Preamble..... Someone talked this problem that was happening in her family

I am forced to ask for your help because attempts to resolve the issue on my own is putting my marriage under severe pressure, as my husband has stubbornly refused to see things from my perspective. He thinks I am making a mountain out of an ant hill.

Even when I am in the car with him, he insists on buying things himself in the market. He goes to the market himself to get whatever we need at home. Even when I tell him, what I need as a woman in my kitchen, he buys what he wants.

I have tried to explain to him that he should allow me run that department of our marriage, that it is my duty to go to the market and manage my kitchen, he refuses. Even when I use my money to buy food items when we run out of certain items, he complains that they are expensive even when the ones he buys are more expensive.

Even if I don’t like the quality of the things he buys, I have to use them because I don’t have a choice to buy what I want. It is all so frustrating as he appears so set in this habit of his. I tried getting his best friend to talk to him, rather than achieve the result I want, he took it as an offence. So, I have learnt to allow him be but, it isn’t good for our marriage at all.

I truly am tired of it all, the constant arguments about this. I don’t know if he is stingy or just being himself but I was brought up with the knowledge that men provide their wives with house-keeping money and that it was the responsibility of the woman to go to the market and buy stuff for her kitchen.

When two individual have taken the oath to become one body........ They are expected to do things together, work things out, discuss things and understand each other to make their relationship work.
The husband knows his responsibility and also the wife knows hers. But there are times we trying to spice up the relationship, help one another, relieve the other of his responsibility.... We find ourselves doing the supposed responsibility of our partner [which our society did make us believe]. This we do for a particular time due to some reasons and because we are enlighten that marriage works btw individual who work together to make it work.


But, when one element of the family (MAN) decides to take upon himself to take over the responsibility of buying, go to the market to purchase the essential and non essential things needed by the family.........

Is this action by the man morally or culturally right for him to take over such a duty of going to the market everytime

Note: this issue had have effect on marriages and some do speak out while some just trying to manage the situation just to stay in the marriage

Intelligent contribution will be highly appreciated, thanks

When he is tired he will stop.

What really is the wife's issue with the man's actions?

I'm here to learn

Waiting for the elders

It's an indication of lack of trust, it is left for you to give him more reasons trust. (My opinion). My ATM is being kept and used by my wife because I trust her so so so much

bukatyne:
What really is the wife's issue with the man's actions?

Are you saying you would be comfortable with a man who goes to the market to do the shopping all the time without putting you in the mix

He is obviously better at bargaining and getting a good sale than the wife is. Marriage is team work, it doesn't make him less of a man to buy things for the kitchen if he gets them at better prices. Let him handle that,
No need running the home of deficit because you want to be madam of the kitchen. Take it as division of labor

This woman is complaining when many others like her are wishing for the exact same thing from their husbands.

My mum's elder sister (my aunt) is in such a situation and has decided to live with the husband like that.My aunt is fifty something,and has been living with the man like that to the extent that when their daughter did introduction in 2010, it was the man that went to market to buy everything. I don't really know if it's because such men are stingy and feel their wives will be stealing money given to them for food that they behave in that manner.

Madam, I think you should just let him be for the sake of the marriage, it's hard to change a man.

He bought 3x2bags of organic chicken when I told him to buy just one. Because Costco is doing sales. like who cares? I just don't like freezer burnt chicken. 'oh babe I'm just trying to help\' ookeyy

Some of us picky women just don't want men prying into our cooking details.yimu
Madam, sit him down and CALMLY explain to him, start making the grocery list together if he really wants to be involved and be prudent in your spending if he gives you a chance to go shopping. Try not to go over budget. Buy ponmo instead of dry fish if that's what it takes

Na wa oh..

iliyande:
It's an indication of lack of trust, it is left for you to give him more reasons trust. (My opinion). My ATM is being kept and used by my wife because I trust her so so so much

Do you think its only lack of trust that would have made him the man do such a thing...... Because I thought its something deeper than that for a man to be coming from work and decide to branch the market to buy some palm oil in a nylon bag for the family
Something he can send his wife to buy close to the house from the kisok

She hasn't got her own money? Too bad.

....Much ado about nothing...

...only if the woman knows how many other women wants what she has.
I would relax and enjoy it if it were me as long as it is not affecting his major duties as a husband .

I don't know why culture and morality has to come in here...

anthoniaz:
My mum's elder sister (my aunt) is in such a situation and has decided to live with the husband like that.My aunt is fifty something,and has been living with the man like that to the extent that when their daughter did introduction in 2010, it was the man that went to market to buy everything. I don't really know if it's because such men are stingy and feel their wives will be stealing money given to them for food that they behave in that manner.

Madam, I think you should just let him be for the sake of the marriage, it's hard to change a man.

Hum..... I wish it could be easier as you said

Something the lady is never used and she was made to believe that anything that has to do with foodstuffs buying is the responsibility of the woman and she feels the man is intruding into her responsibility by wanting to buy all....

Trying to come in terms with that would be a hard nut, with what the society and friends will be thinking about the arrangements and family

carefreewannabe:
She hasn't got her own money? Too bad.

Lol.

But, when one element of the family (MAN) decides to take upon himself to take over the responsibility of buying, go to the market to purchase the essential and non essential things needed by the family.........

It is his money. He has every right to be the sole decider of how to spend it.
What a good husband!

dre11:


Hum..... I wish it could be easier as you said

Something the lady is never used and she was made to believe that anything that has to do with foodstuffs buying is the responsibility of the woman and she feels the man is intruding into her responsibility by wanting to buy all....

Trying to come in terms with that would be a hard nut, with what the society and friends will be thinking about the arrangements and family

I understand.Instead of quarrel, she should just try to ignore the hubby.I know it's not easy.

anthoniaz:
My mum's elder sister (my aunt) is in such a situation and has decided to live with the husband like that.My aunt is fifty something,and has been living with the man like that to the extent that when their daughter did introduction in 2010, it was the man that went to market to buy everything. I don't really know if it's because such men are stingy and feel their wives will be stealing money given to them for food that they behave in that manner.

Madam, I think you should just let him be for the sake of the marriage, it's hard to change a man.

I give up.

Ewuro4:


I give up.

Lol...why? I no understand some men oo.I wish him go drag to cook too as he dey drag to go market.

anthoniaz:

Lol...why? I no understand some men oo.I wish him go drag to cook too as he dey drag to go market.

I didn't know such could turn out to be permanent like your story. 50 years you said? It's sad really.

I like cooking for my husband and was raised that way too. It'll be very awkward I mustn't lie so I understand the wife's ordeal.

dre11:


Are you saying you would be comfortable with a man who goes to the market to do the shopping all the time without putting you in the mix

Without putting me in the mix is where I would have problems

Besides This isn't about me. The OP raised a lot of issues

1. Her hubby is inconsiderate about her needs

2. It is not traditional for a hubby to be kitchen handy

3. He is usurping her authority as the head of the kitchen

4. He doesn't think she can bargain properly

So What again is her major problem?

Cutehector4u:
When he is tired he will stop.

These kind of people will never stop.

At OP, I think it both morally and culturally wrong, I do go to market at times, but there must be and overwhelming need for me to do so for the family. The man dey over do it jare, and the wife has a genuine cause to worry. But she should be advised to let it be, these type of men are very troublesome.

. . .and some women are crying that their hubbys take no notice of whats going on in the home

Today he went to pick up some meds and called me from ASDA to ask if I wanted anything, I said a bag of Salmon fillets and even told him the price so he will know he is getting the right one
Anyway I get back, open the fridge and he has bought something else at a different price. I said thank you. No point getting upset over nothing. Its not a problem; The one he bought its not as if I cant/wont eat it.

Some men are just very domestic and it sometimes depends on their upbringing. Some men can cook better than some caterers. They go to market and dont wait for their wives to come back home before they start dinner.

Ive seen some men do their daughters hair. In obodo oyibo any man that is waiting for his wife to come back before he he eats/kids eat are on a long thing.
I have a friend who works very long hours and in a week only sleeps 2 nights at home? If she was married to a man who wont lift a finger, I am sure she will complain

The only issue I have with the hubby is that he is not seeming to understand his wifes upset and he should be trying to meet in the middle somewhere snce she feels so strongly about it

If your wife/hubby is upset about something, then the other partner should take note and try and do something about it. Its should be a compromise. That way one party doesnt feel as if he/she is less important and not being listened to. Couples should strive towards each others happiness

To me this is not a problem. Just go with him next time he wants to go grocery shopping.
That way you can be able to pick what you want. I doubt he will argue with you in the market or shop.

Or just let him be. Let him get what he wants,then you go yourself and get some of the things you think he over looked.

She is only concerned with the 200naira apriko she would have made from the market
Seems the hubby knows the woman so well. Some women will collect 5k for meat only to buy 1.5k and hide the rest.

That's why the man insist on shopping himself. Who would blame him.

Most Nigerian housewives , na dia way be that .

And "they" will say African men are not romantic.

The man is very romantic. She should be thanking God.

I wonder why some folks keep misusing the word stingy. The man is just a frugal husband.

Ewuro4:


I didn't know such could turn out to be permanent like your story. 50 years you said? It's sad really.

I like cooking for my husband and was raised that way too. It'll be very awkward I mustn't lie so I understand the wife's ordeal.

My dear, she has learnt to live with her husband like that.
No woman would be happy to be in that situation I must confess, but for peace to reign, one has to just let go.

dre11:



Preamble..... Someone talked this problem that was happening in her family



When two individual have taken the oath to become one body........ They are expected to do things together, work things out, discuss things and understand each other to make their relationship work.
The husband knows his responsibility and also the wife knows hers. But there are times we trying to spice up the relationship, help one another, relieve the other of his responsibility.... We find ourselves doing the supposed responsibility of our partner [which our society did make us believe]. This we do for a particular time due to some reasons and because we are enlighten that marriage works btw individual who work together to make it work.


But, when one element of the family (MAN) decides to take upon himself to take over the responsibility of buying, go to the market to purchase the essential and non essential things needed by the family.........

Is this action by the man morally or culturally right for him to take over such a duty of going to the market every time

Note: this issue had have effect on marriages and some do speak out while some just trying to manage the situation just to stay in the marriage

Intelligent contribution will be highly appreciated, thanks

Which oath the one at the altar? Even the church calls for the submission of the woman.

When one element decides to take upon himself


Hope you don´t talk like that to the man.

Why should his shopping affect the marriage?
By the way is she not cooking the food to please the man? I just don`t understand.
Cook the man what he has brought you to cook.When the kid`s get older they will start their own and also take over command of your kitchen. Then you find yourself cooking things you don`t like eating and missing out on things you love.
My kid`s love spaghetti. My 16 year old daughter was surprised when I told her recently that I don`t really like it and just cook and eat them because of the kid`s-
SO too it is with your husband. When a good wife cooks she is eager to please the man with the food.
Would you be happy to buy and cook things then the man is not pleased with it?

My husband does all the shopping and that is okay with me now but I had to get used to it. He misses out on many things but with time he learnt what I need and sometimes I give him a list or he calls from the shop. Lately I send one of the kids along- and that makes it better.

I have to admit it is really frustrating when you want to cook and something is missing and not just there the way you want it or the brand you like.

anthoniaz:

My dear, she has learnt to live with her husband like that.
No woman would be happy to be in that situation I must confess, but for peace to reign, one has to just let go.

You're right. For peace

.

anthoniaz:

I understand.Instead of quarrel, she should just try to ignore the hubby.I know it's not easy.

Okay.......

That's one aspect I tried impressing on one that happens
But, she would always say she doesn't mind him buying the buck things home like the bulk foodstuffs eg bag of rice, beans and the rest
But, the aspect of him shopping for tomatoes and stew ingredients is what is not acceptable to her.....

bukatyne:


Without putting me in the mix is where I would have problems

Besides This isn't about me. The OP raised a lot of issues

1. Her hubby is inconsiderate about her needs

2. It is not traditional for a hubby to be kitchen handy

3. He is usurping her authority as the head of the kitchen

4. He doesn't think she can bargain properly

So What again is her major problem?

You just raised the question that the woman was trying to pass across.....

But, she never did mention the one @embolded part