The Tunnel Of Love
One day, an Asian man, an American man, and a French girl were on a train.
Along the ride, there was a short but dark tunnel. When they entered the tunnel, a kissing sound, then a slapping sound was heard. Once outside, everyone could see a large red mark on the American's face.
The French girl thought, "That American probably tried to kiss me, but accidentally kissed the Asian, and he slapped him."
The American thought, "The Asian tried to kiss the French girl, and she tried to slap him, but accidentally slapped me."
Now, the Asian thought, "That was great! Me kiss pretty French girl, and slap crazy American! Can't wait for next tunnel!"

Help
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

Help
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.
Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.
A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

Chinese in America
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China

Chinese in America
Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.
They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu - called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
and Fu had to go back to China

Computer Illiterate
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!", [AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]

The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."

The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."

A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance.
The hooker was impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again!
The hooker was amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they were done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men.
(Chinese people look alike )

Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"
His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now get into your head that you want to be a lawyer instead of a doctor ?"
"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer

Last Tuesday I was in the doctor's waiting room and a young man came in with an expensive watch for the doctor.
'Thank you, thank you, thank you!' said the man, giving the doctor the expensive watch. 'This is a small token of my thanks for all your excellent treatment of my uncle.'
'But he died last week.' said the doctor.
'I know,; replied the young man. 'Thanks to your treatment I've just inherited five million pounds.'

Law Professor
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding, '"

Pardon Me
A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her chest would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her chest instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic.
The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store,he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her chest. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Robbing Lawyers

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly,
armed robbers burst in. While several of the
robbers take the money from the tellers,
others line the customers, including the
lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to
take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is
going on lawyer number one jams
something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two
whispers, "What is this?" to which lawyer
number one replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Chinese Surgeon
Fifteen things you do not want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:
15.Sparky! You comma back here with that! Bad Doggie,
14.Someone call janitor - we gonna need a mop.
13.Darn, there go dumb lights again,
12.What you mean, "You want divorce"!
11.Now we remove brain and stick in body of ape.
10.You better save that. We need for autopsy.
09.Wait a minute, if this spleen, then what heck that?
08.Uh oh! I just lose Rolex in patient.
07."Ya know, big money in kidneys. Don't worry, guy got two of 'em.
06.Everybody stand back! Contact lens fall out!
05.Hey you, you stop that thing from beatin'? It throw concentration off,
04."Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord O Darkness" 03.What you mean he wasn't in for sex change, !
02.Nurse, did patient sign organ donator card?
And the number 1 thing you don't want to hear your Chinese surgeon say during surgery:
01. "So, you funny guy that make up joke site about Chinese people, "

YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW EVERYTHING,
Back
BUT DID YOU KNOW,
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched".
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in the ladies's room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous". Tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula".
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life".
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and the chocolate bar in his pocket melted.
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
NOW YOU REALLY DO KNOW EVERYTHING!!!

The Supply Guy
An Italian, and Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy. "You're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies." "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really upset now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells 'SUPPLIES!"
(Chinese aren't so good with english )

3 Parrots
A man wanted to buy a parrot for his son as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was 2500naira.
"2500naira.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, 5000naira, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert on Dot Net Programmer
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "10,000naira."
Curious as to how a bird can cost 10,000naira, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything and I really don't know about his expertise.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

3 Parrots
A man wanted to buy a parrot for his son as a birthday present.
The next day he went to the pet shop and saw
three identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was 2500naira.
"2500naira.", the man said. "Well what does he do?
"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.
"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.
The clerk replied, 5000naira, but he not only knows Office 2000,
but is an expert on Dot Net Programmer
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.
The clerk replied, "10,000naira."
Curious as to how a bird can cost 10,000naira, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.
The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything and I really don't know about his expertise.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

Grandma Football
Grandma was nearly ninety years of age when she won 1,000,000 pounds on the football pools. Her family were extremely worried about her heart and feared that news of her large win would come as too much of a shock for her.
'Think we had better call in the doctor to tell her the news,' suggested the eldest son.
The doctor soon arrived and the situation was explained to him.
'Now, you don't have to worry about anything,' said the doctor. 'I am fully trained in such delicate matters and I feel sure I can break this news to her gently. I assure you, there is absolutely no need for you to fear for her health. Everything will be quite safe if left to me.'
The doctor went in to see the old lady and gradually brought the conversation around to football pools.
'Tell me,' said the doctor, 'what would you do if you had a large win on the pools - say one million pounds?'
'Why,' replied the old lady, 'I'd give half of it to you, of course.'
The doctor fell down dead with shock

Liver n' Cheese
There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy.
They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first.
The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let's see who can make the best sentence using the words 'liver' and 'cheese'."
So the American guy goes, "That's easy. I love liver and I hate cheese."
The waitress shakes her heard in disgust.
The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese."
The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That's essentially the same thing!"
Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress' waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

:p

you need to forget about you 24 wives and 92 kids, then consider laughing again

@mykali. Thanks pal, but I never claimed the jokes to be mine. I will give you a list of good joke sites if that's what you want. Jokes have helped me a lot especially when am down so am just trying to lift as many spirits as possible though good humour. For starters check out www.engrish.com