maclatunji:

When Money Walks Out of the Door, Love Flies Out of the Window

Like a never-ending circle, tenants moved in and moved out, and others quickly moved in, and the circle continued as no room was ever vacant for too long. One day, this young couple moved in, and trust face-me-i-face-you people, they quickly became the subject for petty talks and gossip because this couple came with a different lifestyle that didn’t fit in or gel with the life style of the face-me-i-face-you people.

This couple simply kept to themselves. They left together for work, returned almost at the same time. No one saw them use the convenience or cook their meals. They built a wall round themselves and made sure they lived within their wall. Everyone, particularly the women of the yard deviced all manner of strategy to know who this couple are. But the more they tried to break into their world, the harder it became.

When the fellow face-me-I-face-you folks couldn’t break into this couple’s wall, stories and gossips started making the rounds. You’ll hear such things as: “this kind husband and wife sef, na wa o. Who dem be sef, dem no de talk to anybody, na only dem dem.

One weekend during the monthly cleanup exercise, as if this was an opportunity long awaited, one of the elderly women in the yard got seized with courage and confronted Mr and Mrs anonymous. “Wetin de do una sef?” Common to greet person, na lie. Na so una go hold una self de waka kurukere. Na wetin sef? Another woman interjected, I no know for dem o.

And on and on the tongues wagged. Tony, yes that was the young husband’s name just laughed as he responded to the barrage of queries. “No be so o, na work o. Person go commot for morning, come back for night, which time person get to interact? Make una no vex.

Finally, the wall came tumbling down like the wall of Jericho, and that was the beginning of life in the world of face-me.i.-face-you for Tony and his wife who wanted to just live their lives in quietude minding their own business.

Nothing to worry as they just played along. But not long after, people started seeing Tony more frequently than ever before. He eventually became part of the yard’s small talks, gossips and petty quarrels and all those things you find in a face-me-i-face-you setting.

Tony had lost his job. When the yard gossip began making its rounds, Tony told them he was on leave, but before long, everyone got to know because it seemed like eternity since he last left his one room apartment to anywhere. He was always around. In fact, he became the compound nanny and custodian of keys and washed clothes. Often, you’ll see mama Nneka dropping off her key with Tony. Another time, you’ll hear mama Nike tell Tony, “a beg help me pack my clothes if rain begin fall.”

That was not the beginning of Tony’s travail. His descent into shame was when he began to have issues with his wife resulting in constant midnight quarrels and fighting. Trust face-me-I-face-you people. Tongues began to wag, conjectures and guesswork from the yard people flew in different directions. Tony became a shadow of his old boisterous self and began to withdraw from the yard people.

But what was the problem? As more and more of his yard comrade tried to ascertain what the issues were, the more Tony withdrew from them. One night, the bubble burst. It was a big blast.

The yard people at the dead of night heard Tony’s wife screaming, “useless man. Common chop money you no fit provide. Rent you no fit pay talk less of NEPA bill. Shamèeeeeee. No be me de feed you? Upon all, every night, you no go let me rest. Stupid useless man. Your mate they work and do things, you, nothing, only to loaf around with small small girls for yard. Foolish man.

That was all the evidence the yard people needed to brand Tony a good for nothing man who can’t provide for his wife. Before long, he became the butt of painful jokes and taunts. Some of the older men in the yard recalled how much Tony loved his wife, did her laundry and sometimes dishes, but see what his ungrateful wife had turned him into?

maclatunji:

Others labelled the woman useless, after all when Tony had money she was changing wrapper and calling him darling, now it is Tony here, Tony there. For the women in the yard, it is Tony’s fault. Why fine man like Tony no go fine work? Na him cause him own problem” they rubbed it in for good measure.

The oldest of the men concluded it all. Here him, “make una no blame Tony, Nigeria is hard. Tony wife suppose understand, but man must carry him cross because when money walk out if the door, love go fly commot from window. That’s Tony’s problem. God go help am, him go stand again.

One day Tony moved out, leaving his wife. No one had seen him ever since, but trust face-me-i-face-you people, once in a while, some announce they saw Tony at so so and so place, and as for Tony’s wife, another man simply moved in, and life continued as if nothing happened.

I’ll like to end with an SMS message a friend’s wife send to him amid quarrels over money and chop money:

“You are the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Since I got married to you, you have never paid your bills, even when you were working. I have singlehandedly paid your bills to the last without flaunting it. I cannot imagine that the man I do all these for would have the guts to call me stupid in front of my children.”

Source: http://storried.com/when-money-walks-out-of-the-door-love-flies-out-of-the-window/

maclatunji:
As a man how would you seek to manage a situation where your wife earns more than you do? If you currently experience this and you don't mind, kindly give us insights into how your relationship in terms of finance works.

LewsTherin:
It is a difficult situation no doubt. I had a very bad couple of jobs after I got married but thank God I had a good wife. At a point, a good friend told me that if I had not married a good woman, I would be dead by then!
It's probably a bad expression of frustration that makes some women (some!) lash out at their husbands when things are bad for the men. There are cases where the business the woman does to bring in the only income they enjoy was started by the husband when things were good and then the woman still speaks unprintable things to the husband. It is sad. It is the sinful state of man.

What I will say is for men who create businesses for their wives, do not leave it to them in totality. Play a quiet but active part in the business. Maybe once a week go through the books. Remain a signatory to the bank accounts but give advice only. While you can give instructions, it is best to let her run the daily activities but remain as the say Chairman of the Board. Discuss regularly with your wife about the business. Not only does it keep you in the loop, it brings both of you closer and creates a buffer for both of you if anything goes south.

aderonila18:
Sometimes the problem arises from the man's ego. I have an aunt whose husband has been in and out of work for years ( usually he gets a job but then gets sacked after some months due to his non performance), she's therefore the breadwinner of the house. She pays the school fees, rent and everything and she's very humble and never brings it up to people. You'll only know she's the breadwinner if you know the family well because the man is usually out of a job and sitting at home.

Overtime she tried to encourage him to give his best in the office so he won't get sacked even if the company is downsizing since they'll know he is a valuable asset but he's the type who always sees himself as a victim. He tries to belittle her success at work, saying women have it easier and he's just unfortunate with bosses

They had a joint account so that he wouldn't feel bad having to ask her for money all the time. The problem is he started withdrawing ridiculous amounts of money for ridiculous things and he started investing in businesses he had no knowledge of so he would end up losing the money. The woman dare not ask him what he withdrew money for when she gets an alert of a large sum because the husband will attack her immediately that why is she monitoring every amount he spends just because she's the breadwinner At a point he wanted to remove a huge amount from their savings account for another of his wild business schemes ,the wife having seen him lose money over business deals he didn't do enough research on advised that they should keep their savings instead. She put her foot down this time and didn't give it to him because that was the families final fall back money and losing it would reck them financially, luckily the savings account was in her name so he couldn't withdraw it.

The man then started going around family members and friends saying she was arrogant just because she's the breadwinner and she's supposed to be submissive and let him as the head of the family have the final say on financial discussions he is refusing to talk to her since she's held firmly to her decisions, she simply asked the family members if they'll feed and pay her children's school fees if the man losses their finally savings of course all of them disappeared after that. The man goes around telling people sob stories of how his wife is arrogant ,always asking him to account for money , blah , blah just because he doesn't have a job if you don't know the real situation you'll believe his version and be like the woman must be so wicked and ungrateful.

So when you hear some men complaining about their wives "arrogance" because she's the breadwinner just try and listen to the other side. Some men are lazy, they are dreamers and when the wife tries to correct him he'll flare up. There are a lot of good women who are ready to be breadwinners when their family requires it but some mens ego become the problem.

maclatunji:

2. As a woman, how would you manage earning more than your husband and being able to finance things for the family (if you choose) that he cannot afford to do? If you are already in this situation, your insights would be very interesting to read.
Other angles and experiences are welcome.

TheMadame:
A husband and wife are meant to be ONE. They are meant to compliment one another. Marriage is not meant to be a competition between two people but a partnership. My husband has always been a good provider for my family but if the shoe was on the other foot,I would certainly try my best to play the role without grumbling or making him feel bad or less of a man.

MMotimo:


It starts with the design you have for your marriage. As far as we are concerned, the good, the bad, everything is joint. He makes a little over 100% what I make but everything goes in one pot. Even when I had no income, it was always one pot so if I found myself earning more, nothing would change.

We have a "household income" and "household expenses" it's never been about Mrs or Mr's income. Big ticket items/ideas are discussed before purchase/commitment because it is "our" money, not his or hers and when either of us spends, it has nothing to do with the ratio of contribution.

It's a very simple model and it's worked from day one.

TheMadame:
A husband and wife are meant to be ONE. They are meant to compliment one another. Marriage is not meant to be a competition between two people but a partnership. My husband has always been a good provider for my family but if the shoe was on the other foot,I would certainly try my best to play the role without grumbling or making him feel bad or less of a man.

MMotimo:


It starts with the design you have for your marriage. As far as we are concerned, the good, the bad, everything is joint. He makes a little over 100% what I make but everything goes in one pot. Even when I had no income, it was always one pot so if I found myself earning more, nothing would change.

We have a "household income" and "household expenses" it's never been about Mrs or Mr's income. Big ticket items/ideas are discussed before purchase/commitment because it is "our" money, not his or hers and when either of us spends, it has nothing to do with the ratio of contribution.

It's a very simple model and it's worked from day one.

Yomieluv:
Am learning things here,as I plan to venture into marriage in the future..

This is why my strongest prayer point to God is to make me a "Man" to my wife,and children.

Marriage,hmmm.

MMotimo:


It starts with the design you have for your marriage. As far as we are concerned, the good, the bad, everything is joint. He makes a little over 100% what I make but everything goes in one pot. Even when I had no income, it was always one pot so if I found myself earning more, nothing would change.

We have a "household income" and "household expenses" it's never been about Mrs or Mr's income. Big ticket items/ideas are discussed before purchase/commitment because it is "our" money, not his or hers and when either of us spends, it has nothing to do with the ratio of contribution.

It's a very simple model and it's worked from day one.

aisha2:
I was judging a woman whose husband told all who cared to listen that after training his wife he lost his job and she became a devil.
One day I met her crying at an older friend's place, I wanted to leave but our mutual friend called me back and explained why she called me to come.
The woman needed a loan, rent and fees were due at the same time and Oga had once again convinced her through blackmail and bullying to release money she had been saving for both purposes, now they were due and he told her to apply for an office loan.
She said she was drained and tired, she can't complain or talk with him because it always turns into " have you forgotten that I am the one who trained you". She comes home late each day to meet dishes undone, has to go and pick the kids from her sisters place because they go there after school if she asks him to baby sit it will be that she is turning him to her house boy. She cant keep a maid because he sleeps with them or harasses them till they leave, she now has to pick the kids, make dinner and check their homework while he does nothing only nag her.
She said she takes on extra trips even when she was heavily pregnant just so she could use the DSA to add to her salary .
I was shocked because this man will always paint her like a wicked unsupportive wife and she never says anything so it wont be that she is kicking him when he is down. Normally she shuts up manages and pays the bills denys herself so many things and the only reason why she came to speak to our friend was because she was desperate and didn't know where to turn to. Our NGO work there is no allowance for loans as they can fire you any day anytime.
We were both able to raise the money for her but not as a loan

Since that day I am slow to judge till I see for myself that the women are mean.

If a woman stays at home mostly she at least tries to make the home habitable, some men will expect their wives to go through all the stress and come home to start from sqaure 1 off cause she will be irritated and upset.

If one spouse is staying home for the while try to make life easier for the working one so paying the bills doesn't become so frustrating

LewsTherin:
It is a difficult situation no doubt. I had a very bad couple of jobs after I got married but thank God I had a good wife. At a point, a good friend told me that if I had not married a good woman, I would be dead by then!
It's probably a bad expression of frustration that makes some women (some!) lash out at their husbands when things are bad for the men. There are cases where the business the woman does to bring in the only income they enjoy was started by the husband when things were good and then the woman still speaks unprintable things to the husband. It is sad. It is the sinful state of man.

What I will say is for men who create businesses for their wives, do not leave it to them in totality. Play a quiet but active part in the business. Maybe once a week go through the books. Remain a signatory to the bank accounts but give advice only. While you can give instructions, it is best to let her run the daily activities but remain as the say Chairman of the Board. Discuss regularly with your wife about the business. Not only does it keep you in the loop, it brings both of you closer and creates a buffer for both of you if anything goes south.

ihedinobi2:
WOAH!!! I DID NOT READ THAT OP!!! NASTY!!!

Ok, I know the "husband-lost-ability-to-provide-so-wife-provides" story very well. I know it very very well.

To put it simply, I consider the husband and wife a single unit. One spouse's issues are the other's as well. It's one team. Contrary understandings have not proved to work to my observation.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm getting married because I want help to accomplish the purpose of my life. I'll judge everything by that. I hope for a prudent manager for a wife. I'd commit everything I own to her if I could. And encourage her to become a wise investor with them while I go out to get more.

If her activities earn us more than mine I gain. If mine earn us more I gain. I don't see a loss either way.

Needless to say, I wouldn't stand in my wife's way if she decides to quit her job and play asset management guru with our "pot". I might actually push the idea I do like having someone I trust home with the kids.