The Association of
Bleaching Celebrities of
Nigeria wishes to use
this medium to inform
the public that the
inexcusable attitude of
some of its members to
their fans has been
brought to its attention.
It has also been said that
some members of this
esteemed organisation
have embarrassingly
refused to shake hands
with their fans and in
some of these cases, the
aggrieved fans are said to
have been little kids. On
behalf of all celebrity
bleachers, we the ABNC
kindly ask for your
forgiveness. You loved us
when we were black and
we sincerely ask you not
to love us any less even
now that we are light
skinned. We also want
you guys to understand
that we celebrities bleach
our skin so that we can
lighten up your screens
so you will never have to
increase the brightness
and contrast of your TV
anymore. You can ask
our Nigerian movie
producers why they
prefer us light skinned
actors.
That being said, we also
want to sound a note of
warning to all celebrity
bleachers. According to
section 19 of our
annually reviewed
constitution, no bleacher
operating within our
ranks has any right
whatsoever to disrespect
his or her fans. Such
unruly attitude should
stop henceforth.
Anyone culpable of this
dastardly act will be
severely dealt with
according to what is
stated in our
constitution. We want to
also use this medium to
pass this vital
information to the rest of
the public and it will be
in the interest of
everyone to read the
following very carefully.
The ABNC is the umbrella
body of all celebrity
bleachers and we are
responsible for every
bleaching celebrity you
see on TV and on the
streets. We will also like
you to understand that
no celebrity bleacher will
intentionally snub or
refuse to shake hands
with his or her fans. A
lot of these incidents
have occurred as a result
of stigmatisation of
bleachers by the public.
Nigerian celebrity
bleachers especially have
been unfairly criticised
by the public for having
black knuckles, white
body and black yansh.
Therefore, the
unwillingness of celebrity
bleachers to shake hands
in public should be
regarded as a silent
protest over the bizarre
treatment accorded
bleachers in this country.
They are humans and
they deserve the rights to
decide their skin or vein
colours.
Be it black, blue, red or
rainbow, it is their choice
and the public must
accept and respect it.
After all, if you are a very
observant fan, you would
have noticed that all
light-skinned male
celebrities always wear
suits or long sleeve shirts
and walk with their
hands in their pockets.
Walking with your hands
in your pockets is
prescribed by this
distinguished
organisation to all
bleachers.
In cases of bleaching
gone wry, please note
that celebrity bleachers
don’t do all these because
they want to be seen as
fashionably sensitive or
too cool to care. They do
it to avoid that
embarrassing moment
when you discover that
your pretty face celebrity
has the hands of a local
tye and dye merchant.We
hope that henceforth,
whenever you see a light
skinned celebrity with
pocketed hands, you will
save yourself the
embarrassment and
kindly let him be.
A celebrity bleacher with
bad bleaching experience
is like a dog with rabies
and no sane person
messes with a rabies-
infected dog. We implore
you non-bleachers to be
more sensitive to the
plights of bleachers. To
you male fans who love
greeting women with a
kiss on their cheeks,
please be advised to keep
your damn kisses to
yourself whenever you
see those light-skinned
celebs who love tying
scarves around their
necks. It is not fair to
expose someone’s multi-
coloured neckline to the
whole world because you
want to prove that you
can greet like an arab.
And if you are a church
usher who is fond of
telling people to raise
their hands up during
worship, better stay the
hell away from any light-
skinned celebrity you see
in church. Allow them to
worship with their hands
glued to their sides.
We swear, you don’t want
to see that armpit. Our
sincere appreciation also
goes to all men out there
dating a celebrity
bleacher, we commend
your patience. You have
stood by them knowing
you can’t take them to
the pool because of their
black yansh. And when
they forced you to take
them against your will to
the pool, you still had to
endure the fact that they
got into the swimming
pool fully dressed in their
leggings, T-shirts and
stockings. May you be
rewarded handsomely for
your stoicism and
perseverance. One quick
advice though, inasmuch
as you may love your
bleached spouse and
want to treat her to
different types of
adventure, it is
paramount that you
resist every pressure to
take her to the
beach.Please listen to us
very carefully; you have
to protect her from
bleachers allergies.
They react to sea water
like an ogbanje reacts to
deliverance. And if you
don’t want to be staring
at your bleached spouse
rolling and crying in
agony on the beach sand,
don’t let the sea water
come in contact with her
skin.Nigerians, please
stop judging us by the
colour of our skin. We
will never be ashamed to
admit to the public that
all light-skinned
celebrities are bleachers
because this same
bleaching has made us
the most preferred in
Nollywood today. It has
made our ladies more
desirable and more
noticeable by Nigerian
men. It has also helped
some of our colleagues
who were straight up
ugly become attractive.
That is why our motto is,
Show me a light-skinned
celebrity who doesn’t
bleach and I will show
you a local dog that
doesn’t eat shit.
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