GUYS AND GALS, I KNOW I HAVE POSTED A SIMILAR THREAD TO THIS B4. FRANKLY TO CUT A LONG STORY SHORT I WORK 40HRS AND SO DOES MY HUBBY. I HAVE BEEN PUTTING IT TO HIM FOR ABOUT FOUR YEARS NOW THAT HE NEEDS TO BE ABLE TO HELP OUT A BIT AT HOME, ALL HE DOES IS SWEEP THE FLOOR. FOR EG TODAY WAS HIS DAY OFF, I COME HOME DISHES EVERYWHERE CUPS ALL OVER THE PLACE. I AM VERY VERY STRESSED, I HAVE A VERY VERY STRESSFULL JOB, I HAVE THREE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND MY SOLICITORS EXAMS COMING UP SOON. HE CANNOT EVEN MAKE A NOODLE PACK. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM BUT I AM ACTUALLY BEGINNING TO FEEL SICK. HE IS A VERY GOOD PERSON BUT A LAZY ONE. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW A NAIJA COUPLE DEAL WITH THIS. I MEAN I DONT THINK IF A NIGERIAN MAN IS MARRIED HE WILL COOK AT ALL. I AM AFRAID TO ASK IN CASE HE WILL SAY "OH THESE OYINBO WOMEN SEF" ETC ETC. I KNOW NAIJA LADIES ARE VERY STRONG AND THIS IS PROLLY NOTHING TO THEM. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT I CAN DO AT THIS STAGE, I AM SO STRESSED I WONT BE ABLE TO WORK ANYMORE. HOW DO I REAPPROACH THIS MATTER WITHOUT COMING ACROSS AS A FEMINIST RADICAL?

tell him you want what nija women get back home. . . househelp

.

I don't know how to advice you here cause me too I'm lazy in cleaning the house, so what I do is I hire a lady who come to my house 3times a week to do the cleaning and pressing, what I do sometimes or more often is cooking. I suggest your husband do so to ease both of you the labour.

In our culture men are lazy in terms of Domestic works.

yeah i spoke to my sister in law not complaining sort of joking and she said all her childhood the boys always played football while she did all the cooking and cleaning. She also told me that it is like a joke to see a nija man in the kitchen. See,  my culture is quite the opposite based on the fact that its 50 50 for bills etc. I don't know, I'm afriad to say it in case he will resent me or something so i just don't know really. All I know is that I will either run myself into an early grave or have a nervous breakdown or both actually. I cannot ask him to cook because he can't even boil water. Also, this is in europe I live so housemaids are not an option. I wouldn't allow that either anyway. Even if Idid show him how to cook i am afraid he will run away.

@ Leilah
Fancy meeting you here, but how long has you hubby been overseas? I am of a different mindset, I actually enjoyed cooking, I cooked everyday for my two kids almost everyday for the lenght of the marriage, the cleaning I am not very fond of. Depending on how entrenched he is in the Nigerian culture you should be able to talk to him about it. I do not agree that you need to hire a maid to clean for 3 people and probably with all you have on your plate now you might not be able to afford it. The only approach that would have worked with me was a non confrontational approach. Try it after making love, both of you are not stressed, both are feeling good(hopefully )
Try to be direct and say honey, I need a little bit of help around the house, no yelling and no raising of voices.
ps I am going to correct you again but this is not a Nigerian problem but a communication problem. Also it sounds like you are newly married, since your daughter is only 3 so you are still in your feeling each other out.

ILL BE MARRIED 3 YEARS VERY SOON (jAN2006) I KNOW HIM A LOT LONGER THOUGH. YEAH MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN TO AN AA FATHER FROM CHICAGO WHO IS HALF NIGERIAN (NEVER MET HIS DAD) AND HALF AND AFRICAN AMERICAN.

SO MY DAUGHER IS IRISH, JORDANIAN, NIGERIAN, AFRICAN AMERICAN AND SOME SOUTH ARFICAN ALSO.

WELL THANKS VERY MUCH FOR THE ADVICE I WAS AFRAID TO APPROACH THIS BUT LIKE THAT I WILL VERY POLITELY SAY THIS AND I WILL TELL HIM I UNDERSTAND IN YOUR CULTURE ITS LIKE A JOKE TO SEE A MAN IN THE KITCHEN BUT, EH I NEED A LITTLE HELP. THATS GOOD THAT YOU HAVE AN INTEREST IN COOKING, I LOVE COOKING TOO I CAN MAKE MOST OF THE IGBO STUFF NOW. POINT IS IM WRECKED, I REALLY AM.

In our culture men are lazy in terms of Domestic works.

I blame their mothers.

Absolutely karmamod. But what are their wives supposed to do whilst living in the west where there is no househelps available.  Is it not a form of modern slavery? I mean the way Nigerian ladies have to work and then do EVERYTHING at home. I don't think they realise it. What would you do?

Leilah:

Absolutely karmamod. But what are their wives supposed to do whilst living in the west where there is no househelps available.  Is it not a form of modern slavery? I mean the way Nigerian ladies have to work and then do EVERYTHING at home. I don't think they realise it. What would you do?

well see, I wasnt raised with my mom doing everything cos my dad helped/helps her with just about everything. She's a very lucky woman and my grandmother was a smart woman for raising him that way. That's why when I read about things like this it just seems foreign to me and I find it annoying to read.

how do you claim to love someone and just watch as they do everything INCLUDING working? It's rubbish. Fake Naija 'love"

anyway you should find time to explain how you feel with your "husband", no arguing, and see what he has to say for himself. "you know it'd be really nice if you could help me with this and that" blah blah. Sure it's pathetic to have to tell him when he should know but hey it's what you're gonna have to do

yeah thats very true. But I think they must automatically expect their wives to slave away for them regardless!!! can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ya can try though!!!

Thats quite enlightening that you were raised that way fair play to your dad!

you cld try explaining it to him they way u hv on here,

tell him u cant cope at the moment with everything u hav goin on, tell him u'd hav gotten a househelp if it was possible and that all u want is just a little assistance until u find a way to manage everything. . . hopefully he isnt too Nigerian to take it the wrong way

KarmaMod:

I blame their mothers.

Not actually, There people who never in their life time clean or engaged in domestic works at home. they try to get someone who do it for them for pay. And that is the situation I want Leilah to adopt in her own case. She can't be doing 40hr work and also raising Husband and daughter at the same time, no way.

Let him pay some domestic workers to carry out the job.

I don't clean but I do some times the cooking and someone come to our house 3times a week to do the cleaning and ironing.

akininNC:

@ Leilah
Fancy meeting you here, but how long has you hubby been overseas? I am of a different mindset, I actually enjoyed cooking, I cooked everyday for my two kids almost everyday for the lenght of the marriage, the cleaning I am not very fond of. Depending on how entrenched he is in the Nigerian culture you should be able to talk to him about it. I do not agree that you need to hire a maid to clean for 3 people and probably with all you have on your plate now you might not be able to afford it. The only approach that would have worked with me was a non confrontational approach. Try it after making love, both of you are not stressed, both are feeling good(hopefully )
Try to be direct and say honey, I need a little bit of help around the house, no yelling and no raising of voices.
ps I am going to correct you again but this is not a Nigerian problem but a communication problem. Also it sounds like you are newly married, since your daughter is only 3 so you are still in your feeling each other out.

Hi Leilah,
Unitl recently I was in the same dilemma as you, the only difference is my hubby used to help with the cooking and I am Nigerian. I tried shouting and fighting and this did not help, then I also tried what akininNC suggested and it worked for a short while and then he relapsed into his old ways.
Then I told him since you are not willing to help and I am getting way too stressed with being a mother, a wife , having a career, being a cleaner, a cook etc, we have to find a way forward. I then asked him if it was okay we had a live-in aupair who could helped with doing some of the house chores and the school runs and he agreed and I also said since she will be playing the part he is meant to be he would have to pay for her services.

I have to tell you things have become so much more easier since we have had the au pair, I still do all the cooking and some of the cleaning of the house but it is so much more easier when you can come home to a clean house. I now have time to play with my little one in the evenings instead of rushing off to do the dishes and all other house chores. For the weekend him and I can go out , we and do stuff together as a family.

I am not advising you to get a live - in au pair, but you can get a cleaner to come in 3 or 4 times a week to ease the burden of doing everything yourself and once in a while you can ge a baby sitter around for the weekend so that you can either spend some time with your hubby or with friends , or just relax generally.

I hope things work out for you though.

Yes Ebonyj thank you!! but we are stone broke we can hardly make it as it is. Anyway will will see, I very kindly addressed my concerns he seemed to have understood those concerns. I really don't think its possible to domesticate nigerian men and if even if you did suceed in that i feel as though they would resent you. However, he sugested that i make stew and soup (enough for one week) and put it in the fridge. He said nigerians can eat food that has even been in the fridge for a week. I personally can only eat food that has been in the fridge under 72hrs. So we will have to see.

Very smart decision. I have hardly anytime for my little girl and that has to change. Yeah always a mess for me to clean. In the west, househelp is simply not affordable and besides only we live in an apartment. I would not have another woman live in my home. UNless she was incredibly unattractive. 

lol at your last statement. I live in the UK and it is a bit expensive but I don't care as I am not the one paying for it. I don't mind her living with us she is 52 We are still both in our early 30s.
I wish you good luck though!

Leilah:

Yes Ebonyj thank you!! but we are stone broke we can hardly make it as it is. Anyway will will see, I very kindly addressed my concerns he seemed to have understood those concerns. I really don't think its possible to domesticate nigerian men and if even if you did suceed in that i feel as though they would resent you. However, he sugested that i make stew and soup (enough for one week) and put it in the fridge. He said nigerians can eat food that has even been in the fridge for a week. I personally can only eat food that has been in the fridge under 72hrs. So we will have to see.

Very smart decision. I have hardly anytime for my little girl and that has to change. Yeah always a mess for me to clean. In the west, househelp is simply not affordable and besides only we live in an apartment. I would not have another woman live in my home. UNless she was incredibly unattractive.

Leilah,
Naija food is ideal for saving. I live alone and I freeze everything from stew to cooked meat and broth. You can boil your ground onion and tomato mix and have stew ready in 30 mins. All it takes is better planning. Hopefully you like Nigerian food! Keeping the house in order just takes a little cooperation. You have spoken to him, lets see how long before he reverts back to his old self. Hopefully he wont but if he does call him out but I know as a Nigerian man you have to have the proper approach.

be careful about live in nannies and au pairs unless they are 65 year old and toothless

if he won't cook and clean,are there other things he can do?
Use him in those areas.
My own husband will not wash a plate in the sink or even load the dishwasher but he would do laundry and bathe the kids.

I've been is those tough siuations when it all gets so overwhelming.
Leilah my advise woud be that you cut back
As wives and mothers we tend to do too much and over extend ourselves.

1. Cut back or eliminate  the ballet lessons,cheer leading and other activities the kid is involved in for now

2.make his soups and stew or other meals in large quantities and divide them up in smaller containers and freeze them bringing out how ever much he needs daily fo daily consumption.

3.simple meals like spaghetti and meat balls using store bought sauce and frozen meatballs, mac and cheese from start,marshed potatoes and gravy with steamed veggies for yourself and the little girl if you don't eat naija foods.

4.There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeding the little girl a bowl of cereal and fried eggs for dinner once in a while
when you're too exhausted to cook.
You're not a bad mother if you do.

5.The kitchen is not mopped nightly and the floor is not vaccumed,and so what?
Don't try to do too much,do it when you can and keep your stress level low.

6.Hire a maid once in a while if you can afford it to clean the house,dust and mop.
It's worth it.


I used to be like you.
I did and did and expected my man to pitch in, he tried but that was not him. He relapsed so often, I gave up and devised means to destress myself by simply cutting down on the things I did and paid someone to do the ones I can't.
I even pay a Nigerian caterer once in a while to make me moi moi ,suya and meat pies that'll last a while.
I'm happy,he's happy,the kids are happy.

emeeh
Emecha I bia gwa anyi na isiri moi moi di uto
na isiri OKPA nsuka

agaba123:

emeeh
Emecha I bia gwa anyi na isiri moi moi di uto
na isiri OKPA nsuka

Agaba ROFL
I still do make killer moi moi's on my own
what is it?

plus_Queen:

Agaba ROFL
I still do make killer moi moi's on my own
what is it?

nothing. just passing

a learning process.
by the way, osisi, can one freeze joloff and shrimp fried rice?

leilah,

keep it up lady . make stew and soup and put in fridge. it can last up to 8days without spoiling. maybe more. for me i prefer weekly stew and soup. so is beans too. but only the ones that can stay up to seven days as i don't have time. am cooking for me alone and when i settle down, am going to do the same. i make fish stew, orishirishi stew for the week. i eat with boil rice or yam etc. so nig meal can stay for a week and still taste nice.

am not sure for jrice if it can be frozen, ?
egusi stays long too.

may we have men who will feel good helping out.

i just heard a story from my classmate. her sister's hubby don't like to do anything too. they both work and when he is home, he wont change the baby diaper nor clean up the kids. if the baby pooh the man wont do anything till the woman comes back from work to come do it.

the man brought her to the obodo. in my mind i was like if she leaves now they will say he brought her here and she don vamoose

not good to freeze J.rice. It gets messed up.

You can store it at 4C for 2-3days. I do that for meself. My stew can last a week.

Leilah

Y make your best to behave as nigerian woman in a lot of aspects
I just dont understand why the bills are 50 % 50% .
Why don't you make he support the whole house and you save your money or make something to you or your daughter in the future , in the case he decided run away to Nigeria to get married with a naija women in some years , at least you ll have a lot of money saved ? I hope it don't happen. But from a naija men with foreign women, i expect everything.

Sds

thank you so much thats what I'll have to do. I normally do make stew sauce with meats and things like egusi soup, orah soup okro etc etc and store them in the fridge, I actually thought they would spoil within like 48 hours. yeah i reckon it would be alright if they are in a sealed container in the fridge. I only have a tiny feezer so I can't store anything in that only meat.

Are you sure it woudl still be safe to eat? well he can eat them I suppose. yeah I love nigerian food I have no problem with it all all. I do sometimes make pasta and cous cous too. I LOVE cous cous. Hubby hates it though.

@simi I have all that planned

he pays all the rent that one is not 50 50.

he also pays the NTL bill and gives me money now and again for clothes.

he also pays for about 60% of the foodstuffs. I put things 'on the long finger' as we say in Ireland, meaning I have it in the back of mond but don't let it take over. (I know only too well what you mean Simi)

I have already realized you are clever and wise, I just ask for be sure
I am happy you understood and didn't pick ofense.
I just dont understand you, I feel you , because the boat you are , I have already traveled , lol

@ Simi and Leilah,

If your approach to marriage is to worry about the prospect of your man running back to Naija and being sneaky with your man then your relationship is doomed to fail. I will remind you again that if the relationship was entered in to with love love and honesty you have nothing to worry about. I am a Nigerian man and I have no intention of running back home and leaving my children to fend for themselves.
To Simi
Would you feel differently if the man you were talking about was Brazilian and he left you for another woman, would you be making these same idiotic statements. It seems to me that both you and Leilah seem to have picked the wrong man and you seem to then put all Naija men in the same boat!

No Akin, I didn't pick the wrong man. its just that most go home to roost. I mean Nigeiran women are better for nigerian men. They do everything and 'shut up and put up'. So what man doesn't want that.

Well this is where your argument falls flat. If you believe most Nigerian men go home to roost then you should not have married one. You have insulted all Nigerian women by saying they will shut up and take it. I can guarantee that you have not met that many Nigerians because if you have you would not be making all theses general statements.
I cannot imagine any man treating my sisters that way and expecting them to shut up and put up. You are half Jordanian and the same can be said about them but I know it is not true but I have taken the time to learn a little about the society. You cannot make general statements about a whole culture based on your very limited contact with a few people. You are educated and it is important for you to learn about the culture or else your relationship is destined to fail.
I stayed with my "white" wife for 20 years. Does that make me the rule or the exception? The same goes for my brother and sister. I can go on and list over twenty friends that I grew up with in Boston married to foreigners and still married, none of them have decided to go home to roost!