The Nigerian god is one.
It may have many
different manifestations,
but it is essentially
different sides of the
same coin. Sometimes,
adherents of the different
sides may fight and kill
each other. But Nigerians
essentially follow the
Nigerian god.
This article is for all those
who want to become
better worshipers. If you
are a new or prospective
convert, God will bless
you for choosing the
Nigerian god. This is just
how you must worship
him.
First, you must
understand that being a
worshiper has nothing to
do with character, good
works or righteousness.
So the fact that you
choose to open every
meeting with multiple
prayers does not mean
that you intend to do
what is right. The
opening prayer is
important. Nothing can
work without it. If you
are gathered to discuss
how to inflate contracts,
begin with an opening
prayer or two. If you are
gathered to discuss how
to rig elections, begin
with a prayer. The
Nigerian god appreciates
communication.

When you sneak away
from your wife to call
your girlfriend in the
bathroom, and she asks if
you will come this
weekend, you must say—
in addition to “Yes”—“By
God’s grace” or “God
willing”. It doesn’t matter
the language you use.
Just add it. The Nigerian
god likes to be consulted
before you do anything,
including a trip to Obudu
to see your lover.
When worshipping the
Nigerian god, be loud. No,
the Nigerian god is not
hard of hearing. It is just
that he appreciates your
loud fervour, like he
appreciates loud raucous
music. The Nigerian god
doesn’t care if you have
neighbours and neither
should you. When you
are worshipping in your
house, make sure the
neighbours can’t sleep.
Use loud speakers even if
you are only two in the
building. Anyone who
complains must be evil.
God will judge such a
person.

This is how the Nigerian
god judges people who
are your enemies- evil
people who want to spoil
your hustle; like your
colleagues who don’t
want your promotion;
like your single old
aunties who secretly
don’t want you to marry
that rich handsome man
(who you haven’t met
yet); like all your
neighbours who are
stopping you from
getting pregnant: He
violently consumes them
by fire. He returns all
their evil plans back to
sender. So when making
requests about all your
enemies, do not pray that
they be forgiven or that
they change. Pray that
the Nigerian god kills
them off with such
violent finality that there
is nothing left of them.
Attribute everything to
the Nigerian god. So, if
you diverted funds from
public projects and are
able to afford that
Phantom, when people
say you have a nice car,
say, “Na God”. If someone
asks what the secret of all
your wealth is, say, “God
has been good to me”. By
this you mean the
Nigerian god who gave
you the uncommon
wisdom to re-appropriate
public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god
when you don’t feel like
working. The Nigerian
god understands that we
live in a harsh climate
where it is hard to do any
real work. So, if you have
no clue how to be in
charge and things start
collapsing, ask people to
pray to God and ask for
his intervention.
The Nigerian god loves
elections and politics.
When you have bribed
people to get the Party
nomination, used thugs
to steal and stuff ballot
boxes, intimidated
people into either sitting
at home or voting for
you, lied about
everything from your
assets to your age, and
you eventually, (through
God’s grace), win the
elections, you must begin
by declaring that your
success is the wish of God
and that the other
candidate should accept
this will of God. It is not
your fault whom the
Nigerian god chooses to
reward with political
success. How can mere
mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does
not tolerate disrespect. If
someone insults your
religion, you must look
for anyone like them and
kill them. Doesn’t matter
what you use—sticks,
machetes, grenade
launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.
The Nigerian god
performs signs and
wonders. He does
everything from cure HIV
to High BP. And the
Nigerian god is creative:
he can teach a person
who was born blind the
difference between blue
and green when the man
of god asks, and he can
teach a person born deaf
instant English. As a
worshipper you must let
him deliver you because
every case of sickness is
caused by evil demons
and not infections. Every
case of barrenness is
caused by witches and
has no scientific
explanation. So instead of
hospital, visit agents of
the Nigerian god. But the
Nigerian god does not
cure corruption. Do not
attempt to mock him.
If you worship the
Nigerian god, you are
under no obligation to be
nice or kind to people
who are not worshippers.
They deserve no courtesy.
The Nigerian god is also
online. As a worshipper,
you are not obliged to be
good or decent on
Facebook or twitter all
week except on Friday
and Sunday, both of
which the Nigerian god
marks as holy. So you
may forward obscene
photos, insult people,
forward lewd jokes on all
days except the holy
days. On those holy days,
whichever applies to you,
put up statuses saying
how much you are crazy
about God.
These days, the Nigerian
god also permits tweets
and Facebook updates
like: "Now in Church" or
"This guy in front of me
needs to stop dozing"
when performing acts of
worship.
In all, the Nigerian god is
very kind and
accommodating. He gives
glory and riches and
private jets. And if you
worship him well, he will
immensely bless your
hustle.

This article was written by elnathan john, if u wish to read the full article go here elnathanjohn..com/2012/07/how-to-worship-nigerian-god.html?m=1

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You really do have a lot of points but there are some things I don't agree with. Nice article all in all. Anyways, thank God I don't serve the "Nigerian god".

made2fit: You really do have a lot of points but there are some things I don't agree with. Nice article all in all. Anyways, thank God I don't serve the "Nigerian god".

Yh because u slave urself to the middle easterners by serving the Israeli God

stu.pid post.

Shows the slave mentality of the OP, the writer and Nigerians in general.

Anything Nigerian is evil, wicked and worthy of criticism.

Let them worship their mass murderer and r.apist israeli god.

Kolo mentality.