Written by Etcetera
Bless me father for I have sinned.
My last confession was two days
ago. Father, I am an entertainer and
I have been lying to my fans for
many years. Really? Tell me about
these lies my son. Father, where do
I start from? The lies are so many
that I don’t know where to start. Go
ahead son, you start from anywhere,
the Lord is listening.
Father, I lied that I was signed by a
foreign record label. I also lied that I
am a brand ambassador of one of
the telecommunication firms.
Whereas I was only paid to make
the jingle and later feature on the
TV commercial. I also lied to the
public that my album sold six
million copies. My son, why all
these lies? Father, I am not the only
liar in the industry. We are all liars.
Lying is part of the job’s
description. Are you serious? Yes
father, I am being very frank with
you. My lies are even mild
compared to some of my
colleagues...
Imagine one female artist lying that
she was a backup singer for Mary J
Blige. How can she be a backup
singer for such an international star
and nobody saw any pictures or
videos. Normally as an entertainer
such materials could have been
used to promote her brand. She
also lied that she wrote a song for
Fantasia that won a grammy. As I
am confessing to you, nobody
knows the title of the song. There’s
no credit to her on Fantasia’s
catalog. A Nigerian singer said all
these? Yes father.
Her own lies are even small sef.
Another female singer lied that
Beyonce’s father was her manager
while she was in the US. No you
must be joking! Haba Father, can I
be lying to you during confession?
My son, as a reverend father in this
parish, I have seen so many strange
things. When a man is possessed
by the devil there’s nothing beyond
him. And from what you have been
saying, there is absolutely nothing
beyond you entertainers. But go on,
tell God more of these lies of yours.
I have lied about buying houses in
Lekki and other parts of Lagos. But I
thank God that till today no one has
thought of looking up these
properties at the ministry of lands
otherwise I would have been caught
pants down. Are you listening
father? Yes go on son, the Lord is
also listening. Ok, I have been
bribing radio presenters for a long
time to play my songs.
There is this veteran presenter on
the island that collects a million
naira and two bottles of Jack
Daniels and Black label and one box
of cuban cigar from me. He also
collects hampers and makes you
promise to buy him a cake on his
birthday. You mean he collects all
these just to play a song? Yes
father that’s what he charges.
Jesus Christ of Nazareth, what
about those musicians who can’t
afford to give him these things?
Haa! If you can’t afford it, then your
songs won’t be played no matter
how good they are. But why haven’t
you musicians come together and
fight people like him? And also, why
do you keep bribing them? Is it not
the same bribery and corruption you
people are always accusing the
Nigerian police of? Yes father I
totally agree, we are no different
from the police.
But how can we unite and fight this
corruption when Nigerian artists are
lily-livered. They all pay these guys
and go back grumbling in their
bedrooms. And whoever decides to
speak up on their behalf will be
insulted by the same people he’s
fighting for. They will accuse you of
trying to make things difficult for
them. This is really terrible. Yes
father it is really terrible.
Ok what other confessions do you
have for the Lord? But Father, do
you think the Lord can forgive me of
all these sins? Don’t you worry
yourself about that, we will pray to
Saint Anthony of Padua to intercede
for you. Thank you father.
Now let me go on. Most times
when I see that a song of a
particular artist is gaining more
popularity than mine, I call on my
guys at the radio stations to stop
playing it. And do you also pay for
this? Of course they won’t lift a
finger without money changing
hands. But don’t they see that what
you requested of them is
wickedness. No father it is not
wickedness, we actually call it
survival. Ok father, what would you
say if I told you that most of our
awards are lobbied for? And most
of the scandalous news you read on
blogs are leaked by entertainers to
pull down their rivals? I’d say very
interesting.
Now let me ask you a question
father. Do you believe in juju? Boy I
am a man of God and you don’t
expect me to believe in such. So
you mean if I told you that some of
us entertainers use juju to excel,
would you believe me? Well, I have
heard of such allegations,
especially with the fuji musicians
but these things can’t be
substantiated. Why do you think
they can’t be substantiated? What
would you make of a musician
taking a bottle containing local dry
gin, 20 naira notes, cowries, corn
seeds and alligator pepper into the
vocal booth and sipping from it and
chanting inaudible things under his
breath while singing? I don’t have
any answer to that. Just go on with
your confession. There are still
others waiting to confess their sins.
And please can you summarise this
confession?
Tell me, why do you entertainers
indulge in lies and all you have said
here today? We entertainers tell so
much lies and live fake lives
because that’s what Nigerians
want. They love lies and they will
even call you mumu for speaking
the truth. And the journalists are
also guilty. Asides from being too
lazy, I think they are also scared of
some of these entertainers. They
rather not investigate anything at
all. Even when you tell them a
blatant lie, they won’t bother asking
questions.
Now we have an industry that is
built on lies. And from the look of
things, it will stay so for a long
time. That is all I have to confess
father. Your sins have been forgiven
my son. Say the fifteen decades of
the rosary and abstain from telling
lies from now on. Go in peace to
love and serve the Lord. Inomine
patri et fili et spiritus sancti. Amen.
This guy called Etcetera is really
looking for trouble o. lol!