I was laughing when i read dis article on Punch Newspaper. It was written by Nigeria's former musician turned writer Etcetera. It's an exposee into the happenings of the Nigerian Music Industry!! Tiwa Savage and Seyi Shay are in trouble oo lol. Interesting read....

Bless me father for I have sinned. My last
confession was two days ago. Father, I am an
entertainer and I have been lying to my fans for
many years. Really? Tell me about these lies my
son. Father, where do I start from? The lies are
so many that I don’t know where to start. Go
ahead son, you start from anywhere, the Lord is
listening.
Father, I lied that I was signed by a foreign
record label. I also lied that I am a brand
ambassador of one of the telecommunication
firms. Whereas I was only paid to make the
jingle and later feature on the TV commercial. I
also lied to the public that my album sold six
million copies. My son, why all these lies?
Father, I am not the only liar in the industry. We
are all liars. Lying is part of the job’s
description. Are you serious? Yes father, I am
being very frank with you. My lies are even mild
compared to some of my colleagues. Imagine
one female artist lying that she was a backup
singer for Mary J Blige. How can she be a
backup singer for such an international star and
nobody saw any pictures or videos. Normally as
an entertainer such materials could have been
used to promote her brand. She also lied that
she wrote a song for Fantasia that won a
grammy. As I am confessing to you, nobody
knows the title of the song. There’s no credit to
her on Fantasia’s catalog. A Nigerian singer said
all these? Yes father.
Her own lies are even small sef . Another female
singer lied that Beyonce’s father was her
manager while she was in the US. No you must
be joking! Haba Father, can I be lying to you
during confession? My son, as a reverend father
in this parish, I have seen so many strange
things. When a man is possessed by the devil
there’s nothing beyond him. And from what you
have been saying, there is absolutely nothing
beyond you entertainers. But go on, tell God
more of these lies of yours.
I have lied about buying houses in Lekki and
other parts of Lagos. But I thank God that till
today no one has thought of looking up these
properties at the ministry of lands otherwise I
would have been caught pants down. Are you
listening father? Yes go on son, the Lord is also
listening. Ok, I have been bribing radio
presenters for a long time to play my songs.
There is this veteran presenter on the island that
collects a million naira and two bottles of Jack
Daniels and Black label and one box of cuban
cigar from me. He also collects hampers and
makes you promise to buy him a cake on his
birthday. You mean he collects all these just to
play a song? Yes father that’s what he charges.
Jesus Christ of Nazareth, what about those
musicians who can’t afford to give him these
things? Haa! If you can’t afford it, then your
songs won’t be played no matter how good they
are. But why haven’t you musicians come
together and fight people like him? And also,
why do you keep bribing them? Is it not the
same bribery and corruption you people are
always accusing the Nigerian police of? Yes
father I totally agree, we are no different from the
police.
But how can we unite and fight this corruption
when Nigerian artists are lily-livered. They all
pay these guys and go back grumbling in their
bedrooms. And whoever decides to speak up on
their behalf will be insulted by the same people
he’s fighting for. They will accuse you of trying
to make things difficult for them. This is really
terrible. Yes father it is really terrible.
Ok what other confessions do you have for the
Lord? But Father, do you think the Lord can
forgive me of all these sins? Don’t you worry
yourself about that, we will pray to Saint
Anthony of Padua to intercede for you. Thank
you father.
Now let me go on. Most times when I see that a
song of a particular artist is gaining more
popularity than mine, I call on my guys at the
radio stations to stop playing it. And do you also
pay for this? Of course they won’t lift a finger
without money changing hands. But don’t they
see that what you requested of them is
wickedness. No father it is not wickedness, we
actually call it survival. Ok father, what would
you say if I told you that most of our awards are
lobbied for? And most of the scandalous news
you read on blogs are leaked by entertainers to
pull down their rivals? I’d say very interesting.
Now let me ask you a question father. Do you
believe in juju? Boy I am a man of God and you
don’t expect me to believe in such. So you mean
if I told you that some of us entertainers use juju
to excel, would you believe me? Well, I have
heard of such allegations, especially with the fuji
musicians but these things can’t be
substantiated. Why do you think they can’t be
substantiated? What would you make of a
musician taking a bottle containing local dry gin,
20 naira notes, cowries, corn seeds and alligator
pepper into the vocal booth and sipping from it
and chanting inaudible things under his breath
while singing? I don’t have any answer to that.
Just go on with your confession. There are still
others waiting to confess their sins. And please
can you summarise this confession?
Tell me, why do you entertainers indulge in lies
and all you have said here today? We
entertainers tell so much lies and live fake lives
because that’s what Nigerians want. They love
lies and they will even call you mumu for
speaking the truth. And the journalists are also
guilty. Asides from being too lazy, I think they
are also scared of some of these entertainers.
They rather not investigate anything at all. Even
when you tell them a blatant lie, they won’t
bother asking questions. Now we have an
industry that is built on lies. And from the look
of things, it will stay so for a long time. That is
all I have to confess father. Your sins have been
forgiven my son. Say the fifteen decades of the
rosary and abstain from telling lies from now on.
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Inomine
patri et fili et spiritus sancti. Amen.

PUNCH.

Must read!!!

Etcetera is mad lol.