It’s the season of the
witches. This couldn’t be a
coincidence. A day before I
saw her face, my PC fell down
and crashed. I heard my name.
I was sure I did. Someone just
called me. It sounded like a
distress call. I stood up
abruptly and rushed towards
the door. Suddenly, I heard a
sound. “KPAAAA!!!” Ol' boy,
my PC had fallen face down
and the screen shattered. I had
tripped on the cord connecting
it to the power pack.
“God”, I exclaimed as I
picked up the object. I stood
speechless for a couple of
minutes, staring at my PC,
shattered in my hands.
Afterwards, I quickly dashed
to the living room. Tunde and
Edet were on their third card
game. Linda was acting as
a board man , keeping the
cash as well as providing
refreshments. Or board-lady in
this case. Five grand was at
stake.The smell of mary jane
filled the air while four empty
bottles of alomo bitters
loitered on the floor. The gods
should have pity on these two,
I thought to myself. “O boi,
who call me?” I asked. No
answer! “I say who shout my
name, two of una keep eye like
pigeon wey wan delete?” “O
boi, why you dey shout.
Nobody call your name na”,
Edet exclaimed, his blood-shot
eyes turning towards me. “Una
sure? But I been hear my
name. Which kind thing be
this. I don break my laptop as
I dey rush make I answer una.
Mscheeeww”. I walked back to
my room. Inglorious rats!
The next day, I saw her in
my dreams. The Witch. Yes, I
did see her face; her beauty so
pure and her eyes as radiant
as a young moon. She had
wings that flapped like
blossomed lea in the winds. In
her left hand, she held my
other phone (my only source of
communication with the world)
and held a magic wand in her
right hand. I woke up,
sweating and panting. I took
my chaplet and hung on the
door. I sprinkled the olive oil
on the four corners of the
room. Afterwards, I recited
Psalm 91 from the first verse
to the last.
The witch was still at work
the next day; my tablet fell
inside water. It was raining
heavily. I was trying to jump
over a gutter and it fell inside.
Gracious Lord, this must be
the season of witches indeed.
In the evening, I got a
notification on my blackberry.
I hoped it wasn’t a message
from the witch? Alas, it was a
Facebook notification. I was
tagged in a picture posted by a
friend. “Pamurogo”, I
exclaimed. I’ve been mourning
the death of my tablet since
morning. The last thing I
needed was another friend
tagging me to a recent picture
of his wedding. How I detested
seeing such pictures. They
served as a reminder that it
was time for me to get
married and settle down. But
how poor church rat like me
wan take pay bride price na ?
Pamurogo, I exclaimed once
more.
Grudgingly, I clicked on the
link. Network reception was
poor so I waited patiently for
the contents on the page to
load. Lo and behold. I saw the
picture. The one I was tagged
in. It was the picture of a
young girl (not more than six
years old) with multiple
stitches, a rigid neck collar and
bandages on the upper and
lower limbs.
The title of the post was:
DON’T IGNORE THIS !!!
Content: “ A girl was sent
packing from a house because
she refused to have sex with the
landlord. She had no money to
pay for her rent so the landlord
gave her a chance that unless
she sleeps with him before he
would allow her live in the
house. Later, the landlord killed
the girl because she didn’t want
to sleep with him…Now I
declare to your life that any
untimely death that would come
when your good news arrives
will be destroyed in the MIGHTY
name of God. Just type AMEN to
claim it ”.
I looked below and saw that
the post already had 913,234
likes and 32,477 comments.
Everyone typed “AMEN” or
something similar. Kai!
I’ve been gullible in the
past. About three years ago, I
came across a post: “ If you
can type ‘AMEN’ with your
mobile phone, before 11:59pm
tonight, someone you don’t
know will call you and favor
you ”. Boy, I was dead broke
then. So I took a leap of faith
and typed ‘AMEN’. I guess I
was the 1,000th person to
comment. I waited patiently
from 3pm, hoping a miracle
would happen. By 1opm, my
phone rang; an unknown
number called me. I gladly
picked the call, hoping to
receive some good news.
“Hello, Baruu…so you dey
dodge me since, abi? You no
wan pick my calls since…na
now wey I use number wey
you no know, na em you pick. I
just wan tell you say make you
arrange my cash…otherwise, I
go show for your area, treat
your phuck up big time. Shey
you don hear”, Walter shouted
at the other end. Phew, so
much for a miracle!
And the cycle continues. On
social media (especially
Facebook), such peculiar
stories abound and it baffles
me why people are so naive to
even care to comment on such
posts. Pardon me if I sound
like a ‘condemned sinner’, but
in all honesty, I don’t think
miracles do happen by such
means. A lot of individuals
resort to creating fake social
media accounts of well known
ministers of God and post such
stories. I wonder what they
stand to gain by doing so.
Maybe the number of ‘Amens’
that are typed would
determine how many years
they get to spend on earth or
how much cash they would
have in their bank accounts.
Who knows, everything is
possible to them that believe.
I think the probable reason
why this scenario plays out
most of the time on social
media is this: there is so much
suffering in the world and
people have no other option
but to resort to any means of
obtaining miracles from God.
That is why a congregation of
individuals created by the
Almighty would hearken to the
words of their pastor and
gladly eat grass in a bid to be
cured of certain ailments.
Young women seeking for
husbands would willingly make
their bodies available to
receive lashings of the cane by
the eager prophet. Any means
of achieving the miracle is
accepted once the name of the
Lord is mentioned.
There exists another
category of posts on Facebook;
the ones I call ‘Hint’ posts. I
coined this term to make
reference to that magazine
every teenager read while
growing up – Hints Magazine
. Yes, that magazine with fake
love stories. That magazine
published by folks as dumb as
their readers. It’s a pity
Facebook is gradually falling
prey to such shameful stuffs. I
came across one sometime ago:
TITLE: Please, don’t neglect
this !
CONTENT: Hello, my name is
Peter. I am living in the same
house with my stepmother and
my dad. My dad traveled for a
business trip. On this fateful
day, my step mum came into my
room. I was naked and didn’t
want to do it. But she removed
her clothes and we did it. Now,
she is 4months pregnant. What
should I do ?
It would be a great phat(sic)
lie if I say I wasn’t puzzled by
the comments that rolled in. “
Chai, I understnd ur plight
young man. Tk it easy. Just
pray and tell ur dad”. Another
person commented: “Don’t
worry, ur stepmom wud lose the
baby and u wud be free”.
Another one wrote: “Tell ur
pastor and then run away frm d
house” …And the comments
kept rolling in.
Trust me now. I wasn’t left
out. So I wrote: “ Dear Peter,
just take a deep breath.
Afterwards, get a rope and a
brick, then take a walk to the
third mainland bridge. Wen u
reach there, jump inside the
lagoon and drown. And if
peradventure u survive, enter a
church knack head for pulpit, u
pathetic lazy f@#k” .
I am not disputing the fact
that people actually have
serious and worrisome
problems that bother them and
affect their peace. But on social
media, it is really a tough task
to decipher which of them is
true or just some bored
teenager somewhere across the
world seeking for attention.
So last week, as I sat down
in the barber’s shop waiting
for my turn to cut my hair, I
came up with a plan.
Tomorrow, I’d post a story
about the witch:
TITLE – Please, don’t ignore
this !
CONTENT – Hello, I am a 14yr
old boy living with my evil
aunty. At night, she turns into
a witch and appears in my
dreams chasing me with a
machete. What should I do ?
First comment : Dear child of
God, make sure you pray before
going to bed and tell your
pastor about it . I burst out
laughing as I read that.
Second comment : Are you sure
you are born again? because the
devil has no business with a
child of God. Give ur life to the
Lord . Ok, fair enough.
Third comment : Boy, make
sure u keep ur bible beneath ur
pillow when you sleep and also
soak ur chaplet inside the water
you use to bath .
I almost fell off the seat as I
laughed out loud. The barber
thought I had gone crazy.

Disclaimer: This is a work of
fiction mixed with a little bit
of reality. Any similarity with
the names mentioned and the
circumstances are highly
regretted.

culled from: www.feelgoodinconline.com/blogs/