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|The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by vikel2104: 1:49pm On Oct 04, 2014|
I pulled this off a blog. Enjoy.
The Nigerian Experience
Nigerians are so big on respect. They love to be respected and they teach their children to respect everyone older than they are, even if they’re just two minutes older. Please whatever you do, do NOT greet a Nigerian elder with ”hi” or ”hello”, it does not end well;
You: Hi aunty
Aunty: Ehn? Hi kwa? Can’t you say ‘Good Afternoon”
There may or may not be ensuing slaps. I believe respect is also the reason why children are not allowed to drink malt, No? Even in weddings! The servers will pass by you or give you coke, Fanta or Sprite if you’re not an adult.
-No one punishes like Nigerian parents. It’s a fact. The fear of your parents is also a very good place for wisdom to start. When you have committed, your parents will call you by your full name (Chukwuemeka Obinze Nwokolo) and after a dialogue that is actually a monologue of them shouting rhetorical questions like; ”Am I your mate??- at you, they will proceed to either flog you or hit you with anything from a spatula to slippers. God bless you if their weapon breaks on your body, because then you will be beaten for the loss of the weapon. Also, do not attempt self defense, you might destroy the weapon and like I said, that doesn’t help you.
And do not try to run, they will throw things at you and catch up with you. So, don’t do it.
Also, whatever you do, do NOT respond to any accusation your Nigerian parent makes because it will be held against you.
”Why are you just coming home?? You were with that boy again abi??”
”Daddy.. we just went to…”
”Shut up! Are you talking back at me??”
-Nigerian parents are the lords of sarcasm and bitter irony. When your father calls you ”my friend”, it’s not good. They also have the habit of calling your name a specific number of times (they know this number) designed to instill fear and then they’ll ask- ”How many times did I call you??” - when you’ve done wrong. They’ll say things like - ”Ask me!’ ‘ when they don’t know the answer to your question or ”oya beat me!” when you try to defend yourself against them.
They’ll tell your teacher to flog you, yes, they might plead with her to flog you very well if you do wrong. You might be fortunate to have parents on the other side of the spectrum who’ll come with a cane to flog your teacher after she has flogged you.
-Try not to correct your Nigerian parents, especially in English related issues. If they’re in a good mood, they’ll laugh and say;
”Ha! It’s not my language oh!”
If they had a bad day?
”So, you now have no respect abi? Is that what they’re teaching you in that your school?”
-Nigerian parents are not pro dating. They are pro marriage. They expect to see a prospective husband or hear about someone coming to ”knock door” when you’re twenty five but they expect you to never date anyone.
They are not the greatest in sex education either. This is what happens in most Nigerian homes when the girl begins to menstruate;
”Ehen, Amaka. Now, if a man just touches you, you’re pregnant oh!”
-They were all straight A students in their time. You have no business failing any course.
”Mummy, I had 90% in Mathematics!”
”Ehn… Where’s the other 10%?”
Daddy interjects: In my time, I had 98%
Well, what can we do? This is why Nigerian students do very well everywhere.
-Nigerian parents do not understand the
song choices of this generation.
Nigerian parents are very squeamish about saying ”I love you”. You have to say it first. Many Nigerians have never actually heard their parents say ”I love you” to them. They love you, they’re just shy. I know, it’s cute.
-If you were raised in a Nigerian home, especially if you’re female, you’ll know that every morning, you should sweep the house and its environs. Basically, you clean every day like a health inspector is coming to visit. The only problem is that Nigerian mothers are stricter than the average health inspector.
-Nigerian weddings are the greatest! Food and dance! The problem is that it starts two to three hours later and to be an MC you have to be a proficient ‘apologist’ to apologize constantly and promise to set the guests free on time.
Another problem is that people will probably fight about food and drinks. And insult those serving and accuse them of enormous partiality. You also have to bring a gift or forget about receiving a soh-veh-niah (souvenir).
We invented spraying money on the couple while they dance happily. And then we dance on the naira notes.
At a Nigerian event, it is most likely that you’ll be unable to see in front of you, thanks to the many gele wearing women.
-NO NIGERIAN PARENT WILL PAY YOU FOR DOING CHORES.
”I’ll use the money to feed you. Who pays your school fees??”
They will even make you wash dishes and clothes when you have a dishwasher and washing machine. Do you want your husband to send you home?. No? Ehen, wash.
-Hot chocolate like ‘Milo’ is called ”tea”.
In Nigeria, no one drinks tea. It means you’re suffering because you can’t afford milk or you’re trying to lose weight. *shrugs*
-Visitors show up without calling and eat all the food in your house and leave a mountain of unwashed dishes. At least, its not as bad as family that come to stay for a week and stay a year.
And now, some final fun facts;
-In Nigeria, an average road side seller of ‘Gala’ runs faster than Usain Bolt.
-Nollywood movie witches are 100% scarier than Freddy from ‘Friday the 13th’.
-Nigerians are accustomed to doubling words, e.g; ‘follow follow': A person who follows the crowd. ‘Chop Chop': Someone who loves to eat. ‘Kata Kata': Basically trouble of massive proportions.
-Nigerian breakfasts are the greatest. They range from akara, bread and akamu to yam pottage. They’ll have you either sleepy all day or extra fortified depending on the kind of person you are.
-No one makes declarations like Nigerians;
Calling the name of their hometownwhen they slip ”Isiokpo oh!”
”The devil is a liar!” can be a declaration, confirmation or question.
”Jesus is Lord!” comes in handy in times of profound shock.
-A Nigerian child is everyone’s child. Your mother can call your neighbors to beat you. Yes. Or they’ll just come on their own. This is why everyone both related and unrelated to you is your ‘aunty’ or ‘uncle’.
I love Nigeria. I love my parents and all Nigerian parents and every time I see other children who weren’t raised properly, I’m grateful to my parents for teaching me courtesy, respect, self sacrifice and patience. Appreciate your parents! They love you.
Let's hear your funny experiences growing up as a Nigerian.
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|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Ameerasexy(f): 2:10pm On Oct 04, 2014|
Nice write-up '
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy...Front page tinz..
If u feel me do the needful
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Nobody: 2:14pm On Oct 04, 2014|
My Dad: Odi,so you scored 15/20?
Me: yes,I actually scored the highest.
My dad: If you could score 15,what made you fail the other 5?
Me: Daddy,the questions were difficult o
My dad: Shut up,I'm talking,you are talking,who is to listen?
60 Likes 1 Share
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Tallesty1(m): 2:20pm On Oct 04, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 2:51pm On Oct 04, 2014|
My mum could shout your name when you're miles away and what is she calling you for? To get her the tv remote that is just a few steps away from her on the center table.
55 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by bigfrancis21(m): 3:35pm On Oct 04, 2014|
I'm loving this!
So many of these things you mentioned my mom used to do full time. She had a special pet name for me she used to call me each time she was happy to either come and stay with her in her room for some gist time or help her out in the kitchen, and when I did something wrong or she was angry about something, then my name would come out properly and loudly. Then I knew I was in trouble.
My mom always 'came' first in class. For me to 'confirm', she'd tell me to call her elder brother(a guy man who knew my mom's trick trick and would help even butter her story more sef ).
21 Likes 1 Share
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by bigfrancis21(m): 3:46pm On Oct 04, 2014|
on May 9, 2013 at 2:13 AM
There was one time I went to a hospital, and they were forcing one little boy to drink his medicine which of cus he didn’t like. To my ernest surprise the mother wrapped this little boy like an anaconda, used her fingers to shut his nostrils leaving the poor boy with no choice but to open his mouth AND GULP!! went in the medicine.That was some 6 yrs ago and I still haven’t recovered from that.
51 Likes 4 Shares
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by bigfrancis21(m): 3:51pm On Oct 04, 2014|
Another hilarious comment by someone pulled out too.
on May 9, 2013 at 12:14 PM
I love your post! This is hilarious. Most of these things apply to me. i have never been to a Nigerian wedding so maybe one day I’ll see the money spraying in action. I have, however, seen money spraying at random Nigerian functions and the fields of gele, lol.
It doesn’t matter what country you are in, a Nigerian parent is a Nigerian parent. I grew up in London and my parents have done most of these things I got the whole respect thing which is important but some adults abuse the privilege. I got the punishments. I had a huge bunch of keys thrown at me across the road because I was scowling at a family outing, I didn’t want to take pictures. We were crossing the road and the funny part was I had to go and pick it up. My dad once threw his ice cream at me in France out of frustration. I did deserve it but I didn’t realise it at the time. My brother and sisters walked away from me like they didn’t know me. Lol!
I was lying on the couch when I was younger and I puked on the floor. I just lay down and acted like I was sicker than I was. Either my mum or dad came back to the house and saw it and said ‘Who do you think is going to clean this up?’ Nigerian parents have antennas and no child can escape!
I told my dad something about his phone bill being high and he told me to shut up and that I was stupid. When he received the bill at the end of the month, we both knew who was right. I didn’t wait for the apology. Funny thing is that I do the exact same thing to my dad. I will talk even if I am not right and by the time I realise he won’t bother waiting for an apology because it will take hours, lol! Self defense did work for me once though. I was blocking faster than Jackie Chan! I’ve only tried it the once. I respect my parents for the punishments. I did resent them at the time but I understand now. A favourite of my dad’s is ‘Who are you making that face for?’. You even have to smile while they are shouting at you, lol!
My parents have never worried me about marriage though I was surprised when my dad said, a girl should me married by 24/5. I looked at him thinking, ‘Good luck with the wait.’ I still don’t understand the contradiction about not dating and marriage though. Sex education I learnt from school unless they did teach me and I forgot! Definitely the former.
As for education, I am lucky that my parents understood that it is not everyone that can pull an A out of their nose. My dad is always saying get A’s but if you come back with a C, he is still encouraging, God knows I have the best parents.
My dad thinks my music taste is horrible but I think his is worse. It’s a running joke between us. Lol @ Halo being a funeral song and Chris Brown sounding Efik! Your mum is funny.
I hate cleaning! My mum did teach me how to dust a tv for an hour! My dad knows I don’t like cleaning so he doesn’t bother me about it. He always jokes about getting a cleaner! I do force myself though.
I am familiar with visitors coming without calling which is annoying. They pick the say that you want to have a lazy day to appear.
For someone that has grown up in London, I say ‘The devil is a liar a lot’ especially when I am joking.
Nigerian films scare me even in the daytime. There was a film Liz Benson was in where a group of boys dug up her grave and stole her jewelry. She came back to haunt them. That wasn’t the scary bit. What was scary was the powder she packed onto her face to show that she was a ghost. I could not sleep for days! Nigerian scary films made me think at a time that a witch was going to pop out of nowhere.
It is interesting being a Nigerian. We are a different class of people. I am proud to be a Nigerian and I appreciate the way my parents have raised me. They made sure that I know where I am from by sending me to do secondary school in Nigeria and making sure that every year my family and I go to Nigeria. I am planning on moving back this year, I might have grown up in London but they have raised me as a Nigerian the core.
Essay over! Lol!
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|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 4:24pm On Oct 04, 2014|
someone please move this topic to the frontpage. Thank you.
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 6:14pm On Oct 04, 2014|
bigfrancis21:You can now see why Nigerians won't stop binding the devil and raining holyghost fire on witches. Nollywood movies have led to too much devil-consciousness among people and that's why 'fire' ministries will continue to spring up and flourish.
5 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by ochon: 6:55pm On Oct 04, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by ochon: 7:21pm On Oct 04, 2014|
Your Nigerian parent: Hilary! Hilary!! Hilary oooo!! Where is this stupíd boy? Where did this boy go to? Hilaryyyyyy!!!
*answers from downstairs where he's busy fetching water*
Hilary: Momsy, I dey down dey fetch water. My turn don reach. I dey come o.
Your Nigerian parent: c'mon will you come upstairs right now. Be fast. Useless boy.
*races upstairs with full velocity*
Hilary: I'm here ma. What happened?
Your Nigerian parent: *points to a remote controller 5cm away from her* get me that remote and on the TV.
Nigerian parents can be annoying most times.
18 Likes 1 Share
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by bigfrancis21(m): 8:44pm On Oct 04, 2014|
I watched Nneka the pretty serpent as a child and the movie really scared the hell out of me, especially the part 2 where Nneka did a lot of sudden appearances and disappearances. I watched the movie recently and even as an adult I still shuddered each time Nneka displayed her witch prowess.
3 Likes 1 Share
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 12:06am On Oct 05, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 4:45am On Oct 05, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by vikel2104: 1:11am On Oct 06, 2014|
When your father calls you 'my friend' it is not good
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by vikel2104: 5:18am On Oct 06, 2014|
frontpage please. Thanks.
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by ruffhandu: 4:11pm On Oct 06, 2014|
Nigerian parents are the best. Just that you won't realise it during the training period. However, they are mostly so when they are young. The older they get, the softer they become. Wonder why most grandmothers are pitched against mothers over the child, same woman who was a "Thatcher" to her daughter.
In all, you are as good-mannered and good-to-stand-on-your-own-anywhere as you are because of some of those trainings. Nigerian parents are great!
It doesn't end in them, they teach older siblings to also 'train' younger ones. Lol!
When you go out they ask "those you are always going to visit, how many of them come here?"
When some friend comes visiting, either often or spends some time in your house, and they feel his stay is becoming unpleasant, they'd say:
" doesn't he hav any errand to run in his house?"
My parents were the Best.
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by ruffhandu: 4:20pm On Oct 06, 2014|
I remember once when my elder brother claimed there wasn't enough salt in the soup we all ate.
Without consulting any of the stakeholders, he added extra salt in the soup. My kid sister, who quarreled with the guy-man that afternoon and they were not in talking terms as at that night, cried to my mum in protest. My mum came and confirmed the story from us, and next, she added more salt in the soup and asked the guy to keep eating. She dished us new soup to continue the supper. The dude never tried such poo without due consultation subsequently.
17 Likes 1 Share
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by hydeka: 5:31am On Oct 07, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by vikel2104: 5:40am On Oct 07, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by ruffhandu: 8:19am On Oct 08, 2014|
That's what they were. No be so?
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by vikel2104: 8:44am On Oct 08, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Adenugay(m): 8:59am On Oct 08, 2014|
Photos: My weightloss story – Ifedolapo Towobola
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Babyboy1986(m): 9:00am On Oct 08, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by iceberylin(m): 9:00am On Oct 08, 2014|
ĎŐŃŤ MĔŚŚ ŴĨŤĤ ÁŦŔĨČÁŃ PÁŔĔŃŤŚ
2 Likes 2 Shares
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by lilprinze: 9:01am On Oct 08, 2014|
Just came to read comments
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Richardjemedafe(m): 9:01am On Oct 08, 2014|
I'm tired of all this nonsense.. So because I gave
Obama my phone number, I can no longer rest again.
He has been disturbing me calling me on phone,
sending me text messages & just recently he added
me on Whatsapp.. Imagine any small problem he
encounters he 'll just rush his phone & call me for
advice & just last week Obama woke me up from my
dear sleep with his phone call just to tell me that his
daughter is getting married..!!! So if Ur daughter wan
marry mk I run comot port harcourt ni. & 2weeks
called me on phone apparently Obama gave him my
number,, imagine small Jay-z called me to tell that his
wife Beyonce is pleading for my autograph for their
child Blue Ivy... Wch kyn wahala b dis one.! &
because I gave Bill Gate money, I can no longer rest
Dangote.!! he's always coming to my house asking me
to give him money which I have given him enough but
he won't just stop coming.. naija greedy sha... nw that
2015 is around the corner our President GEJ is nw all
over me telling me to help him win the election.. Damn
what's all this.? Abeg Mk I go piss first,, I must
finish dis dream today
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Bryan12(m): 9:02am On Oct 08, 2014|
Sometimes I book space and forget to modify them.Not ma fault though.
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by yuzjet(m): 9:02am On Oct 08, 2014|
|Re: The Unique Life Of Nigerian Children And Their Parents by Rapzino: 9:02am On Oct 08, 2014|
My mum raised all four of her sons alone, ever since our dad passed away in 1998. You can misbehave in the daytime, but be ready for her koboko @4a.m; she won't wake you but her cane will. There is no dish we can't prepare, hehehe it was hard for us getting girlfriends then. Now we understand and love her, she's the best!
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