THE PRESIDENT SPEAKS FROM GERMANY:
Hello Nigerians, it is with gratitude to God and humility before Him that I speak with you this morning, to let you know that I'm alive, hale and hearty as opposed to rumours circulating around that i'm dead. I know those behind those rumours. I don't know why some people seek to politicize everything including your dear President's life. Anyway, it is the usual way of APC but thunder will strike them one by one and their case is already in supreme court.
I had earlier intended that my visit to Germany be a low key one but some APC agents in my cabinet would not just stop running their mouths. And since Nda-Isiah joined them Sahara Reporters has received a boost and I can no longer keep secrets. When I return, all in my cabinet shall swear the oath of secrecy.
Haters insist my illness is due to chronic overdose of our locally brewed gin, Ogogoro, an opinion sponsored by unpatriotic importers of international brands to discredit local expertise. Well, to God be the glory, doctors here have confirmed that could only be farthest from the truth.
Some even thought it was Ebola. Hahahahahaha! Typical of Naija people wishing their leaders death. Well, for your information, risk assessment has pointed out that I have very low risk of contracting the the disease. First my name is Ebele, specialists believe it's an attenuated form of the virus. Second, they said since it's not my habit to visit crisis areas, my chance of contact with an infected person is extremely low. They've however suggested that I suspend hand shakes with all Black Africans since 2015 is near and possibility of political bio-warfare by APC can not be ruled out. We are hoping that other coloured and white people will not fall mugu to APC tricks and deprive you of the best man come 2015. They sent Patrick Sawyer in the first place, but confused, he boarded Lagos flight instead of Abuja. Hahahahahaha! Those who live by the sword die by the sword. We have also in addition spent N1.9billion to install hand sanitizers in and around Aso rock, what remained of the money was used to procure mahogany planks to construct isolation centres in Lagos. After all APC is to blame.
Some wicked people were wishing that I get to Germany and find all the doctors on strike or sacked. Hehehehe! Those wicked souls must have assumed Germans to be thoughtless people. Sometimes remembering that Jelly fish has roamed our seas for 700million years without brain consoles you when you share a country with such people. Let me enlighten them nonetheless, you see, Germany is an orderly country and we chose our destination of visit carefully. Virtually everything is world class here. You need to see the diagnostic machines in these hospitals. Mama P almost passed out at sight of technology. Their hospitals are manned by well trained doctors. Failure of Nigerian residency training to produce such world class doctors is the very reason that informed my decision to ban residency training in the country, a decision that was well received and applauded by patriotic Nigerians. Fellow patriotic country men, I must confess that Germany is a great place to come to when you fall ill; they have well equipped hospitals. I enjoin all of us to hence forth patronize these hospitals and forget those unpatriotic Nigerian doctors whose hospital are barely equipped to match any third world country. Pls come here, you won't regret it and you will thank me for it.
As a testimony, after all the examinations and investigations, the doctors found nothing wrong with me and said I only need some rest. Thanks to the doctors and the German government.
I also want to show my appreciation to the witch doctors and prayer warriors whose expertise it took last week to discover the black magic amulet buried in backyard in Otueke by APC. I never knew some people could be so wicked to wish that I go deaf and dumb, but glory be to God or gods or whose so ever deity worked. Amen. Thank you all.

Oh I won't be afraid of the arrow by day
From the hand of my enemy
I can stand my ground with the lord on my side
For the snares they've set will not succeed
Chorus(with Mama P)till fade:
No weapon fashioned against me shall prosper, it won't work

*As I struggled to change the channel from NTA to BBC I suddenly woke up n realized I was actually holding my phone.

He that keepeth Israel does neither sleep nor slumber

it is well IJN