How to Gain a Woman's Trust When She
Has Been Hurt in Her Past
by Emma Wells, Demand Media
Trust issues can be hard on both partners in a relationship,
even if the trust issues belong mostly to the one person who
is carrying the major baggage. Trust issues take time for both
partners to overcome; however, with some sensitivity and
patience, it is very possible to build a new relationship with a
solid foundation of trust.

Listening
Ask her for her story. Finding out her fears can go a long
way toward recognizing when your actions or words trigger
those fears and cause her to lash out or distance herself from
you. Ask her to reveal only what she feels comfortable
revealing, and don’t push any further. A study conducted in
2012 by Sandra Murray, Ph.D. and other psychologists for
the “Journal of Personality and Social Psychology” was based
on the principal that trust is a matter of risk assessment:
people trust their partners only when they assess that there
is a low risk of rejection or betrayal involved in getting closer
to him or her. A woman who has been hurt in the past may
still have her guard up and choose not to tell her whole story
to you immediately for fear of risking vulnerability, so be
patient with her.
Schemas
The emotional patterns people develop in childhood continue
to resurface throughout our lives, says psychologist Tara
Bennett-Goleman, Ph.D. and author of the book “Emotional
Alchemy”. The emotional pattern for your partner may be an
issue of trust broken in childhood. The way to avoid fighting
when two people have different emotional patterns, say
Bennett-Goleman and her husband, psychologist and author
Daniel Goleman, is to recognize each other’s emotional
“schemas” and work with them. Analyze your partner’s
emotional patterns and your own. If, like Daniel, you are a
perfectionist who works long hours, but your partner, like
Tara, feels abandoned when you’re gone often, you two can
address why you have your particular schemas and find a
compromise.
Honesty
A woman who has been hurt in the past is likely to be
assessing the risk of growing close to you all of the time, at
least for a while. It’s important to be honest with her, even
about the little things. If she discovers that you’re lying
about where you go with your friends on a Saturday night or
even what you ate for dinner, she might wonder what else
you’re hiding from her. It’s better to have a policy of honesty
if you want to earn her trust.
Actions
You might say that she can trust you and that you’ll be there
for her, but actions always speak louder than words. People
develop trust on three scales, including faith in the partner’s
love, faith in the partner’s emotional closeness, and
evaluations of the partner’s character, Murray and her team
found. If you want your partner to evaluate your character
favorably, show her that you’re honest, open, and loving
instead of judgmental or closed-minded. Actions that inspire
trust could be making special time for her on a weekly basis
and sticking to your commitment, or sharing a personal story
that you wouldn’t share with anyone else.

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