"
(1)
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is
pretty badly burned. The morgue sends
for his two best friends, Daryl and
Gomer, to identify the body. Daryl
arrives first, and when the mortician
pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his
face is burnt up pretty bad. You better
roll him over." The mortician rolls him
over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't
Bubba." The mortician thinks this is
strange. Then he brings Gomer in to
identify the body. Gomer takes a look at
the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well
burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician
rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it
ain't Bubba." The mortician asks, "How
can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba
had two a**holes." "What? He had two
assholes?!" exclaims the mortician. "Yup,
every time we went to town, folks would
say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two
assholes.'"
(2)
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park
bench feeding pigeons and talking about
baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do
you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and
replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal --
if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if
there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die
first, you do the same." They shake on it
and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe
passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the
park feeding the pigeons by himself and
hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol
responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is,
Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still
amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in
Heaven?" "Well," says Abe, "I've got good
news and bad news." "Gimme the good
news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well,
there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says,
"That's great! What news could be bad
enough to ruin that?" Abe sighs and
whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
(3)
While examining the the body of Mr.
Schwartz, a mortician notices that
Schwartz has the largest penis he has
ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz,"
says the mortician, "But I can't send you
to be cremated with a tremendously
huge penis like this. It has to be saved
for posterity." The mortician removes
the penis, places it in a jar and puts the
jar in his briefcase. When he gets home,
he decides to show it to his wife. "I have
something to show you that you won't
believe," he says, removing the jar from
his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she
screams, "Schwartz is dead!"
"
(4)
Two hunters are out in the woods when
one of them collapses. He doesn't seem
to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and
calls the emergency services. He gasps,
"My friend is dead! What can I do?" The
operator says "Calm down. I can help.
First, let's make sure he's dead." There is
a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back
on the phone, the guy says "OK, now
what?"
(5)
A ship goes out to sea and crashes. 6
people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and
use a safety raft to float to this deserted
island. Well, after spending several
weeks on the island, they all begin to get
really lonely and sexually deprived. So
they come to this agreement. All of the
men will marry the one woman for a
week. So the first man has her for one
week, the second man has her for the
second week, and so on. Everyone will
now be getting sex and they all agree to
it. This goes on for five years and
everyone is happy. Each man gets sex
every fifth week and the woman gets to
have sex whenever she wants with a
different man every week. Well, a few
weeks into the fifth year, the woman
dies. The first week is pretty bad, the
second week is still pretty bad, the third
week is getting worse, the fourth week
things are just bad, real bad, and the
fifth week is just awful. It’s getting so
very bad that on the sixth week they
buried her.