Hello everyone, I have benefitted immensely from the advices of people on this forum and I believe my sharing my concerns will not only help relief my burden but also provide help to others.
Have been married for almost 3years and everything seems working well but I have had challenges with my wife and my in laws. I began a PG study outside Nigeria, leaving my wife and baby at home (she works) but the distance seem not to be in the best interest of the family.Determined to get my wife to join me, I secured visas for my wife and baby for the entire duration of my studies. All my family and friends have appreciated this move but my father in law took it happily to reluctantly told me that he would want my wife to visit and not join me permanently because of her job....(Economic reasons)....My wife too has began to dance to that song.
I also notice that she doesn't relate well enough with my mother. As much as she could, she avoids going to my parents house. Both my mum and her parent reside in the same town. During the last holidays, She stayed in her parents house, visited my mum briefly and travelled out of the town to visit her sibs in another town. To me, this was a strategy to avoid staying with my parent more than a day. This has become obvious not only to my mum but even one of my close friends had to admit seen such behavior when I told him. I have a feeling that my inlaws are reinforcing their opinions on my wife.This was the same woman who pushed me to marrying her faster than I would have. I know how well I could have kept the relationship, and how funny I could have played the cards. Chai...Diaris God oo
As it is, the more these issue drag while we live apart based on the present arrangement, my fear is that we may become too emotionally separated before I finish my programme. Consider that when we would have been 5years in marriage, we would have only lived together fully for only 2 years?? How can I manage the overbearance of my father in law? I love him and his sacrifices for us but our decisions should be left for us to decide.
Is it right to stand my ground when she eventually visit and ask her to stay permanently? Finances? I have figured that out and it wont be our greatest challenge. What about her career? Who says if I get good job here, that I wont stay back? Think about the pressures from single girls around me here too. Pls advice me. THANKS

What will your wife do when she moves over

From your post i think your wife's parents still have much influence in her decisions, i don't think its much of a worry except when she takes their decisions over yours too often.
since you are still a student running a PG course overseas, i see no reason why she should come and stay with you permanently since she also has a job here in Nigeria, she coming over for a visit is splendid just like the dad suggest. I know you are longing to be with her and the kid but more also its best for you now to focus more on your studies while she isn't with you for now. thank God for modern technology, we have skype, yahoo messenger, bbm, whatsapp, viber, and so on, these can help the communication line to wax stronger.

i suggest you allow her come over for a visit and after that she come back to Nigeria and continue with her work, if by God's grace you secure a good job over-there, then you can now plan for her and the child to come permanently.
Regards
#seuncarestonight#

She could enroll for an academic programme.at least to improve her CV. She could take up employment if available too.

Yes,like a poster asked,,what will she be doing,OP?schooling,staying at home?Is she a bread winner of her Family?May be that's the reason why the parents doesn't want her to join you.Have a heart to heart talk with her.

I don't see why you should force your wife on your mother or vice versa, don't force their relationship especially when you are not there. You have not been there long enough to help build their relationship. Not everyone is social, some people need a familiar face around to be able to make connections with others.

Where are you exactly? I don't see why you want to uproot your wife where she is when it seems she has a very good job. You figured out the finances but have you secured a job for her? And what has single girls got to do with this? Wetin concern you and single girls, so because your wife is not around you want to misbehave? I won't mince my words, you are being selfish and I don't see the problem in your wife visiting rather than staying. You have not even secured a job for yourself, if you secure a better job than hers after finishing then that is another story.

There are loads of couples who have to deal with time apart for a while, if you cannot deal with 3 years apart and be faithful to her especially when she can visit you then I don't think you should have gotten married. You should have allowed yourself to mature before entering into such a commitment.


I too want to know, what will your wife be doing because for the dad to say she should stay due to economical reasons means she is doing better than she would moving to wherever you are. And stop that thing you are feeling, the dad may possibly be seeing what you aren't seeing plus he might not be feeding your wife anything. It could be your wife telling him to tell you how she feels believing you will take it better from the dad than from her.

santos247:
She could enroll for an academic programme.at least to improve her CV. She could take up employment if available too.

Why should she leave a good career for uncertainty
Moreover youre a student

I don't get why your father-in-law has that much say in your marriage. And I don't get it why you are forcing your wife on your mother either. Seems you people can't live without involving the parents one way or the other.

1. Your wife did not constitute a stumbling block to you when you were traveling abroad to further your studies and better your career, why do you want to pose a stumbling block to her own career? Who is the selfish one here?

2. Why do you think you should force your wife to stay with your mother while you are absent urself? If you love ur mum so much, shouldnt you leave wherever you are to come stay with her?

3. You are trying to sow unnecessary seeds of trouble in your marriage by making unproven assumptions about your wife and your father in law. Why all the permutation and combination about her movement? Why would you conclude ur father in law is the one influencing your wife? From your post, you are the one being influenced by friends.

4. On the issue of single girls, it will be a shame if that is what is brewing in your mind. Do not destroy with your own hands the beautiful home you have built over the years.

kandiikane:
I don't see why you should force your wife on your mother or vice versa, don't force their relationship especially when you are not there. You have not been there long enough to help build their relationship. Not everyone is social, some people need a familiar face around to be able to make connections with others.

Where are you exactly? I don't see why you want to uproot your wife where she is when it seems she has a very good job. You figured out the finances but have you secured a job for her? And what has single girls got to do with this? Wetin concern you and single girls, so because your wife is not around you want to misbehave? I won't minced my words, you are being selfish and I don't see the problem in your wife visiting rather than staying. You have not even secured a job for yourself, if you secure a better job than hers after finishing then that is another story.

There are loads of couples who have to deal with time apart for a while, if you cannot deal with 3 years apart and be faithful to her especially when she can visit you then I don't think you should have gotten married. You should have allowed yourself to mature before entering into such a commitment.


I too want to know, what will your wife be doing because for the dad to say she should stay due to economical reasons means she is doing better than she would moving to wherever you are. And stop that thing you are feeling, the dad may possibly be seeing what you aren't seeing plus he might not be feeding your wife anything. It could be your wife telling him to tell you how she feels believing you will take it better from the dad than from her.

@OP, I dig this

She visited your mom. It would be a different story if she doesn't visit at all, but she's trying. She went to visit your mom, then went to visit her siblings. I don't see anything wrong with that. You can't expect her to be staying more than a day at your parents' house. She might be uncomfortable with that. Besides, she has a job and a baby to take care of. Cut her some slack. If your parents absolutely love her company, then talk to her and tell her they would love her to be visiting more often and/or staying longer, but if she has other plans and can't, you shouldn't blame her.

Right now, it's not a good idea for her to leave her job in Nigeria and come to wherever you're at, permanently. There's nothing wrong with her doing so, but it requires careful consideration. Let her come for the short visit, first. While she's there, you two can look at her options. Depending on her field and your location, it might be difficult for her to find work without her updating her credentials or going back to School as her degree/s from Nigeria wouldn't be enough (let alone recognized) for her to secure a job there.

I understand it's hard for you to be there w/o your wife, but you cannot stray if you do not choose to. Let her know your concerns and how you're worried about being emotionally distant from each other, then find ways to communicate more. I'm sure she misses her husband too. Nothing good ever comes out of compelling someone to act. Reason with her and come to a compromise together.

Errm Op, you have had great words of advice from previous posters.
Relocating is not that easy,and leaving a job that you have to an unrealistic one is not so cool, I am sure this whole relocating thing was not the initial plan, Allow her visit as often as you both can afford.

Meanwhile, before you complain about her not visiting your mama's often as she visits hers, give it. Time, you are not there and may never knw why, if it bothers you much discuss it with her but nevr force it.

I agree with the poster who said your wife might just be communicating her true feeling through her dad. So relax, allow her visit when she comes over you can convince her further.

sexyseun:
From your post i think your wife's parents still have much influence in her decisions, i don't think its much of a worry except when she takes their decisions over yours too often.
since you are still a student running a PG course overseas, i see no reason why she should come and stay with you permanently since she also has a job here in Nigeria, she coming over for a visit is splendid just like the dad suggest. I know you are longing to be with her and the kid but more also its best for you now to focus more on your studies while she isn't with you for now. thank God for modern technology, we have skype, yahoo messenger, bbm, whatsapp, viber, and so on, these can help the communication line to wax stronger.

i suggest you allow her come over for a visit and after that she come back to Nigeria and continue with her work, if by God's grace you secure a good job over-there, then you can now plan for her and the child to come permanently.
Regards
#seuncarestonight#

I would have said this was a good advise but putting it to weigh I found it wanting.
You failed to address the major issue raised by op which is loneliness, intimacy, bonding with his family.
Do you want him to come home and the child can barely recognise him?
What of the wife? Can she hold her body? We should put this in light with current trends where even Anita wife of Pastor Chris is seeking for divorce because according to what I read he's not emotionally and physically attached to them.

Besides op said finance won't be an issue. Op right?
There's an extent to which all these chats, calls etc can go.If it were for a year. Ok. Now its 2-3 years haba.Tomorrow you same group of women will say men are unfaithful. He's human you know?

Augustbreak:
Yes,like a poster asked,,what will she be doing,OP?schooling,staying at home?Is she a bread winner of her Family?May be that's the reason why the parents doesn't want her to join you.Have a heart to heart talk with her.

Even at that. She's married to her husband not her father.Am not saying they should not support her parents. Op its unfortunate you married a girl not a woman.

kandiikane:


There are loads of couples who have to deal with time apart for a while, if you cannot deal with 3 years apart and be faithful to her especially when she can visit you then I don't think you should have gotten married. You should have allowed yourself to mature before entering into such a commitment.

Did you type this part in your sleep. Did you read this part to yourself before posting or did you post in a hurry?

'Especially when she can visit you....' Like seriously. So visit once or twice a year is enough abi? Besides do you know what is involved in those visits? The cost implications plus securing visa or you don't know she may apply for visa and it gets denied.

You didn't even consider if the girl can be faithful to him. I know what op is afraid of and I think is genuine. He may come back after that 3 years and find out his wife is a stranger to him. No connection again.

I don't know about some of you's but I was told to spend more time with my inlaw's as opposed to siblings and parents.

But what I do is, If I spend 2 weeks with my parents I do same with my inlaw's. My siblings and I all catch up when I'm visiting my parents.


Nothing sucks more than looking at your other half and wondering what a stranger he or she has become.

Her father's reasons for wanting her to stay back is genuine but if money isn't a problem with you two then have a heart to heart with her. look around your base and make sure to find her something that will up her career and not stop it and present your findings to her.

As per not spending time with your parents, talk to her about it. When I travel to the village I spend more time at my husbands village than I do at my parents. She does not need you to assist her in bonding with your parents. She is already a wife and not a gf so you have already paved way for a connection....all she needs do is remember she is married now and has a second family.

All the best

Sit with your wife and talk about it amicably.
Don't understand the "compelling" you are talking about.
Are you saying your wife is not free to make her own decisions? She is a woman, a wife, a matured person who is capable of being reasonable and thus making her own decisions.

I don't care what her father or your mother says. What matters is what agreement have you two reached.
If she doesn't want to go why force her? I understand your fears bro but it has to be mutual.

If all else fails and you so much want her around then as the head of your home, do what you have to do.

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jennykadry:
I don't know about some of you's but I was told to spend more time with my inlaw's as opposed to siblings and parents.

But what I do is, If I spend 2 weeks with my parents I do same with my inlaw's. My siblings and I all catch up when I'm visiting my parents.


Nothing sucks more than looking at your other half and wondering what a stranger he or she has become.

Her father's reasons for wanting her to stay back is genuine but if money isn't a problem with you two then have a heart to heart with her. look around your base and make sure to find her something that will up her career and not stop it and present your findings to her.

As per not spending time with your parents, talk to her about it. When I travel to the village I spend more time at my husbands village than I do at my parents. She does not need you to assist her in bonding with your parents. She is already a wife and not a gf so you have already paved way for a connection....all she needs do is remember she is married now and has a second family.

All the best

Thank you. I am actually trying to strike a balance between been open hearted to her views and been the man in the house. Infact, she complained initially that she was tired of the whole arrangement and would want to come over. I had submitted admission applications for her only for me to communicate our decisions to my father in law and the game began to change.

I do not intend to fall into infidelity but I have had cases of couples who haven lived apart that long gradually became strangers to each other. I do not want mine to drift like that. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety. I think, the opinions here express diverse views from which I should be able to pick my lessons.thanks once again

Try to secure a job there for her first. Her old man must have reasons. Bydeway... who is taking care of all expenses (ur schooling et al) at the moment?

You should have put all these into consideration before deciding to go abroad for studies.Living apart poses challenges but you both should have agreed on making that sacrifice.
The most important question is,if your wife comes abroad,what will she do?
Your are a post-graduiate student,how much finance do you have to support a family?
I think you should let your wife visit and you both try to see how things can work if she stays.Don't let her resign yet
As per your inlaws,people need time to build relationships.Your wife will need to get accustomed to your mum especially if she has not been.Let her visit more often but don't force the relationship.Your FIL can advise and he may be right putting economic and career decisions of his daughter into consideration.He can't enforce it but consider it and you can speak with him and discuss it.
You choose to discipline yourself.Single girls is not your course of study.

santos247:
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Thank you. I am actually trying to strike a balance between been open hearted to her views and been the man in the house. Infact, she complained initially that she was tired of the whole arrangement and would want to come over. I had submitted admission applications for her only for me to communicate our decisions to my father in law and the game began to change.

I do not intend to fall into infidelity but I have had cases of couples who haven lived apart that long gradually became strangers to each other. I do not want mine to drift like that. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety. I think, the opinions here express diverse views from which I should be able to pick my lessons.thanks once again

Finally it came out. In advising people try to wear their shoes. Gone are the days of sentimental advice.
Op it seems you are discussing this on phone with her. Its something you need to discuss physical presence. Look into her eyes and be as honest as you can to her. Tell her sincerely you won't cope with her apart.
Besides is she the only issue in her family? By that I mean bread winner, tell her you will ensue her family is well catered for.

Last Bullet: Op I hope her coming there will not stretch your finances too much o. Very important.

santos247:
[color=#990000][/color]
Thank you. I am actually trying to strike a balance between been open hearted to her views and been the man in the house. Infact, she complained initially that she was tired of the whole arrangement and would want to come over. I had submitted admission applications for her only for me to communicate our decisions to my father in law and the game began to change.

I do not intend to fall into infidelity but I have had cases of couples who haven lived apart that long gradually became strangers to each other. I do not want mine to drift like that. In the multitude of counsel, there is safety. I think, the opinions here express diverse views from which I should be able to pick my lessons.thanks once again

She kickstarted the whole idea of joining you abroad and suddenly wants to back out because of Daddy!


MILs' are the renowned, legendary, meandering, interfering busybodies and it's rare for FILs'...well since he couldn't dignify you with a meeting or courtesy call to explain his arguably "what the elders can see sitting" POV, and he is rather trying to ram it down your throat, you are either dealing with a FIL who is egotistically trying to rub it in that he is better than you financially and in all ramifications hence his dig at your supposedly erroneous decision not to think of his daughter's financial standing...


Or perhaps on a lighter note, you married a spoilt rich daddy's girl who is still attached to her Mum's apron.


Either way, you need to man up and initiate the conversation between the 3 of you, that should have transpired before this ship sailed.

Fxwarrior:


Did you type this part in your sleep. Did you read this part to yourself before posting or did you post in a hurry?

'Especially when she can visit you....' Like seriously. So visit once or twice a year is enough abi? Besides do you know what is involved in those visits? The cost implications plus securing visa or you don't know she may apply for visa and it gets denied.

You didn't even consider if the girl can be faithful to him. I know what op is afraid of and I think is genuine. He may come back after that 3 years and find out his wife is a stranger to him. No connection again.

Abeg na only him ever marry? Do not quote me if you are going to type rubbish. Is he the first to live apart from his wife? Why did he not think of all this before he decided to move to a far away region? How will the wife go there without visa? Is she meant to travel by boat? There are many options, he can go see her. Use your brain! As I have written if the man can easily lose focus he isn't mature enough to be married. If he is suspicious of her cheating or believe there will not be any connection after three years why did he leave, why did he not build his relationship before making a decision for himself? Now that konji dey worry am, he want come make another selfish decision. How is he certain they will give him a working permit after he graduates? He made the arrangements so he should deal with the consequences. Couples live apart and they don't die from it so I don't know what you are crying for.

kandiikane:


Abeg na only him ever marry? Do not quote me if you are going to type rubbish. Is he the first to live apart from his wife? Why did he not think of all this before he decided to move to a far away region? How will the wife go there without visa? Is she meant to travel by boat? There are many options, he can go see her. Use your brain! As I have written if the man can easily lose focus he isn't mature enough to be married. If he is suspicious of her cheating or believe there will not be any connection after three years why did he leave, why did he not build his relationship because making a decision for himself? Now that konji dey worry am, he want come make another selfish decision. How is he certain they will give him a working permit after he graduates? He made the arrangements so he should deal with the consequences. Couples live apart and they don't die from it so I don't know what you are crying for.

I doubt you have crossed beyond your state boundary talkless of country.
So your advice was borne out of ill will, to punish him. Who told you the decision was selfish.If he finishes and secures a higher paying job, who will benefit?

Do yourself a favour and read your posts well and thoroughly before submitting.

kandiikane:


Abeg na only him ever marry? Do not quote me if you are going to type rubbish. Is he the first to live apart from his wife? Why did he not think of all this before he decided to move to a far away region? How will the wife go there without visa? Is she meant to travel by boat? There are many options, he can go see her. Use your brain! As I have written if the man can easily lose focus he isn't mature enough to be married. If he is suspicious of her cheating or believe there will not be any connection after three years why did he leave, why did he not build his relationship because making a decision for himself? Now that konji dey worry am, he want come make another selfish decision. How is he certain they will give him a working permit after he graduates? He made the arrangements so he should deal with the consequences. Couples live apart and they don't die from it so I don't know what you are crying for.

I doubt you have crossed beyond your state boundary talkless of country.
So your advice was borne out of ill will, to punish him. Who told you the decision was selfish.If he finishes and secures a higher paying job, who will benefit? Besides every marriage is unique in itself. Just because others can live apart, doesn't mean every couple must live apart. Op is more mature than you. Don't abuse the priviledge he gave you to air your views.

Do yourself a favour and read your posts well and thoroughly before submitting.

Fxwarrior:


I doubt you have crossed beyond your state boundary talkless of country.
So your advice was borne out of ill will, to punish him. Who told you the decision was selfish.If he finishes and secures a higher paying job, who will benefit?

Do yourself a favour and read your posts well and thoroughly before submitting.

Lol.....infact, I am still in my village.

Let him secure that high paying job first before he starts uprooting his entire family anyhow. You think to get a good job in a foreign country is that easy? I am sure he is in a country in Europe, you must think they just dash working permits or an indefinite leave to remain just like that. If he is studying in countries like Ukraine or Poland then he must be high on acid to be thinking his family's lifestyle will be better than what they have in naija. If it is UK or an Asian country, for sure, I know na Konji mek op nor dey think fine.
Stop quoting me joor! Why the hell did he move if he knew he couldn't live apart. Not everyone should live apart but the op made that decision so what's your bloody problem? You are sounding like a kid right now. What you will have to do right now is stop quoting me and typing rubbish.




Santos247, where exactly are you?

Fxwarrior:


I doubt you have crossed beyond your state boundary talkless of country.
So your advice was borne out of ill will, to punish him. Who told you the decision was selfish.If he finishes and secures a higher paying job, who will benefit? Besides every marriage is unique in itself. Just because others can live apart, doesn't mean every couple must live apart. Op is more mature than you. Don't abuse the priviledge he gave you to air your views.

Do yourself a favour and read your posts well and thoroughly before submitting.

Oga, I have noticed you derive joy in carrying people's matter and thread on your head and shoulders. Hope you are okay?

kandiikane:

Lol.....infact, I am still in my village.
Let him secure that high paying job first before he starts uprooting his entire family anyhow. You think to get a good job in a foreign country is that easy? I am sure he is in a country in Europe, you must think they just dash working permits or an indefinite leave to remain just like that. If he is studying in countries like Ukraine or Poland then he must be high on acid to be thinking his family's lifestyle will be better than what they have in naija. If it is UK or an Asian country, for sure, I know na Konji mek op nor dey think fine.
Stop quoting me joor! Why the hell did he move if he knew he couldn't live apart. Not everyone should live apart but the op made that decision so what's your bloody problem? You are sounding like a kid right now. What you will have to do right now is stop quoting me and typing rubbish.
Santos247, where exactly are you?

Guy, you funny no be small. Anyway, i am on the southern hemisphere within this continent. Financing their living with me isnt a problem and i already got them 3 years visa. Well, it may sound stupid that i didnt figure it out. one may not have all things figured out in many stages of life. but with guidance, progress can still be made.

santos247:


Guy, you funny no be small. Anyway, i am on the southern hemisphere within this continent. Financing their living with me isnt a problem and i already got them 3 years visa. Well, it may sound stupid that i didnt figure it out. one may not have all things figured out in many stages of life. but with guidance, progress can still be made.

I understand but it's not just something you can do just like that. So you are basically still in Africa. It will be easy for them to be visiting then. Something this big has to be well thought out.

jennykadry:
I don't know about some of you's but I was told to spend more time with my inlaw's as opposed to siblings and parents.

But what I do is, If I spend 2 weeks with my parents I do same with my inlaw's. My siblings and I all catch up when I'm visiting my parents.


Nothing sucks more than looking at your other half and wondering what a stranger he or she has become.

Her father's reasons for wanting her to stay back is genuine but if money isn't a problem with you two then have a heart to heart with her. look around your base and make sure to find her something that will up her career and not stop it and present your findings to her.

As per not spending time with your parents, talk to her about it. When I travel to the village I spend more time at my husbands village than I do at my parents. She does not need you to assist her in bonding with your parents. She is already a wife and not a gf so you have already paved way for a connection....all she needs do is remember she is married now and has a second family.

All the best

Because you spend more time with your inlaws, you want the op's wife to automatically do the same. Okay

ireneidiva:

Because you spend more time with your inlaws, you want the op's wife to automatically do the same. Okay

Okay

veave:



Oga, I have noticed you derive joy in carrying people's matter and thread on your head and shoulders. Hope you are okay?