1. INSULT ON I NJURY

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest fuckin' baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"


2. IT HAS STARTED
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him,

"Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started."


3. FOOLISH ROBBER
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?

4. DRUNKEN LADIES
Two women friends, incredibly drunk and walking home got caught short. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. They then made off for home.

The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said "We'd better keep an eye on our wives you know, mine came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing" said the other "Mine came back with a card stuck between her ass that said 'From all the lads at the fire station. We'll never forget you'."



5. CORRESPONDING PUNISHMENT

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheik.

The sheik then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"


6. PROFESSIONAL COUPLE

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

7. COPY CAT

George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on. The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush. When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please." And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.


8. ACCADEMIA

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, and then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

9. THE MIX UP

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males take off your joysticks and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, “Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I GOT THE DONKEY'S RECEIPT!"

10.
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, you know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today. The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, when do you have time to plough your land? At night? No, the young farmer replied seriously, Night is when I put the water in the hole.



11. LAWYER VS POPE
A lawyer and a Pope died and arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18-room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a kosher TV dinner, but the lawyer receives a five-course meal including caviar, prime rib and chocolate truffles.


By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."



12.
WHY DO WE NEED FRIENDS?



We need friends for many reasons, all throughout the four seasons.

We need friends to comfort us when we are sad, and to have fun with us when we are glad.

We need friends to give us good advice. We need someone we can count on to treat us nice.

We need friends to listen to outo solve them.

We need friends because we are social in nature and having friends makes us feel secure.

We need friends to remember us once we have passed sharing memories that will always last.

That's why I need YOU!

13. FRANCE

One Monday morning the school principal was going round the classes to ascertain the level their intelligence. The teacher of class three A was taking his pupils on geography when the principal entered the class and the following ensued:
Teacher: Class someone from Britain is called a British. A person from Denmark is called Danish. A person from England is called English. ............and the teacher continued like that for some time. Then the principal faced James and asked; principal: James what is the name of someone from France. Then James replied; James: Sir, someone from France is called a Francis.

14.
A SENTENCE WITH SUGAR

A PRIMARY SCHOOL PUPIL WAS ASKED BY HIS TEACHER
TO MAKE A SENTENCE WITH SUGAR.
THE BOY REPLIED I DRINK TEA EVERYDAY
WHERE IS SUGAR IN THAT SENTECE ASKED THE TEACHER
THE BOY REPLIED, THE SUGER IS IN THE TEA.

15. MY DEAR JAGJIT,


I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.

I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.

I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address.

Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.

By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?

Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S: Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

16. LOCKED IN THE CLOSET

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.


The boy now has company.


Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "How much?" Boy: "$750." Man: "Fine."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."


The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again"



17. HALF SISTER

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this." William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married, “he
Complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

18 BLONDE IN FIRST CLASS

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section.
She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be
much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells
the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells
the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly
whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA.

19 TWINS

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids. She was yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

20. PSYCHOLOGIST

Psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a Carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions to enable her complete her project on nagging. After 2 weeks of nagging, he attacked her with a shovel and left her mentally retarded.

21. POLICE STORY
A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don’t listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

22. GOOD HEALTH

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good fortunes didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and the plane crashed . . . sending them off to Heaven.

St. Peter greeted them as they reached the pearly gates. He took them inside to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, fully stocked kitchens and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

The couple gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This is your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," St. Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window to see a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?" mumbled the old man.

Bemused St. Peter said, "This is heaven. You can play for free, every day."

Next they toured the clubhouse and were shown the lavish luncheon buffet, with every imaginable spirit and cuisine laid out before them. Reading the ol' Man's eyes St. Peter interjects, "Don't even ask. This IS Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Where are the low fat, low carb, low cholesterol foods? Decaffeinated tea?"

"That's the best part," St. Peter grinned. "This IS Heaven. You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick!"

The old man is now anxious, "Is there a gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my blood sugar or blood pressure or . . .”

"Never! Again. All you do here is to enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife . . . "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

23. SMART HARRY
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'what does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Fire truck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last five questions wrong.


24. PADDY BOY
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?

Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Paddy: Seven!

I. Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

25.
Two friends, one an Optimist and the other a Pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion.
One day the Optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his friend out of his continual Pessimistic thinking.

The Optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. His plan? Take the Pessimist and the dog out duck hunting in a boat.

They got out into the middle of the lake, and the Optimist brought down a duck. The dog immediately, and amazingly, walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The Optimist looked at his Pessimistic friend and said, "Now... what do you think about that!?"

The Pessimist replied, "That dog can't swim, can he?"

26. RUN FOR DEAR LIFE
Two guys run into a bear while talking a walk in the forest. The first guy quickly ties up his shoe laces and the second guy wonders: "Are you crazy? What makes you think you can outrun the bear?" to which the first guy replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear but I certainly must outrun you!"

27.
The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful, the world will prove loving and friendly and helpful to you. The world is what you are. Thomas Dreier

28. LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything

Just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

29.
>Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried >everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, >and nothing helped. > >As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school. "Those >nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's. > >After school on the very first day David ran through the door and >straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He >started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his >room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and >hit the books harder than before. >His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until >report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the >table, and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened >the report. > >David had gotten an A in math! > >She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David >honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns? "No!", said David. "On >the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I
>knew they weren't fooling around!"

30. A teacher was teaching her class to use good manners.

She asks a student, 'Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you needed to use the bathroom?'

He responded, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'

The teacher replied, 'That would be rude and impolite! What about you John, how would you say it?'

'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'

The teacher responded, 'That's better, but it's still not nice to use the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, how would you show your good manners?'

Peter said with a smile, 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.'

31
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yell at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as Hot as I am?' and she always acts like she's sound asleep!"

32,
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

33
Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you here for?" "I'm getting my tonsils out -- I'm a little worried," said Tim. "Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils removed and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!" "Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?" "I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is," Sammy answered. "Oh my God! Circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and couldn't walk for two years!"

34.
Two guys were in a bar watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge that was about to jump, obviously suicidal.

"I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy.

"Bet you $10 he won't," replied the second. Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first his money.

"I can't take your money," said the first guy. "I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news."

"No, no. Take it," said the second guy. "I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!"

35.
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation. Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; by the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'
36.
In an adult-education school, three 'pupils' were given oral
assignments during class hours to test their ability to construct
Simple sentences:-

Pupil A was asked to form a sentence with rice.
Pupil B was given bread to work on while
Pupil C was to make a sentence with beans

Their various responses:-
Pupil A -- My wife cooked rice this morning.
Pupil B -- Bread is sweet when eaten with butter.
Pupil C -- We are all human beans.{said with all seriousness of mind}

37
A certain young man who had spent the last 10 years in the USA was arrested by the Nigerian Police because he refused to bribe them for a minor traffic offense. He was amazed to be taken to the police station. The young man was very upset and angry. He was ranting and raging at the policemen; "you people don't know who I am, by the time I make one phone call you'll all wish you weren't born. I'm entitled to one phone call and you must let me make that call, I know my rights and I won't be trampled upon". He went on and on raking at the station. After a while the DPO couldn't take it any longer, and instructed a constable to throw the guy into the cell. When the guy was pushed into the cell he continued ranting and raging as to how he was entitled to one phone call as part of his fundamental rights. After a while the "president" in the cell got up and said "ADC I don tire for all dis englis e dey blow. I beg give this man him phone call ojare". At this time the ADC got up and gave the young man a resounding slap,
'gboaaaa'. He then calmly asked him: "e dey ring abi make I re-dial?" The young man meekly replied "NO..ooooooo no need to re-dial.....edey ring......Sir....e connect well well......

38
Hausa flight discussion





A flight from London to Kano develops faults in Nigerian airspace. Very worried the captain calls the Aminu Kano airport.





"Aminu kano airport this is captain smith reporting flight 007"

"Do you copy?"



Kano tower;- "yes Alhaji Smith we kofi"



British Airways "Flight 007 Reporting technical faults"



Kano tower;- "kai haba!"



British Airways; - "sorry tower couldnt get that"



Kano tower; - "okay phlight 00Seben kan you tune fawa in injin?"



British Airways; - "Negative power in engines dead"



Kano tower;- "Walahi?"



British Airways; - "Negative didnt copy"



Kano Tower;- "Kan u kom down to altitude twenty thousand pit?"



British Airways;- "negative tower, wings wont respond"



Kano tower;- "kai!"



British Airways;- "negative didnt copy that tower"



Kano Tower;- "okay d flane will kom down in som tym due to low injin fawa,

ofun yo taya at altidute sis thousan fit, due 1st sebenty digri"



British Airways;- "Negative, cant activate the landing gear"



Kano tower;- 'wayyo!'



British Airways;- "awaiting order, flight 007"



Kano Towers;- "okay refit apfta me"



British Airways;- "okay what?"


Kano Tower;- "ASHADU ANLA ILAHA ILLALAHU, WA ASHADU ANNA MUHAMMADAN

RASULULLAHI!



39
A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said, "O.K." He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty and said, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it was hard to tell."

40
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.

Nice d pope and d lawyer was my fav.

Ten Commandments For Life
These are like the ten commandments to follow in life all the time:
1. Prayer is not a "spare wheel" that you pull out when in trouble, but it is a "steering wheel" that directs the right path through-out.
2. Do you know why a Car's WINDSHIELD is so large & the Rear view Mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So,Look Ahead and Move on.
3. Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write.
4. All things in life are temporary. If going well, enjoy it, they will not last forever. If going wrong, don't worry, they can't last long either
5. Old Friends are Gold! New Friends are Diamond! If you get a Diamond, don't forget the Gold! Because to hold a Diamond, you always need a Base of Gold!
6. Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, GOD smiles from above and says, "Relax, sweetheart, it's just a bend, not the end!
7. When GOD solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when GOD doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities.
8. A blind person asked St. Anthony: "Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?" He replied: "Yes, losing your vision!
9. When you pray for others, God listens to you and blesses them and sometimes, when you are safe and happy, remember that someone has prayed for you.
10. WORRYING does not take away tomorrow's TROUBLES, it takes away today's PEACE.
(Presented By: Harish Nagpal, imhappy1949@yahoo.com)

Title: Flight Accident

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and ...?
OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the Captain came back on the intercom.

"Ladies and Gentlemen. I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pant!"

One passenger Yelled ...

"For God's Sake...
...
...
You should see the Back of Mine!"

Title: WHO SHOULD BE THE BOSS??

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss.

So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs
began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.

All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

Title: An english sentence

John is a primary 4 pupil in one of the puplic schools
so one day during an english lesson, this conversation
took place in a class

Teacher: okay class, who can make a sentence with "go"
class: "me", "me", "me",
Teacher: Ok Victor, you make the sentence,
Victor: I go go church tomorrow,
Teacher: Victor come what is that, correct yourself,
Victor: Okay i no go again.

Title: Let's Meet Life - Halfway At Least

Let's Meet Life - Halfway At Least
(Written by: Aruna Jethwani)
Everybody is floating in a vacuum, so to speak. Or, they're living on a surface.
We are strangers to our own self.
The world around us, glorifying glamour, celebrating the superfluous and taken up with virtual images, has become so disconnected. When one reads of a celebrity or student taking her own life, it makes me wonder, why would anyone wish to end what is essentially a beautiful life?
Loss of face, depression, weakness and fear of rejection by family and society are some of the reasons for dejection. All these point to one thing: lack of faith and stunted self growth.
Says Dada J P Vaswani, "Depression is not what happens to us. It is due to what happens in us." However, it is failures and difficulties that make life so interesting, he points out. It is unrealistic to accept success and profit all the time; it is foolhardy to consider life as nothing but a series of problems. "Learn to live life as it is. Bend and you will not break!" advises Dada.
During a crisis we do need emotional support from family and friends; but if such support is not available for some reason, it is necessary to find it within. Inner resource will help us detach ourselves from the maya of illusion. Remember the saying: `This too shall pass away.'
Scientist and inventor Thomas Edison once remarked, "There is great value in disaster."
It is true that disappointments, pain and suffering have made life difficult for many of us – but surviving those against all odds has also made heroes out of us.
Like a tea bag, we tend to become stronger when in hot water.
"For every hurt, for every plight, for every lonely pain racked night etc there is a reason. But if we trust the Lord, as we should, it all will work out for our good. He knows the reason."
There is a deeper meaning in life which is not seen immediately; it gets revealed slowly, later in life. But impatient as we are, we cannot wait – in our haste we forget to live and so we lose touch with our inner self that could have given us immense strength.
Insecurity grows by leaps due to lack of trust and that hinders bonding and so leads to absence of true emotional support. Add to this the excess of material values, which makes an individual self-conscious of his weaknesses. He suffers then from low self-esteem.
If only we could tap into our inner source, we would get empowered to face all odds. That is why it is so important to make the effort to shake hands with life; then it will meet us halfway.
Unfortunately, fear of failure haunts most people. We sail in the same boat.
We seek support and security in a relationship, in materialistic risk coverage, in money and friends. But the basic insecurity lies within. It can be transformed only with faith; by mental and spiritual exercises.
Perhaps the educational system should incorporate a curriculum of courage-giving courses to increase an individual's spiritual quotient.
Half an hour of yoga, meditation and storytelling of heroes and great souls and such inspirational talk would go a long way in making youth strong and courageous.
And to face the challenges at the ground level, let schools and colleges make it obligatory for students to do social service to the less privileged.
(Presented by: Harish Nagpal, imhappy1949@yahoo.com)

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Title: FORMING LEVELS

A Bentley just bashed a Range Rover SUV in Lekki. The two owners came out, inspected the damage, exchanged business cards and left. #Swag

Title: Babes and their runs wahallah

You take picture inside Rangerover sport, Infinity, Bentley,BMW X6, Ferrari,and on top Harley Davidson,then U want your boyfriend to believe You're not cheating.... Haba nah...Are You a mechanic?

20 TYPES OF STUDENTS YOU MEET IN HOSTELS

1. The rich guy/gal: This one comes to school as if he/she is packing into a new apartment. They have everything, fan, dryer, tv and all sorts of gadgets..and if any is stolen, they get another one ASAP.

2. The Pastors:these ones walk room by room preaching d gospel. not bad though

3. The beggars:these ones beg for anyting....salt, peper, shoes and even boxers...and dey behave as if their father owns the world.

4. The lucky Friends:these ones Always comes around wen d food is ready...as if dem plant camera to monitor you.

5. The village man:this one comes to school wit all sort of tinz like Maize, okpa, cassava flour, cutlass (may be to farm who knows?).

6. The problem solver:this one's room is Always full during exam and test as students wants to get solution to their academic problems from him..na only God know where dem go since.

7. The cooks:these ones enter d kitchen more often than the rats living there. They cook all day that you begin to wonder if they were admitted to cook.

8. The lover boys: This one dont cook but brings food from different gals everyday...i heard its called "COOLER MINISTRY"

9. The thieves:these once will be like, "I like this your Shoe o" before you know it, ur shoe is gone.

10. The gamers:these once plays games...pes, fifa, Nfs, killswitch and others all day.


11. The boyfriend analysers: Their job is to rate, criticize and analyse other people's boyfriends


12.The prayer warriors: They turn the room into a revival ground all by them self.. though we still dey wait for room crusade.


13. The Friday night: this ones can never skip a party on Friday even if they have exams 8am Saturday morning. Every red carpet dem dey there. Party no complete without them. You be DJ?


14. The DJ's: this ones can play music with their home theatre that you hardly get to hear yourself when you talk. Dem fit make you run mad overnight.


15. The Oliver Twist: These ones beg anytime he sees you. something like "abeg make I hold 1H from you, tomorrow "baba bucks me 100 make your guy try recharge." I know of a dude that does this often, at a point I gave up on him.

16. THE SQUATTERS:These ones have sworn that they will never pay hostel fees. They are ready to squat all through their stay in school. when it's evening, they will be encouraging u to go to night class so that they can occupy ur bed like matter. "Shebi....Michael has gone to night class? Na me dey flex him bed tonight, so make nobody near there"


17. The bathroom-inspired musician: These ones when ever they are in the bathroom, they find it difficult to come out, they will just be singing as if they are in a music studio or doing some kind of concert. "Bros.... I don hear u, u sabi sing like dis pass Wizkid na him u dey here....abeg come commot I get lectures"
Nowadays, in nigerian hostels today, every room has an upcoming artiste!


18. The Fighters: anytime you hear gbas! gbos! they must be there..you wonder if their future has anything to do with school.


19. The Talkative: These students talk from morning till night.


20. The debaters: they can argue on any topic from football to sex to d existence of God and even silly topics as 'which garri beta pass, ijebu or ibo garri'. If you have these as room mates, get ready to loose your sleep to the incessant arguments.

Title: Medical Advice

A man is working with an electric saw when he accidentally saws off all 10 fingers. He rushes to the emergency room, where a doctor tells him,
"Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

"But I don't have the fingers!"

"What! You don't have the fingers?" exclaims the doctor. "You should have brought them to me! We have microsurgery techniques these days and could have put them back on as good as new."

"But Doc," says the fellow, "How do I pick them up."

Title: custody

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court. But the custody
of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and
protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this
world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his
children. The judge asked for his side of the story. After a long moment of
silence, the man rose from his chair and replied "Judge, when I put a dollar
in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to
the machine"

Title: keys..... does ese.....

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked,

"What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied,
"Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you...
Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked
What kind of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled,
"What do you mean what kind of * kee' am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

.