Divorce is one of the most stressful things that can happen in
a lifetime. Next to losing someone we care about, divorce
ranks as a top stressor. Any time that we are under stress, we
are vulnerable to making short-term reactive decisions that
can have negative long-term effects. While avoiding
emotional heartache is almost impossible, it is wise to be on
alert and aware of some of the traps we may fall into. You
may want to share this list with those who care about you to
point out to you if you seem to be steering off course.

Top things to avoid doing in your divorce
* Do not play or think of yourself as the victim -- avoid the
blame game regardless of the situation.

* Do not bad mouth your ex to your children
Your children are one half the other parent and saying bad
things about them sends the message to your children that
they are half bad. Your children's self esteem can be very
quickly damaged by continuous fighting and bad mouthing.
Instead, share your feelings with friends and family while
your children are not around. If you do slip up, as we all
make mistakes, then quickly apologize to your kids and tell
them you will try not to do that again as you know it hurts
them.

* Do not think that the court room or a legal battle will satisfy
your appetite for revenge (you future success in life is the
best revenge)
Sometimes when we feel that we are not going to be treated
fairly or if we believe that our spouse is to blame for our
breakup, we might look to hire a lawyer who can "stick it to
them." Do not confuse justice with fairness. Most couples
leave the court system feeling beat up and a lot poorer. Very
few think it was worth it or that they won.

*Do not underestimate the long term impact of affidavits
Affidavits are prepared to "state your case" or to "tell your
side of the story." One very wise judge said that there is
something about putting negative things about your soon to
be ex in an affidavit that once in writing it can never be
taken back. If there are children involved and you need to
continue to parent together after your divorce, then these
should be avoided if at all possible. If you have to file one
with the courts, then ensure it states facts only. Your
perspective is not fact.

* Do not deal with the asset division and parenting plan at the
same time
Your children matter the most and while you likely want to
settle parenting quickly, take it one logical step at a time.
Negotiate money and kids separately to avoid a tug of war
between money and kids. While parents seldom
intentionally use kids in negotiations, it happens all the
time -- even if not directly stated. The best way to avoid this
is to deal with money matters first, therefore reducing the
worry and stress around that and then move onto parenting.
This way both parents are in a better place to just focus on
creating a co-parenting plan that works for everyone.

*Do not get involved with someone else until you are
divorced
While it may seem that you have both moved on and are
"over" each other, there is nothing like a third party to spike
all sorts of reactive behavior. Leave space between your old
and the new, not only for the sake of ending your divorce
peacefully but also for your emotional wellbeing.

*Do not let your emotions drive your decisions
Ensure you are surrounding yourself with people who can
tell you what you need to hear as well as what you want to
hear. Emotions can play havoc with our ability to see
clearly. Usually in financial matters, there are only a few
reasonable ways to divide assets and so if you find yourself
going around and around in circles -- it is likely that your
emotions may be involved.

*Do not prolong important decisions
By nature we are pleasure seekers and pain avoiders. Divorce
is painful and so avoiding it and the decisions associated with it is natural. The issue is that sometimes once it is clear that it is time to make a decision and we prolong it -- the
consequences can be worst then if we had made it sooner.
Try to lay out a written plan and try to discipline yourself to stick to it.

*Do not base your financial decisions on attachment to materials things (ie: your home)
Your home is what you make of it between the walls -- not the actual walls. You can create a home anywhere if you have the right positive attitude. You do not want to be divorced and house poor. Your kids are much better off with
a happy stress free parent than one that is home bound because of limited finances and household chores.

* Do not let your divorce define you. It is only an event in
your life. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Create a vision of your new life and hold that vision close and trust that some day it will come true.