A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Jesus vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact?

How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows, Jesus saves."
  ============================================================
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
======================================================
Cultivate the habit of early rising. It is unwise to keep the head long on a level with the feet.
====Henry David Thoreau

Liar Wife

"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Bola."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Bola."

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too
==================================

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
==============================================

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the
right woman , I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at
least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was one girl , once. I guess she was the one
perfect girl.

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right
everything , I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
-===========================================

'father forgive me for i have sinned'' said chinedu okafor on the confession box, then the father asked,is that you chinedu ?,yes father,,,confess your sins said the rev.father."father i did it with one prostitute in our area but i cannt call her name for security reasons, then the father asked,was it,sharon,no father.was it agnes,no father,was it ada,no father.ok, say the lords prayer 5 times, when chinedu came out,his friend asked him how it went,then chinedu said"he told me to say the lords prayer 5 times but he gave us three names to try .

I love the one about the guy that escaped from jail

i also love the joke abt the gay convict.
cheers.

The Poor Camel

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert.

During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have , m-m-m, urges. That's why we have the camel, sir."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

Don't Laugh

A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if
you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest penis the doctor has ever seen.
Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten
minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor
as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what
seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen."

The Way Men Really Feel About Marriage


Remember; Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!


I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was, Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied,"I don't know son, I'm still paying.

Accidental Touch

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 433

Difficult Question

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"

yo sam milla you're killing me here.
u're really good.
cheers.

d camel joke was hilarious

keep it

keep up d good work

Man, congratulations o. Nairalanders, tho I'm new to this house, it's quite amazing how we look out for one another. I need a job real fast. I hold a BSc in Biochemistry.

keep it up where do u get d jokes from

o boy i must commend u for that joke it was really funny especiallythe one about the two couples in b ed.
it was damn right funny, i could not help but to keep laughing even though i am in the public

hmmn nice joke

A guy at a confessional

Guy; Father, forgive me for I have sinned

Father; Wait my son, you came here the day before yesterday confessing fornication?

Guy; Yes father,

Father; You also can yesterday complaining of same,

Guy; Yes father.

Father; Then why don't you change sin, change sin my son!!

Funny Sam milla

Very funny

I like the one about accidental touch. When on earth will i be so lucky?

OUT OF 2006 ARCHIVE

ENJOY

Go Sam. . . . . .kip making me laff. . . . . . . .too funny. . . . . . .

9ice sam. but very soon he will make u cry

miracle worker SAM MILLA
d dead and dry bones r surely risen again
bring all ur dead/dry bones, and see God at work

y i no go laff, bhuuuuuuuuuhahahahahahahahaha
tnx SAM

found nuttin funny at all

and nothing funny found u

but i found u