The Pastor did as was commanded after which the officer now ordered:
“Please read Matthew 5:25, 26 to me.”
The incredulous Pastor opened to the recommended passage and read:
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to a judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth; you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.”

The man of God quietly made an ‘offering’ of ‘just’ one N100 to his new found ‘preacher’. End of service! Go in peace and argue no more, said the OC.

A born again pastor was preaching to a 15 year old boy at warri.
he said Jesus said if somebody slap you on your right chick give him the left, the pastor hardly finish when the boy landed him a hot slap. the pastor gave him a hot chase to hisa father. the pastor told the father what happened and the man said to theboy why? did u do that, he said papa he still dey owe me one

The pastor of a certain church lost his hen given to him during offering. He searched for it for a long time then he came to the chuurch to anounce it.

PLEASE brethren he said ;i want you to be honest with me. Who has seen a cock .


At this all the women in the church stoogd up thinking he meant who had seen a dick.


No you rotten minded people i mean who has seen my cock. At this all the nuns in the church stood up thinking he meant who had seen his dick.

A man entered a bus.
He was sitting between an old woman and a beautiful young girl.
All of a sudden, he fell asleep, when he woke up, he found himself laying his head on the old woman's lap. when he saw her face,
he said "lord, lead me not into temptation"he slept again.
when he woke up the second time, he found out that he was laying his head, this time on the beautiful girl's lap.
when he saw her pretty face, then he smiled and said "oh lord, let thy will be done"

;d ;d ;d

Fr. Thomas had just been transfered to a new out of town parish.
at the train station, he met a boy playing and asked him
"hello, how do i get to St. Paul's parish?"

"I don't know father" said the boy.

after walking about 200meters, Fr. Thomas heard someone calling and turned round to see the boy standing with another boy and waving.

he walked back and smiled at the boy who said

"Fr. meet my friend John. HE TOO DON'T KNOW!!!"

lol

There was this man whose house was flooded he became stranded and was crying to God for help God please help me!!!!!! God please help me!!!!!! then someone came to rescue him he said no I am waiting for God to come and not you then the man left after being rejected. The man whose house was flooded got drawned and died. When he reached heaven. He asked God why didn't he come and save him when he was calling upon him to day and night to save him when his house was flooded God said to him that that person he rejected was sent by him it is also like him coming to physically save him.

A couple was having a wedding in the church then reaching the cutting of the cake as it is usually done in every wedding some people were called to come and comment on what they saw while the couple were cutting the cake one of them said they cut the cake

together showing they are united with one heart the second one said she saw peace,understanding and joy the third person said that as they were cutting the cake he noticed that the woman's hand is under and the mans hand is on top which means whatever a man and a woman is doing the woman is under and the man is on top is very good

Funny one.

In a bible study class in community primary school,the teacher one question about the part of body which goes heaven first .
This the dialouge between them.
TEACHER:Which parts of the body goes to heaven first?
A PUPIL:I Sir.
TEACHER:Yes you.
PUPIL:LEGS.
TEACHERFlagabasted and trumatized)WHY?
PUPIL:This is because, when my dad and mum are in bed at night, my mom will raise her two legs on the wall,
and shout oh God am coming,

haaaaaaaaa. @rhino am lmao.

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on , very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

lol

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his congregation.At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned.Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked." "A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov 17:22a) Have a good week and make someones' day.

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'D appreciate it if you'D just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

hahahahahaha, that is a good one, i guess pastor go with the highest bidder.

KunleOshob:

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on , very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

good one here kunle

$$Rhino:

In a bible study class in community primary school,the teacher one question about the part of body which goes heaven first .
This the dialouge between them.
TEACHER:Which parts of the body goes to heaven first?
A PUPIL:I Sir.
TEACHER:Yes you.
PUPIL:LEGS.
TEACHERFlagabasted and trumatized)WHY?
PUPIL:This is because, when my dad and mum are in bed at night, my mom will raise her two legs on the wall,
and shout oh God am coming,

LOL, Rhino i thought you said it was clean jokes ok o!

Carlosein:

LOL, Rhino i thought you said it was clean jokes ok o!

Yes now, na clean joke now~~~i beg no spoil me oh

me spoil you ke, it didn't me that will spoil you. _{not after what you heard your parents do at night}

Carlosein:

me spoil you ke, it didn't me that will spoil you. _{not after what you heard your parents do at night}

lol

Please Don't Let Me Be Late!

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Sunday School.

As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!
Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!"

As she was running and praying, she tripped on the footpath and fell getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please
don’t let me be late! But don’t shove me, either.”

Three people went to make international call the first person is from Nigerian the second person is American and the third person is from second Europe They all stayed too long during the long distance call so after the call they now ask

for their bills the person from America was told that his bill was three thousand he gladly payed the other person who is from Europe was told that his bill is two thousand five hundred pounds he gladly payed the other person who is from

Nigeria was billed only one naira he was very curious and asked why upon he stayed too long over the phone more than the rest he was told that his bill is small because his call is considered local calls why because Nigeria is very close to hell fire ( because of nigeria present situation )

A sign from God

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of
them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a
man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live
together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and
hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police, "

Killer Confessions!!!!

Three pastors took a day off and decided to go fishing after a busy Sunday.

They agreed its so difficult preaching to people all the time and no one preaches to them.

Sitting by the river with little response from the hooks one pastor thought of sharing his heart with others.

He said " guys its rare to get such an opportunity to be among ourselves like this. It would be good if we look into our lives and help each other with our weaknesses". They all agreed to this.

This pastor said " Gentlemen I need help! The people in my church give a lot of money every week. I started taking little by little but now I take a big chunk. I can't stop stealing from the church please pray for me. The day they will find out I will be fired"! Another pastor said "brothers your sins are better than mine! I have slept with every woman in the church including married women. As I preach my eyes hover over the congregation looking for the next prey. If this is discovered people will not fire me, they will kill me!" The last pastor's feet were shaking as they were talking. They thought he had a big story to tell.

He stood up and said " My brothers my problem is gossip! I can't sit anymore. I have to share this! I will be back!

A man once spent days looking for his new hat.
Finally, he decided that he'D go to church on Sunday
and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The
sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat
through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he
waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the
minister.

"Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10
Commandments, I changed my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I
started to preach 'Thou shall not steal,' that changed
your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery.
When you started to preach on that, I remembered
where I left my hat."

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents:

An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head.

"Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this.

When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"

The priest was ministering to a man who was terminaly ill and about to die

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to offend anybody."

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names , and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling , and barely audible , when he asked, "Which service? , the 8:30 , or the 11:00?"

A little girl and her mother were in church when the girl started to feel ill.
"Mommy, can we leave now?" asked the girl.

"No." replied Mom.

"I think I'm going to throw up."

"Well go out the front door, walk around the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

A few moments later the girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" asked Mom.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way around the church, throw up and be back here so soon?"

"I didn't even have to go outside. They have a box right by the front door that says 'for the sick'."