Seriously, Nollywood was bad. I mean baaaaaaaad. So bad it can make someeone leap from Third Mainland Bridge, screaming “Ican’t take it anymore!!!” before they splash into what is their non-negotiable death. But don’t think it’s just Nollywood that had the depression inducing wackness. Other movie industries, including Hollywood, have a side dish of Captain Crapastic.

Action Stops For Action: Hollywood is the main culprit here. Action stopping for action is when, say, one thing is happening, then something else happens and all of a sudden, the previous thing that was happening does not seem to matter at all? Okay, I’ve got you confused here; lemme explain a bit. Remember that scene from The Hobbit where Gandalf, Bilbo and others were running from Azog and his extremely humongous wolves that would totally be the masters of this world if they existed in real life? Now, they had to climb into the trees to escape but the wolves were pretty smart and started causing the trees to be uprooted. Remember too that they were at the edge of a cliff and the trees were falling over the edge and all of them were at risk of falling to their deaths (though they would get an unrivalled view of a rather beautiful valley while falling) and Gandalf had already pulled off a string of saves with his staff that would put Petr Cech to shame.

All of a sudden, our hero, Thorin, suddenly realizes “Man, i’m Thorin, I can’t take no mo’ of this shit. I’m supposed to be handing this guy his ass!” and gets up from the tree while the others, who really should be trying to figure out burial arrangements if they didn’t get out of the tree fast enough, stop screaming and start watching him hero march (in slow motion, no less) towards Azog…..where Azog promptly hands him his ass on a platter in one of the shortest combats in high profile movie history between good guy and boss.

I mean, how unrealistic is that? Noone toldu s time was stopping. For a fantasy movie, that was pretty fantastic. Even Jim Iyke doesn’t attempt those kind of stunts here. In Nollywood movies, when there is danger, the people scream, shout and pray, regardless of if Gentle Jack decides to form hero (which, realistically, is how most of us would react). It was as if, because Thorin finally remembered he was supposed to be courageous, all laws of gravity suddenly ceased to exist.

Bullshit.

And while we’re still on the laws of physics…..

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Chinese movies vs Laws of Physics: If there is one thing the Chinese Movie Industry (Chollywood, would it be?), seems to be trying to actively do, it is poking a long finger in the eyes of the laws of physics at every opportunity it gets. Now, while I wouldn’t want to lay too much into Jet Li and his apparent powers of awesomeness, I realize (by all those kung fu movies we watched as kids and BlackBelt TV on DSTV) that it’s not just Jet Lit, it is nearly every other Chinese movie that has anything to do with family, honour and the Emperor (which pretty much covers all the Chinese movies). No, i’m not talking about all those magic-power fantasy movies like Evil cult that clearly feature supernatural powers. I’m talking about movies where all they use are actual weapons like swords, spears and shields but they’re still leaping about like garden frogs on steroids. I was watching one on BBTV yesterday, and this guy, who was clearly being bested by the guy he was sword-fighting with, just suddenly leapt from ground level to a height of one storey at the very least. And I was like “If he could fly-jump like that, why didn’t he do that in the first place?”.

Oh, I forgot. He was fighting for the Emperor.

Lazy ass bastard.

And still on the Chinese issue…..

Chinese Ballet: No, not actual Chinese dancing, you dolt! Remember all those sword battles we used to watch on Chinese movies back then that we used to think were the most awesome things in the world after choco milo and coconut candy? Well, now i have the chance to watch them again, they look curiously like well choreographed ballet. Sure, fight scenes in movies are always choreographed (else Jet Li would end up with three black eyes and one leg) but those in those Chinese movie look like an elaborate gay mating dance between actor and boss. When the good guy pushes forward, the bad guy draws back. Then steps to the side. Then raises his sword. Then brings it down. Then the good guy steps to the side, dodging that sword. Then they continue like that for twelve hours before the actor decides “Abeg, Bleep this” and stabs the boss in the stomach who then spits out more blood than a stabbed person can possible have coming out his mouth like that.

If you learn those moves, you could win Maltina Dance All next year!

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Thai Horror Movies And Free Porn: Okay, I doubt if any of you has watched any Thai movies (asides Ong Bak, which most of you didn’t even finish). I was in that same situation till I decided to rectify that situation by buying a Thai horror movie collection the same day my Madre decided to buy a new TV and home theatre system. So I got home and saw them setting it up and they needed a CD to test the home theatre and TV together. In I popped the CD and (seriously, who added skip to point to DVD home theatre systems?) boom, hot Asian sex was happening right in front of myself, my mother and the TV installation guy who happened to be a member of our church.

Now while I had quite a bit of explaining to do, I managed to somehow get my mother to not burn the CD and watched it on my laptop in privacy. Yep, half the entire collection was naked people and sex of all kinds. I was wondering if, by mistake, I had bought a porn CD but I checked a few of them online and, yes, they are listed as Thai horror movies (google translate had to help me out though, so maybe the Thai word for porn translates into horror in English).

Heeeey, wait a minute! Come back to your computer! If you go out to start looking for Thai horror movies, I will tell your wife. Or mother. Or pastor.



Indian Movies Beat MTV For Music Videos: In my opinion, the only place you can watch more music videos than MTV is a Bollywood movie. While, I must admit, it has been a whole year since I last watched a Bollywood movie so i’m not too sure if they still do that crap but c’mon! If I wanted to watch music videos, I would switch to MTV Base. Or Channel O. Or Music Africa. Okay, scratch that last one, I would rather watch a Bollywood movie. But realistically, if I had to sing and dance an entire music video to/with my girlfriend each time we meet/have a disagreement/the camera zooms into our faces while someone shouts/sings Aaaaaaaah! at the background, I would rather be gay. I mean, take away the music videos from Bollywood movies and most of them would be an hour thirty minutes long, not the four snooze fests I had to endure while I was little and we had an aunt over. But it’s not like I hate them o, don’t get me wrong, some of those songs are really good but could they cut it down to just one music video per movie?

Pretty please?


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