How embarrassing is this if you are a guy and you were told by a female that your pair of jeans is originally meant for women? “This can happen to anyone” I say just to console myself but the truth is that it can only happen to a category of people who do midnight shopping on the go. The kind of shopping you engage in at the early hours of the morning on your way to work and then the “Tokunbo Merchants” have their wares displayed and screaming attractive prices to your ears while brandishing the beauty of their merchandise (in an Ibo man’s accent).

I can still remember that faithful day, I was in a hurry to my newly employed job and I had been pushing going to shop for new pairs of Jeans pants (Trousers) for quite some time because I needed them in order to reduce the constant wearing of my Chinos trousers which were more official than casual.

Around few minutes past 5am, I rushed through the motor park trying to get an early bus to work. Even at that hour, people were many like it was broad day light. As I was fast walking, I heard the voice at a distance “Pick your jeans trousers here. Confam grade… One, One Thousand Naira”. I didn't want to b distracted from catching the first bus I could so I had even walked past him but buses going to my destination were still much on ground and in great demand, so I walked back to check out what he was offering for sale. Still in my hurry state, I just quickly browsed through his wares and 2 caught my eyes. I quickly paid and rushed to quickly grab a bus to my destination.

The natural thing you do when you buy from a “Second Hand” boutique (lol) is that once you get home, you run your clothing through a laundry (meaning Handwash) to get the funky tokunbo clothes fragrance out which I did over the weekend. I was really eager to try out my newly acquired faded slim fitted jeans trouser and the other was a loose faded soft jeans trouser. If me sef know be mumu, trying on the first one and seeing how suffocated my Johnson was should have been my very first clue to tell that those pants weren’t meant for me but I thought to myself, “I guess that’s how they make them now”(Mumury). Sincerely people, if you had seen how packed my junior was in this thing, most times I’d have to tuck it along with his two tag-along friends underneath my posterior just not to seem offensive in public. Ok, let’s say that was too much of a clue to have been noticed by me. Another was the issue of trying to pee while wearing this pair of jeans, omo I tell you “It was war”. I am just grateful to my healthy bladder because if not, I for don make front page many times “Grown man pees himself in Public the Nth Time” because the zipper was so tiny and short in length that when fully unzipped even my junior was unable to rear his head talk-less of emerging in his full majesty. And if this was the case with only one of the trousers, it would have been ok but both of them shared the same zipper construct.

Funny enough both trousers looked quite good on me and that even contributed to my ignorance of it ever being a female construct. I have been rocking both these jeans now for few months and even at one time, I wore the loose one to work and got quite a lot of compliments (If only I knew what I know now back then)… Chai! I’m many of you would be wondering where was his girlfriend when all wardrobe wahala dey happen?

The day of revelation of my fashion “Fvck Up” happened when I paid my sister a visit about a week ago and there’s the babe I am “chiking” in her compound. We were together gisting and she giggling at almost every sentence (Whining tinz). Na so piss hook me, I remember I felt the urge to pee before getting into a bus to my sister’s place but I suppressed it (thanks to my healthy bladder), only for it to resurface at the height of chiking levelz. Omo see rushing, I tugged at my trousers as I excused myself from the babe’s presence to the point that I was unable to make it to the toilet I had to rush back outside to take a leak. She watched me as I struggled with my trousers and belt just to set “Jonathan” free from his cage (But mine is not for 16years o… lol). And the worst part of it all was I was wearing the slim fitted jeans trousers, so upon finishing with my urine assignment, I just packed junior back into his cage un-arranged and walked by into my sister’s compound where the babe was now sitting on a white plastic chair. With a smile on my face, I walked towards her noticing her gaze wasn't on my stare but was shuttling between my face and my waist line. And soon I took a quick look at what captured her attention, only to see my “Jonathan loose in the Polls” due to inadequate monitoring of my campaign matters (no pun intended). I felt embarrassed about the situation and I “exit stage” left to my sister’s apartment. When I got into my sister’s place she was quick to admire my outfit and particularly my jeans trousers, she said it looked really nice on me. She continued by asking if I was sagging (Me, sag? Saggin is Faggin… lai lai) I was quick to object to it and then she mentioned my “rough packaging” and then I told her it wasn't my fault o that it was the jeans I was wearing, that the zipper was tiny and and it had little space to accommodate…. And then she said, “Come closer let me see the direction the zipper is sown into?” After a brief inspection, she busted out laughing “A she Jeans Obinrin lo tin wo kiri” translation “All these while you've been wearing a female jeans”. I was trying to do agidi in opposition but she then pointed out a tailoring trick used in differentiating between male jeans from female one. She said for a female jeans “the Zipper was much smaller and it is always sown from right to left (making it left Hand zipdown) while the couchy line was closer to the crotch in female” but in male’s “The zipper was much longer and it is always sown from left to right (Right hand zipdown) while the couchy line was farther to the crotch”.

www.nairaland.com/attachments/2344543_jeans_jpeg3b7d2623d24ba37ea971dedfbb9f2499

After all the analysis and explanation, I just stood there looking and feeling really stupid but at least now I know how to tell apart a female from a male pair of jeans when I intend to buy one. Na ma fault, I look like tailor for your eyes.

Even till now, i can't tell male and a female jean apart