Hi Nairalanders,
Last four years that my one and only sister called me to come to somewhere in eastern Nigeria to meet her husband, I asked her if she's really ready for this now.... she was too young in my eye then and i advised her to calm down and enjoy her new found job and be single for a while after the strenuous normal naija university wahala but she declined... She introduced a guy to me and i observed he's cute, calm and hardworking and before you know they came all the way direct to my dad and he gave his blessings and they married happily and were really in love back then...
OK, that beign noted, now their marriage in on the edge of collapsing with three lovely kids a boy and two girls... after this semester's exam i went to their house to spend a few days and noticed my sister was not that excited whenever i mentioned his husband and also i confirmed my suspicion when the man came back from where he's handling a project and they didn't even exchange words... i was shocked and the following morning and confronted him as he was about to drive out and he was really bitter and told me that he is tired of the marriage, he cited that my sister hardly follows his orders and goes on to do what she likes,... he cited a certain issue where she told her she wants to travel to a nearby state where she wrote waec to get her originals and they agreed she will board a cab and he gave her 10,000 naira for going and coming and my sister agreed initially but when he left she drooped her kids at her mom's and took public transport... he also gave me other instances of how she disrespects him and other stuffs.. and also he showed me a text where my sis said she is tired and needs a divorce...
On the other hand my sister have a different version of the story, she said she wanted to save money that how can she spend 10k on a journey that the going and coming won't be more than 1500, she also revealed how he beat her up at any slight provocation.. she also cited that the husband is too autocratic and don't share ideas with her and also she wants him closer and other stuffs..... she even said that the man accused her of having other intentions that was why she decided to take a public transport... i can't go on pointing out every detail here.. this issue now is the current problem in the house... the have three lovely kids and i really want them to be together... they are yet to inform my dad but i need suggestions on how to make their marriage work... pls, any marriage counselor around should help me... i really want my sister to stay married and also i like the husband alot,he's like a role model to me and also a nice guy and i think my sis should come down and be a submissive woman but she's older than me and gets really mad whenever i try to point out her flaws, i know her well and know she's a woman that loves to be on top and i feel the man is feeling unsecured and wants to be the man of the house...

Is not all about being submissive, the guy maybe comparing her with another person.@ this time,she needs prayer seriously and if she can ,let her travel for a while to see if he will look for her.The institution is becoming too challenging everyday.It will only take the grace of God and patience for u to endure d challenges

she just gave birth to a son that's not up to 6 months, she can't leave her kids to travel and the man is handling a project in a nearby state and comes back every two weeks to see his family..... thanks anyway!

You sister told her own version of the story and the man also did thesame.


Did you call them together for a discusion?

Someone needs to talk to them. They need counselling.

Op you have done a good job in giving a balanced view of the situation.
Most couples start marriage out starry eyed and believing the fable of "I'm in love". That "love" is a fairytale planted into our subconscious by white people. It does not exist even in the western worlds because they too undergo the same problems and have high rate of divorce.

Back to the point. From what you are saying a lot of water has gone under the bridge. The feeling of 'love' has gone and now they are seeing themselves for who they really are. 5years of ANY relationship no matter how sweet initially will do that to you. That is why the church and the laws of the land make it difficult for you to divorce, they are logical and know such challenges will arise.


Marriage is first and foremost about sacrifice, not love. You partner with this person because you love the person enough to sacrifice yourself and put the persons needs before your own. A selfish marriage can never last. A man or woman looking out for himself or herself in a marriage will never be happy and will most likely divorce or separate at the end of the day.

My advice, let them go back to marriage class(real marriage class preferably from an orthodox church.) . it will help them refocus the reason for the marriage. They should also consider the children because like I said marriage is about sacrifice, put the children and not yourself first. Yes I said so. Try and get them to have what is called a family session where someone or some people they both respect will sit them down without interruption and allow them to air their views. I'm not so for pastors in this kind of meeting because most of them will quite scriptures and just expect the couples to comply without airing their views. Better to get elders who have a sound moral background and hopefully are still married themselves. This should help.

Prayer also works. If you can get them to pray together it will allow them voice their issues subliminally to thiwr partner in the name of prayer points to GOD. This happens in a lot of families and a listening partner makes good use of it.


This is a normal problem. If they both work at it , it will even bring them closer together and make their marriage last with a better understanding between them.

Shalom.

LEAFLET: Hi Nairalanders,
... pls, any marriage counselor around should help me... i really want my sister to stay married and also i like the husband alot,he's like a role model to me and also a nice guy and i think my sis should come down and be a submissive woman but she's older than me and gets really mad whenever i try to point out her flaws, i know her well and know she's a woman that loves to be on top and i feel the man is feeling unsecured and wants to be the man of the house...

I am not a marriage counselor, but experience will always remain a better teacher.

Talk to sister very well. If you are holding any reservations because she is older than you, you'll probably might want to bring ur folks in, your mom may be the best position to talk to her, while you implore ur in law to be patient with her, as he appears to be a nice man (sic).

Your sister appears to be the stubborn type, going by ur brief description of her. Make her to understand that "gra gra" does not work for every man, and by the time she realises it , it might be late for her.

5minsmadness...nice post

Leaflet let them start counselling

Does she have a job

Also I'm a bit concerned about her account that she is being beaten

Same old tales

Cece23: Is not all about being submissive, the guy maybe comparing her with another person.@ this time,she needs prayer seriously and if she can ,let her travel for a while to see if he will look for her.The institution is becoming too challenging everyday.It will only take the grace of God and patience for u to endure d challenges

Why do Nigerians believe prayer will solve every problem? It's like we address every issue with prayers, instead of us to assess situations objectively and take practical steps. if the woman pulls the stunt of leaving her home and the husband doesn't give a damn what happens?

@OP, that marriage got screwed the day the man started beating his wife. If he is such a nice guy why didn't he report her to your family before the beating?. She can't respect him easily after that. The bulk rest with them there is little you can do, they both have issues and they need to retrace their step. Respected families or counsellors can be invited to intervene but you must get your sisters approval. But if that beating continue she must leave the marriage before the worst happen.

Thanks everybody...... Talking about my mom... she's no more as in i don't even know her.... Also i can't get both of them to discuss the matter with me, they will never agree! I don't know if i should involve any family member like my dad but they don't want to tell him what's going... How do i suggest a counselor where they don't even talk?/

LEAFLET: Thanks everybody...... Talking about my mom... she's no more as in i don't even know her.... Also i can't get both of them to discuss the matter with me, they will never agree! I don't know if i should involve any family member like my dad but they don't want to tell him what's going... How do i suggest a counselor where they don't even talk?/

Since they don't want 3rd parties then leave them for now. They may have a way of settling their issues. I have heard of couples who beat themselves well and make up with intimacy. There is a lot of madness going around these days in the name of marriage.

LEAFLET: Thanks everybody...... Talking about my mom... she's no more as in i don't even know her.... Also i can't get both of them to discuss the matter with me, they will never agree! I don't know if i should involve any family member like my dad but they don't want to tell him what's going... How do i suggest a counselor where they don't even talk?/

How invested are you in this?

If you want to see this through then you have to surprise them. You can arrange a family meeting without thier knowledge and invite them. It is a drastic measure but necessary before they make irreparable mistakes.

Some couples say everything should be kept within themselves. That in its own is another fallacy. No man/woman/couple is an island. Its not all issues a couple can solve by themselves. If it was then we wouldn't have so many divorces.

Tell some elders you trust about what is going on. They will know how to go about inviting them and talking to them. You on your own would have done your part.

All the best.

Both of them need to learn communication. She communicates by being rebelious, he communicates by being physical.

He wanted her comfort and safety for the trip, God forbid if anything happened, they will pay more than 10000 for her to be back to health, she was being penny wise and pound follish, as a mother and a wife you dont decide things that border on safety on your own.

He may have also grown up in a home where violence was the answer to any problem, the has to learn to talk with his wife.

I wish they were here, they need help. He should not hit her again. He should speak with his heart and mouth

Op, since you can't talk to them together, why not talk to them separately? ? You mentioned that ur sis always likes to be on top, tell her that there can't be two captains in a ship..also, call her husband bk as regards beating his wife. ..just talk to them the best way u can..speak to them about seeing a counsellor, if one agrees, the other may give in...Goodluck



I'm happy you're concerned about your sister's welfare, not like some people that will tell you to mind your business that they're adults...

Am I the only one that read the part where the woman mentioned that he physically abuses her??

And you are still in the house?? Your sister is still in the house??


eeeeheheheeeeh....I don die! In fact, it is good for some of these women getting married to non-feminists. Any man that doesn't believe his wife deserves the same right as him does not have any respect for her and she is simply a puppet he acquired to do his bidding.

Bottom line!

POVERTY MARRIAGE!

Do you see BELLA ADENUGA'S sister crying on NL likey ya?

Typical NIGERIAN MARRIAGE. . . .aka USING POVERTY TO ESCAPE FROM POVERTY!
Na where she wan go with 3 children(no marra HOW LOVELY?) . . .AND NO EDUCATION? Dat is a HEAVY LOAD!
She berrra sit her azzzze RIGHT WHERE IT IS!

i know her well and know she's a woman that loves to be on top and i feel the man is feeling unsecured and wants to be the man of the house...

MADAM AT THE TOP! She already gatz 3 kids! She spends waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time ON TOP OF HER HUSBAND'S BLOKOS! She needs to change strategy. . . .OR SHE WILL BE TAKING OKADA for a verrrrrrrrry long time. . . EVEN TO GHANA!

ma man no be force to comment abeg..........

LEAFLET: Hi Nairalanders,
Last four years that my one and only sister called me to come to somewhere in eastern Nigeria to meet her husband, I asked her if she's really ready for this now.... she was too young in my eye then and i advised her to calm down and enjoy her new found job and be single for a while after the strenuous normal naija university wahala but she declined... She introduced a guy to me and i observed he's cute, calm and hardworking and before you know they came all the way direct to my dad and he gave his blessings and they married happily and were really in love back then...
OK, that beign noted, now their marriage in on the edge of collapsing with three lovely kids a boy and two girls... after this semester's exam i went to their house to spend a few days and noticed my sister was not that excited whenever i mentioned his husband and also i confirmed my suspicion when the man came back from where he's handling a project and they didn't even exchange words... i was shocked and the following morning and confronted him as he was about to drive out and he was really bitter and told me that he is tired of the marriage, he cited that my sister hardly follows his orders and goes on to do what she likes,... he cited a certain issue where she told her she wants to travel to a nearby state where she wrote waec to get her originals and they agreed she will board a cab and he gave her 10,000 naira for going and coming and my sister agreed initially but when he left she drooped her kids at her mom's and took public transport... he also gave me other instances of how she disrespects him and other stuffs.. and also he showed me a text where my sis said she is tired and needs a divorce...
On the other hand my sister have a different version of the story, she said she wanted to save money that how can she spend 10k on a journey that the going and coming won't be more than 1500, she also revealed how he beat her up at any slight provocation.. she also cited that the husband is too autocratic and don't share ideas with her and also she wants him closer and other stuffs..... she even said that the man accused her of having other intentions that was why she decided to take a public transport... i can't go on pointing out every detail here.. this issue now is the current problem in the house... the have three lovely kids and i really want them to be together... they are yet to inform my dad but i need suggestions on how to make their marriage work... pls, any marriage counselor around should help me... i really want my sister to stay married and also i like the husband alot,he's like a role model to me and also a nice guy and i think my sis should come down and be a submissive woman but she's older than me and gets really mad whenever i try to point out her flaws, i know her well and know she's a woman that loves to be on top and i feel the man is feeling unsecured and wants to be the man of the house...

This is one of the problems we have in Nigeria. Your sister is being beaten and you are telling her to be submissive. You even say the husband who beats your sister is your role model. How then can the man stop beating her. This is why women die in their marriage because even their own family will be against them. I feel sorry for your sister. I get the feeling you want the marriage to work not for your sister but for your own selfish gain. If my sister was being beaten by her husband, her safety will be my main concern because any other problem, they can sort on their own as married people.

5minsmadness: Op you have done a good job in giving a balanced view of the situation.
Most couples start marriage out starry eyed and believing the fable of "I'm in love". That "love" is a fairytale planted into our subconscious by white people. It does not exist even in the western worlds because they too undergo the same problems and have high rate of divorce.

Back to the point. From what you are saying a lot of water has gone under the bridge. The feeling of 'love' has gone and now they are seeing themselves for who they really are. 5years of ANY relationship no matter how sweet initially will do that to you. That is why the church and the laws of the land make it difficult for you to divorce, they are logical and know such challenges will arise.


Marriage is first and foremost about sacrifice, not love. You partner with this person because you love the person enough to sacrifice yourself and put the persons needs before your own. A selfish marriage can never last. A man or woman looking out for himself or herself in a marriage will never be happy and will most likely divorce or separate at the end of the day.

My advice, let them go back to marriage class(real marriage class preferably from an orthodox church.) . it will help them refocus the reason for the marriage. They should also consider the children because like I said marriage is about sacrifice, put the children and not yourself first. Yes I said so. Try and get them to have what is called a family session where someone or some people they both respect will sit them down without interruption and allow them to air their views. I'm not so for pastors in this kind of meeting because most of them will quite scriptures and just expect the couples to comply without airing their views. Better to get elders who have a sound moral background and hopefully are still married themselves. This should help.

Prayer also works. If you can get them to pray together it will allow them voice their issues subliminally to thiwr partner in the name of prayer points to GOD. This happens in a lot of families and a listening partner makes good use of it.


This is a normal problem. If they both work at it , it will even bring them closer together and make their marriage last with a better understanding between them.

Shalom.

you couldn't have said it better.

babygirlfl:

This is one of the problems we have in Nigeria. Your sister is being beaten and you are telling her to be submissive. You even say the husband who beats your sister is your role model. How then can the man stop beating her. This is why women die in their marriage because even their own family will be against them. I feel sorry for your sister. I get the feeling you want the marriage to work not for your sister but for your own selfish gain. If my sister was being beaten by her husband, her safety will be my main concern because any other problem, they can sort on their own as married people.

Plz tell them.
SAY NO TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
I am a survivor

I am really glad to everybody that bothered to drop one or two suggestions here on how to save this couples marriage.... For the records,They are back on track and i think this issue made their love stronger.. I am very happy for how things later turned out to be.. Don't know how they managed to settle but they settles without any outsider intervening.. '' never take a couples matter too serious because they will definitely settle and you might become the enemy if they are not the understanding type or if they are not sure of your stand in the case''.....