Pls advice my friend, he need your advice to save his marriage!
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Couples in the house pls I need your help!

Few months to my marriage, my wife confessed to infidelity. My instinct keeps telling me my wife 'to be' is cheating on me. I confronted her and she later confessed (although with much pressure) she has been cheating with her ex. Ever since my life has never remain the same, I was devastated, frustrated and I feel betrayed by someone I trusted so much. She begged and promised never to cheat on me ever again. Since I love her so much I forgave her and we moved on.

December 2012 we got married and God blessed us with a wonderful cute baby boy. After the wedding, things went sore as I no longer trust my wife, I always doubted her even when she's saying the truth, whenever she went to the market or visit a friend I monitored her, check her call log, it got to a stage that I installed 'spy calls' on her phone. But I found nothing suspicious.

Up to this day I still doubt whatever she tells me. She too is feeling the heat, she knew the trust is no longer there, although I never caught her cheating but the past keeps hurting me, her confession to infidelity that faithful day always replay in my heart.

Few months ago, I decided to seek for divorce since the pillar of marriage (which is trust) has collapsed in our marriage but I couldn't. whenever I thought of buying good stuff for my wife or surprise her and I remember that incident my heart will be bitter (though I still buy her gift sometimes)...I don't know why I can't forget completely. The issue of TRUST is causing big issue in my marriage.

Pls I need your help as i still love my wife.

It is so friggin difficult I know but pray to God to put forgiveness in ur heart toward ur wife,try to subdue d thought no matter how hard. Willfully forgive & forget.
No one is witout sin

@betterbest,

It can't be easy and I wouldn't wish your predicament on anyone.

Forgiving infidelity, while in itself is highly commendable, it does not of itself restore trust. The truth is, you should have put a stop to progressing the relationship – not necessarily ended the relationship - at that point and not resumed progress until you were satisfied that your WTB fully appreciated the error of her ways, was totally repentant and trust had been restored.

Glossing over the issue and “progressing” only left it to fester. You continued on to marriage without true pause for thought, reflection and healing. I can only advise you to re-trace your steps to the point of infidelity and work to rebuild the trust. You cannot rightfully divorce her – you married her with full knowledge.

As a man, you need to fully get to grips with what happened and be sure within yourself that it was indeed an error – never to be repeated. Your wife’ role will be perhaps more important here.

If you don’t, you’ll never fully appreciate your wife or enjoy your union. You have no reason to doubt her faithfulness since you married, so please focus your efforts on restoration, rather than reflecting on the past.

Why needlessly suffer and blight your present and future – and remember your child - for something that can be consigned to the past – where it belongs?

This thread may help. https://www.nairaland.com/1284024/broken-dejected-found-out-wife#15631088
And I expantiated here; https://www.nairaland.com/1284024/broken-dejected-found-out-wife/2#15635959


All the best


TV

^{I hope other men can learn, that “love”, while important, does not sustain marriage in or of itself. OP has rightly stated that trust is the pillar. I hasten add to that other things, such as, shared aspirations, commitment and honest communication and rightly calibrated expectations.}

Go and cheat your own and then confess too. You can't forgive her because you are feeling cheated and betrayed and ''clean''. once you cheat, you'll feel better, then you can both start on a ''clean'' slate.

My opinion sha oH!!

bestestgirl:
Go and cheat your own and then confess too. You can't forgive her because you are feeling cheated and betrayed and ''clean''. once you cheat, you'll feel better, then you can both start on a ''clean'' slate.

My opinion sha oH!!

Two wrongs don't make a right. #Peace

You may not forget it forever but you can decide not to allow it matter.
Decide not to let it matter bro.
Pray also that God should give you strength to bear it and forgive her.

Guy, you are married to her. You need to ask yourself if what happened is worth sacrificing the happiness in your marriage for, because that seems to be what you are doing.
She has even moved on sef, but you refuse to. It's not as if you are perfect either (nobody is).
So bro, prayerfully let go of her wrongdoings. You forgive others, not for them, but for your own peace of mind and growth, especially since she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her since then.
Focus on her strengths. Try your best to ensure that love and happiness returns to your home.
God help you.

I feel for you. Love can turn into hatred, this is what most people don't know. That cheating part can be very hurtful especially when you can't do the same to that person. You would've ended the relationship before the marriage but since you didn't, you need to gather yourself and relax your mind. She still has the tendency to cheat on you with that her ex but since she hasn't done anything and there's nothing suspicious about her moves, try as much as possible to forget. She may be truly remorseful. Just love her and do whatever you can to please her and keep your marriage alive. Lamenting over the issue can even destroy your marriage and make it possible for her to cheat again. Give her your time, show her that you're always there. Make her know how much you love her and how heartbreaking it is for her to cheat on you.
If she cheats on you again after all these, then you've no reason than to do what's on your mind. For now, give her a chance, people do change. God bless you and I pray that things get better for you.

I will give you the advice I have been giving my own husband. Am just in a Very similar case. while dating my husband,he accused me of a crime which I am very innocent of,I have explain everything to clear his notion but he refused to accept that am telling the truth. secondly,while dating,he was never serious with me,so I double dated and didn't hide it from him,I told him I was doing it because he had no plan of marrying me,and he didn't deny that.I loved him that's why I was still with him. In the end,we found ourselves on the alter saying I do. Well the problem is he always uses the past to judge me even tho he wasn't and isn't clean yet he has chosen to make life very miserable for me. we are just 3months old in marriage and am even pregnant but I have been begging him for divorce since I have no peace. He went to the extent of telling his family about our past just to convince them that I cannot be trusted,his family now treats me somehow. I cant narrate all am going through just because of a crime i didnt comit and my husband's refusal to let go. So my dear,if you have not caught your wife in the act since after marriage and yet you strongly feel you can't forgive her,divorce her or cheat your own if it will give you peace but don't push her to commit suicide like my husband is doing to me. Some so-called marriages aren't just worth the stress!

You went ahead to marry someone you hadn't really forgiven.
Now you want a divorce for an offense you were aware of before going into the marriage.
What would be your given reason For filing divorce?

cococandy:
You went ahead to marry someone you hadn't really forgiven.
Now you want a divorce for an offense you were aware of before going into the marriage.
What would be your given reason For filing divorce?

Nice speech the guy need cane!

Op,you are the cause,why go ahead,when you didn't trust her?

You are a prisoner of your thought,and imagination.though hard to let go,but whenever the thought comes,think of the best time you have had with her..

Trust is important in marriage,don't negotiate it.

My challenge isn't that you are not letting go because I understand the pains of betrayal however, your ground for divorce is highly unfair to your wife. She cheated before marriage thus, saying the pillar of trust as yiu used it is only a way of making her sound bad to those who listen to you.

bestestgirl:
Go and cheat your own and then confess too. You can't forgive her because you are feeling cheated and betrayed and ''clean''. once you cheat, you'll feel better, then you can both start on a ''clean'' slate.

My opinion sha oH!!

You are kidding right?

@OP. Even thou your wife cheated on you, I'm still gonna blame you for your problems.

When you focus on something for a long time, it will begin to manifest.

All you think about is how she cheated and that's why you find difficult to forget.

Yo created your problems for yourself.

This is what you should do..

Rebuild the trust............

You spied on her and found nothing, that's a good thing to start with.

Focus on the positive side of her to see all the efforts she's been putting to make you trust her again. They have been there but you couldn't notice them because your mind was something else.

Communicate your feeling in an honest way. Stop spying/monitoring her.

Spend quality time together, don't think about her past, focus on her present.

If there is something you don't understand then confront her immediately. Don't guess, assume or suspect. Ask her and believe whatever thing she tells you unless you have a reason not to.

It shall get better

Much as I feel your pain, it will be very unfair of you to divorce your wife over an issue that you were fully aware of before you said "I Do"
You shouldnt have married her, certainly as you were still hurting so much and the wounds were still very fresh.

You are only hurting yourself more with all these spying and checking.

Please take your wife and go for counselling. You somehow have to be able to put this behind you and look forward towards the future especially as she has shown remorse and hasnt given you any reason to doubt her faithfulness after the event. I am assuming that she is a reletively good wife to you or you would have mentioned that too. Try and find a way to look at her good sides too. I know its very hard, but its acheivable.

When I hear some women say that they will cheat in revenge when their men cheat, i just laugh, becasue its as clear as day that a man processes cheating a lot different that the way a woman processes cheating.

N'do... Time will heal this wound. Some things are difficult to forgive sha... Try!

op is very funny. What about men who marry ex hoes? There are many ex hoes out there. More than 80% of our ladies.

betterbest:
Pls advice my friend, he need your advice to save his marriage!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Couples in the house pls I need your help!

Few months to my marriage, my wife confessed to infidelity. My instinct keeps telling me my wife 'to be' is cheating on me. I confronted her and she later confessed (although with much pressure) she has been cheating with her ex. Ever since my life has never remain the same, I was devastated, frustrated and I feel betrayed by someone I trusted so much. She begged and promised never to cheat on me ever again. Since I love her so much I forgave her and we moved on.

December 2012 we got married and God blessed us with a wonderful cute baby boy. After the wedding, things went sore as I no longer trust my wife, I always doubted her even when she's saying the truth, whenever she went to the market or visit a friend I monitored her, check her call log, it got to a stage that I installed 'spy calls' on her phone. But I found nothing suspicious.

Up to this day I still doubt whatever she tells me. She too is feeling the heat, she knew the trust is no longer there, although I never caught her cheating but the past keeps hurting me, her confession to infidelity that faithful day always replay in my heart.

Few months ago, I decided to seek for divorce since the pillar of marriage (which is trust) has collapsed in our marriage but I couldn't. whenever I thought of buying good stuff for my wife or surprise her and I remember that incident my heart will be bitter (though I still buy her gift sometimes)...I don't know why I can't forget completely. The issue of TRUST is causing big issue in my marriage.

Pls I need your help as i still love my wife.

i have no iota of pity for you.....
you have made your bed, kindly lie in it. you knew fully well who you were marrying so why complain now?

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and encouragements. May God Almighty bless you all.

I'd tried to let go of the past, but the event is constantly rewinding and playing back in my head, I must confess it's been hell, the thought of her infidelity is really affecting our marriage, I thought she would do it again and again. I get mad easily, I constantly looking for fault, ascribing blames. From day one of the marriage it's been torture, bitterness, sorrowful, I snap at every little mistake she made, I don't wanna hurt her but I can't just control myself its just so difficult to forget her past mistake. As most of you had suggested, we'll go for counseling and I will focus more on the marriage than her mistake. If you ask me, I still love my wife dearly, she is still the mother of my son.

Thank you all once again for your time.

betterbest:
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and encouragements. May God Almighty bless you all.

I'd tried to let go of the past, but the event is constantly rewinding and playing back in my head, I must confess it's been hell, the thought of her infidelity is really affecting our marriage, I thought she would do it again and again. I get mad easily, I constantly looking for fault, ascribing blames. From day one of the marriage it's been torture, bitterness, sorrowful, I snap at every little mistake she made, I don't wanna hurt her but I can't just control myself its just so difficult to forget her past mistake. As most of you had suggested, we'll go for counseling and I will focus more on the marriage than her mistake. If you ask me, I still love my wife dearly, she is still the mother of my son.

Thank you all once again for your time.

You are not serious at all
Did you eventually marry her after her confession just to torment he for the rest of her life or what
I can imagine what she is going through as well. Do you think you are the only one suffering in that marriage. She must be going through hell i guess. I am sure she is regretting going ahead with the marriage.
Like Coogar said you laid your bed so lie on it.
Just that i feel for that woman

skentelelady:


You are not serious at all
Did you eventually marry her after her confession just to torment he for the rest of her life or what
I can imagine what she is going through as well. Do you think you are the only one suffering in that marriage. She must be going through hell i guess. I am sure she is regretting going ahead with the marriage.
Like Coogar said you laid your bed so lie on it.
Just that i feel for that woman

I didnt marry her to torment her. After the confession, i forgve her and we moved on but i never knw the thought will come back. Pls contribute constructively, I hope to find help here. The main issue here is that its just too difficult to forget the past.

betterbest:
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and encouragements. May God Almighty bless you all.

I'd tried to let go of the past, but the event is constantly rewinding and playing back in my head, I must confess it's been hell, the thought of her infidelity is really affecting our marriage, I thought she would do it again and again. I get mad easily, I constantly looking for fault, ascribing blames. From day one of the marriage it's been torture, bitterness, sorrowful, I snap at every little mistake she made, I don't wanna hurt her but I can't just control myself its just so difficult to forget her past mistake. As most of you had suggested, we'll go for counseling and I will focus more on the marriage than her mistake. If you ask me, I still love my wife dearly, she is still the mother of my son.

Thank you all once again for your time.

please divorce her so she can meet a better person abeg. You actually didn't want to marry her in the first place. Maybe the girl you were running after jilted you den u decided to use her as rebound. Please divorce the poor girl before you drive a knife thru her heart one day while she's asleep.
Thanks

betterbest:


I didnt marry her to torment her. After the confession, i forgve her and we moved on but i never knw the thought will come back. Pls contribute constructively, I hope to find help here. The main issue here is that its just too difficult to forget the past.

and that is the reason you shouldn't have married her in the first place. you cannot complain - it's like you knowingly married a blind woman only for you to start complaining 2 years later that she cannot read. who does that?

you will have to build that trust in her. you chose to be with this woman. you made vows at the altar to be with her till death.... show some balls, be a man of your words.

coogar:


and that is the reason you shouldn't have married her in the first place. you cannot complain - it's like you knowingly married a blind woman only for you to start complaining 2 years later that she cannot read. who does that?

you will have to build that trust in her. you chose to be with this woman. you made vows at the altar to be with her till death.... show some balls, be a man of your words.

Thank u so much. God help me

veave:



please divorce her so she can meet a better person abeg. You actually didn't want to marry her in the first place. Maybe the girl you were running after jilted you den u decided to use her as rebound. Please divorce the poor girl before you drive a knife thru her heart one day while she's asleep.
Thanks

Too harsh... i never raised a finger at her. na the past jst dey hunt me.

betterbest:


I didnt marry her to torment her. After the confession, i forgve her and we moved on but i never knw the thought will come back. Pls contribute constructively, I hope to find help here. The main issue here is that its just too difficult to forget the past.

from your explanations, she ddnt even cheat. You initially told her you wouldn't marry her, so she did what every reasonable person will do. (Kept her door open for other options). Sorry bros, but you are just not a nice person.
Did you expect her to date only you? Then you'll get married and dump her to start from scratch when it would have been too late?
Why ddnt you just let her be? Now you stopped someone else from marrying her and you are still tormenting her. Abeg divorce her. Me I no dey like hear this kind jist

veave:


from your explanations, she ddnt even cheat. You initially told her you wouldn't marry her, so she did what every reasonable person will do. (Kept her door open for other options). Sorry bros, but you are just not a nice person.
Did you expect her to date only you? Then you'll get married and dump her to start from scratch when it would have been too late?
Why ddnt you just let her be? Now you stopped someone else from marrying her and you are still tormenting her. Abeg divorce her. Me I no dey like hear this kind jist

Pls read my post again. She cheated few months to our wedding. Thanks for your contribution anyway.

Okay, sorry, I ddnt see that part well. Ngwanu what do you want to do about it now.

if it were the other way round, would you sincerely like it if she gave you the same treatment you are giving her? You said you love her right, but that's not the way to treat someone you truly love. Please try and change so she doesn't grow a thick skin,. Not when you have truly forgiven her, it wunt make a difference anymore cus she would have forgotten what love feels like. Ok?

veave:
Okay, sorry, I ddnt see that part well. Ngwanu what do you want to do about it now.

Thank you

There is practically no reason for you to spy on her because she never gave you a reason to do so in marriage. I will not sympathize with you cos you have to take the truth the way it is. To err is what makes us human. She confessed before you married her therefore therefore she deserves her peace. Lack of trust is your emotional problem, the earlier you deal with it, the better. Some married men have seen worse and are happy in marriage. Love and forgiveness are intertwined. I am sure, she is making every effort to make up for that past mistake she is presently being punished for but your selfish self will never notice them. Please, don't be fooled by people's sympathetic advice. FORGIVE HER because you have never done so and ask for her forgiveness for all the sorrows you have put her through because she must have taken note of all your spy activities and probably grieved in silence.

@ Poster

You are lucky I am married. I would have asked you to divorce her for me to marry, so that you can come here and whine again how you can get her back after being so unfair to her. That you should have trusted her but now you miss her so much. Please my dear, cherish what you have because you will regret it if you lose her cos I observed from your post that you never said anything wrong about her, it shows she must be a wonderful woman.