Hi everyone,

This is my first post since i joined here; this may rather lengthy but i hope to hear your opinion.

My partner and I are married for almost 1 year and we both work full time.
We split rent, power, water etc.
We each pay fixed amt for buying house commodities, consumptions.

Last few months, my partner is trying to set up his own business. He seemed to start it fine at first, but later he discovered he had more to pay than he originally thought(i think it was caused by lack of solid business plan and enough capital). He ended up in borrowing money from his friends. He returned most of it, and will do the remaining in few months.

He is planning to go back to Lagos next month and stay there for 2.5months for the business and home visiting(hasn't gone back for 4 years and his family member is sick).

He was in short of money few months ago when he made a reservation to air-ticket, so i lent him the deposit money, which he said he will pay back in September, before he leaves.
Last month he was unable to pay tax and insurance of his own, which i paid for him and he said he will pay back the money while his stay in Lagos or after he comes back home.

My partner does not speak much official language of a country we reside in. I do, and whenever there is a written form or complicated conversation takes a place, i do most of the work.

Last week, we visited my family home and had dinner together. I then realised he was wearing a flashy new watch. I asked him where he bought it and how much it costed. He told me where and that it was just less than the price of our wedding ring. (which is more than air-ticket deposit i lend him before) Then he said, this(the watch) will last for long time.
I felt quite angry and disappointed again towards him about the way he handles money.

If you cannot even pay your own tax and insurance, how can you try to get unncessary luxury like a watch? (And he already had a watch, mind you!) What is the rush of buying a new one now?
I do not think this is a matter of nagging wife. We (like anybody) have overcome many differences and come a long way. But there seemed to be such a difference in our way of thinking towards money, planning, putting priority, making a life, etc etc.

I would love to hear your opinions on this matter.
j
Admin, always admire your work. Wonderful.

this presents an interesting senario.. but there appear to be a lot of holes in what u've given us so far.. I don't wish to pry or compell you to release more information than you're comfortable with..

But..

In which country do you live?.. For how long were you in relationship with your partner before you got married to him?.. How well do you really know him?.. Have you met any of his folks or family?..

There are a lot of questions, but these will do for now.. Answering these will give me a better understanding of the enviroment you live, and will permit a better informed reply to your post..

Hope you don't mind...


Saint...

I must say, You husband did a wrong thing by buying that watch. And if i were you, i won't lend him my money anymore, unless he knows how to manage moeny.

Thank you for your opinion.

CimonJorr,
No i don't mind answering these questions; in fact i realized that i left out quite a bit of facts.

>In which country do you live?
japan.  I know, i know it is not a western world.  With lots of rules and "don't"s.

>For how long were you in relationship with your partner before you got married to him?
we are married in less than 12 months after we first saw each other's face

>How well do you really know him?
i can usually tell how he react or what he will say at any conversation, (and so does he)and i can tell where he is coming from.  but he does surprises sometimes, this time, it was the damn watch.  these are the times i realize that i only know him very little, and that we are different people.

>Have you met any of his folks or family?
No i have not met his family yet, i only have talked with them over the phone.


hot-angel,
>I must say, You husband did a wrong thing by buying that watch. And if i were you, i won't lend him my money anymore, unless he knows how to manage moeny.
Exactly, exactly.  that's the way to go, eh.  I shall not lend anymore money to him, and now, making him understand why I am angry and what he has done is wrong is the hardest work.

I cannot think of anybody who would love me as passionate as he does, but i also know that his passionate love comes from his solitude.  He is a kind of a man who has lived being a loner, did not mix with many people, hence his self-centered nature(lack of plan, not managing well, does not know how to care or pay attention towards others).
Though we hooked on together fine, our marriage was on a edge from the beginning.  like, not an A++ or even B, but just P or pass or C.  Just enough to pass otherwise fail. 

He would throw confused eyes and tries to comfort me or he would escape into a stupid excuses whenever i hit the roof and get angry with him. 
Alas our difference is the biggest problem here.

hmm, this became more like a journal.  Anyway thank you for reading, and appreciate the opinions.
j

Not giving him money will not solve the problem,will it?
I guess your giving him money is kind of contributing to his laziness and wickedness*Excuse my language*.A man that doesnt have money to pay his bills,even Tax for that matter,buying a fancy wrist watch,did u ask him where he got the money from?Been passionate about u doesnt mean he shuld take u as an advantage and use your hard earned cash uselessly. he wants to go to Nig. to open his biz and doesnt have a flight fare,u gave him the money cos u care and love him,is it the same money he used for the wrist watch?not only that he even said the wrist watch is a little bit less than your wedding ring and that it will last a long time .
cant u read between the lines and know what he is up to?
My sister i will advice u stop giving him money and helping him pay his bills,i understand what its like to live in a place where u dont understand their 1^st language but yet other people go there and they all survive.If u think getting married to him for a year means u know everything about him,is not true.u can never stop knowing people u care about,just continue to know and understand him.some men r very selfish and wicked.

i wish u all the Best and welcome to nairaland.

i know he did a wrong thing but you should forgive him just for the fact that he loves you and cares about you. he probably knows in his heart too that he did something wrong. if it's his first time doing such a thing, warn him and if he's done something like that before, sit him down and talk thoroughly to him let him know that you're not his bank and make sure he's really sorry. ..

i think you and him should be open w/ each other about your finances, when he asks you for money next time, you should make sure you find out and know if he's really broke...

i know he bought the watch because he thinks it will last long but that wasn't the right time to do such thing.
if you want to punish him, just take the watch from him and don't give it back until he pays your money.

i'll also advice that you try to meet his family ASAP. it might bring your relationship a little bit closer. it might

you said your marriage is "just enough to pass otherwise fail". Is money (financial matters) the major problem. is that what you disagree on most of the time? if it is then i'll advice to turn things around a little bit or try a different method.

you should also try to help him to get organized, manage stuff, and teach him in the area he lacks. once he's caught the hang of it, you can then trust him to be able to organize and manage stuff all by himself.

************
just take the watch from him and don't give it back till he pays you. that'll teach him a lesson. ... you could also forgive him, sit him down and explain stuff to him

Hello Jade,

Please consider going to a professional marriage counselor with your husband and consider not getting pregnant until these issues are sorted out. These problems are serious problems and you need more than what we can provide here.

You have our best wishes, but you need people with knowledge and experience which many of us here don't have. I'm glad you live in a country where qualified counselors are probably available to those who want them.

Best Regards,
Seun.

the problem isn't that serious trust me. i know this lady that has a really bad marriage. her husband threatened to throw her into a well once. they're still together up until today. now that's a marriage that has serious problems.

most marriages look pretty on the surface but you don't know what's going on deep within their family/relationship until they tell you or someone. i don't think any marriage is perfect.

*****
Thank you Latoya for your opinion.
he works full time and trying to set up side business. The money(to pay for bills and fancy stuff) comes from his salary. As i wrote, i shall not give him money anymore, but making him understand that what he's done is wrong is such a hard task. Sometimes i wonder if he understand English at all. Yep, like some people, he rans into stupid excuses when he has done silly things, which pours fuel onto my rage.

Trust me, we have come such a long way. We have had so many arguements, just to make him understand. Little by little.

I am starting to think that all this is caused by his extreme childishness. I mean if you are an adult, you would have a heart to admit that you have done wrong, and would try to change yourself, wouldn't you? Man, I'm ashamed as I write, because this all too is such a damn common sense. (

By the way, I do know that one can never stop knowing people you care about, therefore you continue to try to know about the person. that's exactly is called caring and loving, right.
Glad to hear from you since you share my frustration.

Thank you also for the welcome message.


*****
Seun,
Thank you for the message.

I have thought about marriage counselor(which i haven't been yet) and bought books about a relatioinship. I also have no intention of getting pregnant at this stage.

i regret that i took your time, for the contents of my post calls for knowledge outside of your range. However, the reason of my posting here Nairaland is that my partner is from Nigeria. (Thus the thread title "enlight(en) me with your opinion about my marriage" I also find it interesting to know what is happening up in Nigeria.

i was glad to hear opinions from others.

I admire your work, please keep up your wonderful job. Do take care and God bless.


*****
Thank you WesleyanA.
I liked your idea of taking watch away , wonder if it teaches him a lesson though. He is likely to just accept the fact that he caused it, and then not learning from it. Oh i tell him in many ways, like using metaphors or examples or quotes from the bible or putting himself in my position... Such a hard work for him to really "get" it. feel like i have a son, instead of a husband.(that shows how immature he is duh)

yeah, it is so true that every marriage is different.
*****

Just take it easy

Hello jade,
How are you? I do sympathise with you so much and pray that God gives you the wisdom to settle this matter. If I may be frank with you, you are making too much issue out of nothing. Are you not an African woman? Don't you understand the meaning of tolerance and endurance in marriage? Why are you washing your dirty linen in public? How much money is really involved in the whole matter? Please don't take advantage of the fact that you are in a more advantageous position than your husband to torment him in a foreign land?
I know you must have been wronged by him, but it is not enough to fight over small finances, like buying a gold wrist watch, when he is indebted to you.
Please search your mind and with the fear of God , put your house in order.

Jade sorry, please are you not a Nigerian/African woman?
Well, if you are not, i may appreciate your problem, which to me is more of a Cultural conflict.
I will recommend a book to you to read called ''My People, thy people'' Its all about cross marriages and the conflict that follow a Nigerian young Prince in the UK married to an English lady and their final return to Nigeria, where the chap becomes the traditional ruler of his people.
If you cant get the book, let me i shall endeavour to send one to you.
Take care of yourself and each other .

Hello ruggedboy,
I appreciate your message.
If it is concluded with cultural conflict, so be it. (No, i am not from Africa) I know that it sounds as if I am making a big deal out of nothing, but as for finance matter, I believe it is not about "tolerance and endurance", because finance/money effects daily life, and marriage is about two parties spending a life together, that is the biggest difference from just simply going out together. I also think that the way he handles money determines the way he thinks towards money. Well, I would like to think that communication would solve the problem. but trying to make　him understand what he's done is wrong, is hard.
I thank you for your time for your opinion, as well as suggestion of a book, I appreciate it very much. j

Jade let not your heart be troubled.
Handle this with maturity.
There are certain things you suppose to know about a man before marrying him like:

Does he show up?
Does he like clubbing?
Likes ladies?

May be he bought the watch because he was travelling to Nigeria to show up here so when his old folks see him with such watch they will think he has arrived more so he's not living in Nigeria.

People that do all these stuffs may just be extravagant in spending just to attract opposite sex or to show to his mates he has arrived when he actuallow not. And they end up borrowing and acruing dept to themselves.
Is your husband like this?

Wake him up in the midnight and let him feel your heart felt for his misplacement of priority and should think about the progress of the family.
Let him understand you might not give any penny until he changes his orientation.

And whatever you do, never ever threaten the man's pride or ego. Even though you might feel he's "irresponsible" or something, do not use words that make him feel small or else he will be unable to work out these problems with you: he'd be too busy trying to prove that he's the man! As long as he remains a man, do not fall for the temptation of belittling him with words (nagging 2.0).

So please, I reiterate my earlier point, your marriage needs a counselor. I have people in my family who are part-time marriage counselors so I feel I know what cases are simple and what cases are not simple. Yours is not simple. So please, o please, drag your husband to a marriage counselor tommorrow morning, because we do not want you to come back in 6 months to tell us you're getting a divorce.

Seun said it all. Advices sometimes when it comes to family matters, from here can be a little bit tricky especially from people that have not been matured yet not to even talk of going into the realms of marriage. Get a professional advice. thats all i got to say. Peace.

****
Greatpeter,
Thank you for the opinion.   

He doesn't play around, and he is not a womaniser.  (used to go to club when he was single but doesn't anymore, he likes ladies as an ordinary man, like, having hots for actress and singers etc)
I hope that i could talk and do communicate with him in positive way.   
About possible bragging with luxuries on his home coming, you guessed it quite right.  (he said it)  I was very upset with his action, and this actually was my first time i ever put my story on the internet like this.  People giving me different opinions helped me to focus better.  I appreciate your advice, thank you.


****
Seun,
Thank you for your suggestion. 
No, divorce is unlikely, we just need to work on things, one by one.  I wanted to hear what others have to say about my case by putting this thread.  Thanks again for your time.


****
Kazey,
i guess my case will go into endless loop of my moaning should i stay and occupy nairaland forum server with this thread.  Anyway; i have to deal with the problem whether or not i take any help(professional or non professional).  I needed to hear opinions from other people, people who can see it objectively. 
i think we can work things out.  After exchanging serious talk and deep conversation last few days, i guess we are making progress.  Thanks for your time to input.

most men dont know the diff. bw necessity and luxury, if you take care of the neccesary he'll afford himself [and probably another woman] some luxury.
if you let him, he'll take you for a ride.

All this money thing, lending money, going half-half and things like that. It does not look like a true marriage. You don't trust each other.

chrisd:

All this money thing, lending money, going half-half and things like that. It does not look like a true marriage. You don't trust each other.

i guess so and you have not met his people ,please are you a nigerian?

No, she aint from Africa.

okay i understand now.