The flight attendant then returned with Ife's drink and greets the preacher, "Hello, Preacher. Would you like a drink while we wait?" The Preacher, in an indignant tone, replies "Madam, I would rather be ravaged by twelve brazen ash... before I would allow one drop of liquor to ever touch my lips!"

Ife looked at his drink, and then at the preacher. He handed the drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Take this back, I didn't know I had that option!"

Ike had his boss Obinna and his wife over for dinner one night. Ike dropped his knife under the table and noticed that Obinna's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! As Ike sat up, he cracked his head on the table. When he went to the kitchen to get some ice, Obinna's wife followed.

While they were alone, she said "Did you like anything you saw under the table?" Ike replied, "I sure did!" Obinna's wife said "well you can have it for $500. Come over on Friday at 2:00 pm when my husband is at work!" So Ike went over there on Friday, has sex with Mrs. Obinna, gave her $500 and left.

Later Obinna came home from work and asked his wife if Ike stopped by. With a lump in her throat, she said "why yes, he did" Obinna then asked, "did he give you $500?" Even more nervous she said, "yes, as a matter of fact he did!" Obinna replied "Good, cause he dropped by work this morning and asked to borrow $500, and said he would pay me back after work."

John went on a 2-month business trip to Europe and left his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he called his brother.

John: So how is my cat doing?

Brother : He's Dead.

John: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead?! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that he got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found him but he is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother : I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

John: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

Two buddies were having a chat. Said one, "You know, I can trace my ancestors up the Family Tree."

The other replied," That's so? Well, far as I know, there are only two things that live on trees: Birds and Monkeys, and I see you have no feathers."

Lmao! That john's brother is one fool. . .

All ur jokes are great!!

Thanks!

keep it up babe... u Ar doing a great job here...

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

“Son, where were you today?”

Son says “at school dad.” Robot slaps the son.

“Ok, I watched a dvd at my mates!”

"What dvd?”

“Finding Nemo.” Robot slaps the son again!

“Ok, it was indecency” cries the son.

“When I was your age I didn’t know what indecency was!” says the dad. Robot slaps the dad!

Mum laughs “Hahaha! He’s certainly your son.” Robot slaps the mum.

A Manchester United fan and a Liverpool fan were driving on a dark road one night when their cars collided. To their amazement, neither one was injured but both cars were ruined.

In celebration of their good luck, they agree to put their differences aside from that moment. The Liverpool fan goes to his car and fetches a 12 yr old bottle of Whiskey. He hands it to the Manc fan who exclaims, “may the Mancs and the Scousers live together forever in peace and harmony” then he gulps down half the bottle.

He goes to hand the bottle to Liverpool fan who replies, “No thanks, I’ll just wait til the police get here you Manc fool”

LoveAmaka88: Thanks!

my luv, I'd like to post some of mine... should I go ahead??

too good...keep them sharing....

*thinking* maybe d other guys are just commenting to get the babe & not because of the joke. . .

@loveamaka

that ur username sef dey attract guys to you o. . . u beta no be worwor girl

sir.law:

my luv, I'd like to post some of mine... should I go ahead??

You shameless baboon!
You nor notice say queue dey for here? Nor be me first dey comment? If any 1 here suppose flirt, na me get d right. . . Ole!

Thanks for the encouragement guys. Feel free to post your own jokes!

There are 3 types of people in this world.

Those who can count and those who can’t.

jassie:

You shameless baboon!
You nor notice say queue dey for here? Nor be me first dey comment? If any 1 here suppose flirt, na me get d right. . . Ole!

Ask Amaka Nah.. our love is true. And true love no dey lie...

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a
hammer.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out with great emotion, “You bastard!”

The judge goes on to say, “You’re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer.”

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, with even
greater emotion, “You rotten bastard!”

The judge stops and says, “Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I’ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood ?”

The man stands up and says, “I’m sorry, Your Honour, but I’ve lived next door to that assehole for 15 years and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

sir.law:

Ask Amaka Nah.. our love is true. And true love no dey lie...

I c am so Badt guy. . .